My in-laws are coming and I’ve already reserved a spot for myself in the psych ward just in case.

On Monday night my hubby had been home for several hours but decided to tell me right before we went to bed that his parents are coming in mid March.

I’ve been waiting to hear this news, just not right before bed when I’m about to die of exhaustion. It got me worked up and I was up half the night. My in-laws are effing crazy and it would take the patience of Mother Teresa and Gandhi combined to put up with them for more than an hour. You can read in more detail and learn more than you ever wanted to about my in-laws here, here, here, and here. Although this post is one of my favorites.

They were supposed to come out for my daughter’s 2nd BIRTHDAY!! in April but a miracle happened. My husband found out he’s going to be teaching again next quarter and since it starts around the little hummingbird’s 2nd BIRTHDAY!! and his parents need constant attention, we were able to change the date of their visit so my hubby won’t have them breathing down his neck while he prepares for class.

Just a quick review. My father-in-law is very scientific in what he talks about. It’s never anything normal and it’s rare that my in-laws can actually have a casual conversation. During Thanksgiving dinner my FIL went on and on about how to make effing cement. He can easily spend an hour just talking about trees or the mechanics of a freezer, and my in-laws make watching movies a miserable experience.

We saw the movie Up on dvd and I LOVED it. My mother-in-law bitched the whole time. She would go on about how nothing in the movie is realistic it’s an effing cartoon, how a house couldn’t really float off with several balloons attached to it, and she would always say “Oh, please! That couldn’t really happen!” throughout the movie. She would try to get into debates with my husband about how these things could be changed so it would be more realistic. I wanted to pelt her in the face with my m&m’s and suffocate her with the bag so she would shut it!

But then I wouldn’t have known how the movie ended because of the whole homicide thing.

When it comes to my mother-in-law (who has over 100 turtles; they are her life), she seems to enjoy making me mental. I know that she had a bad relationship with her mother-in-law and would be told things just to hurt her feelings but then she turns around and treats me the same way while she thinks I’m lucky to have her as a mother-in-law. Bwahahahaha. And yes, she really has told me that I got off easy because she’s such a great MIL.

She’s really passive-aggressive with me and her claws come out as soon as my husband turns his back. She treats my husband like he pisses gold but she treats me like I’m something she stepped in. I understand he’s her son but when it comes to my mom, she treats us both with love.

On one of my in-laws more recent visits, the time had come for us to say our goodbye’s and I was almost ready to give myself a pat on the back for surviving the visit. My husband was a few feet away talking to his dad. My MIL gave me a hug and then told me she had something for me. I instantly felt like such a bitch for thinking she’s an awful woman.

She reached in her purse and then handed me a picture of my husband and I from several years ago, back when I was just 21 and pre-hummingbird. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. I felt like she might be up to something but gave her another hug and thanked her.

Then she said she wanted to give me this picture to remind me of how I used to look so maybe now I’ll think about losing some weight.

I have 16 days to sharpen my shank…….

*I’m dedicating this to @mcai7td3 and @Brokeback_Cat who are awesome to follow on Twitter but unfortunately they don’t have blogs.  *sad face*

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33 Responses to My in-laws are coming and I’ve already reserved a spot for myself in the psych ward just in case.

  1. Mcai7td3 March 3, 2011 at 01:46 #

    Firstly :o I’ve never had a blog dedicated to me before, I am v touched, thank you! Wow, this is obviously my favourite blog now :)

    Re: blog, wow!! Do you think all mother in laws are just plain evil? Mine has never said a nice word to me ever, I used to think she was incapable of smiling before my little one came along. Now she just makes a point of criticising my mothering skills. At every visit… Grrrr, I don’t look forward to her visits.

    (p.s I am thinking about blogging, just need to work up some more courage :))

  2. jaynecrammond March 3, 2011 at 01:50 #

    She sounds a lot like my Husbands Grandma…she visited about 5 weeks after Sausage was born and as she left said “Oh, I see you haven’t lost any weight yet, then?”

    There’s just no need, is there?

  3. Janette March 3, 2011 at 04:46 #

    Wow, God bless you and your patience. I have in-law problems too, but my MIL is just annoying more than anything. I could not handle a malicious one. Good luck with the visit!

  4. Samantha March 3, 2011 at 07:29 #

    this is only the first post i’ve read of yours….came to you through heather sphor’s site….but, you quite possibly could be my new favorite blog!!!! there’s nothing more that i love than reading that i’m not the only one who hates…i mean, doesn’t get along well with her MIL. i’m sending your site to my sister…if i think i have an in-law problem, all i do is talk to her and then i feel better. can’t wait to read your other posts about the in-laws!!!

    ~sjb

    • Elle March 4, 2011 at 19:51 #

      Thank you! In-laws, can’t live with them, can’t kill them….. ;)

  5. Jennifer G. March 3, 2011 at 09:00 #

    OMG, she did NOT give you a picture of how u used to look, to hassle you about weight. Yikes! So sorry. Maybe you can pretend you’re sick when they visit in March and just hide out in your bedroom or something. Good luck.

    • Elle March 4, 2011 at 19:52 #

      I’ll probably lock myself in the bedroom and tweet for help.

  6. themrs March 3, 2011 at 10:40 #

    are you ready? i always THOUGHT my MIL and i had a great relationship! in fact, i used to always tell others how wonderful she was! so out of the blue, about two years ago, she calls and asks if she can stop by our house after my husband gets home from work (which isn’t until 9p) which i thought was odd. we, of course, said it was fine. she comes over, sits down, and pulls out a list. do you know what it was? a written list of EVERY. SINGLE. THING. i’ve done to anger/offend/upset her/my SIL/my BIL or the grandparents in the eight years we had been married. she read them off, one by one. not only had she been “saving” them, but so had my husbands siblings. to add to the joy, i was three months preggo with our (extremely unexpected) 5th child, sick as a dog from that, and trying to get over mono. it was to this day the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me. but guess what? after a few weeks, she was forced to apologize so everything should be AOK now! back to love! i’ll never trust her again. never.

    • Elle March 4, 2011 at 20:01 #

      That’s insane! I am so sorry that was done to you. Your her son’s wife, the woman he loves, and the mother of her grandchildren and you certainly deserve respect. What she did was unbelievably hurtful.

  7. Lindsey March 3, 2011 at 13:27 #

    I LOLed pretty much all the way through that. What is it with men’s mommies? I have two sons and pray every day that I don’t get the dread disease that seems to plague EVERY daughter-in-law.

    Hubs and I haven’t spoken to his parents in years, they’re that nuts. I know your frustration, though I don’t have it anymore :D

    • Elle March 4, 2011 at 20:08 #

      I’m pretty sure you’re safe since you are aware of how awful it can be. :) My hubby drives me crazy by saying I’ll be like my MIL to my daughter’s spouse. There’s no way….

  8. Rhiannon March 3, 2011 at 17:10 #

    My MIL once “threatened” to be like the character of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond, if my husband didn’t remove any temptations for her to “need” to do so.

    On the other hand, they are a whole lot better than my family.

  9. Aubrey March 4, 2011 at 11:12 #

    “Then she said she wanted to give me this picture to remind me of how I used to look so maybe now I’ll think about losing some weight.” I’d give her a picture of a horses ass and tell her that it’s a mirror.

    • Elle March 4, 2011 at 20:02 #

      I wish I thought of that back then. :D

  10. CatB March 4, 2011 at 21:10 #

    Ok, 1st, thanks so much for the blog dedication, so sweet! 2nd, I actually do have a blog, but haven’t used it in a looong time. I get so distracted by Twitter & now FB…blah. But, you’ve inspired me to start back up so I can also share w/ everyone about, 3rd, my terrible mother-in-law, lol! I can’t stand this woman, I could go on forever about all the crap I’ve had to put up w/ from her, but I’ll save that for my own blog ;) although I’ll share a few of my “favorites”: when she asked me, while I was 7 mos. pg. w/ my 2nd DD & we had just PCSed from Germany back to the States (i.e. not happy, rested, feeling well, ect.) when I was going to get a “real job” (I’m a SAHM), the time she asked me what one of our kids wanted for her b-day, & when I suggested a giftcard, she told everyone (including my husband, who was deployed to Afghanistan at the time) I was begging for money & how when we told her we were expecting our 3rd child (not exactly “planned”, in fact my 2nd DD was only 5 mos. old! so I was already super stressed & emotional about it) she just got up & walked out of the room like we’d just told her we joined a cult. Not exactly the pillar of support & kindness you’d expect from a “Grandma” *sigh* To add insult to injury, she didn’t even raise my husband! If you want the right to make your kid’s life hell, you at least have to do the time & earn it, kwim? Anyway, sorry she was so rude to you. I can totally relate to the anxiety of knowing they’re coming to visit. Fortunately, my m-i-l’s current husband is not that bad, he’s actually a decent guy, but all he ever says to her is “yes, dear”, it makes me sick! The things we do/put up w/ for our husbands! Hang in there & keep that shank sharp ;)

    • Elle March 5, 2011 at 23:12 #

      I can’t wait for you to go back to blogging! The giftcard incident is ridiculous. When my MIL asks what I want for b-days or holidays, I always ask for a giftcard when it comes to me or my daughter since she usually gives me something from the bargain bin that I’ll never use and I can tell it’s been sitting there for ages because of the dust. Of course even though I tell her what I’d like, she never gets it.

      Your MIL isn’t the one raising your kids and like you said she didn’t raise her own son, so that’s really crappy that she would react that way when you told her you were pregnant again. Hugs to you!

  11. Marianna Annadanna March 6, 2011 at 16:28 #

    Just found your blog (from Miss Jenny, the Bloggess).

    This is hilarious! Wait. Not that your in-laws are miserable (that sucks), but your depiction of it here for our reading pleasure.

    I read it to Hubby – enough said. :)

  12. Cindy H March 7, 2011 at 05:28 #

    Dude, turtles are disgusting. Absolutely filthy, disgusting creatures. I once broke up with a boyfriend because he had 2 turtles as pets and they grossed me out so much.

    My MIL asked me if I was on a diet yet before I left the hospital with my newborn son.

    My FIL bullies my 3 year old son and constantly tries to teach him things he’s not developmentally ready for. I have to watch him like a hawk and rescue my son and tell him to stop constantly during visits. Some of my son’s first sentences happened at the ILs out of desperation. Once when he was about 17 months and had just started walking, FIL was physically trying to force him to kick a soccer ball and he looked at me and said, “Help me.” Another time, when he was maybe 19 months old, he looked up at me and said, “I want to go to Target right now.” As clear as day. His longest sentence ever at that point. Needless to say, we don’t see them very much. They suck.

  13. Amanda G. March 7, 2011 at 11:10 #

    I am so glad that I stumbled upon your blog! Nightmare houseguests and crazy family stories are my fave! You completely made my day by this one line, “who has over 100 turtles; they are her life”!

    Good luck with the in-laws. Passive agressiveness is the worst!

  14. Mommy March 7, 2011 at 14:11 #

    OMG you are awesome. That is all.

  15. Sheri March 7, 2011 at 21:41 #

    Wait, do we have the same MIL?! LOL Mine once said(when we were having fertility issues), I am glad you don’t have any kids because I would miss them too much. I could go on and on but I will stop. Love your blog!

  16. Alexandra March 8, 2011 at 08:39 #

    WHAT??

    She’s a witch.

  17. Thurieyyah May 10, 2011 at 04:13 #

    HAHAHA omw – your Inlaws are ridiculous! I must say that my MIL is getting a bit better these days BUT I still dont trust her. She’s all nice and charming in front of me BUT then she turns around and talks crap about me.
    But I don’t care – its like water off a duck’s back!

    I’m still her son’s wife and mother to her grandkids…and best of all – THEY ALL LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY (evil laugh)

    • Elle May 17, 2011 at 00:12 #

      Lol! My MIL was nice to me in front of my hubby and once his back was turned, her claws came out. During the in-laws recent visit, she didn’t even try to be nice but my hubby has selective hearing so he didn’t notice. Grrr. ;)

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