This Is Mommyhood

Stuff I Like – Beauty

By Elle on May 17, 2013 in skin care

Piggy Paint - I discovered this non-toxic nail polish and remover when my niece was about 4 and just this year I also got some for the hummingbird. Piggy Paint comes in so many colors and also has gift sets. Our favorite is the Girls Rule! gift set.

Night Of Olay Firming Cream – This has been my favorite night cream for years. It’s not crazy expensive, the scent isn’t overpowering, and it lasts for quite a while. All of the makeup and oil that’s left on your face when you go to sleep goes down into the layers on your skin. I’m sure you’d much rather have a clean face with moisturizing night cream going down into the layers of your skin. Right? Right!

Brazil Nut Body Butter – I want to have sex with this stuff. I really don’t like strong scents and this is subtle and smells delicious. It has a light smell of chocolate cake and the body butter isn’t greasy. It absorbs pretty quickly. This has easily become one of my favorite beauty products.

Biolage Smoothing Shine Milk – This is another product I’ve been coming back to for years. My hair has natural curl to it and this shine milk seems to help it become more managable. I love the light, mellow scent. The downside is that this is a little pricier than I like to pay for products.

Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition Nutrient Spray – This is another hair product I alternate with and the best thing is it’s about half the price of the smoothing shine milk. This spray contains olive, avocado, and shea oils. It adds smoothness and shine to my hair and I love it.

Simple Foaming Cleanser – For years I’ve usually paid way more than I should have on skin care products because my skin is so sensitive. Most of the products I’ve gotten in the store for sensitive skin can still be too harsh. Last month I found this sensitive skin cleanser and thought it was great. I also love their make up remover wipes.

What are some of your favorite beauty products?

*Lisa Hannigan with Damien Rice – Be My Husband

*Lisa Hannigan – Pistachio

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There it goes!

By Elle on May 16, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, marriage, ugh!

Years ago when my husband and I lived in Seattle we lived in a house (built in 1917) that had the creepiest mofo unfinished basement.

It smelled like dead people. I would dread it every time I went down there. It’s where the washer and dryer was so I was sure that when I went down to get the clothes, I would be murdered by something.

It was also where my husband set up his workshop.

One time, my husband told me that while he was down in the basement of horrors, he saw a mouse running across the floor.

Oh. Hell. No!

Not only did I have to deal with the thought of ghosts, demons, and Freddy Kreuger getting me while I was down there, I also had to deal with mice.

I don’t take too kindly to mice.

One night while my husband was down in the basement, I went to get the laundry out of the dryer.

Whether he was down there or not, when I had to go in the basement for whatever reason, I would have a mini heart attack. I would tip toe to the basement door as not to give whatever supernatural forces that were down there any warning that I was approaching, I would open the door, then I would race down the stairs, grab the laundry while my heart was thumping out of my chest, and race back up the stairs.

This time around, my husband told me that I just missed the mouse running near the dryer.

I wasn’t amused and my husband got the laundry out of the dryer for me while I stood by the basement stairs. When it all looked clear, I decided it was safe for me to got back near the dryer to grab the laundry basket.

That’s when my husband pointed out the mouse scurrying across the ledge of our basement wall and said “LOOK! There it goes!

I dropped that motherfucking laundry basket onto the floor, screamed, and ran up the basement stairs. I ran though the house, out of the front door, and down the stairs of our house to the sidewalk while still screaming. It’s a good think nobody called the cops.

I stood there barefoot on the sidewalk in front of our house and started laughing. By that time my husband had come upstairs to our living room when I walked back in the front door.

He was was cracking up and he kept on rubbing it in and saying “There it goes!” He got a good playful ass kicking.

I sent him out to get mouse traps the next morning. Not long after, he was sent on a 9 month deployment and I had to deal with the mouse traps. Eeeek!

To this day, he still loves keeping me on my toes by yelling out “There it goes!”

Bastard.

*Pomplamoose – Beat It

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18 things to say to your kids before they’re 18.

By Elle on May 14, 2013 in mommyhood, the little hummingbird, this and that

*If you have a writing prompt suggestion, please leave it in the comments or email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

This writing prompt is from Alyssa who blogs at The Wild, Weird World Of Us and it’s 18 things to say to your kids before they hit 18.

1. Please, PLEASE sleep.

2. You’re on mommy’s PMS cycle, aren’t you?

3. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? ….

4. We need to get you to preschool. Get your shoes on, please. Did you change outfits again? Well, get your shoes on. Repeat 10 times. Get your jacket. No, you don’t need to start changing clothes again. Get your jacket on. Repeat 5 times. Where’s your other shoe? Get that shoe on. Repeat 10 times. Okay, let’s get going. Repeat 5 times. Sorry, it’s too late to braid your hair. Hey, where did your jacket go? You just had it on.

5. Mommy will be right back. Twitch. Twitch. She needs to go to the kitchen and get a glass of “mommy juice”.

6. Me: *cries* How did my baby get to be 4? Her: Silly mommy, I’m not a baby. Me: *sobs uncontrollably*

7. *Once they start school.* Why do I have more homework to do now that I’m out of school than I did when I was in school?

8. No, you can’t have a cell phone. You’re way too young.

9. *After incessant begging.* Fine, you can have a phone. But only for emergencies.

10. Will you get off the phone already?!

11. Go to your room! Just don’t use your computer, television, phone, iPod, kindle, gaming chair…. oh, nevermind! Go sit in the hall closet.

12. Don’t make me pull this car over!

13. Turn that music down!

14. Back in my day, they had “real” music.

15. Ask your father.

16. Sit your child down for the “big” talk. Have a serious and lengthy conversation about why Carrie should have chosen Aidan over Mr. Big. Use graphs, charts, and you tube videos if necessary.

17. If you’re going over to your friend’s house, I want the parent’s names, home address, social security numbers, car make and model, and their blood type. Oh yeah, and 3 references.

18. Why, yes! Of course I waited until I was 18 to have sex. Definitely. Ahem.

What would you add to the list?

*Guns N’ Roses

**Post… Guns N’ Roses and my peanut butter covered autograph. Sounds way more kinky than it is.

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Mother’s Day

By Elle on May 12, 2013 in mommyhood

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my beautiful readers! I hope each and every one of you gets a little pampering today… even if it’s only 15 minutes of locking yourself in the bathroom. Just a tip, bring your iPod in there so it drowns out the banging on the door from your kids.

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A kiss cam fail and Ryan Gosling refuses cereal.

By Elle on May 10, 2013 in videos

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

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Guest Post: How To Approach Your “Baby” Going To Middle School With Sanity and Clarity.

By Elle on May 10, 2013 in guest post

This guest post comes from Monica who blogs at A Day In The Life. Also check out Top 10 Ways I Am Nicer Than A Substitute and How To Survive The Second To The Last Month Of School.

1. Allow your pessimistic nature to completely overshadow any vestige of optimism about the future of your middle schooler that you could have managed.

2. Read and listen to any article or news program about the prevalence of bullying in middle school in all countries of the world and possibly the moon and other universes.

3. Second guess every decision you have ever made with said child all the way back to the decision for no epidural….and possibly your choice of a father (just kidding, hubby….that was only after I had exhausted all other things to worry about….oh, and after a few beverages).

4. Encourage and then finally nag your hubby until he is forced to have “the talk” with your soon-to-be-middle-school boy so that hubby is so nervous that his awkward conversation about growing up elicits a look from your son that looks something like this:

and you are still not exactly sure if your son knows How Babies Are Born.

5. Question the years you have invested in piano lessons. Should you have opted for krav maga lessons instead?

6. Begin to treat your soon-to-be-middle-schooler like a two year old and attempt to do things that he hasn’t let you do in years: tuck him in, read him books, kiss his cheek.

7. And, in a reverse of opinion to #6 worry obsessively about all the things he still doesn’t know and attempt to teach him a little about all these things in the few short weeks left of fifth grade. (How to cook, How to launder, How to make a bed properly, How to treat girls, How to find a wife, How to drive, How to say no to drugs, How to do karate, etc.) (And, by the way, this will again elicit The Look pictured in #4.)

8. Write about all your fears on the Internet so that good friends, loyal readers, and random strangers can console you and tell you everything will be just fine. (Except if it isn’t.)

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I would love to take a hit off of the “know it all” bong my mother-in-law obviously smokes from.

By Elle on May 9, 2013 in anxiety, family, hold me, holy hell, hubby, in-laws, mommyhood, mother-in-law, my brain is melting, ranty, wtf?

Haven’t you heard?! My mother-in-law is a fucking genius! She knows EVERYTHING!

So, let’s go back a few weeks ago, to the weekend prior to the hummingbird’s 4th birthday on April 15th. I can only tolerate my in-laws for a few hours with each visit. I was done dealing with them by Friday night. They arrived just a few hours earlier so they were right on track.

A quick-ish sidenote… the Navy keeps changing its mind about moving us to Maine because of the hummingbird’s medical issues. I say fuck that. Where we currently live in Northern California, we’re about 2 or so hours away from Stanford, which is where we have to go to try to solve her ongoing medical puzzle.

When it comes to living in Maine, it will pretty much be the same set up as we’d be about the same distance to Boston. So, I don’t see it as a big problem but of course the military has to be a pain in the ass, as usual.

Anyway, after years of bitching about my mother-in-law, I find her not only to be a cold-hearted bitch but also a See You Next Tuesday. Or to be rather frank, a cunt. I’ve never cared for that word and don’t take it lightly but for her, I’ll make an exception.

Another sidenote… last quarter, my husband taught a class on a Tuesday and would never understand why a few of his students would chuckle a little when the hubby would say at the end of his class See You Next Tuesday!

He was telling me about it one night and that’s when I said, ya know sweetie, you’re calling your students cunts which is probably why they find it amusing. He was like Ahhhh, so that’s why!

Back to my MIL. I have been struggling with her for over 18 years and after this visit, I’m done trying to get along with her. She’s made it very clear that it’s never going to happen.

I could tell this woman that water is wet and I swear, she would fight me to the death to show that I’m in some way wrong. That’s how it goes with her for every visit but this visit in particular made her a know it all of every fucking thing in the universe.

My hubby and FIL went into the kitchen and I was stuck in the living room with my MIL while trying to make small talk. I only say as little as possible because of the way she always seems to respond to everything I say.

We talked about Maine for a minute.

Me: I’m a little concerned about how much snow we’ll get there but I know the hummingbird will love it.

MIL: No, you’re wrong. It doesn’t snow much there. Maybe once or twice a year.

Me: *mentally rolls eyes* How often have you been to Maine?

MIL: Never.

MIL: Oh look, is that The Notebook on t.v?

Me: It is.

MIL: You never told me much about your visit with author Nicholas Sparks last summer.

Me: I reluctantly tell her a few things that he said during the interview I had with him, especially when he talked about writing The Notebook. That included saying how old he was when he wrote the book and that it was the very first book he wrote.

MIL: I highly doubt he was that young when he wrote the book. That doesn’t sound right at all.

Me: Ummm… I’m just going by what he said in the interview.

MIL: No, I don’t think that’s true at all. I know he had other books before that too.

Me: Actually, he has written several books after that but The Notebook was the first one.

Mil: No, you’re wrong.

Me: *stab… stab…. stab*

After that, I totally shut down, excused myself, and went upstairs to have one of my party favors… a shot of vodka. There was more to the conversation with my MIL than this but I would like to keep what little bit of sanity I have left without rehashing it out.

I’m actually leaving several things out that she said and did during the visit because I am so done with her and over it. She’s just a bitch who only gets along with her 100 plus turtles that she has at her house. The woman is a turtle hoarder. I really need to write about that sometime. Don’t let me forget.

I think it’s the oddest thing that no mater what I say to her, she has to find some kind of fault with it. I’ve never thought this shit was a competition with her but she seems to think so.

We had the hummingbird’s birthday party on April 13th and I avoided my MIL like the plague. Luckily, with the other kids and their parents there, it was easy to do.

On Sunday, my hubby and I went out to see a movie. With Ryan Gosling, of course. The Place Beyond The Pines was really, really good. Then it was back to the snake pit with the in-laws.

On Monday, the hummingbird’s actual birthday, we went out for lunch with the in-laws. That whole thing was my fault because my husband was going out to lunch with his parents.

I had planned a birthday lunch with just the hummingbird and me and called the hubby to ask if his parents left yet. That’s when he let me know that they’ll be leaving after he has lunch with them.

My dumb ass suggested we all have lunch together since I’m sure they’d like to see the hummingbird one last time before they leave.

I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No matter how much I can’t stand my in-laws, I’d feel horrible if I kept the hummingbird and my husband away from them.

While we were waiting for our food at the restaurant and everyone was wrapped up in conversation, I was looking through my Twitter feed and started reading about something just happening in Boston. Then I was reading about bombs going off at the Boston Marathon and was shocked.

I’m very sensitive with things but I obviously know that a lot of people aren’t as hyper-sensitive with things like I am so I don’t expect them to have the reactions I would have. That’s why I don’t know why in the world I was surprised by my MIL’s lack of a reaction but I can’t imagine not feeling any compassion about something.

When I read about what was unfolding in Boston, I nudged my husband and told him that a few bombs went off at the marathon finish line.

With my MIL overhearing this, and being the delicate flower that she is, she responded with…

MIL: And?? What’s the big deal??

Me: It’s horrible. I can’t imagine how many people must have been hurt or worse. (I was trying to watch my words in front of my daughter.)

MIL: Oh well. They’re runners. They’re healthy.

I’m not trying to say my MIL had to feel a certain way about what happened in Boston but when two bombs go off and there are thousands of people around, I don’t know how she could be so indifferent to it.

There were a few seconds afterward where I wanted to dive across the table and stab her with my fork.

The in-laws finally left later that afternoon and I told my hubby I don’t expect to see them for quite a while after this visit. I told him if he wants to visit them with the hummingbird, that’s fine, but if they come to visit us after we move to Maine, there will be a lot of things I won’t keep quiet about anymore when it comes to his mom acting the way she does.

I’ve said this so many times before but next time, when they visit us, I will let the MIL know that if she can’t keep her ass in line and treat me with some respect in our house, she can go fuck herself. And yes, I would love nothing more than to use those exact words.

*Emotion Sickness – Silverchair