One of the more recent incidents I’ve had with you was after I gave birth. I hadn’t shaved in weeks and thought I would do it the day of my ob/gyn appointment but was running late
It’s a pain in the ass to shave when you have a basketball sized stomach and can’t even reach your legs. At my appointment the Dr. told me I was having my little girl that day and so during labor, everyone who came by to stick their hands up my vagina also got to see my legs that rivaled Sasquatch.
My husband was able to hunt down a disposable razor a day later since I was tired of having my leg hair blowing in the breeze. You seemed innocent enough although I have no idea why. Two razor blades stuck in a plastic stick seems far from innocent especially when taken to your legs.
I thought I finally learned my lesson on using you when not only did I have to deal with the blood coming out of my pikachu that required pads the size of diapers and sexy mesh panties, I also had blood dripping from the cuts on my legs.
But alas, I still didn’t learn. It’s like when I know not to cut my bangs after all of these years. I still do it thinking I won’t screw them up this time and then proceed to butcher them.
So for the Thanksgiving holiday I decided to be a dumbass and pick up a disposable razor. For some reason I think spending a couple of dollars on a razor that I can throw away and don’t even have to bother unpacking is more convenient than taking my 12 dollar razor that will leave me with most of the skin on my legs. Like I said, I’m a dumbass.
To my credit or to my dumbassy-ness, I had recently seen a disposable razor commercial and they didn’t seem so bad since the women in the commercial were smiling, not screaming and cussing in the shower while the skin on their legs were being ripped off. They also left out the bloodbath that ensues. Damn advertising.
Or should I say bloodshower? *snort* Yes, I think that’s funny because if you haven’t heard me bitch and whine about it, I’m really sick and chugging nighttime cold medicine. I also have an awesome, raspy voice from my brutal sore throat and because I’m coughing so much. Being sick also makes me more spacey than usual and has me going off of a subject entirely. Where was I?
So while traveling for the holiday I made the mistake of taking along a disposable razor. I made sure to use extra shaving cream thinking that would cut
heh down on my leg carnage. Did I mention that I’m a blonde?
The extra shaving cream that made the shower look like a winter wonderland didn’t do shit so my legs were ripped to shreds. It helps
not that I have sensitive skin. I said fuck a lot more than usual throughout the day from the pain of cuts and razor burn because that is supposed to be healing and make up for the lack of skin on my legs and armpits. It’s a scientific fact.
I told my husband to never, ever let me use you again, like that’s going to stop me. By the way, my bangs are looking a little long.