Marriage Before Kids Vs. Marriage After

Sex

Before – Having sex anywhere you please and for as long as you want.

After – Lying in bed together late at night, getting frisky, and then a few minutes later, hear the slightest noise and scramble to put your clothes back on when it just ended up being one of your cats getting into mischief.

The next morning while our young daughter is watching her favorite cartoons, run into the bathroom together, lock the door, and have a quickie. But our daughter always seems to have the spidey sense to figure out we’re missing and starts banging on the door, asking us why it’s locked. “Um, uh, your dad and I had something we needed to talk about really quick.” Or “Oh, was the door locked? I’m not sure how that happened.”

Showers

Before – Taking a shower and having my husband walk into the bathroom to join me.

After – Taking a shower and having my husband walk into the bathroom while I start thinking “Oooh, nice. We haven’t done this in a while.” Only to have him end up digging through the cabinets to find a princess band-aid for our kid’s boo boo. Also, having my husband and I actually say boo boo.

Romantic Nights In

Before – Cuddling on the couch, sipping some wine, and watching a movie.

After – Watching the same episode of Daniel Tiger for the 50th fucking time.

Talking About Our Day

Before – Having all the time in the world to discuss matters.

After – Trying to talk to each other while your kid says Mom? Mom? Mom? Dad? Mom? Mom?

Or talking as fast as an auctioneer when your kid leaves the room and trying to get in a week’s worth of talking within a few minutes.

Or filing it in your brain under “we can wait and talk about this without interruption once our child has moved out of the house”.

Going Out To Dinner

Before – Going to a sushi place and getting tipsy on sake.

After – Going to the “fancy” McDonald’s with a playground.

 Car Trips

Before – Listening to whatever you want, getting flirty and handsy with your husband, and being able to talk for hours.

After – Listening to your child start asking “are we there yet?” within 2 minutes of leaving for your destination because holy hell, they really do ask that and it’s not just something you see kids do in movies and get stuck hearing a Kidz Bop cd over and over while you try with all of your might to keep yourself from opening the car door and jumping out of a moving vehicle so you can escape the most annoying music you’ve ever heard.

What are some things you miss doing in your relationship after having kids? Also, can we start a petition to ban all Kidz Bop music for the sanity of all future parents?

*Sergei Polunin

** I got the hummingbird a Kidz Bop Christmas cd a few months ago and it was kinda cute the first time we heard it but by the time we got home, I wanted to rip my face off.

Comments { 2 }

Chocolate Pecan Pie Tarts

tarts11

We were supposed to get hit by another blizzard over the weekend but it was a bust. Good thing, since it seems like it will take all summer for the snow to melt here.

Here’s a tasty treat to make for these cold days.

Ingredients:

  • 6 ounces cream cheese
  • 1 cup butter, softened
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/4 cup butter, softened
  • 1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 3/4 cups chopped pecans
  • Some semi-sweet chocolate morsels

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 325 F

2. Grease 24 normal sized cupcake or muffin cups

3. To Make Crust: In medium mixing bowl, cream together cream cheese and 1 cup butter until light and fluffy. Blend in flour, 1/2 cup at a time, forming a smooth dough.

4. Roll into 24 equal balls and press one into each greased cup so it lines the bottoms and sides, like a pie crust. If you have a cup that will fit into the muffin cups, you can put some pam or flour on it, and push the cup into the dough ball, so you don’t have to form all the crusts by hand.

4. Now, take the chocolate morsels, and put 6 to 10 in each cup, depending on how much chocolate you want in them.

5. To Make Filling: In a medium mixing bowl, cream together 1/4 cup butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs until thoroughly blended. Stir in vanilla. Stir in pecans. Fill each lined cup half full.

6. Bake in oven for 25 minutes, or until lightly browned. Let cool in cups, then use a butter knife to flip each tart out.

7. Set them on cooling racks until completely cooled. Store in airtight container.

Enjoy!

Comments { 0 }

How To Shave Your Legs When You’re A Mom

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Step 1: Make sure to put a load of laundry in the washer first. That way, while in the shower, the water pressure and temperature will make for a totally unpredictable and fun showering experience.

Step 2: Less than a minute after you’ve stepped into the shower, your child barges into the bathroom to let you know they are bored.

Step 3: Tell them to give you 5 minutes and you’ll be right out.

Step 4: They answer back with “How long is 5 minutes, mom?”

Step 5: While washing your hair like your arms are on speed, reply with “It’s about the same amount of time that it takes you to use the bathroom, wash your hands, and brush your hair.”

Step 6: Finally alone again, while blinded by shampoo dripping down your face, you step on something hard.

Step 7: When you can see again, you realize what you stepped on is a little, plastic Cinderella. The Cinderella you bought for your 5 year-old at Target because they have them perfectly placed by the check out, on the lowest shelf for little eyes to spot.

Step 8: Pick up the overpriced, plastic Cinderella and try to find a spot to place it on the tub which is crowded with an assortment of several bath toys even though you have a toy mesh bag to hold said toys.

Step 9: Your child comes into the bathroom again, whining that they are SO HUNGRY and need a snack right now. They emphasize this with a few foot stomps.

Step 10: Tell them you’ll be just a few more minutes but if they need a snack right this instant, there is a box of crackers on the kitchen counter.

Step 11: Grab your razor from the shower rack hanging on the shower head. Have the shower rack slide down and almost hit you in the face while you have a mini heart attack.

Step 12: Curse your husband under your breath because you asked him a year ago to fix the shower rack so it doesn’t fall down every single time you shower.

Step 13: Try to find a place to put your foot up on the tub so you can quickly shave your legs.

Step 14: Have your child come in again and let you know they don’t like the crackers that are on the counter and they want sliced apples and peanut butter instead.

Step 15: Tell them that you’ll be just a few more minutes.

Step 16: They tell you it’s already been a few minutes.

Step 17: “Sweetie, I would have been done by now if you would just let mommy hurry up and finish”. This is one of those times where using “sweetie” translates to “Holy fucking hell, kid. My precious child, you’re being a pain in my ass”.

Step 18: Alone again, you can’t find a place to put your foot onto the tub because it’s covered in bath toys but you do find a little spot where you can put a tiny bit of your big toe on. Good enough.

Step 19: Try to balance yourself while putting shaving cream on your legs and holding a sharp razor.

Step 20: Do the “baby deer walking on ice” wobble while trying to maintain your balance when shaving.

Step 21: Have your child come in and say in the sweetest voice “Mommy?” You yell out “WHAT?” 5 year-old: “I made you this.” You can’t see what it is but quickly say “Okay, thanks, be out in a minute!”

Step 22: Wait… did I shave my armpits?

Step 23: Where did I set down the shaving cream?

Step 24: While turning around in the shower to find the shaving cream, step on something squishy and have another mini heart attack. It’s a blue octopus that squirts water out of its mouth.

Step 25: Yay, you’re done shaving.

Step 26: Get out of the shower and find that your child made you a picture of a heart that says “I love you, mom.”

Step 27: Feel ALL the feels, especially the guilt of getting annoyed with your kid because you just wanted a few minutes to shave your legs since you could actually feel the hair on your legs blow around while walking and you could not wait another day to shave but then your child made it nearly impossible to do it and now you feel like shit for raising your voice at them because they made you such a sweet picture and why in the hell don’t they ever bother their father like this when HE is taking a shower?!

Step 28: Go find your child, give them a big hug and kiss, and thank them for the picture they drew for you.

Step 29: Back in the bathroom, get out the lotion to moisturize you newly shaved legs.

Step 30: Find a patch of hair that was never touched by your razor, probably for a good month, on the back of your left leg.

Step 31: Fuck.

Comments { 2 }

What’s For Lunch?

These are hummingbird lunches I’ve made over the past month or so, not the past week, so it looks like I’ve been sugaring her up every day. To find out what I use to snazz up the lunches a bit, click here.

jan-wfl101

L to R

*cookie

*cucumbers and cherry tomatoes

*crackers

*pepperoni

*cheese cubes

*ranch dressing in container

jan-wfl112

L to R

*goldfish crackers

*cucumbers and carrot sticks

*peanut butter and honey sandwich

*ranch dressing in container

jan-wfl46

L to R

*grapes

*cherry tomatoes with italian dressing and parmesan (Fail! I’ll stick with using ranch to get my 5 year-old to eat her veggies)

*cheez-it crackers

*pepperoni

*cookie

*cheese cubes

jan-wfl84

L to R

*sausage

*clementine

*french toast sticks

*maple syrup in container

jan-wfl53

L to R

*tortilla chips

*grapes

*veggie tortilla wrap (a little mayo, sliced sweet pickles, sliced carrots, and shredded cheese)

*salsa in container

jan-wfl25

L to R

*strawberries

*green beans

*cubed cheese

*goldfish

*peanut butter cup

*ranch in container

Comments { 3 }

La Maldita Plaga

Hola! Damn, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it. I got my 106th cold (since the hummingbird started Kindergarten) a few days before Christmas and I’m still fighting it off. Mostly, because I keep getting these nasty sinus infections. I’ve been putting it off but I’m pretty sure I need to see an ENT since it’s been awhile. What’s stopping me is that I know there’s a chance I may have to have another surgery and ugh, I would hate that.

I hope to see my doctor soon about getting things checked out by an ENT.

So, in the meantime I have been completely slacking off because I feel like crappola. But I miss you guys.

There is a blizzard heading our way and I’m so off the wall happy about that.

No, wait. It’s my crazy husband who’s actually excited for a BLIZZARD!

And for the best news ever, my in-laws will be visiting us starting Valentine’s weekend and staying for 5 days.

Yes, 5 DAYS! In our house. For 5 days. 24/7. Staying here. In our house. For 5 DAYS!

Haha. Hahahaha. HAHA! This should be a ton of fun.

Anyway, as much as I despise the snow, the little hummingbird has been doing really well in her ice skating classes. My girl is fearless. And the hubby set up an ice skating rink in our front yard for the hummingbird.

I haven’t tried it out because the closest I’ve been to ice skating is holding on to the side of the rink with a death grip and without moving while I repeatedly say “Help! Help! Get me off this fucking ice!”

ice-skating1

Comments { 1 }

And Why Is This A Problem?!

So, I get stuck with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder.

But these women get stuck with too many orgasms, most which don’t require sex.

I was flipping through the channels the other night and came hahaha across this show.

Really, now? Really?!

Just think of all the money you would save on Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to get a similar effect.

100-orgasms1

Comments { 6 }

Just Eat Your Damn Dinner

a0721fa704838a78d19b5dcd5f443007My daughter is a tiny girl with a little appetite. Every once in a while she’ll chow down but it’s not often. She always, always, always has some reason why she won’t eat (as do many kids) and it drives me mad. She’ll come home from Kindergarten, say she’s STARVING, and will take just a few bites of her snack before she says she can’t eat another bite.

Then, an hour before dinner, I usually hear: Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Well, you should have eaten your snack. But, I wasn’t that hungry then. It will be dinner soon. You’ll have to wait until then. But mooom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry.

Finally, dinner will come and again, she’ll use every excuse in the book to not eat. The hummingbird is currently in a phase where every little scratch or bump is a major medical emergency so she’s been using those reasons a lot. There are many times when I want to scream JUST EAT!

I kind of feel like a hostage negotiator.

Me: Eat three more bites.

Hummingbird: How about one?

Me: No, three and then you can have a little treat.

Hummingbird: Can I still have a treat if I eat two more bites?

Me: No.

Hummingbird: But my tummy’s full.

Me: Then I guess you don’t have any room in there for a treat.

Hummingbird: How about one big bite?

Me: No. How about if you just take two more bites?

Hummingbird: But I just took a bite. Does that count?

Me: No. Two more bites.

Hummingbird: But then that will be three bites because I just had one.

Me: *Head Explodes*

Reasons My Kid Won’t Eat

10. I’ve got a scratch on my pinky and need a band-aid. Now, it hurts too much to pick up my fork.

9. I’m too tired.

8. I banged my foot on the stairs and broke my ankle.

7. My tummy’s tired.

6. I poked my finger in my eye and need ice.

5. Do you want a hot dog for dinner? Yes! Are you sure? Yes! Will you eat it? Yes! Sets her plate down. I don’t want a hot dog anymore. My tummy changed its mind.

4. I can’t eat because my leg hurts when I bend it. I think I broke my knee. Well, then don’t bend your leg. But I need a band-aid to make it feel better.

3. I didn’t want that plate.

2. I’m too cold to eat. Go put on a jacket. *Runs upstairs and comes back down a few minutes later in a whole new outfit… minus the jacket.* I’m still cold. Yes, because you forgot your jacket. Oh. *Puts on jacket.* Now I’m too hot.

1. I hurt the blood vessels in my foot.

Comments { 6 }