My husband and I used to have a great sex life. He joined the Navy a year after we were married so we would have to go months without seeing each other. While he was gone I had to *ahem* take matters into my own hands. When he came home from being deployed, it was all I could do to not rip his clothes off right there.
“There” being in front of the other wives watching and waiting for their men on the dock. I have to admit my sex drive has never been that high
except in High School but my mom is reading this so sshhhh but when my husband was gone for several months at a time, it was all I could think about.
We’ve been married for over 15 years and during that time, things on my body have stretched and sagged. He would assure me that it didn’t bother him but I would still be self-conscious. Over the years our sex life has gone down because of it. Nearly 2 years ago I had my daughter and there was more stretching and sagging.
With my post-pregnancy body came more insecurity. Sex became exhausting but not for the right reasons. Before our clothes came off, I would make sure the lights were out. His hands would roam all over my body and I would suck my stomach in.
I would also do a move to make my boobs look perky. You know the one. Arms laying at my side and lifting my breasts up so they wouldn’t fall into my armpits. Instant perkiness…ish. I would lay down in the most uncomfortable positions so I would look better.
There I was on the bed, stomach sucked in as far as it would go, arms to my side holding up my boobs, head turned a certain way so I wouldn’t have a double chin, all while trying to guide my husband’s hands to a place on my body that I wasn’t self-conscious about, like my hair. I know, totally wild and sexy. RAWR!
I had an emergency caesarean and never had an issue with the scar but I had complications with my cesarean which caused us to have less sex because of the pain I was in. 11 months later I had to have another abdominal surgery. I was left with four small scars on my stomach. Four small, raised, red scars. It took me a few weeks to even look at my stomach and when I did I felt like some kind of Frankenstein.
When I finally recovered and my husband and I started having sex again, I would leave my shirt on. He assured me like always that I have nothing to worry about but those scars made me feel so insecure about my body.
Sure I became a pro at being a contortionist so he might possibly oversee the extra weight I had put on with pregnancy but the scars are like a big flashing neon sign to me. It’s been almost a year since I’ve had surgery and the scars haven’t gotten much better, even after using over the counter treatments that promise to reduce them.
Fortunately, I am becoming better with my insecurity although it’s been slow going. I no longer feel the need to wear a shirt but I still don’t feel like I’m at a place where I can fully enjoy sex like I used to.
Every now and then my husband makes fun of his love handles or a little thinning along his hairline and I hate to hear him talk that way about himself. If only I could get it in my head that he feels the same way when I put myself down.