The Reluctant Reader

young-girl-reading-jeanhonore-fragonard

I’ve loved reading as soon as I learned to. I gobble up books but also have this book hangover I go through after each book I read. It can be hard to keep up with my reading with a kid in the house who always wants my attention. I naturally assumed since I loved to read, my dna would make her feel the same.

Oh, how wrong I was. Asking her to read and having her actually do it is like pulling teeth. Once she gets started reading, she’ll sometimes get into it. Or, if I suggest reading to her, she whines nooooooo. I love reading her the Ramona Quimby books and she’ll independently read the Princess Posey books which I highly suggest since oh my god she actually reads them, thank you sweet baby jeebus, but again, getting her started up in reading is the biggest pain in the ass.

Here are the stages I’ve gone through with my reluctant reader.

Stage one: You need to read for ten minutes. Yes. Yes. No, you’re not going to see if Samantha is home. You’re going to read. Yes. Yes! Please go and read. Please? Just read. 10 minutes. That’s all I ask. Read. Read now. I got you several different books to choose from at the library today. Maybe you just haven’t found the books that you find interesting yet. So, please go read. Yes! Read! Go!

Stage two: Would you like me to read to you? Why not? Well, let’s have you read to me. Why not? Please? Let’s just sit down and you can read to me for only 10 minutes. You need to ready every day. Yes, you do. Yes. Please read now. Why not, Well, I’m sorry that you have a scratch on your ankle but that doesn’t mean you can’t read. No, it doesn’t. No, it doesn’t. Please, hummingbird. Just read to me for five minutes then. Five minutes! No, it’s not that long. Okay, how about this. You can have a cookie after dinner. Okay, ice cream then. Yes, you can have chocolate sauce but then you have to read for ten minutes. You don’t want chocolate sauce then? Oh, you do. Then, yes, read for 10 minutes. Please just read now. Please!

Stage three: Okay, it’s time to read. We have two hours before dinner. Why don’t read for 20 minutes to yourself while I read too. Why not. No, you can’t watch PAW Patrol. It’s time to read. No. There’s no PAW Patrol while we read. The television is going off. There. Please read. Whichever book you want. There must be something you’d like to read in our library book bag. You picked out all the books. Please, pick something and read. Then, I’ll pick. Here. Okay, then you pick something now. Please, hummingbird. That looks good. Okay, you have twently minutes. No, I said for twenty minutes. Not ten. Twenty. Hummingbird, it’s only for twenty minutes. I’m not asking you to jump off a cliff. Twenty minutes and then you’ll be done for the day. Okay, how about if you read for twenty minutes and you can watch PAW Patrol. No. You can’t watch two. Just one for twenty minutes of reading. Fine, thirty minutes of reading and then you can watch two PAW Patrol’s. No, you can’t watch three. Only two if you read for thirty minutes. Okay. Thank you.

Stage four: Read! Yes! Now! Please, read now! I don’t care if you don’t want to. READ!

Comments { 1 }

Rock Steady

rock-steady

I’m always curious about people’s playlists. When I see someone with ear buds in, I want to walk up, take an ear bud out, and find out what they’re listening to. Since that’s too up close and personal, I’ll stare at them to see if it’s a jammin’ beat they’re swaying to or what reaction I get from them. Yes, I’m weird. I love to people watch. People fascinate me. Okay, I’m sounding really creepy now.

So, I tell myself I’ll keep my exercise playlist fresh and mix it up but it’s low on my priority list until I’m on the elliptical and start pushing shuffle for most of the songs. Here’s my current music motivation. I’m pretty embarrassed by about three or four songs on the list. Like Cool For The Summer. I find the vocals pretty ummm, awful but that song helps me move my ass.

Sober – Pink

Say It Right – Nelly Furtado

Push Upstairs – Underworld

Raise Your Glass – Pink

Problem – Ariana Grande

Everlong – Foo Fighters

Cool For The Summer – Demi Lovato

Catch My Breath – Kelly Clarkson

When Doves Cry – Prince

I Write Sins Not Tragdedies – Panic! At The Disco

No– Meghan Trainor

Locked Out Of Heaven – Bruno Mars

Miss Jackson – Panic! At The Disco

Cry Me A River – Justing Timberlake

SOS – Rihanna

Promiscuous – Nelly Fertado

Bang Bang – Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj

Firework – Katy Perry

Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

Lose Yourself – Eminem

Don’t Stop The Music – Rihanna

When Doves Cry – Prince

Just Give Me A Reason – Pink

Comments { 0 }

Ink Quills Guest Post: Parent Hacks

Kass is part of the Ink Quills blog we’re starting and you can also find her at Katkinslee. It’s easy to get lost in her blog because it’s such a great read..

~~~~~~~~~~

I live in Australia with my husband, my 16 month old gremlin and my two cats.

In 2013 I set up my blog so I could review books and movies, but my weirdness took over pretty quickly so now I ramble about a whole lot of random stuff. I love all things horror and I have a brutal weakness for Pinterest.
Parent Hacks
 The husband is currently away for work so I’m riding solo with the young gremlin, and it got me thinking “How the fuck do single parents do this?!??!” I love my kid but he is driving me insane, he is driving me so crazy that I am tempted to put him in a basket and drop him off at a church or something….do people still do that??

In an attempt to look like I kind of have my shit together, I google things that I can do with the gremlin to stop him from making that horrible whinging sound but it always back fires because Pinterest loves to pop up and remind me just how shit of a parent I am.

So I have compiled some of my own parenting hacks, for those parents who are just trying to make it through the day without slamming their heads into the wall repeatedly.

Hack one: If you’re one of those crazy parents that doesn’t want their kids to watch too much TV, then music is the thing for you! Most kids love music but if they continue to be little assholes, then you just turn the volume up! Hey presto! no more whining!

Hack two: Does your kid want your attention all the time??! All you have to do is lay on the floor and play dead, seriously. Your kid might climb on you and throw toys at you, but if it stops those horrible screeching sounds then who the hell cares!!

Hack three: Kids will steal everything from you, your energy, your will to live, but most importantly, your food. If you can’t manage to sneak into the kitchen to quickly stuff some chips in your mouth then you can just steal the kids food instead! The gremlin has some great snacks and his chocolate custards are the bomb, so I just bring out more than he will eat and then I finish it off for him, and I don’t even have to feel bad for it because I’m just preventing wastage.

The most important hack is biscuits…..yes biscuits…..they can be healthy biscuits if you like but honestly I don’t even worry about the gremlins sugar intake because he works it all off by throwing tantrums so it’s all good. When your kid starts throwing down, you start throwing biscuits. Easy fix.

There you have it….yup……you’re welcome.

Comments { 0 }

You Can’t Handle The Truth

With parenthood, I’ve found myself to be in several situations where I have to stretch the truth to really get the point across. She’s getting too smart to fall for much of that anymore but I still try.

Your teeth will fall out – So, your teeth can fall out if you don’t take care of them obviously but I make it sound like OMG! You won’t have any teeth in a few years so you need to brush them really well.

Yes, I love your singing – My daughter can sing but there are occassions when it’s kinda torture and I think make it stop while putting my finger in my ear. Then she’ll ask me if I knew that she was singing like Adele and of course I say yes, sweetie, you sound a lot alike.

I don’t have anything in my mouth. Why would you think that? – When I just have to sneak that cookie or have a bite of ice cream, she seems to pop up and asks what I’m eating. With a full mouth and a crunch crunch sound, I’ll say nothing. She’s too old to believe that anymore. Damn.

You need to get in bed early because it’s been a long day – Okay, while that is true, my reasoning behind it is holy shit, if my kid isn’t in bed soon, I will lose my damn mind because this day has been never ending and I won’t have time to watch The Walking Dead.

I can’t wait for your grandma and grandpa to get here – They’ve only been her since last night but I’m already hiding in my office to avoid them. I know the hummingbird will eventually figure things out and has done so with some things already but I keep it happy with their arrival even though my stomach will be in knots.

You need to go outside and play. Get some fresh air – Again, that’s true enough but my intentions are because A. I just want to be left alone. B. I’m pms’ing and would like to eat some chocolate in peace without sharing or C. Your father and I want to have a quickie because you never leave us alone or get to bed on time so we’re usually too tired.

Comments { 0 }

Let’s Go To The Vet

That’s right… it’s time for the vet. Let’s chase down our two cats. Ooops, almost had Penny. There she goes again. We’ll, I’ll let my husband grab her. There’s sweet, bigilicious Maisy lying on the couch with no clue about what’s going to happen soon.

And, both cats are in their carriers. I’m lint rolling my shirt because of all the cat hair and accidentally swipe my face with my hand to get off the sweat from my forhead.

Needless to say, sweat and cat hair is an awful combo. It looks like I have to shave my forehead now.

So, into the car we go. Maisy is all chill but Penny, well, Penny wants to sing us a song.

It’s called MEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAAA!

Penny, it’s okay.

MEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWAAAA!

Pennnny, you’re okay. You’ll be just fine.

MEEEOOOWWWWWWAAA!

Okay, Penny, we get your point.

MEEEEOOOOWWWWAAAA!

Meow, meow, meow, Penny. I know, but it will be over soon.

10 minutes of torture Meow’s later….

We’re here, kitties!

MEEEEEOOOOWWWWWAAAA!

We’re standing in the lobby and Penny finally quiets. Hallefuckinglujah!

And, now were in the check up room.

MEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWAAAAA!

Oh my fucking god. Make it stop.

MEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWWAAAA!

Hey, Penny. It’s okay.

A dog barks out side the room.

Penny does her sliding across the floor cartoon animal run.

I laugh my ass off.

Now, it’s time for sniffing, and more sniffing, and more sniffing….

But wait. Penny has more to say. MEEEEOOOOWWWWAAAA!

I wonder if they have cat xanax?

The assistant comes in with a thermometer. Oh, joy! The cats will LOVE this.

MEEEOOOOWWWWWAAA!

Let’s do Penny first. I watch as she lies there anxiously as my husband and I talk calmly to her.

And, boom! You don’t have to see it go in to know the thermometer is up her butt. Penny’s not quite sure about this. I sure as hell wouldn’t be either.

Now, Maisy’s turn. The chill cat will be chill while getting her temp.

Hey, Maisy. You’re doing so good. And, up the butt. Grrrrrrr! Hissssss!

Whoa, she’s the chill cat. Where did that come from? She looks at me like mom, if you were poked with that up your ass, you’d hiss too. Touche, Maisy. Touche.

And now, we wait for the vet.

Since both cats have been violated with the thermometer, it’s time to get down to cleaning themselves. But, Penny can’t let us forget she’s not happy so MEEEOOOWWWWAAA!

They hear someone outside the door and instead of running away from the door, they run to it. It’s vet time.

Penny and Maisy have two shots each but neither is up the butt so we should be good.

Finally finished. I’m covered with so much cat fur that I would’t be surprised if by wiping my mouth off to get the cat hair from my lips, I would look like I grew a beard. There’s also little chunks of fur on my shirt and shorts. I look at my husband and he has cat fur hanging from his nose. I start trying to take it off but he thinks I’m trying to pick his nose. Hey dude, I love you and everything but I would never pick your nose.

Anyway, it could be worse. It’s not like I’m putting a thermometer up his ass.

Comments { 0 }

Our Former Landlord Is Psycho

Warning… ranty words ahead.

Now that we finally bought a house after years of moving all over for the Navy, I thought we would finally be done with dealing with the worst landlord we’ve ever had at our last house.

But nope. This woman is a c u n t mobile. And, she’s a lawyer which is why she can find the loopholes to fuck us over. I know there’s much worse landlord stories than what we’ve gone through. My cousin, her husband and kids are dealing with a woman who puts locks on their shed and throws their little girl’s stuff all over the yard that they had stored away.

The rental market here sucks ass and last year, we only found one somewhat suitable property. It was overpriced and dumpy but it was between that or moving out an hour from where we were living. The house was so overpriced in rent by about 600 dollars but we were really screwed with the lack of options. We also decided not to buy back then because we were still planning on moving back to California or Seattle.

So, we rented from Ms. C u n t Mobile because we didn’t have any other options. From the second day we lived there and on, it was such a pain in the ass. Not only was the value of the house much lower while the landlord jacked up the price, there were also red flags with signing the lease.

She added in that if the stackable washer and dryer were to break, she wouldn’t buy a new one for the house while we were still there.

What I didn’t know was that the washer/dryer was a piece of shit that had the most disgusting smell. Something I wasn’t able to find out until we moved in. Blah, blah, blah, I ended up cleaning out black sludge from the rim of the washer because it hadn’t been taken care of. Not long after, guess what? Why, of course. The washer broke. Luckily we had our own but it wasn’t stackable and there was only enough space for a stackable one so the hubby had to build some contraption were it could fit in the small bathroom.

Ms. C u n t Mobile didn’t give a shit and didn’t even offer to haul it away. We had to have some friends move it down to the basement where it stunk everything up down there.

The landlord would also refuse to do any pest control. We had spiders all over and as much as my husband sprayed. It didn’t make a dent in them. One night while making my daughter’s lunch, I felt something drop on my arm from the ceiling and it was a fucking spider.

Oh my fucking god. After that, every time I made her lunch, I would be looking up at the ceiling every few seconds.

Another issue was the carpet. Not only was it old and falling apart, it was filthy. She kept insisting it was cleaned prior to us moving in but if that was the case, I wouldn’t have the bottom of my feet turn brown from the dirt on the carpet by the end of the day.

There’s lots more that’s petty bullshit but what we’re currently dealing with is our deposit checks. One is for our security deposit and the other is because we paid up until July 15th to give us more time to find a home but were completely moved out on the 5th.

Since we’re no strangers to moving so much, we calculate that since we moved out on the 5th, she would have until August 5th to pay us. But she insisted that since we wanted to extend our stay until the 15th, even though we didn’t stay that long and never had a written agreement, that she had until August 15th to pay us what amount to $2,500. We said fine like we have several times prior because she’s a psycho and we didn’t want to piss her off which would make bigger issues with her.

The hubby and I joked that just to be a bitch, she probably would even send the check until it was postmarked on the 15th, even though I felt it was due 10 days earlier.

Ms. C u n t y Mc Cuntster didn’t send the check until the 17th and it arrived to us on the 18th. That seemed like such a bitch move especially since she knew we were waiting for that chunk of cash.

The next day, the hubby and I got to Target for some things when out of nowhere he says he has to go to the car to make a phone call. I just assumed it was a work thing but he eventually comes back in while fuming. My husband doesn’t fume. He rarely gets anger and he’s as cool as a cucumber which can help tame my high anxiety.

He told me that Psycho had really pissed him off. My stomach sank and I couldn’t imagine what it could be. I had been telling him that I’ve been having a gut feeling she isn’t going to make this move out easy on us and will try and fuck us in some way.

And she sure did! She had emailed my husband and said while she was checking up on the utilities to see that they were all paid up (wtf? I’ve never had a landlord do that) and she found that morning that we have a sewer bill due for $71.40 and she will reissue our checks for the deposit and rent only after we show her proof that the bill is paid. She also said she was going to take the stop payment charges out of our money.

One… it we owe money on a bill, it was a complete oversight on our part and told her we accept that. We did find out that we owed it and paid for it promptly. We had just never received a bill. We also showed her proof of the payment but she’s been ignoring us and won’t answer her phone whenever we call.

Two… what the fuck, lady? She’s putting a stop payment on both checks when this bill has nothing to do with her. She wants proof that we pay it? And she wants confirmation from the sewer department after it’s paid by having someone from the department confirm it to her?

It’s pretty ironic that it’s the sewer department since she’s a piece of shit. Thankfully, my husband found that with Maine law, the landlord can’t keep any portion of the security deposit if it’s anytime after the date it was due, which was the 15th. We got it three days later. So, she fucked herself there.

Also, even though it’s in her lease about this very issue, the law says it overrides what the leaser says.

Either way, she finally fucked up but we haven’t heard from her since Friday evening. The law also states she has to give us the checks within 7 days or else she has to pay us double the amount she owes us. Go, Maine law! It seems so easy peasy. Just write a new check and send it out ASAP, or reverse the stop payment on the security deposit check.

But, I have a feeling with her being a lawyer, she’s going to fuck with us some more first since she’s been using so many loopholes for everything that she’s been fucking us over with this past year.

All I know is I actually had a celebration with tequila once we finally received those checks because it meant we never have to deal with the psycho again. But now, we’re still tied to her by this money.

What a bitch.

Any landlord from hell stories?

Comments { 1 }

Douche Bag

Me to Husband: Something smells fishy in the house. It’s like if you swam in a lake fishy kind of smell. What the hell is that?

Husband to Me: Maybe you need to douche.

Me: Runs up and jumps on his back while playfully pretending to strangle him. Goes back to sit on couch.

Me: I’m serious though. The house really does have a light fishy smell.

Husband: Then, close your legs.

Me: You asshole!

Me: Playfully pretends to strangle husband again. Honest. He really is still alive.

What it ended up being was that the hummingbird hadn’t been flushing her toilet and left the lid open with lots of pee. Gag!

Another day…

The hummingbird is in summer camp and we have the house to ourselves all day. We went out to lunch and came back home. It was only 1 pm so we had four more hours to kill and spend together.

Me: What should we do for the rest of the day?

A wide open opportunity to get some down and dirty time. Oooh la la.

Husband: I’m going to watch some You Tube videos on how to fertilize the yard.

Me: Yeah, I think I’m going to read for a while.

And, this is what (21 years of) marriage looks like.

Comments { 3 }