Where The Fuck Is The Eagle?

We recently went on our yearly camping trip which was much needed and my husband and I just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. That seems so crazy. Where did the time go?

My camping style is renting a cabin with electricity and running water and roughing it for me is if I forget to bring my flat iron.

It was especially great this time around since I had my mom as an ally. Someone to hang out and eat chips and dip, plus watch Unreal, while the husband and hummingbird were out swimming all day.

I actually kayaked with my husband for the first time in ages. The last time we did that, it was early in our marriage and he had this sucky inflatable kayak that would just paddle around in circles. I found it hysterical.

While we were at the lake, we took a boat ride around the area with a guide.

I’ll say it right now, I suck at being a tourist because I don’t like guided tours for some reason. It can be fine in some cases but usually, to be honest, I just don’t care and would rather explore on my own.

So, we take this boat tour and this very nice woman points out the trees, cabins, private islands, eagles, beaver dams, etc. It was nice but for the most part, I just wanted to be back in the cabin, eating chips and dip with my mom. I am not an outdoor person by any means.

My mom and I get back to the cabin and start rehashing the hour long tour we had. We both confessed we didn’t know most of what the tour guide was pointing out to the group.

Tour Guide: The older cabins on the shoreline with their own piers were built in the 60’s. I will now tell you the entire history about this.

In My Head: What did she say about the 60’s? They did what? Should I say something to make it seem like I know what she’s saying?

I shake my head and say “Oh, hmmm.”

Tour Guide: This lake goes into so and so river to the left. You can see it in the clearing by the trees.

In My Head: I see lots of trees but I have no idea what she’s seeing that I’m not. I hope there’s not a quiz.

I shake my head and say, “Really, hmmm.”

Tour Guide: Straight ahead you can see a few beaver dams. See the sticks? Let me pull in a little closer. Now, the dams are more East of us.

In My Head: East? Which fucking way is East? I don’t see any damn dam sticks. Which way is fucking East?

I shake my head and say ” Awww, very nice.”

Tour Guide: On the private island to the right lives the so and so family. You can see so and so’s boat on the shore.

In My Head: Okay, cool. At least this time she said right instead of a direction but I can’t see a boat anywhere and there’s two small islands to the right of us. Scan… scan. Where’s the fucking boat and how long is this damn boat ride?

I shake my head and say “Nice.”

Tour Guide: In the trees ahead is a black mass in the middle where the eagle’s nest is. And, on top of the branch is the baby eagle who’s not such a baby anymore.

Passenger #5: That’s quite a big baby eagle. *Gets camera out*

In My Head: Scanning…. scanning…. scanning. What black fucking mass? Why the hell am I not seeing any of this shit? I don’t see anything resembling a nest. Scanning… scanning. And, where the fuck is the eagle? Where is the eagle? Okay. Now, my husband is also taking pictures of this eagle that I can’t see. Eagle? Where the fuck are you? I’m not seeing any of this stuff that’s being pointed out. Is everyone else just saying they see it, too? Where the fuck is this baby eagle?

I shake my head and say “Hmmm, wow. “

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Adventures In Driving

My mom is staying with us for the summer and it’s the best thing ever. There’s a chance my in-laws might also visit during the summer and it will be so nice to have an ally around for that visit.

There are tourists flocking to our area and it has made driving more frustrating than usual. The road that’s the cross street by our house is so congested as it is but during the summer, holy hell. And, I hate driving anyways. It’s always made me so tense and stressed.

My mom and I were coming back from the store because oh my fucking god, no matter how much I plan, I go to the store at least three times a week for shit I forgot, even though I always… well I mostly have a list.

Anyway, there was an older woman ahead of us doing at least five under the speed limit.

A mild annoyance but oh, well.

Then, this woman started to put on her brakes.

Okay.

A normal thing to do.

But, she then came to a complete fucking stop on the two lane road.

What the fucking fuck?

I looked at my mom and said am I just crazy or is this woman turning really fucking slow?

She’s turning really fucking slow, my mom replied.

This woman came to a complete stop on our two lane road that goes by our house and she just fucking stops.

Who dropped the acid in my water?

What the hell, lady?

Can you turn any slower?

Yes. Yes, she can.

And with that, she made the slowest left hand turn in the entire history of left hand turns.

When she was finally far enough out of my way, I hit the gas and looked back in my rearview mirror.

And what did I see?

This lady was still in the process of completing her turn into the golf course entrance.

I just don’t get the way people drive anymore. Common courtesy has blown to the winds. People drive like they’re the only people on the road.

Yes, I’m bitching about drivers because I’m officially old. Next week I’ll have a post entirely centered around the price that things where when I was a kid.

Okay, no, I won’t.

Or will I?

Hmmmm.

What’s your driving pet peeve or an annoyance you’ve had lately with driving?

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Eat A Sandwich And Quit Fucking Other People

I’m alive. It’s been quite awhile. My depression has been brutal but I’m finally climbing out of that black hole.

First thing.

Chris Cornell.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

It’s been a hard one to take. My husband never understands my sadness and feeling of loss when a celebrity who I’ve been following for years dies. I try to get him to understand that these people have contributed something to my life that made it better and that’s why it feels like I lost a friend or family member in some way.

I just can’t believe he’s gone.

~~~~~

Everything going on in America and the world has me on the fucking edge every day. I’m just completely mindfucked by all this hatred that seems to be showing up more often.

~~~~~

We adopted an 8 month-old chihuahua from the humane society last month. Little Luna is such a sweetie but was rescued from a puppy mill and she freaks the fuck out with other people and dogs. We’re definitely going to get a trainer to help us with that. She’ll be totally fine and chill but then she’ll see something outside or the doorbell will ring and she goes nuts. Luna Belle is a work in progress but so adorable and really smart.

The husband is still not sure what to think and one of our cat’s pissed on my husband when we were trying to introduce them so needless to say, it’s been slow going with Penny and she has been staying in the basement for the most part. Luna is so lovable once she warms up to people. It’s just getting that training in that I hope helps her.

~~~~~

The hummingbird had her last day of second grade today. They had a lot of snow days to make up. She turned 8 a few months ago and I still can’t believe it.

~~~~~

A family member has been going dick wild. She recently separated with her husband and I come to find out she’s been fucking some loser a week before she left her husband. Okay, this is where it gets so confusing. I also come to find out that she’s been fucking her estranged husband’s former brother-in-law and the current partner of this family member’s estranged husband’s ex wife for the last three months. Got that? Because I’m still so fucking confused.

I think she may have gone a little nutty because months ago she started taking diet pills that her doctor prescribed which is essentially speed. Now, she seems to have gained back some confidence with her weight loss. To that, I told my mom this family member needs to eat a sandwich and quit fucking other people. This whole thing has caused a big rumble in the small town she lives in and has been giving the family several what the fucks?!!

~~~~

I’ve had to make myself stop watching the news since it sends me into a panic so I’ve been getting my news by watching Trevor Noah on The Daily Show. It makes the news easier to bear with the damn fine Trevor Noah.

 

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Gym Membership

I’m going to take classes and get my ass in better shape. I’ll go to the gym at least five times a week. It’ll be hard to squeeze that many days in but I can do this. I will do this! Oh, look. There’s a kickboxing class on Friday. But the only class is at 5:15 am. Fuck that! But, I joined the gym to get in better shape. I have to do this. I want to do this. Even if I know I’m not a morning person at all.

I just need to go to bed early tonight. And I’ll try to get my 7 year-old in bed a little earlier than usual.

I can do this early class but I don’t know why any human would want to up that early to sweat their ass off at 5:15 am. There must be some people out there.

Or, maybe it’s a conspiracy by gyms across the world. Hmmm. They get me to think that they have classes so early because there’s apparently the need for it for it with other people. And, then the gym virus spreads with everyone thinking people are taking a kickboxing class at 5:15 in the morning so you’d be crazy not to but you really are because it’s at 5 fucking 15 in the morning.

Later that night I start thinking that class I signed up for at 5:15 am… what the fuck was I thinking??

But, I can do it. I can do this, damn it!

I’ll go to bed early so I can read for an hour. However, my kid decides to get up to use the bathroom 5 times before she finally goes to sleep and has to say good night each time.

That’s okay. I’ll just go to sleep now so I can get to that early ass class tomorrow morning.

Shit!

I can’t sleep. Maybe I’ll try and read a little more.

Um.. what the fuck happened? How did it become 1 in the morning already. Damn you books and all your damn words. And, fuck you 5:15 am kickboxing class.

I must have been sniffing some pretty strong fumes to think this exercise class was ever a good idea.

I can still do this, though. If I go to sleep now, I’ll get 3 and a half hours of sleep. Oh my god. Just kill me know. Only 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I’m not 20 anymore. This will kill me.

But I’m paying so much a month for this damn gym to take the classes and I’ve got to do this.

I will do this!

I can do this!

4:45 am. 15 degrees outside.

Fuck this. I’m going back to sleep.

But, but….

I will do this.

Uh huh.

Yep.

I will make that 5:15 am class.

No.

No, I won’t

And, I’ll let them continue taking money from my bank account every month since some day, I will do this!

Nope. Nope, I won’t.

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Caulk Block

I look forward to when my husband pulls out his big caulking gun and a tube of caulk sealant. That means my inner 12 year-old boy comes out so it can take advantage of all the cock talk I can come up with. There’s always that time of year I dread. Ant season. Those little assholes come onto our kitchen counter and I just want to set fire to the house after so many days because they drive me crazy.

Enter caulk.

Husband: The ant bait seems to be working but I’m going to get my big caulk out and see if that helps.

Me: So, you’re going to caulk block them then?

Husband: Yeah, with lots of caulk.

He’s currently trying to get the master bathroom shower all caulked up. He’s been drying the shower with a fan since last night before he caulks it up and it’s driving me crazy because the fan cord is plugged in right in front of the toilet so whenever I’ve gone to the bathroom since yesterday, I have to be careful to avoid the tripwire that is the fan cord while making my way to the toilet so last night while getting up, I didn’t want to turn the light on so I just took these giant steps while hoping I wouldn’t trip over the cord from the fan and kill myself in the middle of the night. All this so my husband can get his caulk on in the shower.

The time finally came for my husband to rock out with his caulk out.

Husband: I get to go use my caulk in the shower.

Me: Have fun. Try not to be too messy.

A few minutes later…

Husband: My white caulk is too white. I need a nude caulk.

Me: Okay.

Husband: I’ll be at Home Depot looking at the different caulk. I’ll get the hardest caulk they have.

Me: Don’t get too big of a caulk though. We want it to fit what you’re caulking.

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#Blessed

Something has been on my mind for quite a while that I just have to get out in the open.

No, it’s not that Trump is a disgusting, vile pig who needs to be grabbed by the pussy because he’s a chicken shit and coward for not attending the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, although yes, that was something I’ve been thinking about. No offense to chicken shit or pussies.

What I want to get out in the open is that I can’t take one more person being “#blessed” on their Facebook status.

Don’t get me wrong. If you feel that way, great for you.

It’s the insane overuse of the word that annoys me. An example of the use, which I’m totally pulling out of my ass…

Facebook Status:

‘I bought a frozen lemonade at Panera and it was delicious. #lemonade #blessed’

2k likes

55 comments

Really?

It’s a fucking lemonade. Chill the fuck out.

And, seriously. You have that many likes?

I share a video of a cat eating watermelon in a funny hat while dressed up as Princess Leia with a functioning light saber, but it only gets 2 likes.

What is up with that?!

Ahem, anyway… I get the use of the word with the birth of a child or somebody recovering from surgery, etc. But, to use it all the fucking time? What happened to words like ‘thankful’ or ‘happy’?

Nope, it’s not good enough, apparently.

Facebook Status:

‘I’m so #blessed that there was a hidden tampon in my purse when I thought I was out.’

Okay, actually finding a tampon that I didn’t think I had when I’m bleeding to death at that time of the month is a blessing because I don’t want to put pants on, drive to the store, walk, get stuck behind the slowest fucking person in the whole goddamn universe, walk back to my car, and drive home. I don’t want to deal with people when I’m on my period.

Oops, my mistake.

The desire to not have to deal with people is something I want on a daily basis.

So, can you tell by my bitchiness that I’m currently on my period, would kill for a Snickers bar, and found a surprise and unopened box of tampons in a bathroom cabinet earlier?

#blessed

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P

ETA: I changed the name of this post because I didn’t want pervs googling people peeing in their pants and getting off on it. Ewww.

I’ve had a cold for the past three days. I am such a fucking baby when I get sick and feel the need to tell my husband I feel like shit every hour. He, on the other hand, is made of steel. Steel, I tell you! I practically have to beg him to help him out on the rare occasion he gets sick.

The thing that pisses me off (pun intended) about being sick, well, besides being sick, feeling like shit, and coughing up my lung is peeing every time I cough. My 15 year-old self would have laughed at my *mumbles* year-old self the first time I had to buy pee pads. I started out with period pads but after the hummingbird and then Ben three years ago, I can pee myself so bad that it goes through my underwear and pajama pants.

So, I held my head in shame when I first bought pee pads and it’s all thanks to my darling children. Damn it.

This is totally fucking karma because when I was a teenager and was at the store with my mom, I would ask her why she bought pads since I knew she used tampons. Like any young person or child, my voice level came across as “WHY ARE YOU GETTING THOSE PADS, MOM?”. I pretty much knew why but teenagers are assholes so there you go.

There are those extra embarrassing times when I may sneeze my nose off or get into a coughing fit and actually pee my pants and the pee might start running down my leg while I haul ass to the bathroom. Just one of the many things to love about motherhood.

Since I’ve been sick this week and coughing my head off, I’ve gone through several pairs of underwear and pajama pants that I’ve been washing every day. I could just easily wear pads (which I occasionally do) during times like this but my vagina is claustrophobic. Or, so that’s what it tells me but I can’t really understand what it’s saying while being crammed up against whatever the hell pads are made out of.

For some reason, I also shun pads because I’ll think “My vagina can handle anything!”

Why can’t men pee their pants also once you have kids? What’s up with that?! Then you can both share the embarrassment together. When are they going to have their vagina stretched out so much that a clown car could drive through? Granted, they don’t have the genitalia, but still.

What really gets me is while coughing and sneezing set off the crotch fountain, there have been times where I’m not doing anything that I deem strenuous but then what do I know? A little pee will just randomly come out. Really, vagina, REALLY?

I used to think those vaginal rejuvenation surgeries were laughable and now I want to kiss whoever came up with the procedure.

Yay to motherhood for making me piss myself.

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