Blah.

*I’ve decided to not even read this back or else I know I won’t post it. I’ve learned that writing can help to let go of things that have been eating away at me, like my in-laws.  ;^)

I feel like I’ve been in an emotional minefield since late October. Around that time is the anniversary of when I’ve lost a few people I love so it leaves me feeling down every year. In December my aunt passed away about a week before Christmas and that was really difficult to deal with. In January I had sinus surgery and although it was minor, it left me very anxious. I’m a pessimist and despite it being a simple procedure, it had me in a panic because I was thinking of the worst that could happen.

It also took me longer to recover because of a complication and I was feeling like a horrible mother at the time. When we lost our cat a few weeks ago, that we’ve had for nearly 15 years, that seemed to put me over the edge.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for years. About 6 years ago the anxiety got the best of me and it turned into depression. We had just moved which is always hard despite being a military wife. I’ve had to “start over” about 8 times since my husband has been in the Navy.

I felt so bad, I was in bed for almost a week. Even after that, I spent a lot of time in bed and didn’t want to deal with the outside world. I’ve had therapy and was put on medication but after trying several kinds, I hated the way the meds made me feel. Depression left me exhausted as it was, I didn’t need something else to add to that. There were 1 or 2 meds that didn’t have those side effects but they didn’t help with the depression and anxiety I was dealing with.

It took a few years but I slowly came out of it. It’s left me more aware of the signs and I don’t want to get to that point again. Since November I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not I’m just dealing with the stress and normal worries that go along with the things I’ve been going through or if I’m sliding back into a place I don’t want to be

As of now I do feel like it’s just normal sadness and grief but I have been looking into therapy just in case. I know it won’t hurt to see someone, even if I don’t think I’m depressed, since I still deal with anxiety on a regular basis. One thing I would prefer is to not have to take SSRI’s again. I know it can help so many people but for me, the side effects were much worse than what I was taking the medication for. I feel much more comfortable using anti-anxiety medication only when needed. With that said, I would be willing to consider an SSRI med. Some of them did help and maybe the side effects won’t be as bad as before or there are new ones out now that I haven’t tried yet.

One problem I’ve been having is I prefer seeing a psychologist (but they can’t prescribe medication, they can only suggest it, which won’t make a difference with my very stubborn doctor). I don’t care for psychiatrists but my primary doctor is against prescribing ANY antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds so that leaves me stuck having to see a psychiatrist (since they can prescribe meds) if I decide I want to give medication another go. I had an awful experience when I saw a psychiatrist years ago and while I know not all of them will be like the one I had, I feel much more comfortable with the approach that psychologists take.

I can’t change my primary doctor right now since some of my medical things are tied up with him and need to be resolved first. Long story short, the damage has to be repaired from the doctors I had previously that made a few misdiagnosis and did unnecessary surgery. Like how for over a year my sinuses were completely blocked and I was in agony but these so-called doctors told me there wasn’t “anything wrong and I should just blow my nose”. Grrr.  

My primary is a good doctor except for not wanting to prescribe medication for anything which come to think of it, makes him kind of crappy. He has a great physician assistant on staff who gave me a one time prescription for anti-anxiety meds but I know he won’t prescribe it again. The P.A. even said when I first asked him that because of my doctor’s stance on those meds, he’s not allowed to prescribe them but he went ahead and did it the one time. I’m sure my crying swayed him.

There’s been more added stress and anxiety because my in-laws are visiting. It’s so hard to really put into words just how bad my mother-in-law can be. I may come off as a loud mouth on my blog but I hate confrontation and I’m normally a quiet person (except around my hubby and mom) so when the in-laws visit, I keep my mouth shut. It’s not like I challenge my MIL to a cage match as soon as she walks in the door.

For the first 12 years of my marriage I let my MIL walk all over me and never said anything to her about it. I just did the proper thing and bitched about it to my mom and husband. 🙂 When I was pregnant with my daughter, I noticed her behavior towards me became worse. I still didn’t talk back to her but it made me realize the way she treats me wasn’t just in my head, she loves to be mean.

While I was pregnant, my in-laws visited us 2 or 3 times and my MIL would have the attitude that I was always being awful to my husband. He would be the one who would offer to help me and get my jacket or offer to get me something to drink. My MIL would make asshat comments and tell me I need to stop being so controlling. Just because my hubby comes over to help me when he sees me trying to get up off of the couch at 34 weeks pregnant, I’m controlling?!

After the little hummingbird was born, my mother-in-law’s attitude towards me has become more hostile. She completely ignores the fact that I’m the hummingbird’s mother and likes to stress that at least our daughter has such a great father. While I don’t tell her to eff off like I really want to, I do have more courage to disagree with something she says.

Just an example…when we were living on the east coast she visited a couple of times in the Fall and Winter. She would want to take my daughter, who was around six months old, out for a walk and there were a few times I thought it was just too cold and told her I rather not have the little hummingbird go outside. Of course she would have such a lovely attitude towards me after that NOT. Now I just think screw her, I’m the mom so I have every right to have my say. Before I had my daughter, I would be afraid to rock the boat so I would never saying anything.

The next 4 days will be filled with all kinds of her passive-aggressive crap so there might be times I’ll go on Twitter and be ranty. I hope I make it until Monday….

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19 Responses to Blah.

  1. Alexandra March 18, 2011 at 05:35 #

    I’m so sorry to hear this.

    I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but I have an awful MIL, too.

    We don’t speak at all.

    She makes comments out loud, to the air, on how difficult I make things.

    I told her once, very politely, that the world is full of different kinds of people, who all do things differently. I told her that just b/c I did things in a different manner than she would, does not mean I’m doing it wrong.

    She began to yell.

    For me, I know, she is very disappointed in who her husband married.

    But that’s her issue. Not mine.

    I say stand up for yourself. She counts on you taking her crap.

    You are an adult, she is a GUEST in your home. Set the boundaries, let her accept the consequences, and realize that she will NEVER be the MIL you wish for.

    Accept that, let the dream of a loving relationship die, and don’t waste any MORE ENERGY on what is her issue.

    Good luck.

    • Elle March 18, 2011 at 08:35 #

      That’s awful and I cringe when I hear how other MIL’s treat their daughter-in-laws. I never thought about my MIL expecting me to not react. I’ve got to do something because even though I know their visits will always leave me miserable no matter what I do, I would feel much better if I did stand up for myself more.

      That’s another good idea you have, “realize that she will NEVER be the MIL you wish for”. I’m always hoping she will miraculously change from one visit to the next but need to get it in my mind that whatever I do, she’ll never like who her son married.

  2. Sara March 18, 2011 at 08:04 #

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this! If your MIL gives you crap, I’ll fly out there and punch her in the face. Deal? Also, sorry I haven’t been in communication about your banner. I’m working on it and hope to have it done sometime this weekend. 🙂 I hope you get to feeling better soon.

    • Elle March 18, 2011 at 08:38 #

      I’m taking you up on that punch to her face, even if you have to send out punch vibes. 😉 I can’t wait to see the banner!

  3. Jennifer G. March 18, 2011 at 10:43 #

    Oh no, another MIL visit! Remember that hummingbird is your child and MIL is in your home. Yours. You make the rules and if she makes comments because she doesn’t like something, PLEASE let it go in one ear and out the other. Please try to let it go and don’t let yourself get upset. MIL is apparently not worth it! With every comment she makes just take a deep breath, let it go and don’t dwell on it. Tell yourself that you are a great person and a great mom and it’s not worth your time to suffer from her negativity.
    Or… picture yourself in that cage match, kicking her MIL behind all over the place. And smile as you picture the butt-whoopin!
    Good luck!

    • Elle March 18, 2011 at 14:45 #

      I’ll try and not let her nasty comments get to me and if that doesn’t work I’ll actually turn my living room into a cage match. 😛

  4. neeroc March 18, 2011 at 20:31 #

    Sorry to hear about the MIL visit. Hope you have the support you need to make it through.

  5. Sarah M. March 18, 2011 at 20:46 #

    I totally understand doctors misdiagnosing and screwing things up. Two years ago when my husband was in the Navy when I had acute lower back pain that came on over a matter of weeks, and it took them TWO MONTHS to figure out what was the problem, all because Tricare wouldn’t pay for the MRI my primary dr. ordered the first time, and downgraded it to a CT scan because it was cheaper. Cheaper! I spent two months in such agony that I could hardly get out of bed, and was walking with a cane at 29 years old… and they were sending me to pain management classes, and physical therapy, doping me on oxycodone, and acting like it was in my head because the CT scan didn’t show what the MRI they finally ponied up for after two months did… that I had a tumor and needed surgery. That’s when I lost my faith in doctors knowing everything. 😛

    I also have total anxiety issues (not that I’ve ever seen a dr. about it, though I suppose I should) and hate conflict, which is hard because hubby apparently loves conflict. I spend a lot of time cringing while he goes off on people who irritate him (which is everyone). lol.

    • Elle March 20, 2011 at 18:35 #

      What you went through is horrible. I could go on about all the things that Tricare has done but I’ll spare you. ;)Years ago I used to leave a doctor’s office feeling better but now I usually leave feeling frustrated and stabby.

  6. themomsmith March 18, 2011 at 22:44 #

    I’m sorry deary. I dated someone once whose father hated me with a passion. I mean, me? Really? I’m so likable! And so are you. Like others have said — it’s her issue – not yours. I know you might not be able to come right out and tell them how you feel but maybe start dropping hints during conversations — I think your FIL was talking about his shoes for an hour? Say you read something about how they cause cancer of the toe. MIL ignores your wishes? Bake a cake and serve it to her. After she’s done ask your husband if he meant to put the rat poison right next to the flour. I mean, I’m not encouraging you to cause them harm or anything but just make them think it’s *possible*. Maybe they’ll be a little nicer. If not, maybe they just won’t come around as often. Either way? You win. Unless you go to jail for threatening to poison them. Then you would lose. And me too, possibly for being an accomplice. Maybe just don’t listen to me. Ever.

    • Elle March 20, 2011 at 18:37 #

      A nice rat poison cake would be the perfect thing for my MIL. 😛

  7. Samantha March 19, 2011 at 09:07 #

    ugh…that’s all i can say is ugh, ugh, ugh…

    i feel like everything i read of yours i just sit here and think…yup, been there, thought that.

    i’m at my MIL’s right now with my hubs and 6-month-old. someone save me!!! i’m ready to beat hubs to a pulp because every time i have him hold the 6-monther, he hands him off to MIL…not okay.

    and doctors…don’t even get me started. over the last three years i have learned that 95% of them are completely incompetent, and i have a lot of bitterness and resentment towards them. when i was young, my grandfather died because they ignored his complaints and obvious signs of a blood clot. they could have killed me three years ago by failing to listen to me and missing a raging case of preeclampsia. two years ago they tried to send me home from the er, telling me i had a virus. i insisted that something was really wrong…finally they figured out that i was septic. i don’t understand why they refuse to listen to patients. what makes them think that THEY know how i feel better than i do. i’m not an idiot or a hypercondriac…i’ve had some really insane shit happen to me, and i know my body and have become very in tune with how i physically feel.

    i wish i had something useful to say about your primary not prescribing a med. i’ve heard of many people seeing a psychiatrist on a limited basis basically to just get their meds, and then seeing a psychologist on a regular basis for non-pharmacological therapy. that might be a possibility?

    i hope you can survive this weekend relatively intact. i say use the hummingbird as much as you can to get away 🙂 for instance, i’ve got the 6-monther sleeping in my arms right now in another room…geez, sorry, he needs a quiet nap and can only get to sleep if i’m holding him…i’ll see you in a few hours…

    • Elle March 20, 2011 at 18:44 #

      I wish doctors would get it in their heads that people know their bodies, so if we say something isn’t right they need to listen. It really is terrifying how imcompetent doctors can be. I want to give you big hugs for all that you’ve put up with from them.

      I love your idea about just getting meds from a psychiatrist but seeing a psychologist. I’ll cross my fingers and hope that my insurance will go for that.

  8. Mandi March 19, 2011 at 20:03 #

    I’m with Samantha – ugh, ugh, ugh. Sorry you are having to deal with your MIL right now 🙁
    I hope you get everything figured out and don’t have too much crazy in-law drama to deal with.. seriously, write it all out.

    • Elle March 20, 2011 at 18:46 #

      Thank you, Mandi! My MIL has really been at her worst this time around.

  9. I’m ready to go on a crusade for you to defend you against incompetent quacks and the ridiculousness of the medical industry – and mother in laws.

    You will survive this weekend – rant away as needed.

    Let me know if an ass kicking is required.

    • Samantha March 20, 2011 at 17:51 #

      i don’t know you, but can i get in on that crusade too? or can you just make a stop at my doctors and MIL’s place on the way 🙂

    • Elle March 20, 2011 at 18:47 #

      @Scream You’re welcome to kick some ass! 😛

      @Samantha I can say with certainty that I need some ass kicking right about now so your welcome to join the crusade. 😀

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