When husbands annoy but you can’t strangle them because of dumb laws.

My husband is my rock and I love him beyond words but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to strangle him 15 percent of the time. Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s probably more like 25 percent of the time. We’ve been together for over 16 years so we’ve become experts at annoying each other.

I annoy him by being a gossip magazine hoarder, watching television in bed (although he’s the one who got me a flat screen t.v. for the bedroom on my birthday a few months ago), it takes me forever to unpack when we move, I’m allergic to cooking and cleaning, I ramble on about celebrity gossip, and my favorite sayings are “You’ve gotta be kidding me?” or “You can’t be serious?! whether it has to do with something that’s good or bad.

That last part might not be annoying him as much anymore since he’s saying those frequently. When I told him I have a blog troll he said “You’ve gotta be kidding me?! Obviously this person doesn’t know what my parents are like. Let’s send them to her for a few days.”

The following are just a few things that he does or else this post might become a novella. To the outside world, these annoying things can seem really lame but when you’re with someone day after day after day, it can make you feel stabby.

When migraines attack. He knows that the two things I need when I have a migraine are quiet and to have it be dark. Since we can’t black out the windows, all I ask is that he keeps the blinds closed. Simple, right? Not for my husband. He goes through the house opening up all of the blinds and I’m stumbling around with sunglasses on inside the house like a drunken vampire. I close the blinds while cursing at him under my breath only to have him open them up again.

Paper towel patrol. He loves to leave one paper towel left on the roll. The one that has that icky glue all over it. If I see that sheet from hell left on the roll, I’ll get a new roll but then he gets annoyed since I’m not using the last one. When I’ve used the last sheet to wipe my face and hands, I feel like I’ve made out with tree sap. We also use kitchen towels but he uses them for everything and I’m kind of OCD when it comes to having clean hands so the last thing I want to do is wash my hands and wipe them on a towel that was just used to wipe up something sticky on the floor. The sticky is probably from that last paper towel on the damn roll.

Unnecessary commentary. I take some of the shows that I watch a little too seriously at times…Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Top Chef. I let my husband talk all he wants while my patience wears thin but when something big is about to happen, like it’s the last two minutes of a show and somebody is about to be kicked off, I’m hoping for quiet but he’s still talking. I use the closed captioning on the television most of the time but it’s not the same as actually hearing Padma say “Please pack your knives and go.”

He’s REALLY bad when it comes to award shows which I look forward to all year I have no life. He’ll watch some of them with me and it takes all I have to try and not go all stabby on his ass. He’ll constantly be asking things like “Who’s that?” or “What movies have they been in?” and then I end up having to explain things to him which causes me to almost miss really super important things like the arrival of Mark Rufflalo. After all the years we’ve been together and with my vast knowledge of all things celebrity, I’ve obviously taught him nothing.*sniff*

This is funny now, although at the time I felt like duct taping his mouth, but when Natalie Portman won, my husband was asking me eleventy billion questions. Him: Didn’t she used to be a singer? Me: No, you’re thinking of Natalie Maines. Him: Are you sure that’s not her. Maines could have been her maiden name. Me: No, they’re two different people. More than one Natalie can actually exist. Him: Are you sure? It looks like her. Me: They look nothing alike. Him: Well does Natalie Portman sing?

All of this took place when Natalie Portman got up from her seat and walked on stage. Since my husband continued talking when she started her acceptance speech, I knew I had to take drastic measures so I gave him the hand. I excluded the one finger salute even though that finger was saying please, please, please use me. After I used the hand he got all pouty. When her speech was over, I let him continue his game of Natalie Portman vs. Natalie Maines because even though I want to strangle him 25 percent of the time, I do love this crazy man.

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13 Responses to When husbands annoy but you can’t strangle them because of dumb laws.

  1. Samantha March 10, 2011 at 07:53 #

    holy crap, i think you and i are married to the same man…or possibly just twins that were separated at birth. for instance, last night, i asked hubby to put away dinner. he managed to put away only half of dinner, leaving the taco meat, taco shells and taco sauce out to go bad. why? i have no freaking clue. neither does he.

    paper towels? it’s not too bad except for the fact that he goes through paper towels like they’re free. i’ve resorted to salvaging his used paper towels from the counter (and even the garbage) so that i can wipe down the counters with them.

    the dish towel? drives me insane. he always takes it and then leaves it wherever he last was in the house…the couch, the bathroom, the dining table…

    the tv? holy crap. holy crap. why does he only want to talk to me when i’m watching something? one question for you: please tell me that you have tivo or dvr. please…if not, you need to get this as soon as possible. i think it has saved our marriage. this way when he decides that he wants to talk just as a fight is erupting on the real housewives of jersey, i can pause it and rewind it. i don’t miss a thing.

    can’t wait to hear about your upcoming visit with the inlaws! i have to go to mine next weekend…lord help me.

    • Elle March 13, 2011 at 19:41 #

      I do have a dvr and when I rewind because of his talking he either a) gets annoyed or b) keeps on talking. grrr! 😉

  2. Maile March 10, 2011 at 09:36 #

    My husband is constantly using the kitchen towel to wipe up messes!!! I HATE IT!!!

    He also likes to go on and on about how I’m not clean enough and our house is a mess, etc, etc… From the man who throw garbage into kitchen sink instead of e trashcan under the sink… Dumps dirty and CLEAN dishes into the sink with the trash and the fills the sink to soak making the clean dishes now completely dirty… The dishwasher is right next to the sink!!! Put dishes in!! Crumbs do not need to be soaked off!!

    And when cooking manages to use the blender, food processor, kitchen aid mixer, rice cooker, and 2-3 pans… And when doing something simple like making himself a sandwich manages to leave all the food out on the counter to get gross… Mustard usually still open. And I am constantly wiping coffee and red wine splatter off the counter and floor… I don’t drink either one! Boooooo!!!

    • Elle March 13, 2011 at 19:50 #

      My hubby also leaves food out when he makes something and it drives me crazy.

  3. Elle March 10, 2011 at 11:05 #

    Men are not the smartest creatures on the planet. It is because of the above examples, that I wholeheartedly believe I was given all boys for a very specific reason; to change men.

    • Elle March 13, 2011 at 19:46 #

      Lol! I hope you succeed. 🙂

  4. Mcai7td3 March 10, 2011 at 12:01 #

    Haha I love the oscars including the whole red carpet thing and looking at everyones outfits. My OH can’t understand it at all. oh and toilet paper …. Arrrgh!

    • Elle March 13, 2011 at 19:52 #

      Luckily we have seperate bathrooms in our current house so I don’t have to deal my husband leaving one shredded piece on the roll. 😉

  5. Leighann March 11, 2011 at 07:31 #

    It has to be a man thing and laziness that bleads to leaving the last piece on the roll.
    I have a chatty Cathy too.

    • Elle March 13, 2011 at 19:54 #

      My hubby is a man of few words so I don’t get why he always wants to start talking right when something is about to happen on a show.

  6. Mandi March 13, 2011 at 17:49 #

    The tv thing? Why do they always talk at the exact part you wanted to see? And then you rewind, and rewind, and sometimes have to even a third time!

    • Elle March 13, 2011 at 19:45 #

      My guy does the same thing when I rewind. Then I think I’ll just play something back when he’s not around but I usually forget about it.

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    […] was I? Oh yeah, most of what I write is, well, a lot a little weird and different. Wanting to strangle my hubby for unneccessary comments while watching television, strange things my daughter puts in my shoe, poopy diapers, toddler […]

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