An Ass As Big As A Hot Air Balloon

If you want honesty, talk to a kid. When my daughter wants more information about something that I just can’t find the words for, I tell her to ask her dad.

A few years ago, my daughter took a picture of my butt which she thought was funny. When I saw the picture, my ass looked like it could take the place of a hot air balloon and fly the basket with the highest occupancy.

I asked my daughter if my butt is that big and she said, you saw the picture.

Ah, yes. Kids and the brutal truth will smack you upside the head when you least expect it.

On the other hand, when I’m feeling shitty about myself, the hummingbird tries to cheer me up.

For instance, when I fuck up dinner most nights because I still can’t cook properly, and I either undercook or overcook something. She’ll say you’re the best cook, mom.

Yes, I know that’s a lie but it’s sweet.

Then, there are the brutal moments. I styled my hair a different way using a curling wand and my natural curls instead of straightening the hell out of it. I had many compliments the day before. The woman at the pharmacy even said my hair looked really nice. I may go there too much if they know me that well.

Anyway, I did my hair the same way a few days later and my daughter comes home from school.

Her: Your hair looks different.

Me: That’s because I’ve been letting my hair go naturally curly.

Her: No, I mean it doesn’t look like you brushed it at all today.

Me: Ouch! Oh, I didn’t think it looked too bad.

Her. Yeah, and it looks like you slept on it a few times and it’s all bunched up together.

Me: Damn, girl, you’re a hard chicky to please. I just finger brushed it so it wouldn’t make the curls frizz.

Her: Well, okay but your hair looks like you just woke up.

Me: Whoooosh! My kid just killed me with verbal firepower about what I thought was my awesome hair. Well, sweetie, I don’t always have enough time to spend on my hair because you can be as slow as a slug in mud and you won’t listen when I tell you to hurry up in the morning before school. If you did, I could have more time to spend on my hair but instead I’m walking out of the bathroom yelling, Hummingbird!! Are you dressed yet? Did you brush your teeth and hair? Did you go pee yet? Every. other. minute.

Me for real: Well, sweetie. Maybe my hair would look better if we can work together to get ready for the bus on time.

Her: Okay, mom. But, you really do look like you have bedhead.

Me: Fuckity fuck fuck fucking hell. Thanks bird but, sometimes it’s not always best to tell the truth like that.

Her: Why?

Me: Ask your dad.

What are some of the brutally honest things you’ve been told by your kids? 

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Second Grade

It was rough last year when my daughter was in second grade. While I have the absolute highest respect for anyone that works with children since that shit isn’t easy, my daughter’s teacher and the hummingbird didn’t quite mesh. The bird completely adored her teacher but her teacher seemed to have some harsh things to say about the bird.

We also heard nothing but RAVE REVIEWS about this teacher from every-fucking-body who heard her name. So, I was confused about how she talked about my daughter the way she did.

I don’t mean to make a big deal about it but it still bothers me after over a year. This was one of those unexpected situations I’ve had since being a parent. Of course, every day as a parent deals with unexpected situations.

When we walked into “Mrs. Second Grade’s” classroom for our first parent/teacher conference, I went in expecting nothing less than how cooperative and attentive the hummingbird is.

Wrong.

She dived right in to tell us how the bird takes her time with each task and doesn’t “transition” from task to task as expected.

I’m not making excuses, but kids. move. so. fucking. slow.

So, I was baffled at how annoyed Mrs. Second Grade was. She actually said “Please, tell me how to handle your daughter?”

Oh.

Ok.

What the fuck, lady?

I’m sorry if she takes her time to do things right the first time.

Counting preschool, we’ve heard nothing but positive things and constructive criticism about our daughter which I’ve taken to heart. But never anything so grim sounding, like our kid is a disaster and doesn’t know how to handle my child because she doesn’t always jump to attention.

Yes, she’s as slow as a snail but what kid isn’t? Oh my god, they move like they’re sinking in quicksand. It’s like pulling teeth in the slowest possible way ever when it comes to kids getting ready for school, or going to an activity, or getting dressed, or brushing their teeth… etc.

Yet, this teacher made it seem like that was the strangest thing for a kid my daughter’s age. Sure, I get frustrated on a daily basis with my little snail but I’m around her friends and they also take time to do things. You have to remind them 10 times when it comes to practically anything.

Especially, when a play date comes to an end. We have to give at the very least, 20 minutes to prepare to depart from one another.

Even then, it usually takes an additional 10 minutes to say goodbye.

Anyway, it was very frustrating for the bird’s teacher to be so down on her. I don’t doubt at all that Mrs. Second Grade is a great teacher. I do know, however, that when my husband volunteered at our daughter’s school last year for a handful of teachers, he said that while helping out with the class, Mrs. Second Grade reminds him of the drill Sargent he had in Officer Candidate School.

I know part of it is also the fact that this teacher went straight to the negative things about my then 6 year-old. Seriously, though. She was only 6 years-old.

If I may speak freely, that is such bullshit. A teacher being so hard on a kid at such a young age. When I was six, one of my favorite things was sniffing crayons and wishing they were edible.

My daughter still talks about that teacher with such love and I just hold my tongue.

I have to say it again.

She was just 6 years-old. My aspirations for my kid at that age were not to fart at the dining room table and to wash her hands… WITH SOAP. You have to add the soap part.

The teacher she has now is a much better match, thankfully. I was so nervous about this parent/teacher conference but then I ended up in the hospital so I missed it. What my husband told me was so much different than what we heard three times last year.

The hummingbird is working really hard, too. She’s getting extra help in math. I’m guessing it’s because common core math is such a fucking nightmare. I was even having trouble explaining her second grade math to her and trying to understand what the fuck they’re doing and why they’re making math more difficult than it should be.

The bird also had 4 fucking torturous nights of homework in second grade every week. I know it will just become more work as she gets older but she has less homework in third grade than she did last year. Thank you, sweet baby jebus!

Because if there’s ever a time for yelling and tears for both of you, it’s during your kid’s homework time.

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Notebooks, And Daily Planners, And Pens…

I make my way into the entrance. I’m welcomed by a greeter who says hello and I flash a quick smile towards them. I’m here on one mission and one mission only. I swerve out of the way of a mom with two toddlers and a runaway shopping cart.

And then.

I step into my glorious place.

On one side, I’m surrounded by pens and pencils.

Oooh, yeah!

On the other side are enough post-its on the display to make an outfit out of them. Mmmhmmm, I would love to have a post-it outfit.

Just a few steps away are the notebooks and journals.

Sexy.

I covfefe, I mean I confess, I’m an office supply slut.

I can’t get enough notebooks and colored pencils. Markers and printer paper.

Even if the notebook gets passed on to my 8 year-old’s way and is marked on each page with a face of a kitten or bunny rabbit, I still absolutely love picking out notebooks that I have every intention of writing in but don’t always follow through because I have so many that “I just had to have” at the time.

Daily planners are also my hot jam.

I don’t use them for my daily planning. I use them as a food and exercise diary. Yet, it always happens.

I’ll sneak a peek at the daily planners on Amazon, even though I’ve been using another one. It will be some pretty purple daily planner with a flower cut out of it.

I have to have this now!!!

And, that’s why I have three daily planners in a drawer in my kitchen.

Paper clips make me weak at the knees. You don’t even wan’t to know what a stapler does to me.

I have four words.

Magnetic. Shopping. List. Pad.

Ooh, la la.

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I Don’t Have The Ability To Shrink Clothes When Washing And Drying Them Like My Mom Did When I Was Young. I’m So Bummed.

While growing up, my mom would wash and dry our clothes and she had the magical ability to turn my 5T sweater into a Barbie dress. The most amazing experience I’ve ever witnessed was when I was visiting her in my early 20’s for a holiday.

My bra needed to dry and I usually air dry it but I was in a rush so my mom threw it in the dryer. She took the clothes out of the dryer and we were baffled when we couldn’t find my bra.

Then, we saw it.

My bra, that poor, dear bra had melted into the back of the dryer. My mother had to actually peel the bra from the back of the got damn dryer.

There it was. A crumpled and burned mess. On one hand, it was my only bra that didn’t annoy me so I wanted to take a sledgehammer to that dryer. But, on the other hand, it was just a weird mishap and fucking hilarious.

Still.

Fuck you, dryer.

The point of the story, I’m guessing, is that I can’t shrink my daughter’s clothes the way my mom can. I actually wish I could.

No, really.

The hummingbird is small for being 8 years-old. So, there are clothes I buy and have to know what runs small or big. I bought these fleece pajama pants for her that was a 7/8 and they seemed to fit but I was really surprised by how big they were on her when she tried them on. The younger size was too small so she’s in the middle. She will most likely be able to wear them through 9 years-old.

I washed them and put them in the dryer for longer than needed but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

They didn’t shrink.

Hmmm… I think my mom needs to come back to Maine so she can work her magic and shrink some of these clothes that I have for the hummingbird.

I just don’t have the magic touch that she has.

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Of Course I’m Going To Run Into Someone I Know When I Look Like I Fell Out Of The Ass Of A Tyrannosaurus Rex

When I was in my pre-teen/teen years, my mom would tell me why bother with the way I look when we were just going to a trip to the grocery store or the laundromat.

Guess what?

Mommie dearest lied.

You’re, in fact, destined to run into anyone and everyone when you look like your dying of Ebola and forgot to even brush your hair when making that quick trip to Target for some cold medicine.

My mom would say that we’re just going to the laundromat and boom, there was my crush of the month who was also there. I was 13 and would be mortified.

Oh my god… my hair isn’t hair sprayed to death and I don’t have make up on.

My most recent run in was a few weeks ago. I had to get a CT scan of my heart and it was really early in the morning. They called me back to get the i.v. started for contrast and I was sitting there with my hair all wild, no bra, and blotches on my face from lack of makeup.

I was sitting there waiting my turn and completely zoned out on benadryl and prednisone because I’m allergic to the CT scan dye and break out in blisters.

There I was, slumped over the chair, since benadryl fucks me up like you wouldn’t believe.

From my dazed view I hear the words “Are you the little hummingbird’s mom?” “I saw you here last week when you were in ICU but I didn’t want to say anything.”

Yes, yes I am.

“I thought so. We’re neighbors. I’m “Ashley’s” mom”!

Oh, yes, yes you are… as drool dribbles out of my mouth and I’m seeing Smurfs skydive because Benadryl fucks me up that bad.

Most of the time I don’t give a fuck, though. I proudly showed up to my 8 year-old’s school in my pajamas the other day.

It takes me a lot to put on real clothes but if I’m driving 5 minutes to my kid’s school in 20 degree weather, I want to be comfy in pajama pants, a sweatshirt, snow boots, and to make the outfit… my fanciest scarf that says yes, yes I do kind of sort of give a fuck.

Really, it’s that fancy of a scarf. Or, fancy in my eyes. At least it’s not something I crawled out of bed with.

While we’re at it, let’s go back to that time in Target when I was picking up cold medicine. My nose was bright red from blowing it and my eyes were bloodshot. My hair was wild and my voice was hoarse. Then, I hear,

“Excuse me? Excuse me, Miss? I know you from the Unitarian church, don’t I?”

Her face doesn’t register but since we don’t got to the UU church very often, I’m sure that’s where we know each other from.

I quickly say “Yes, that must be it. Nice seeing you”. Then, I run my ass down the handsoap aisle and want to fall through the floor from embarrassment.

So, dear, mom. When you said “Don’t bother, you won’t see anyone you know”…. I will shout “It’s a trick! I’m going to see 30 people I know because I decided not to put on my bra. Because that’s the way it works.

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Book Suggestions For Kids And Adults

Soon, it will be the New Year! I really hope next year will be a better year than this year. I might have suggested some of these books in the past and for that, I’m a dumbass. I can’t remember every book I’ve suggested previously. I’ve been finding more comfort in books than ever before. It keeps me away from all the shit happening in the real world.

Noah The Norwhal: A Tale Of Downs And Ups – This is a wonderful book by Judith Lausner for kids about invisible illnesses. I think it’s a wonderful way to show children how even though you seem fine on the outside, inside, there are those who are struggling with issues that you can’t see.. such as depression, fibromyalgia, and migraines which is what the author of this book deals with. It helps children understand what it’s like to deal with chronic pain and invisible illnesses.

The Pink Hat – This book shows how the journey of a pink hat finds its way to a young girl marching for women’s equality.

Bad Kitty – This book series is of the adventures of Bad Kitty. These books have gotten my very reluctant reader to actually read so I give these books a big thumbs up.

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid – This is another series that my reluctant reader has found and enjoys. In The Getaway, Greg and his family go on vacation and it ends up being not what they expected.

The Lying Game – Four girls who were best friends in boarding school have been hidding a terrible secret. One of them calls for the help of her other friends by telling each one “I need you”. They come to find out that secrets aren’t buried forever.

Troublemaker – Leah Remini doesn’t hold back on her life and being a former member of Scientology.

All Is Not Forgotten – A woman has a horrific even take place and a controversial drug is used to erase that part of her memory. But, does the truth ever go away?

In The Pleasure Groove – Duran Duran was one of my biggest childhood music loves ever. In this book, bass player, John Taylor, give insight into his life as the hottest member, in my opinion, of the band. Hello, Mr. Hottie John Taylor.

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I Don’t Know How Jake Tapper Doesn’t Rage Against These Dumbfucks

As much as I try not to watch the news, Jake Tapper from CNN calls to me from time to time. I know his urge to rage against some of his guests must be strong… Rage Against The Machine, Jake… but he holds it together much better than I ever would expect.

Take for example his guest Ted Crockett.

Poor, stupid, dumbfuck Ted. This guy doesn’t have a fucking clue.

Mr. Ted Crockett made me want to throw heavy objects at my television screen when I saw this.

The ignorance and stupidity is mind blowing.

For one, he’s defending Roy Moore, who thankfully was the loser for the Alabama Senate seat and a sexual predator. A disgusting fucker who people actually defended because he’s such a “Christian” man.

Yep, sure. He’s such a religious man that he likes to pick up children and young girls. Because that’s in the bible under thou shall be a pervert to young children.

This whole thing was so fucking disgusting.

Yes, I’m so fucking angry by these so called evangelical “Christians” and their hatred for people of different backgrounds and religions.

I know not every christian is like this but it’s people like simple Ted Crockett that makes me rage.

But, my news crush, Jake Tapper, puts this dumbass in his place.

The slow blink from this guy at around the 3:03 mark is priceless.

Thank you, Jake Tapper.

Thank you!

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