WTFuckbook?

I’ve written before about how much I can’t stand Facebook but I just can’t quit it. I can’t quit you, Facebook! You bastard!

I certainly had plenty of moments of over sharing on it and there’s really no point in this sentence since I forgot where I was going with it so let’s move on, shall we?

A few posts ago, I mentioned a married family member who needs to eat a sandwich and quit fucking other people. She’s been jumping on other dick faster than I go through a box of tissues during allergy season which is all year for me so boo for that. Not her dick jumping. My allergies. Actually, boo to both.

I’m on Benadryl so I’m not making any sense.

Anyway,

This family member went back to her husband and now they’re constantly posting gag-worthy FB status updates. She’s been cheating on him throughout the marriage and even admitted she has no reason at all to stay married because she knows she’ll continue to cheat.

They are always tagging each other if they put up a puke song about their love or anything from pics of them together to rants about how the husband isn’t putting up with anyone messing with his woman or driving a wedge between him and her.

Bless his little heart. If he only knew that the “wedge” he’s talking about is the men Mrs. Dickjumper jumps on.

These FB updates can be creepy as fuck but for some reason people are eating it up. One post that made me think WTFuckbook? was when he took a photo of how he spelled out “I Love You” on their bed that just a few weeks before was where he caught her in there with another man.

May I just add that “I Love You” was spelled out in bullets.

Um.

Hmmm.

I love You spelled out in bullets on the bed?

Is this a thing I didn’t know about? People loved that post and had comments like “how sweet” or “nothing says I love you like bullets”. Granted, they live in the South and are gun enthusiasts but…

He spelled I Love You IN BULLETS. This is like being in the middle of a creepy as fuck Lifetime movie. This isn’t normal in the world I live in. If I came home to that, I wouldn’t stop to take photos. I’d run out the damn door.

He also made a big heart on a wall with post-its.

The dude would be screwed if he fucked with my post-its. That’s definitely where I draw the line. I’m OCD about having post-it notes around the house in case I need to write something down. If my man used up my post-its, I would freak and make him put the post-its back together.

Then, I would post a picture of it on Facebook. #blessed

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I’ll Just Pretend We Don’t Have A Government Right Now

Dear fellow earthlings,

Please help us here in America. I’ve had to ban myself from watching any news because I have been having such high anxiety. It feels like the world is going to end.

I feel like I’m a passenger on the Speed bus from hell except Keanu Reeves isn’t here to save the day. Every fucking hour, some crazy shit seems to go down in the political world and even though I’ve banned myself from the news, I still see it on the celebrity gossip sites.

All I’m asking for is some juicy gossip to take away from this shitstorm happening to this country.

Here’s a summary of the last seven months. All aboard the Speed bus!

Sean Spicer says the numbers for the inauguration was the biggest that was ever seen, period.

*grabs on to the sides of my seat of the Speed bus*

White supremacists are in the White House.

Muslim ban.

Um. Um. Holy fuck. *grabs a hold of my seat even tighter*

The Cheeto-In Chief tweets delusional, crazy shit.

Dennis Hopper was more likeable as the villian in Speed. *has panic attack because this fucker is going to get us killed in 140 characters or less*

Comey is fired.

SANDRA? KEANU? Anyone? Who’s driving this damn bus? Where’s the adult here? *braces self against my bus seat on the Speed bus to hell because it’s going to be one hell of a ride*

Tweet, tweet. FAKE NEWS! FAILING NEW YORK TIMES! FAKE NEWS!

What. The. Actual. Fuck? This is what journalists do. People won’t believe this delusional twat bag.

So, yeah. I was wrong about that. People are actually that stupid. *puts head down while sitting on the Speed bus to hell and takes deep breaths while preparing for impact*

Spicer is out. Sarah Fuckabee Sanders “I talk like I’m eating my face” is in.

And, surprise. Someone even thuggier than Tony Soprano; the Scary Mooch is in.

What. The Actual. Fuckity. Fuck?

Scarramouche, Scarramouche, will you do the fandango?

Boy Scout Jamboree.

Oh my fucking god. This is way too Hitler-esque.

*braces self on the Speed bus to hell because there’s a gap in the freeway and we’re all gonna die”

And, Scary mooch’s greasy, slimeball, thug ass is out of there after ten days.

Ha!

We make it across the gap in the freeway and things seem to calm down. There will be someone to do the adulting after all.

But, Cheeto-In-Chief tweets more of his insanity.

*Keanu enters. “There’s a bomb on the bus and it’s orange. It will blow at any time”.*

Seriously, where’s the fucking adult?!

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Where The Fuck Is The Eagle?

We recently went on our yearly camping trip which was much needed and my husband and I just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary. That seems so crazy. Where did the time go?

My camping style is renting a cabin with electricity and running water and roughing it for me is if I forget to bring my flat iron.

It was especially great this time around since I had my mom as an ally. Someone to hang out and eat chips and dip, plus watch Unreal, while the husband and hummingbird were out swimming all day.

I actually kayaked with my husband for the first time in ages. The last time we did that, it was early in our marriage and he had this sucky inflatable kayak that would just paddle around in circles. I found it hysterical.

While we were at the lake, we took a boat ride around the area with a guide.

I’ll say it right now, I suck at being a tourist because I don’t like guided tours for some reason. It can be fine in some cases but usually, to be honest, I just don’t care and would rather explore on my own.

So, we take this boat tour and this very nice woman points out the trees, cabins, private islands, eagles, beaver dams, etc. It was nice but for the most part, I just wanted to be back in the cabin, eating chips and dip with my mom. I am not an outdoor person by any means.

My mom and I get back to the cabin and start rehashing the hour long tour we had. We both confessed we didn’t know most of what the tour guide was pointing out to the group.

Tour Guide: The older cabins on the shoreline with their own piers were built in the 60’s. I will now tell you the entire history about this.

In My Head: What did she say about the 60’s? They did what? Should I say something to make it seem like I know what she’s saying?

I shake my head and say “Oh, hmmm.”

Tour Guide: This lake goes into so and so river to the left. You can see it in the clearing by the trees.

In My Head: I see lots of trees but I have no idea what she’s seeing that I’m not. I hope there’s not a quiz.

I shake my head and say, “Really, hmmm.”

Tour Guide: Straight ahead you can see a few beaver dams. See the sticks? Let me pull in a little closer. Now, the dams are more East of us.

In My Head: East? Which fucking way is East? I don’t see any damn dam sticks. Which way is fucking East?

I shake my head and say ” Awww, very nice.”

Tour Guide: On the private island to the right lives the so and so family. You can see so and so’s boat on the shore.

In My Head: Okay, cool. At least this time she said right instead of a direction but I can’t see a boat anywhere and there’s two small islands to the right of us. Scan… scan. Where’s the fucking boat and how long is this damn boat ride?

I shake my head and say “Nice.”

Tour Guide: In the trees ahead is a black mass in the middle where the eagle’s nest is. And, on top of the branch is the baby eagle who’s not such a baby anymore.

Passenger #5: That’s quite a big baby eagle. *Gets camera out*

In My Head: Scanning…. scanning…. scanning. What black fucking mass? Why the hell am I not seeing any of this shit? I don’t see anything resembling a nest. Scanning… scanning. And, where the fuck is the eagle? Where is the eagle? Okay. Now, my husband is also taking pictures of this eagle that I can’t see. Eagle? Where the fuck are you? I’m not seeing any of this stuff that’s being pointed out. Is everyone else just saying they see it, too? Where the fuck is this baby eagle?

I shake my head and say “Hmmm, wow. “

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Adventures In Driving

My mom is staying with us for the summer and it’s the best thing ever. There’s a chance my in-laws might also visit during the summer and it will be so nice to have an ally around for that visit.

There are tourists flocking to our area and it has made driving more frustrating than usual. The road that’s the cross street by our house is so congested as it is but during the summer, holy hell. And, I hate driving anyways. It’s always made me so tense and stressed.

My mom and I were coming back from the store because oh my fucking god, no matter how much I plan, I go to the store at least three times a week for shit I forgot, even though I always… well I mostly have a list.

Anyway, there was an older woman ahead of us doing at least five under the speed limit.

A mild annoyance but oh, well.

Then, this woman started to put on her brakes.

Okay.

A normal thing to do.

But, she then came to a complete fucking stop on the two lane road.

What the fucking fuck?

I looked at my mom and said am I just crazy or is this woman turning really fucking slow?

She’s turning really fucking slow, my mom replied.

This woman came to a complete stop on our two lane road that goes by our house and she just fucking stops.

Who dropped the acid in my water?

What the hell, lady?

Can you turn any slower?

Yes. Yes, she can.

And with that, she made the slowest left hand turn in the entire history of left hand turns.

When she was finally far enough out of my way, I hit the gas and looked back in my rearview mirror.

And what did I see?

This lady was still in the process of completing her turn into the golf course entrance.

I just don’t get the way people drive anymore. Common courtesy has blown to the winds. People drive like they’re the only people on the road.

Yes, I’m bitching about drivers because I’m officially old. Next week I’ll have a post entirely centered around the price that things where when I was a kid.

Okay, no, I won’t.

Or will I?

Hmmmm.

What’s your driving pet peeve or an annoyance you’ve had lately with driving?

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Eat A Sandwich And Quit Fucking Other People

I’m alive. It’s been quite awhile. My depression has been brutal but I’m finally climbing out of that black hole.

First thing.

Chris Cornell.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

It’s been a hard one to take. My husband never understands my sadness and feeling of loss when a celebrity who I’ve been following for years dies. I try to get him to understand that these people have contributed something to my life that made it better and that’s why it feels like I lost a friend or family member in some way.

I just can’t believe he’s gone.

~~~~~

Everything going on in America and the world has me on the fucking edge every day. I’m just completely mindfucked by all this hatred that seems to be showing up more often.

~~~~~

We adopted an 8 month-old chihuahua from the humane society last month. Little Luna is such a sweetie but was rescued from a puppy mill and she freaks the fuck out with other people and dogs. We’re definitely going to get a trainer to help us with that. She’ll be totally fine and chill but then she’ll see something outside or the doorbell will ring and she goes nuts. Luna Belle is a work in progress but so adorable and really smart.

The husband is still not sure what to think and one of our cat’s pissed on my husband when we were trying to introduce them so needless to say, it’s been slow going with Penny and she has been staying in the basement for the most part. Luna is so lovable once she warms up to people. It’s just getting that training in that I hope helps her.

~~~~~

The hummingbird had her last day of second grade today. They had a lot of snow days to make up. She turned 8 a few months ago and I still can’t believe it.

~~~~~

A family member has been going dick wild. She recently separated with her husband and I come to find out she’s been fucking some loser a week before she left her husband. Okay, this is where it gets so confusing. I also come to find out that she’s been fucking her estranged husband’s former brother-in-law and the current partner of this family member’s estranged husband’s ex wife for the last three months. Got that? Because I’m still so fucking confused.

I think she may have gone a little nutty because months ago she started taking diet pills that her doctor prescribed which is essentially speed. Now, she seems to have gained back some confidence with her weight loss. To that, I told my mom this family member needs to eat a sandwich and quit fucking other people. This whole thing has caused a big rumble in the small town she lives in and has been giving the family several what the fucks?!!

~~~~

I’ve had to make myself stop watching the news since it sends me into a panic so I’ve been getting my news by watching Trevor Noah on The Daily Show. It makes the news easier to bear with the damn fine Trevor Noah.

 

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Gym Membership

I’m going to take classes and get my ass in better shape. I’ll go to the gym at least five times a week. It’ll be hard to squeeze that many days in but I can do this. I will do this! Oh, look. There’s a kickboxing class on Friday. But the only class is at 5:15 am. Fuck that! But, I joined the gym to get in better shape. I have to do this. I want to do this. Even if I know I’m not a morning person at all.

I just need to go to bed early tonight. And I’ll try to get my 7 year-old in bed a little earlier than usual.

I can do this early class but I don’t know why any human would want to up that early to sweat their ass off at 5:15 am. There must be some people out there.

Or, maybe it’s a conspiracy by gyms across the world. Hmmm. They get me to think that they have classes so early because there’s apparently the need for it for it with other people. And, then the gym virus spreads with everyone thinking people are taking a kickboxing class at 5:15 in the morning so you’d be crazy not to but you really are because it’s at 5 fucking 15 in the morning.

Later that night I start thinking that class I signed up for at 5:15 am… what the fuck was I thinking??

But, I can do it. I can do this, damn it!

I’ll go to bed early so I can read for an hour. However, my kid decides to get up to use the bathroom 5 times before she finally goes to sleep and has to say good night each time.

That’s okay. I’ll just go to sleep now so I can get to that early ass class tomorrow morning.

Shit!

I can’t sleep. Maybe I’ll try and read a little more.

Um.. what the fuck happened? How did it become 1 in the morning already. Damn you books and all your damn words. And, fuck you 5:15 am kickboxing class.

I must have been sniffing some pretty strong fumes to think this exercise class was ever a good idea.

I can still do this, though. If I go to sleep now, I’ll get 3 and a half hours of sleep. Oh my god. Just kill me know. Only 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I’m not 20 anymore. This will kill me.

But I’m paying so much a month for this damn gym to take the classes and I’ve got to do this.

I will do this!

I can do this!

4:45 am. 15 degrees outside.

Fuck this. I’m going back to sleep.

But, but….

I will do this.

Uh huh.

Yep.

I will make that 5:15 am class.

No.

No, I won’t

And, I’ll let them continue taking money from my bank account every month since some day, I will do this!

Nope. Nope, I won’t.

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Caulk Block

I look forward to when my husband pulls out his big caulking gun and a tube of caulk sealant. That means my inner 12 year-old boy comes out so it can take advantage of all the cock talk I can come up with. There’s always that time of year I dread. Ant season. Those little assholes come onto our kitchen counter and I just want to set fire to the house after so many days because they drive me crazy.

Enter caulk.

Husband: The ant bait seems to be working but I’m going to get my big caulk out and see if that helps.

Me: So, you’re going to caulk block them then?

Husband: Yeah, with lots of caulk.

He’s currently trying to get the master bathroom shower all caulked up. He’s been drying the shower with a fan since last night before he caulks it up and it’s driving me crazy because the fan cord is plugged in right in front of the toilet so whenever I’ve gone to the bathroom since yesterday, I have to be careful to avoid the tripwire that is the fan cord while making my way to the toilet so last night while getting up, I didn’t want to turn the light on so I just took these giant steps while hoping I wouldn’t trip over the cord from the fan and kill myself in the middle of the night. All this so my husband can get his caulk on in the shower.

The time finally came for my husband to rock out with his caulk out.

Husband: I get to go use my caulk in the shower.

Me: Have fun. Try not to be too messy.

A few minutes later…

Husband: My white caulk is too white. I need a nude caulk.

Me: Okay.

Husband: I’ll be at Home Depot looking at the different caulk. I’ll get the hardest caulk they have.

Me: Don’t get too big of a caulk though. We want it to fit what you’re caulking.

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