Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Scared and Mommy Guilt.

I just saw a tweet about Fadra’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday. I was going to wait until next week to do this since I’m looopy on meds but I figured why not? My hubby took the little hummingbird out so the house it quiet.

 Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Doing tghis post is especially challenging for me because even though I don’t spend a lot of time proofreading, I hate to post something with a lot of mistakes and do most of my corrections after I hit publish. When I was first typing this sentence, my hand slipped so I either added extra letter to a word or it’s all one word. I have issues with remembering to use the spacebar. heh.

Okay, so right now I’m really freaking out about my upcoming surgery on Tuesday. Not that anyone necessarily jumps for joy when they have one but there’s been this huge weight on my shoulders. My main concern is my daughter because this is the first time in her 21 months of life that we have to get a babysitter while I recover.

The sinus surgery I’m having is very simple and I couldn’t figure out why I’m so freaking nervous about it but then while I was talking to my hubby I figured out why.

I’m terrified that after the surgery, whle I’m waking up, I’ll find that the surgery didmn’t work and I’ll still be in extreme pain since my sinuses on my left side are blocked. I can’t stand the thought of having to go through anymore of this pain. When looking at how long I’ve been dealing with this, I couldn’t believe it’s been since my daughter was about 7 months old.

Then that makes me feel like a horrible mother and I feel like I’ve been depriving her of the real me. She’s gotten a mommy who has been feeling really crappy for most of her life. I have major mommy guilt because she deserves the best from me.

And time’s up.


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6 Responses to Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Scared and Mommy Guilt.

  1. mommylebron January 16, 2011 at 10:57 #

    AH, the unavoidable Mommy Guilt. I wrote about guilt too. But I think you may be being too hard on yourself. Despite not feeling well, have you done your very best to be your own definition of a good mom? I bet you have. And if that doesn’t make you feel any better, the Hummingbird won’t remember any of this later in life.

  2. Fadra January 16, 2011 at 12:22 #

    The good news is that your daughter won’t even remember anything until she’s well on her way to 3 😉 Seriously, I know how pain can destroy you and I can’t wait for you to become the person you have meant to be. And imagine how much more you’ll be able to embrace motherhood. Can’t wait to hear about it!

  3. Mandi January 17, 2011 at 08:05 #

    I hope all goes well and you are 100% healed and feeling better after this surgery!! NO MOMMY GUILT. 🙂

  4. Pampered Patty January 17, 2011 at 09:50 #

    Good luck on your surgery. You are taking care of yourself now and that is all that matters. Kids are so resilient and your daughter will be fine. All the best!

  5. PicPoetProse January 18, 2011 at 10:17 #

    Good luck! Guilt sucks and I don’t know any mom who doesn’t have it. Having said that, I’m sure you gave her the best you had every day and isn’t that all we can do?

  6. Cassie January 18, 2011 at 18:20 #

    Elle, I am so sad to read about your mama guilt. I know exactly what you mean. But you have to know that you are always the best mommy you can be under the circumstances. Its hard when things are out of your control. I am sure your surgery will be fantastic. Keeping you and the hummingbird in my thoughts!

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