This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

I first started uttering this sentence last year. I never really got it until I took a good look at my house and saw it in such disarray and I wanted to ugly cry. I only have a 7 year-old but she makes the mess of twenty frat boys. Add to that a husband and holy shit, I’m done for.

Burps and farts galore – We instilled in the hummingbird at a young age that these things were funny. Now, it’s come back to bite me in the ass. My husband came from a “prim and proper” household where they NEVER did that and I honestly don’t think my in-laws have ever let out a good burp in private which could be why they are the way they are.

There’s no farting at the table but it doesn’t stop the hummingbird to let one rip which then makes me gag. The hubby will follow that with a large burp which he never usually did until we had the bird and poop and barf were a big subject between us when she was a baby. I’ve created gassy monsters.

Clothes everywhere – Asking kids to put their dirty clothes in a laundry basket is apparently one of the most difficult tasks since they end up leaving them all over the bedroom floor and scattered throughout the house. There’s a dress laying by our front door, dirty socks by the stairs, and shorts and a skirt just lying on the floor in the kitchen.

No matter how many times I stress to my 7 year-old that she must pick up her clothes, I end up being the one to pick all of that up. Her room on the other hand is her responsibility, which is why I try to avoid it. Her complaint is that “I can’t clean all this up myself” and my response is “But, you made the mess so you need to pick it up.”

Itty bitty Lego all over – The hummingbird and hubby love playing with Legos. I’ve never gotten it and have tried to be involved too but I’m just not into you, Lego. I have found there is something more painful than stepping on a lego. A few months ago, I stepped on a small My Little Pony and I’m not sure my foot will ever recover.

The shoe fight – Not only has the hummingbird acquired more shoes than I have, which is totally my fault, every damn morning, we still go through the shoe struggle. It starts off with the simple request of her getting her shoes on and ends up with me practically on my knees, begging for her to just put on shoes that fit.

Somehow, the shoes she outgrew keep coming back in the mudroom, even after hiding them from her, and it goes back and forth with me telling her she needs to wear shoes that fit. But no, that would be too easy. She wants to wear the shoes that just a week before, were hurting her feet. Oy!

Food on the floor that looks like someone went on a drunk eating binge – The little bird is currently going through a growth spurt which is awesome but most food seems to make it on the table and the floor than in her mouth. I wasn’t sure how that happens until a few nights ago after being at summer camp all day, she came home like she had been given red bull.

She couldn’t sit still at dinner and kept on hopping up to show us some dance moves she learned or she would sing us a song. She was bitten by the acting bug last year when she saw a school play of an older friend. And, just last week, after months of rehearsals, she was in a children’s stage production that she loved doing. So, she has been singing non stop for the past few months.

I’m all for that put please don’t fling your food around at the dinner table while getting up to belt out songs. It’s not just the food left under and around the dining room table but a buffet also starts forming around the couch and coffee table. The worst things I’ve stepped on, besides pee, is grapes and macaroni and cheese. The mushy feeling on the bottom of my foot is nasty.

I farted or I’m pooping – Even when it isn’t apparent, the bird has to make it known that she farted. Then, I get a whiff and run like hell from the room which she finds hysterical. When I can finally come back to the room, I’ll ask her what she’s been eating because damn, with all the food she leaves on the floor, one would think she has nothing to release that’s so stinky and awful. I also thought after the whole potty training experience, I wouldn’t have to deal with poop anymore but nope. She has to announce it every single time.

Parenthood isn’t for the faint of heart and the smells and sounds will knock your ass out.

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Music Monday: Jack White

 

 

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Assholes And The Dumbasses Who Love Them

The Kardashians – Years ago, I thought they were mildly entertaining but after seeing young girls aspire to be like the Kartrashian women, that’s some scary shit. These people have fans… what the fuck?

The Duggars – They spawned Josh Duggar and are in a cult. Need I say more?

Chris Brown – This fucking guy. Fucking fuck. What an abusive, angry asshole.

Our former landlord – I’ll just say that I am so thankful that we now own our own home and never have to deal with landlords ever again.

My brother-in-law – He’s a douche du jour. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen him so the douche factor isn’t as high as it’s normally been throughout the years but holy hell, he’s an asshole.

The Palin Family – I don’t even know where to start with this mess of a family. And seriously. Bristol Palin was paid thousand of dollars to speak and promote abstinence and got knocked up by two baby daddy’s. Please don’t misunderstand. Normally, that wouldn’t make me so judgemental but also, men and women that have different moms and dads for their children don’t get paid the big bucks for preaching abstinence.

Kanye West – Oy. He’s a delusional, raging lunatic. Fits right in with the Kartrashian family but damn, I feel bad for his poor kids.

Dani Mathers – I only first knew she existed yesterday and if you’re not familiar with her, she’s a Playboy playmate that took a photo of a naked woman in the shower at the gym. She posted the photo and made some smug ass comment about the woman’s body. This asshole committed an appalling act of an invasion of privacy. I go to the gym… when I remember because I’m paying 50 bucks a month, and I can’t even imagine someone doing that shit to me or thinking it was okay to pull something like that.

Mike Fuckabee – Hmmm. Let me count the ways. He’s an asshole, plain and simple. He also supported Josh Duggar. Dick.

Donald Trump – I could go on and on and on and on about this fuckwad. It enrages me that he spreads so much hate… and other assholes support his fuckwad ass. I’ve seen two Donald Trump For President bumper stickers and that’s two too many. He’s a misogynistic, racist, hateful piece of shit and it’s terrifying that so many people are supporting him.

*Lazeretto

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6 Reasons Summer Sucks

I could make a longer list but I’ll spare you.

6. Mosquitos – Mosquitos are assholes that make my sensitive skin pissed off at me. And then I take Benadryl which knocks me out during the day but you know when it doesn’t knock me out? When I need it most… at night. Chronic insomniac here! I’m up half the night on the stuff.

5. The sun – I do like the sun but I’m more of a partly cloudy kind of girl vs. having the sun feel like a tanning bed blasting in my face.

4. 4th of July – I love the 4th of July but what sucks is the assholes in the neighborhood who light fireworks weeks before and weeks after the forth. They tend to do this soon after I put my kid to bed and I want to kill them because yay, my kid is finally asleep but boo, those damn fireworks will wake her up.

3. Kids – The kids are home from school and maybe this is just me but it takes all my strength to keep the hummingbird occupied for an hour. She has energy galore and by the end of the hour, I’m ready for a nap. Thank sweet baby jeebus for summer camp; where other people are paid to play with your children. My 7 year-old has so much fun there but what baffles me is after being there all day, she wants to play soccer, go for a bike ride, go swimming, run a marathon, and pull the car 10 miles when she gets home.

2. Boob sweat – I don’t like to sweat and boob sweat makes it more gross. Wearing a bra sucks as it is but come summer, the boobies be a sweatin’. Some dickhead man must have invented the bra because it sucks and on top of that, in the summer, wearing a shirt makes it hotter and marinates my boobs in boob sweat. Thanks bra inventor asshole.

1. Frizzy hair- I do the Brazilian blowout on my hair but even so, I need to perfect the hair bun because despite straightening my hair, it becomes that of a clown’s wig from Halloween in the summer. Not only that, I’m sweaty and sticky and my hair is all wet from my sweaty boobs. The heat from my boobs radiates to my head and sets my scalp on fire, hence the sweaty, frizzy hair. Or, so I’m assuming.

friends-monica

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Music Monday… on Tuesday: P!nk

Some of Pink’s songs bring out the stripper in me that I didn’t know existed. You probably have at least one song that does that. I start shaking my hips, drop it like it’s hot, and dance like no one’s watching. Cheers!

 

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Six Years

give-it-away

I just realized something today. It’s been six years since I’ve been blogging which led me to follow my dreams and publish real books. I could go on and on but I’ll make this short. Well, probably not that short.

Because I’m so thankful that people actually read my nonsensical ramblings, I want to give some shit away. And, it’s me giving it away from the bottom of my heart, not some sponsored thing. These are things I love to use on a regular basis.

The winner will receive cocoa butter body butter and creamy cocoa butter body wash from The Body Shop. The second place winner will receive some awesome bath bombs from Lush. My friend, Dee, introduced me to them and when my 7 year-old takes a bath with a Lush bath bomb, her skin is so soft and her hair is more manageable. They’re wonderful.

The giveaway ends Tuesday, July 12th at 11:59 EST and will be picked by the trusty random number generator. If you’re like me then you’re thinking “EST, what the hell? I have to do math for this?” Don’t worry… as long as your entry is time stamped before midnight, your entry will count.

It’s also one entry per person and it’s not just inclusive to the United States. You can be anywhere in the world. All you have to do is leave a comment telling me this:

What’s one of your guilty pleasures?

P.S. I’m really loving reading your comments! One of my many guilty pleasures is watching episodes of Sex And The City or UnReal while eating a hook and ladder sandwich from Firehouse Subs when my daughter is in school and the hubby is at work.

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Ink Quills

I had a group blog before but unfortunately, it didn’t work out as planned. Having a group blog was harder than I thought, with more work that I expected but I’m crazy enough to give it another try. I’m not looking for anything in particular, just people who love writing.

I can’t say this enough… if you love writing but don’t have a blog, please contact me. Even if you would only like to contribute once in a blue moon

I have a domain for Ink Quills but I thought I would start publishing the posts on this site to start off with for the first few months. Then I would post here and on the group site. I’d really like to put my Anonymous Parent section to use more as well. It’s for parents and others to really tell it like it is about anything and everything without the worry of people knowing who you are.

Ink Quills is still in the very early stages but I’d like to start posting in the next few months. Just know that I welcome all types of writing. Food, decorating, fashion, crafts, DIY, teaching, poetry, news, art work, photography, guest posts (for this blog and Ink Quills), short stories, humor, flash fiction, television show updates, travel, creative writing, music, book reviews, and anything else you can think of.

Basically, everything under the sun. I’m looking for about four-six people but that may change. Contact me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot come and please put Ink Quills in the subject line.

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