I Am THAT Kind Of Mother After All

While we were packing up last year for the move into our new house, I found something very interesting that highlighted just how anal retentive detailed I can be, especially when it comes to my child. It was a three page instruction manual for the babysitter we had in California when my daughter was three-years-old. I wanted to die of embarrassment after reading it.

It was very, how would I say it? Hmmm. “Specific” would be a nice way to put it but I’ll go with a bitchy control freak with a generous helping of mad crazy.

Just the first page alone is a listing of meal and snack times and the specific foods that should be eaten at these times as well as in what way the food needs to be prepared and cut up.

Grapes need to be cut in half and banana slices cut in fourths because if they’re not, holy shit, there will be hell to pay, apparently.

This shit comes off more as a threat to the babysitter. Poor lady.

On the second page, half of it details what we do to fill the days i.e. trips to the park, different parks, play with her riding fire truck, etc.

Oh my god. I put in very, very specific terms of the activities that my 3 year-old could do during the day, specifying what options she had to choose from.

Talk about me being the helicopter mom from hell.

The second half on the second page details her favorite television shows, The Wiggles, Elmo, Caillou – that little fucker-, Max And Ruby, and what channels they’re on, plus, what time they come on. I put that in there in case of emergencies.

My biggest worry was that after my husband and I would leave our daughter, she was screaming and crying for us and in a tizzy.

In reality, the hummingbird was probably saying “Bye, bitches! No hurry!”

The third page of this absolutely ridiculous and comical instructional for the babysitter are several different sample schedules of play time, nap time, park time, when to change her diaper, what to do if she gets fussy, what if she doesn’t take a nap and on and on.

Oh my fucking god.

I was that crazy, overbearing, control freak of a mother.

I would like to think that I have improved over the years but I still want to know absolutely everything, even if she’s just going to our next door neighbor’s house, which she’s been to hundreds of times.

My mom was like that when I was younger and it embarrassed me so much. Especially when she would ask to speak to my friend’s mom or dad.

I swore I would never be like that.

Well played karma. Well played.

I’d like to think I don’t have this huge stick up my ass and should just chill out from being such a panicked parent but that sucker is in there tight.

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Pot Chocolate

*I wrote most of this while we were still living in California four years ago and I kept on going back and forth about whether or not I should publish it. Maine is a place where you can also get medical marijuana. I’ve been having a terrible time with PTSD after losing Ben in 2013 and decided to get my medicinal card again last year because my prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication wasn’t working that well for me.

I’ve had chronic pain for so long from a few different ailments I have, including fibromyalgia. Over the years, I’ve never found much sympathy from doctors. I also have anxiety, depression, and panic attacks (I’m such a ball of fun) that has been kicking my ass for a while. I would occasionally try different medications but nothing would work or if the medication did, I would have side effects along with it.

Since I’ve been miserable for years, my husband suggested something to me that really took me by surprise. It shocked the hell out of me when he suggested trying medical marijuana.

I have always been one who never understood why alcohol, that can cause so much harm i.e, alcoholism, drunk driving, violence, etc, is legal but when it comes to pot, the worst that can happen is downing a bag of cheetos and watching Titanic for the 500th time. That last sentence is served with a small side of sarcasm. I know pot has its own demons. I just can’t think of any right now.

Obviously, you have to be a dumbfuck if you use either one and then drive. It’s only for use when I’m in for the night and after my daughter has gone to bed. Just had to throw that in.

I had smoked marijuana when I was younger but now here I am, older, a wife, and mom, so at first I thought there was absolutely no way. I also was really surprised that my husband even suggested it in the first place because he’s very, VERY straight-laced.

Not long after, I had an awful pain flare up and knew something had to be done with this pain I’m in most of the time. Since I live in a state where medical marijuana is legal, I made an appointment to see a doctor about getting a medicinal marijuana card when I was still living in California.

After I got my card, I had to do the deed. Get the courage to go to a medicinal marijuana depository. I had absolutely no idea what to expect. The night before I went, I kept thinking what it would be like to go to one of these places.

The next day when I walked into the depository, my mouth dropped. The place was spotless, the “flowers” were in glass containers, while the edibles where in glass cases.

The first thing they did was go through my paperwork I received from the doctor and then they put me in their computer. During this time, I was still feeling like I was doing something atrocious.

As I was standing there, surrounded by pot, I started panicking some, with the feeling like I was going to get busted for being in a place like this.

Then I was greeted by a woman who immediately put me at ease. There were so many different types of things I could get. Suckers, cookies, gum, ice cream, pretzels, etc.

Because of my chronic pain, I was recommended a tincture. It has more cannabinoids that combats pain and has less THC which is what gives you that “high” feeling.

While I was there, I discovered something that has become my favorite. Pot chocolate bars. They look just like regular chocolate bars which brings me to this.

Having a kid in the house with something like this made me really think about the safest place to keep it and it is way out of her reach. Hell, I even have trouble reaching my edibles off of the closet shelf.

I had such guilt at first that I have a child and here I was, eating some of a cookie or chocolate bar with something herbal. I haven’t told very many of my friends yet because I feel like I would be ostracized. Now they know. *waves*

I have to tell you, in the past few months, I have been feeling better. I’m actually able to get off my ass sometimes and exercise and I can take my child to the playground or go get our nails done with relative ease, less pain, and not as much panic. It’s been such a great experience to feel like I now have more freedom because of the reduction of the pain I have.

I didn’t write this with the intention of stirring up the pot, pun intended. I just wanted to share my story and let you know I’m a regular mom who has a beautiful family, chronic pain, and PTSD, among other things and now I have pot chocolate and CBD’s to alleviate my pain and anxiety so I can be more productive in my everyday life.

The pain I have is still there and the scars I have from losing my son will take time to heal as much as they can but my mental health and physical pain is more manageable with medicinal marijuana. I’m starting to live a life with less discomfort from my chronic pain and panic.

Out of all the things I’ve tried for many years, since my early 20’s, medical marijuana has been the closest to helping me live my life in the best and most normal way possible.

The stigma over marijuana needs to stop and I hope that it will someday be seen as a much more beneficial way of treating many ailments that people have, instead of being seen as this imaginary evil that people may make of it.

I believe if we all shared a joint and a bag of Funyuns, it could help us get closer to world peace.

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Stoned

This is long, boring, and unneccessary but I wanted to put the frustrations I’ve been having into words. I mentioned before how I’ve been going through medical issues for the past year and a half and I was going to leave it at that. But, I bitch and whine to my husband about it so much, I thought writing about it would help. I swear, I get the weirdest fucking medical problems. I’ve had an issue of getting salivary stones for years.

I never even knew something like this existed and for seven years, I would get this horrible pain on the right side of my neck when I ate or drank anything. I could feel the submandibular salivary gland get hard as a rock and cause so much pain and itchiness from below my chin, up into my right ear.

It may not seem like a big issue but I couldn’t even take a sip of water without the salivary gland flaring up.

When we moved to Seattle, I was finally able to see civillian doctors instead of military ones and the ENT there diagnosed me. I had surgery to take out the stone within the week. My one request was if she was able to save the stone, I would love to see what was making my life hell for seven years. She was more than happy to oblige and I still have that damn stone in a box somewhere.

After that, I would get frequent infections and flare ups in that gland. I had the option years ago to have that gland taken out but I was really hesitant. To be honest, it was because of the horrible experiences I’ve had with military doctors over the years and the incompetence so, there was no way I wanted one of those doctor’s to cut me open.

Things seemed to simmer down until last August when I had this horrible pain in the gland and it got so bad, I could barely move my tongue. Luckily for my husband, I wasn’t able to talk much for a few days until the antibiotics kicked in and I got some relief.

It cleared up, or so I thought, and then boom, it came back a few weeks later. I was referred to an ENT and he was pretty quick to say the gland really needs to come out. The hesitation came back about having this surgery, especially since I had three others within months of this one.

But, I decided to finally get it over and done with once and for all. The doctor didn’t feel the need to do a CT scan which still pisses me off because he didn’t think I had any stones in there and it was just the salivary gland that was infected. I had the surgery and I thought I was fucking done with all of the medical shit I had been dealing with.

Just when I had celebrated being done with this bullshit forever, the symptoms came back. The itchiness, the pain, and additionally, something that felt like a hot fire poker on the floor of my mouth. This time, a CT scan was done and yes, I was stoned from another stone. The ENT also noticed that a fucking hole was what had developed in the floor of my mouth as a way for my body to try and expel the stone that had been in there for who knows how long.

I know. It’s really fucking gross.

I had surgery for that five months ago and again, thought I was done. done. done.

Nope. Not even close.

I come to find out that the duct to the submandibular salivary gland was still in there because there’s a nerve to the tongue that wraps around the duct and it can be tricky to take out. It can cause permanent paralysis on the right side of the tongue.

Oh joy.

I could also tell at this point that the ENT didn’t know what the fuck to do with me. So, he put me on antibiotics.

The infection went away.

Then it came back and he put me on antibiotics again.

Basically, my whole summer was spent dealing with these gross infections and taking an overload of antibiotics which I absolutely hate. I not only worry about antibiotic resistance but also, if feels like my stomach is being shredded. I’ve been on half a dozen different kinds of antibiotics and also found out by way of another CT scan I had in August is that there are now smaller stones in my sublingual salivary gland.

Fucking fuck.

I was frustrated, my doctor was frustrated, and I was pissed off. I don’t feel like my normal self at all. My body is tired of fighting these infections. My ENT finally waved the white flag and referred me to a doctor in Boston.

I saw him last week and he hasn’t seen my scan results yet but felt at least two stones in the floor of my mouth.

His plan is to take out that fucking duct that’s probably causing these stones, and taking out however many stones are actually in there… besides the two he felt.

It looks like the surgery will take place in the next few months.

So, that’s where I’m at now…. hurry up and wait. That’s what it feels like. This new ENT doctor wants to act fast but there’s that waiting game of making sure this is the best plan of action.

This whole thing has my anxiety so out of whack. I just hope that soon I’ll be feeling healthier again.

Hopefully, more like myself than I’ve felt in the last 18 months.

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Just Give Me A Damn Snickers Bar And A Heating Pad

I’ve been feeling blah for the past few days so I’ve been reading a lot of magazines in bed. I’ve been seeing ads that say shit like “Have a happy period.”

What the fuck is that about?

Maybe it’s because I have fibroids and have really, REALLY heavy periods but I’m in hell for a good four days.

Have a happy period?!

Yeah, the only way I’ll have a happy period is if you prop me up on the couch with a straw in a vodka bottle and a pallet of chocolate.

When I have my period, I want to yell at everyone within hearing range to know how much they annoy me just by their existence because my crampy ass has to make a run to the store for more tampons and that chocolate cupcake I saw in the bakery section that I should have gotten when I went to the store the day before for more over the counter pain medicine.

Then, I’ll want to eat everything in sight and say fuck it, go to 5 Guys for a cheeseburger, and moan like a monkey in heat when eating their Cajun seasoned french fries.

Have a happy period, you say?!

Tell that to my piercing back cramps and lack of energy.

I love the ad for tampons where a woman is going down the water slide and they say something like, “Don’t let your period slow you down.”

When I see that commercial, it should go something like this, instead:

The camera pans to the woman in a bikini because nope, she’s not bloated from her fucking period. She has a full box of happy period tampons in a beach bag and they show her walking out of the restroom in the second shot.

The woman goes over to the wave pool and dips her toes in the water. She laughs maniacally because hey, she’s having a happy period! Woo-hoo for happy periods. And these happy period tampons have a morphine drip included in the box.

She slowly walks into the wave pool and when the water hits waist height, you hear this noise of water going down the drain and making a slurping noise.

The camera shows this guilty look on her face and she shrugs her shoulders. “Oops, did I do that?”

Her happy period tampons are so super absorbent, one tampon sucked up a whole wave pool.

Those are tampons I would buy.

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Bad Seeds

I bought a different brand of clementines recently, since they didn’t have halos and cuties. I have found through my 8 year-old that they are not the same. I repeat, they are not the same. Run for cover. The clementines I bought have seeds. Oh my god, the horror!

When I was a kid, I thought I had it tough because I had to watch commercials and sit for long periods of time to record a song on the radio that the dj would be talking through.

I had to work my ass off when making mixed tapes. It took time and dedication. To top it off, that mixed tape I would work so hard on would get stuck in the player and the tape would come out.

Sometimes it was salvageable just by sticking a pencil in one of the holes of the cassette tape and rewinding it.

So, no, I didn’t have to walk 10 miles to school with a broken leg when I was younger but damn it, if I wanted to know who played that actress in the movie with that other actress, I couldn’t just Google or look on imdb. I had to suffer through not knowing until 20 years later.

That’s hardship, ya’ll.

I was giving my daughter a snack and while she was fast forwarding through the commercials of the show she was watching on the DVR, she sighed.

“Ugh. These aren’t halos. They have seeds. I don’t like these kind.”

“Oh, cry me a damn river.”

Okay, I didn’t say it but that’s certainly what I was thinking.

Instead, I was able to use my “when I was younger” lines.

When I was younger, we had to watch commercials.

When I was younger, we used a thing called a landline.

When I was younger, people thought and still think mullets are a smart life choice.

When I was younger, I had to eat whatever my mom cooked.

When I was younger, my family couldn’t afford the kinds of food we eat now.

When I was younger, my family could only afford to go clothes shopping once a year.

Before I could drive my daughter crazier, she stopped me and said “Okay, the seeds aren’t that bad.”

She ate the clementine with those icky, bad, and horrendous seeds that were causing her to have a bad clementine experience without any more complaints.

Mission Accomplished!

Now, does anyone have a pencil I can borrow?

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Randy Rainbow

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Book And Movie Suggestions

Behind Closed Doors – This book terrified me. I didn’t realize how scary, sick, and twisted it was until I was up late reading and scootched closer to my husband while lying in bed. When that wasn’t enough, I had to turn on the table lamp because the story was creeping me out.

A husband and wife seem to have the perfect life but things aren’t always how they appear to be.

The Lying Game – Four best friends and former classmates come together after one of them sends a message that she needs them. It seems as though someone from their past knows a secret they’ve been keeping.

Into The Darkest Corner – I wasn’t expecting much from this book but was totally wrong. A woman suffered a traumatic experience and the story goes between the past and present.

~~~~~

Nightcrawler – Holy Fuck, this movie is really intense and so good. Jake Gyllllenhaaaaaaallllll, I can never spell his name right, is creepy as fuck and so good in this film. His character goes around filming accidents and crime scenes, then he sells the video to a television news station. It also has the amazing Rene Russo.

Get Out – This movie is fucked up. I’m still trying to digest it and I saw it awhile ago.

Christine – I have fallen in love with actress, Rebecca Hall, after seeing this. This is definitely not a happy happy joy joy movie. Newswoman, Christine, committed suicide live on air in the 70’s. The film is pretty dark but really captivated me.

The Gift – Another great film with Rebecca Hall and Jason Bateman. A couple starts receiving unwanted gifts from the husband’s former high school classmate. The ending is still making me pee myself. I’ve seen the movie twice more because of how good it is.

I’d love to hear what your movie and book suggestions are.

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