Silence.

The other day I was wondering what you were doing but then I remembered you were gone. I can’t believe it’s been seven years since you left us so early. Even though we didn’t always get along, I loved you like a sister.

It’s not surprising, we had known each other since preschool. Our moms were great friends. We would spend Christmas Eve at your house and get a personal appearance from Santa Claus.

I even remember being at your house when they debuted Michael Jackson’s video, Thriller. Your mom was peeking through her fingers the entire time. As you got older, you grew your hair long. It was the most beautiful brown hair I have seen.

You were at my wedding but I was so overwhelmed with people that I never got a chance to say hello. I’ve seen my wedding video and watched as you stood aside while I greeted people. There is so much guilt I feel because of that.

You moved out of the small town where we lived. I had moved away several years before. You got married but by then we had lost touch. I would always ask my mom how you were.

I’ll never know what led you to take your own life on that day in November. Your mom has never recovered. Nobody will be the same. The shock of it was with me for months and then disbelief set it. It has been with me since.

I was never angry at you but I wish you would have talked to someone, anyone. I still can’t accept that you are no longer here, even after seven years. So I will continue to catch myself wondering what you’re doing.

*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8288

*www.save.org/

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7 Responses to Silence.

  1. lisa November 2, 2010 at 06:21 #

    awww…I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve never lost anyone to suicide…I can’t imagine the pain that mother endures everyday.

    *hug*

  2. Issa November 2, 2010 at 13:50 #

    Oh honey, I’m so very sorry. I know how hard this one is. I lost a friend to suicide too. Sigh. It never really gets easier. Especially because it’s not like we know why.

    It’s just hard. Huge hugs to you today.

  3. Mammywoo November 2, 2010 at 14:15 #

    I’m so sorry for your loss honey. My brother went the same way x the anger is the hardest x big cuddles xx
    Beautiful post as always

  4. Cassie November 2, 2010 at 23:52 #

    So tough. I’ve lost loved ones that way, as well as watched loved ones recover from the attempt. I don’t know if the shock every wears off. I’m sorry that its hitting so close to home for you today.
    Thinking about you.

  5. Elle November 3, 2010 at 11:11 #

    Thank you all for your kind words. @Issa That’s one of the hardest things, not knowing why.

  6. Mandi November 3, 2010 at 16:45 #

    🙁 I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I can’t imagine. Big hugs!

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