My husband is my rock and I love him beyond words but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to strangle him 15 percent of the time. Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s probably more like 25 percent of the time. We’ve been together for over 16 years so we’ve become experts at annoying each other.
I annoy him by being a gossip magazine hoarder, watching television in bed (although he’s the one who got me a flat screen t.v. for the bedroom on my birthday a few months ago), it takes me forever to unpack when we move, I’m allergic to cooking and cleaning, I ramble on about celebrity gossip, and my favorite sayings are “You’ve gotta be kidding me?” or “You can’t be serious?! whether it has to do with something that’s good or bad.
That last part might not be annoying him as much anymore since he’s saying those frequently. When I told him I have a blog troll he said “You’ve gotta be kidding me?! Obviously this person doesn’t know what my parents are like. Let’s send them to her for a few days.”
The following are just a few things that he does or else this post might become a novella. To the outside world, these annoying things can seem really lame but when you’re with someone day after day after day, it can make you feel stabby.
When migraines attack. He knows that the two things I need when I have a migraine are quiet and to have it be dark. Since we can’t black out the windows, all I ask is that he keeps the blinds closed. Simple, right? Not for my husband. He goes through the house opening up all of the blinds and I’m stumbling around with sunglasses on inside the house like a drunken vampire. I close the blinds while cursing at him under my breath only to have him open them up again.
Paper towel patrol. He loves to leave one paper towel left on the roll. The one that has that icky glue all over it. If I see that sheet from hell left on the roll, I’ll get a new roll but then he gets annoyed since I’m not using the last one. When I’ve used the last sheet to wipe my face and hands, I feel like I’ve made out with tree sap. We also use kitchen towels but he uses them for everything and I’m kind of OCD when it comes to having clean hands so the last thing I want to do is wash my hands and wipe them on a towel that was just used to wipe up something sticky on the floor. The sticky is probably from that last paper towel on the damn roll.
Unnecessary commentary. I take some of the shows that I watch a little too seriously at times…Project Runway, The Real Housewives, Top Chef. I let my husband talk all he wants while my patience wears thin but when something big is about to happen, like it’s the last two minutes of a show and somebody is about to be kicked off, I’m hoping for quiet but he’s still talking. I use the closed captioning on the television most of the time but it’s not the same as actually hearing Padma say “Please pack your knives and go.”
He’s REALLY bad when it comes to award shows which I look forward to all year
I have no life. He’ll watch some of them with me and it takes all I have to try and not go all stabby on his ass. He’ll constantly be asking things like “Who’s that?” or “What movies have they been in?” and then I end up having to explain things to him which causes me to almost miss really super important things like the arrival of Mark Rufflalo. After all the years we’ve been together and with my vast knowledge of all things celebrity, I’ve obviously taught him nothing.*sniff*
This is funny now, although at the time I felt like duct taping his mouth, but when Natalie Portman won, my husband was asking me eleventy billion questions. Him: Didn’t she used to be a singer? Me: No, you’re thinking of Natalie Maines. Him: Are you sure that’s not her. Maines could have been her maiden name. Me: No, they’re two different people. More than one Natalie can actually exist. Him: Are you sure? It looks like her. Me: They look nothing alike. Him: Well does Natalie Portman sing?
All of this took place when Natalie Portman got up from her seat and walked on stage. Since my husband continued talking when she started her acceptance speech, I knew I had to take drastic measures so I gave him the hand. I excluded the one finger salute even though that finger was saying please, please, please use me. After I used the hand he got all pouty. When her speech was over, I let him continue his game of Natalie Portman vs. Natalie Maines because even though I want to strangle him 25 percent of the time, I do love this crazy man.