Way too much information that you don’t want to know about me.

Last week, Lexy from Mammy Woo tagged me to write about 7 things people don’t know about me. If I didn’t do it, she will, and I quote “If you don’t you will be forced to listen to me drone on about poo for the next seven years!” hehe.

At first, I didn’t think I would be able to come up with anything since I tell you almost everything, possibly too much. Then I realized there’s actually quite a bit you don’t know. I’ve found that over the past several months, my anonymity has given me the freedom to reveal more than I expected.

I thought my revelations would be funny but while writing this, it took a different turn and most of it is dark and freaking depressing which is probably why I haven’t written about these things until now.

1. I have social anxiety. I usually say I’m shy but I actually have social anxiety. I’ve tried medication and even saw a few therapists to help with my irrational fears. Years ago it got so bad that I would get nervous when just going outside to check the mail. I also have panic attacks and take anti-anxiety meds.

I refuse to be on daily medication (SSRI’s). I tried those for several years and it just left me exhausted and feeling like a zombie. And you know how I feel about zombies. heh. It’s gotten somewhat better after I had my daughter but there are still plenty of times when I have to force myself to go out.

It doesn’t help my social anxiety when I’m out with my daughter and she has a tantrum, screams, and throws herself on the ground. Then again, I’m so busy with her that although I get embarrassed, after it’s over I realize even though all eyes are on me, it’s not the end of the world.

I get very nervous when it comes to doing things others don’t even give a second thought about, like going to the grocery store or eating at a restaurant. I really dread having to walk in front of a bunch of people in a crowd or a movie theatre (back when I used to go). I know my feelings are completely irrational but nevertheless, I still have them.

2. I’ve always wanted to be an actress. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to act. But not in the “I just want to be famous” way. I dreamed of moving to New York City and being a stage actress. Of course, I would have found the time to be in movies on the side while dating Johnny Depp and Eddie Vedder and winning an Oscar before I was 20. :^D

3. I was born with a congenital heart defect. I also have a heart murmur and when I was born, the prognosis was grim. The doctors didn’t think I’d have that long to live. But being the stubborn, pain in the ass that is me, here I am. I went through several surgical procedures and although my doctors wanted to do open heart surgery, they wanted to wait as long as possible until I was stronger.

I was on different medications for years and to this day, the smell of liquid penicillin makes my stomach turn because I took it so often. When I was five years old, the medication I was on for my heart wasn’t working as well as it should have, I was getting worse, and my doctors couldn’t wait any longer. They were actually able to make the incision from the back because I was so small. I’m thankful for that but wearing a bra is a pain since it always rubs up against my scar.

I eventually tired of people asking why there was a scar on my back so by the time I was a teenager, I would make up stories. Sometimes I would wear tank tops which would make my scar visible.

When my classmates would ask about my scar, my favorite thing to tell them was I got in a knife fight at some club on the Sunset Strip. That person’s eyes would get huge and they would totally fall for it. Then I would say I was just screwing with them and usually they would find it funny. Other times some of them would find the knife fight more believable than open heart surgery.

Whenever I go to the dentist, I have to take antibiotics and I also need yearly check-ups with a cardiologist that consists of an EKG and ultrasound or MRI. I’ve recently gone to a cardiologist for the first part of the check-up and I’m currently playing phone tag with the doctor so I can get the MRI done. I always worry that they’ll find something wrong.

4. I missed out on having a father/daughter relationship. My mom and biological father divorced before I was a year old. His mother was schizophrenic but when my mom met and fell in love with my bio dad (aka sperm donor), married him, and then had me, he seemed fine. Then on his 21st birthday, he literally went crazy.

He threw whatever he could carry out of the window of our second story apartment. He even dragged the fridge halfway across the apartment. All of the things in my room were left untouched. The next day while my mom was still in shock and my grandfather and his wife were over, my bio dad walked in with a man that he introduced as his new wife. Yeah, so…..

My mom married my stepdad (they divorced 8 years ago) when I was seven and my half-sister was born two years later. I tried to get along with my stepdad but it was difficult, especially after my sister was born. I always felt like I was in the way of them being a “perfect” family. Then I reconnected with my bio dad and things seemed to go downhill with my stepdad and I. He has a very gruff personality and it made things even more difficult.

Since we were fighting all of the time, I moved back to California to live with my sperm donor and stepmonster stepmother. My bio dad had (well, still has) this cycle. He would be on his meds for a little while, he would start drinking and drugging, he would stop his meds, then he would usually end up completely out of his mind and in a psych ward. Every time he got out, he promised me he would stay on his meds but the cycle would just start over.

I do have contact with my bio dad and I send him cards and updates on the little hummingbird but I actually haven’t called him since we moved, back in July. He’s been calling me and I plan on giving him a call soon but it takes awhile to work up the nerve.

I’m envious of those who have a good relationship with their fathers. It’s something I’ve wanted for so long but know I will never have. My stepdad and I are on much better terms but we’ll never be close. I get weepy happy when I see all of the love my husband gives our little girl. Seeing that helps heal my heart.

5. I was sexually assaulted. It happened when I was 15 years old but I didn’t tell anyone until I was 17. He was an acquaintance and I regret letting this man get away with it. It’s taken me years to work through it and I finally feel like I’ve found peace and closure.

6. I’m the Queen of useless information. At least that’s what my hubby thinks. I’m into celebrity gossip and know way more about celebrities than I should. I’ve gotten a little rusty since I’ve had my daughter so sometimes my mom will actually know something about a celeb before I do. Gasp!

7.  I’m absolutely terrified of spiders and snakes. I freak out when I see a spider. I’ll scream for my husband who will have no idea what’s going on. Then he’ll rush into the room and see it’s only a spider. Whenever I think about snakes, I instantly put my feet up. I used to still do have a fear that a snake will come out of the toilet and bite me on the bum.

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8 Responses to Way too much information that you don’t want to know about me.

  1. jaynecrammond January 24, 2011 at 01:27 #

    What a lovely post, so wonderfully open and honest. It’s made me want to find you and hug you though. It makes me realise that we go through life, communicating with people and knowing the parts about them that they want us to know, but there is always so much more to people than the surface information.

    Thanks for sharing with us all (I wonder, is No. 3 part of the reason you were so scared about your sinus surgery?)


    • Elle January 26, 2011 at 08:54 #

      It actually was a big reason why I was so nervous. I don’t have a higher risk of potential complications from surgery than anyone else but it still makes me extremely nervous. I always think what if my heart can’t take it this time.

  2. Brooke Farmer January 24, 2011 at 08:46 #

    Thanks a lot. I’m crying. I don’t do crying well.

    I’m with ya on the snakes and spiders though. My son wanted to bring his “pet snake” from his dad’s house when we first moved to CA. I told him it wasn’t possible because A) if it ever got out of its cage we would have to move leaving all of our belongings behind and B) when he left for summer the bitch would starve because there was no way in hell I would OPEN the cage that held the snake for ANY reason- even to feed it. And that would just be mean. So it couldn’t come.

  3. misslexywoo January 24, 2011 at 11:10 #

    Wow. What a post. Such an honest, heart touching sad, brave and finally loving (little hummingbird and daddy) life you have had. I am so sorry about some aspects but utterly am in awe of your strength and character.
    You have battled and fought and yet remained lovely and simply amazing since the day you were born.
    I love you and your blog now more than I ever did. I didn’t think that was possible!
    I hope getting all of this off your chest helped in someway and hey! No I don’t have to subject you to anymore chats about poo!
    Huge respect missis and thank you for a truly outstanding post.
    Misslexywoo in awe, about your life and your writing.
    Lots of British love xx ;0)

  4. TheBoyandMe January 24, 2011 at 12:34 #

    Good lord chick, you’ve had a tough time of it. Well done for providing your little poppet with a happy family life.

  5. Cassandra January 24, 2011 at 13:47 #

    Oh, my long lost soul sister! We sound so much alike and have had such a very similar life. We would get along so well. Glad to hear you are healing and have such a blessed life. Our life experiences make us stronger and who we are.

  6. waterbirthplease January 24, 2011 at 13:55 #

    Can only echo what the pervious posts have said. A compelling read and very moving. It’s clear that your troubled home life has resolved you all the more to being wonderful parents. What an awesome blog post x

  7. Kate January 24, 2011 at 20:02 #

    I love what your first commenter said! It’s so true and I love the honesty.

    “What a lovely post, so wonderfully open and honest. It’s made me want to find you and hug you though. It makes me realise that we go through life, communicating with people and knowing the parts about them that they want us to know, but there is always so much more to people than the surface information.”

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