Being Two: Like A Puppy Who Had A Six Pack Of Red Bull

being-two

If humans ate their young, this would be the age that we’d do it. At this age, they’re fine one second and screaming on the floor the next second because you cut their fruit up the “wrong” way. This is the toddler pms stage and I barely survived. I was also in a deep depression so that made it even worse.

It sucks ass. But when you’re about to run from the house with plans to move to the Bahamas, they do something really cute and then I would feel like such an asshole. I’m certain that kids have some kind of radar for this and it alerts them to enter the cute mode.

They also love saying “NO” at this age all the fucking time. Everything is no with them. For instance, you know they’re tired and need a nap but those little monsters will say no and refuse. Since tying them to a bed is forbidden, you end up with a very cranky, toddler pms’ing 2 year-old on your hands.

On top of that, “the witching hour” comes and that’s when you feel like sprinting out of the house again. No matter how much you prepare for it and try to avoid it, there was always those 2 hours, between 3-5pm, when the hummingbird acted like a lunatic.

I would bribe and beg and bribe some more but nothing ever works with the witching hour.

Finally, my husband would come home from work and I’d hand him our daughter and take off running upstairs. Later on that night, I would tell him what a hell of a day I had and he’d make some remark that she seemed fine when he got home. And then, I smothered him with a pillow.

Kidding. Maybe. Of course.

*Use Somebody

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Quinoa

I finally tried quinoa and thought of this haiku…

Quinoa is so gross

A consistency of a bird

Who threw up bird seed

*Miss Jackson

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Meet My Kid, Bean And Cheese Burrito With Sour Cream

pregnancy-cravings

Mine would be:

Bean And Cheese Burrito With Sour Cream, DON’T FORGET THE SOUR CREAM Davis.

Orange Juice Davis

Don’t Fuck With My Apple Juice Davis

and

Grilled Cheese Davis

What are yours?

*Not Ready To Make Nice

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Vegetarian Tortilla Soup

Photo Credit: Cookie and Kate

Photo Credit: Cookie and Kate

I know so many people live by their crock pot/slow cooker but I’ve never been one of those people. I’ve tried a few recipes and I’m usually less than impressed. Then, the bird started doing Karate twice a week and I turned to my crock pot when I came across this vegetarian tortilla soup. I usually make it at least once a week. It’s really tasty and hits the spot.

I separate some things so it’s kid friendly for the hummingbird. She loves it with just the veggie broth, black beans, and corn. I love it since there’s always leftovers for Girl Scout troop meeting nights. Yes, I’ve become a taxi driver during the week with all of these extracurricular activities my daughter does.

This can easily be made without a crock pot. Just heat until hot and flavors are combined.

Enjoy!

Ingredients:

2- 10 ounce cans Rotel diced tomatoes with cilantro and lime

1 12 ounce bag frozen corn or canned whole kernel corn

2- 32 ounce containers Vegetable broth

2- 15 ounce cans black beans, drained and rinsed

Seasoning mix:

2 tablespoons ground cumin

2 teaspoons smoke paprika

2 teaspoons chili powder

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon onion powder

1 teaspoon coriander

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

Garnishes:

Tortilla chips

Sour cream

Cilantro

Cheese

Avocado

Frank’s hot sauce

Fresh lime juice

Directions:

  1. In a small bowl, stir together the seasoning mix.
  2. Add the Rotel, frozen corn, vegetable broth, black beans, and seasoning mix to crock pot.
  3. Cook on high for 4 hours or low for 8 hours.
  4.  Serve and add desired garnishes.

Do you have any tried and true slow cooker recipes?

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Being One: Drunk Baby Stage

The hummingbird is nearly seven. 7 YEARS-OLD!! So, I’ve been reminiscing on the years that seem to have gone by way too fast. That used to drive me crazy, when I would hear it goes by so fast. This was before babies though.

It would always be “take in everything, it goes by so fast” you won’t believe how fast it goes” “blink and you’ll miss it because they grow so fast”. But like everyone, I thought I will pay attention to everything my kid does so I don’t miss anything and time will slow to a crawl once I was a mom.

And now, my daughter is almost 7 years-old! Seven!! What the hell?

At the time that she was one, I didn’t realize how bad I had postpartum depression and anxiety. I look back now and want to hug that person. Despite not only having a really rough timeadjusting to being a mom but also embracing it, having a 1 year-old was pretty damn awesome. It’s the drunk baby stage. What’s not to love?

Having a one year old is like dealing with that drunk, unruly friend you used to have/currently have. They’re learning how to walk so they have that nice, little zig zag walking going on. I love the drunk baby walk.

They love doing sloppy things. Sloppy kisses, snotty noses, those lovely tantrums where they can go from happy as can be to pissed off toddler in 1.2 seconds.

They eat like they just came home from a drunk bender, stuff all over the floor, clothes, walls, up their nose. Everywhere.

Being one is filled with temperamental, sloppy, slobbery, drunk walking, I want to pull my hair out adventures.

What did you think when your baby was one? Did you love it? Want to run away from home?

*No One Knows

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Yes, I Will Pick Your Nose And Other Gross Stuff Parents Do

I have a very weak stomach. Very weak. My 6 year-old was recently telling me about a girl who threw up in her class that day and she got into details. I was starting to gag and dry heave while begging her to stop. But then I started thinking of all the gross crap I’ve done as a parent that I’ve done so often, I don’t even flinch anymore.

5. I never would have thought I’d do this before I became a mom but picking my kid’s nose doesn’t phase me. In the last few years, she’s capable of blowing her nose but I remember times she would have a snotty nose and I would just dig right in without a tissue.

4. Getting baby shit on your face is something I thought was only in sitcoms but it does happen. The first time, I gagged and wiped it off immediately. The other times because apparently I really suck at changing diapers, I didn’t give a shit about shit.

3. There’s nothing more glorious than holding your baby and having them puke down your back. It’s not until later that day you realize where that nasty smell is coming from.

2. Diaper blowout that go up the back. How does this happens? I’m amazed that something so small can shoot shit from their but all the way up to their back.

1. I can’t even clean up the hairballs from my two cats but don’t give it a second thought when catching my child’s vomit in my hands.

What’s the grossest thing you’ve had to do as a parent?

*Unwritten

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I Feel Like Mr. Hand In Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Everyone Must Be Stoned.

Except if you were stoned, you wouldn’t be making such dumb decisions. Well, except for in the food category but those were some pretty yummy dumb decisions.

Does anyone else feel like they’re being Punk’d with this whole Trump business. Is he really winning the votes? Who would want to vote for him? Did I slip into a Twilight Zone episode and got stuck in an alternate universe? Why is he so orange? Does he dive into a bag of Cheetos’ to get that color? Is everyone in on this joke but me?

Seriously? Donald Trump. It just doesn’t compute. I’ve said it before but it’s like we’re in the movie Idiocracy. If you haven’t ever seen it, you will be terrified of the similarities.

And TLC… really? You pieces of shit brought back the Duggar girls. What a bunch of assholes all around. I still see defenders out there for them and my mind is baffled.

I guess the hypocritical defenders of the Duggars are the same people voting for Trump.

I really, really hope I’m being Punk’d.

*Glitter In The Air

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