Dear Disposable Razor People…You Suck.

One of the more recent incidents I’ve had with you was after I gave birth. I hadn’t shaved in weeks and thought I would do it the day of my ob/gyn appointment but was running late as usual.

It’s a pain in the ass to shave when you have a basketball sized stomach and can’t even reach your legs. At my appointment the Dr. told me I was having my little girl that day and so during labor, everyone who came by to stick their hands up my vagina also got to see my legs that rivaled Sasquatch.

My husband was able to hunt down a disposable razor a day later since I was tired of having my leg hair blowing in the breeze. You seemed innocent enough although I have no idea why. Two razor blades stuck in a plastic stick seems far from innocent especially when taken to your legs.

I thought I finally learned my lesson on using you when not only did I have to deal with the blood coming out of my pikachu that required pads the size of diapers and sexy mesh panties, I also had blood dripping from the cuts on my legs.

But alas, I still didn’t learn. It’s like when I know not to cut my bangs after all of these years. I still do it thinking I won’t screw them up this time and then proceed to butcher them.

So for the Thanksgiving holiday I decided to be a dumbass and pick up a disposable razor. For some reason I think spending a couple of dollars on a razor that I can throw away and don’t even have to bother unpacking is more convenient than taking my 12 dollar razor that will leave me with most of the skin on my legs. Like I said, I’m a dumbass.

To my credit or to my dumbassy-ness, I had recently seen a disposable razor commercial and they didn’t seem so bad since the women in the commercial were smiling, not screaming and cussing in the shower while the skin on their legs were being ripped off. They also left out the bloodbath that ensues. Damn advertising.

 Or should I say bloodshower? *snort* Yes, I think that’s funny because if you haven’t heard me bitch and whine about it, I’m really sick and chugging nighttime cold medicine. I also have an awesome, raspy voice from my brutal sore throat and because I’m coughing so much. Being sick also makes me more spacey than usual and has me going off of a subject entirely. Where was I?

So while traveling for the holiday I made the mistake of taking along a disposable razor. I made sure to use extra shaving cream thinking that would cut heh down on my leg carnage. Did I mention that I’m a blonde?

The extra shaving cream that made the shower look like a winter wonderland didn’t do shit so my legs were ripped to shreds. It helps not that I have sensitive skin. I said fuck a lot more than usual throughout the day from the pain of cuts and razor burn because that is supposed to be healing and make up for the lack of skin on my legs and armpits. It’s a scientific fact.

I told my husband to never, ever let me use you again, like that’s going to stop me. By the way, my bangs are looking a little long.

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7 Responses to Dear Disposable Razor People…You Suck.

  1. Jess November 29, 2010 at 11:21 #

    Oh. WOW!!
    I’ve had some pretty bad incidences with disposable razors myself so I used the super expensive ones forever. But then I got sick of wasting money on something like that, and I tried Noxzema Super Smooth Tripe Blade disposables. And I’ve NEVER looked back. Seriously. I love that I can use a fresh blade every time I shave, if I so desire. {The thought of all that extra plastic in landfills just made me cringe, though… ahh well. Can’t win em all}
    And get this: I have super sensitive skin too, and I DON’T EVEN USE SHAVING CREAM! I use Olay Ultra Moisture with Shea Butter.

  2. Elle November 29, 2010 at 13:09 #

    I’ve never tried those. I always feel guilty about throwing things like that away too. Thanks for the tip. 🙂

  3. jaynecrammond December 1, 2010 at 01:44 #

    Haha, I use these shitty razors and also cut my own fringe, both with the usual disasterous results! Why do we never learn? I actually shaved off a raised mole whilst using a disposable, you don’t know bloodbath (or shower) til you’ve shaved off a mole. Grim.

    • Elle December 1, 2010 at 02:12 #

      I’ve heard people say that crazy is when you do the same thing over again expecting different results only to get the same but I know I’m not crazy. Okay, I couldn’t even keep a straight face writing that.

      I cut a mole with a razor years ago and I still remember the blood. The mole also looks pretty damn funky now. Since I’m a worrier, I had a dr. look at it and he said it was fine. I’m still not convinced and think I have some weird thingamajig. Like I said, I worry. 😛

  4. Mandi December 1, 2010 at 07:38 #

    Don’t touch those bangs!!!! 😉
    You are too funny and make me realize just how lucky I’ve been whenever I used disposable razors! Just what you want to hear, huh?

    • Elle December 2, 2010 at 01:38 #

      I think I end up getting my hands on the disposable razors from hell. And I know it doesn’t help that my skin is super sensitive. 😉

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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