*This will be a two parter since try as I might, I just can’t cut down on my rambling. I will have part 2 up tomorrow. This totally isn’t a way to get you to come back and read my blog……ahem. 😉 It *might*also have to do with the fact that there’s a Stephen King book calling my name.
I was expecting to write more about my MIL on my blog but after a post I did back in August, I decided to keep quiet. While I was on twitter, someone was saying how awful it was when people say mean things about their in-laws and that they’re parents like the rest of us. This wasn’t directed at me but it had me thinking maybe I’m being too harsh. I’ve over it now so beware.
We will be visiting my in-laws for four days starting this Friday. At first I thought “hell, no!” and as I’m writing this, I’m breaking out into fits of nervous laughter and expecting to see padded walls and men in white coats pretty soon. I guess that would be a good thing because then I wouldn’t have to see the in-laws.
Think of this post as a tutorial on why my twitter updates will read “Help!” and any posts I might possibly have during my stay with them won’t make any sense whatsoever, not that my writing ever does.
*sidenote. After seeing the in-laws, we’re going to see my family for the rest of the week. This is a very good thing but my younger sister can be unpredictable and likes to push my buttons. *sigh*
Since I love to ramble, just ask The Momsmith, I decided to tell you just a few of the “highlights” I’ve had with my in-laws over the years. Otherwise this might turn into a novella. The thing about my MIL is that she can be downright mean but what she does can also be pretty damn funny in an omg she’s mental way.
I’m going to keep the mean things out of it because my mom reads my blog and if she reads the really mean things, she might drive down on Thanksgiving to where my MIL lives and beat her ass and then I would have to stop her and a car chase would ensue. That would be awesome but I really want green bean casserole.
Words. My FIL has a master’s in mathematics and my MIL has an associate degree but they ALWAYS mess up words. Personally I don’t think your smarts depend on a college degree, just look at Good Will Hunting and Tess from Working Girl, and I’ve learned that being book smart can also lead to a total lack of common sense. This of course is just what I’ve seen from the in-laws and brother-in-law, who I will get to later.
My hubby was wearing a Tour De Athens shirt (we lived in Athens, GA years ago when the hubs was going to Officer Candidate School) and my FIL couldn’t pronounce it. He didn’t even know what Tour De France was. To give him some credit I don’t pay attention to it but I know it exists. Really though, when it comes to Tour De France all I can think about is sweaty, smelly balls and who wants that.
So my in-laws were out for a visit and the hubby had on his shirt. We went out for breakfast and my FIL was trying to read the hubs shirt. After sounding it out, he kept on calling it Turd-y Athens. I didn’t correct him but said it the right way in conversation. Didn’t matter. He kept on saying Turd-y Athens and continued to talk about it all through breakfast. I think I got orange juice up my nose from trying to stifle my laughter so many times.
My mom and I think their lack of saying words properly is hilarious and have talked about it many times. It always reminds us of the bundt cake scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Bun Bun Bun Bund-tttt.
Turtles. My MIL has over 100 turtles. Yes, really. She has these wooden pens in the backyard where she keeps most of them but also has them in her house. Animal hoarder much? She names each one and writes their stats in some turtle book along with a picture. She actually takes really good care of them but they take up ALL of her time.
When my hubby and I first started dating, he told me about his parents oddities. One thing I found really phucking sad was that his mother takes better care and gives more love to her damn turtles than her own kids. My hubs told me that when he was younger, my MIL would buy meat and would give the top-notch stuff to her turtles and would use the gnarly, cheap meat for her family.
My MIL has had this signature on her email forever: “Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.” I absolutely love animals but my daughter trumps my cat, no question. Just a few weeks ago my hubby emailed his mom and pointed it out saying something along the lines of “Shouldn’t it be until one has a child or becomes a parent”. The MIL responded by saying “you are so right”. But really I think this says so much about her and just makes me feel sad for my husband.
Delusional. Not only do my in-laws see things through rose-colored glasses, they see the world through rose-colored glasses dipped in LSD with a sunshine suppository up their arse. Case in point. They came to visit us two Thanksgiving’s ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. Oh the stories I could tell with that visit alone.
It was the day after Thanksgiving and my MIL insisted we go to a baby store to check out furniture. The hubby and I already knew what we wanted but there was no avoiding going to this place. At the time, we were living in the D.C. area and lived across the street from a mall.
While waiting at a stoplight on the way to this baby store, we were seeing shoppers coming out of the mall. Then my FIL spotted a woman pushing a shopping cart. I’m paraphrasing here but he said “Look at that woman. She bought so much that she couldn’t carry it all and had to get a cart”.
My hubs was like “Uh, she’s a homeless woman”. The FIL got all worked up and insisted that this woman just bought too many things and was not homeless. Um yeah, so as you can see, they live in la la land. I don’t think it’s bad to see the good side of things but it’s so frustrating because they just don’t live in the real world.
I’m taking this from a post I wrote about them in August and I think it really sums up their delusion. “If someone stabbed you, set you on fire, and then you had a dog come along and piss on you while you were being burned alive, my in-laws would find a bright side to it”.
Do you have any in-law issues? If so, I’d love to hear it. 🙂