Sex and Insecurity.

*I would like to thank Melissa from Rock And Drool for giving me the opportunity to write this post on her relationship and intimacy site You Won’t Go Blind.

My husband and I used to have a great sex life. He joined the Navy a year after we were married so we would have to go months without seeing each other. While he was gone I had to *ahem* take matters into my own hands. When he came home from being deployed, it was all I could do to not rip his clothes off right there.

“There” being in front of the other wives watching and waiting for their men on the dock. I have to admit my sex drive has never been that high except in High School but my mom is reading this so sshhhh but when my husband was gone for several months at a time, it was all I could think about.

We’ve been married for over 15 years and during that time, things on my body have stretched and sagged. He would assure me that it didn’t bother him but I would still be self-conscious. Over the years our sex life has gone down because of it. Nearly 2 years ago I had my daughter and there was more stretching and sagging.

With my post-pregnancy body came more insecurity. Sex became exhausting but not for the right reasons. Before our clothes came off, I would make sure the lights were out. His hands would roam all over my body and I would suck my stomach in.

I would also do a move to make my boobs look perky. You know the one. Arms laying at my side and lifting my breasts up so they wouldn’t fall into my armpits. Instant perkiness…ish. I would lay down in the most uncomfortable positions so I would look better.

There I was on the bed, stomach sucked in as far as it would go, arms to my side holding up my boobs, head turned a certain way so I wouldn’t have a double chin, all while trying to guide my husband’s hands to a place on my body that I wasn’t self-conscious about, like my hair. I know, totally wild and sexy. RAWR!

I had an emergency caesarean and never had an issue with the scar but I had complications with my cesarean which caused us to have less sex because of the pain I was in. 11 months later I had to have another abdominal surgery. I was left with four small scars on my stomach. Four small, raised, red scars. It took me a few weeks to even look at my stomach and when I did I felt like some kind of Frankenstein.

When I finally recovered and my husband and I started having sex again, I would leave my shirt on. He assured me like always that I have nothing to worry about but those scars made me feel so insecure about my body.

Sure I became a pro at being a contortionist so he might possibly oversee the extra weight I had put on with pregnancy but the scars are like a big flashing neon sign to me. It’s been almost a year since I’ve had surgery and the scars haven’t gotten much better, even after using over the counter treatments that promise to reduce them.

Fortunately, I am becoming better with my insecurity although it’s been slow going. I no longer feel the need to wear a shirt but I still don’t feel like I’m at a place where I can fully enjoy sex like I used to.

Every now and then my husband makes fun of his love handles or a little thinning along his hairline and I hate to hear him talk that way about himself. If only I could get it in my head that he feels the same way when I put myself down.

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10 Responses to Sex and Insecurity.

  1. By Word Of Mouth Musings February 22, 2011 at 07:39 #

    ok, go shopping.
    You need a sheer nighty, drive him wild and make you feel sexy and ‘blurred’
    and candles, and more candles … everything looks good in candlelight 🙂

    • Elle February 22, 2011 at 19:49 #

      I really like that idea. I used to light candles all the time and now I’m just too tired but it does add what I think is perfect ambiance. 🙂

  2. noe February 22, 2011 at 19:30 #

    The first time I had sex with the man who is my husband, I begged him to turn the lights off. No luck… He wanted to see me, even in my not so sexy body…
    He had told me over and over and over how much he loves me, and how much he loves my body, my big belly and my small boobs.
    And my insecurities about sex changed on a trip to Portland where I felt we were just newlywed enjoying our honeymoon. That was in November… and we got married a while ago.

    • Elle February 22, 2011 at 19:56 #

      I know it doesn’t bother him like I think it does and it’s more me. I just wasn’t expecting the scars to be so obvious. Thankfully my husband is a boob guy. 🙂

  3. Where no one you know can hear you scream February 23, 2011 at 21:11 #

    Why do you not have a “like” button for me to click on for WordPress?

    I have a partially written post about my body issues and how they do not help that whole getting naked thing. Someday I plan on finishing it.

    I applaud your honesty and candor about this, especially on your very non-anonymous blog that your mother reads.

    Sometimes I wish I could channel that horny teenager again (I know the husband would LOVE that) versus the post-nursing hormones levels are low point I’m at now.

    I think what we have to remember is, we’re way harder on ourselves than they are.

    Plus to a guy, any naked boob is something to look at. A wife’s naked boob is something you’re allowed to have fun with and can lead to getting fun in return – thus whatever form they are in is good.

    Just about the time I was getting over insecurites with 1st child and getting hormone levels back to normal, I got pregnant with 2nd , and now I fight the insecurity battle all over again.

    Good luck!

  4. katrina Roldan February 25, 2011 at 01:52 #

    I’m new to your blog, and I can totally relate to this post! I am the mom to nine kids — that’s right, NINE — you wanna talk pregnancy sagging? boob sagging? extra weight here and there? Oh yea, I can relate. But my husband seriously is more horny for me NOW than he ever was. I am 41 and we’ve been married almost 19 years. He hates the lights off. He hates when I keep any kind of clothing on (well, except for sexy lingerie, of course!) and he tries to sneak a peak whenever I’m getting dressed. Sometimes I wish he would have an “off” button that I could pull from time to time. But secretly I’m flattered. We wives need to remember than our men are very visual, …and to them, our “imperfect” body is perfect, if only because it is his to have. HIS. I think that’s beautiful. Whenever I point out my imperfections due to childbirth, my husband says, “But that what makes you so beautiful. Your body made lots of babies. What’s more beautiful than that?” Ah. Be still my heart 🙂

  5. themrs March 25, 2011 at 12:38 #

    my dear husband shared some sage words of advice with me several years ago. he said “honey, when women are naked, men do not see the imperfections until you point them out. we see all the parts we like. that’s what we’re focusing on. so stop trying to distract me with other parts.” LOL the guy was right. i’m way more caught up in these flaws than he is. even after five kids!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  3. I’m feeling daring so I’m baring my scars. | This Is Mommyhood - April 29, 2012

    […] been really self-conscious about some scars I got from an abdominal surgery a few years ago. Before that, I was insecure of the big scar on my back from heart surgery. I did have some fun […]

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