*I’ve decided to not even read this back or else I know I won’t post it. I’ve learned that writing can help to let go of things that have been eating away at me, like my in-laws. ;^)
I feel like I’ve been in an emotional minefield since late October. Around that time is the anniversary of when I’ve lost a few people I love so it leaves me feeling down every year. In December my aunt passed away about a week before Christmas and that was really difficult to deal with. In January I had sinus surgery and although it was minor, it left me very anxious. I’m a pessimist and despite it being a simple procedure, it had me in a panic because I was thinking of the worst that could happen.
It also took me longer to recover because of a complication and I was feeling like a horrible mother at the time. When we lost our cat a few weeks ago, that we’ve had for nearly 15 years, that seemed to put me over the edge.
I’ve been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for years. About 6 years ago the anxiety got the best of me and it turned into depression. We had just moved which is always hard despite being a military wife. I’ve had to “start over” about 8 times since my husband has been in the Navy.
I felt so bad, I was in bed for almost a week. Even after that, I spent a lot of time in bed and didn’t want to deal with the outside world. I’ve had therapy and was put on medication but after trying several kinds, I hated the way the meds made me feel. Depression left me exhausted as it was, I didn’t need something else to add to that. There were 1 or 2 meds that didn’t have those side effects but they didn’t help with the depression and anxiety I was dealing with.
It took a few years but I slowly came out of it. It’s left me more aware of the signs and I don’t want to get to that point again. Since November I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not I’m just dealing with the stress and normal worries that go along with the things I’ve been going through or if I’m sliding back into a place I don’t want to be
As of now I do feel like it’s just normal sadness and grief but I have been looking into therapy just in case. I know it won’t hurt to see someone, even if I don’t think I’m depressed, since I still deal with anxiety on a regular basis. One thing I would prefer is to not have to take SSRI’s again. I know it can help so many people but for me, the side effects were much worse than what I was taking the medication for. I feel much more comfortable using anti-anxiety medication only when needed. With that said, I would be willing to consider an SSRI med. Some of them did help and maybe the side effects won’t be as bad as before or there are new ones out now that I haven’t tried yet.
One problem I’ve been having is I prefer seeing a psychologist (but they can’t prescribe medication, they can only suggest it, which won’t make a difference with my very stubborn doctor). I don’t care for psychiatrists but my primary doctor is against prescribing ANY antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds so that leaves me stuck having to see a psychiatrist (since they can prescribe meds) if I decide I want to give medication another go. I had an awful experience when I saw a psychiatrist years ago and while I know not all of them will be like the one I had, I feel much more comfortable with the approach that psychologists take.
I can’t change my primary doctor right now since some of my medical things are tied up with him and need to be resolved first. Long story short, the damage has to be repaired from the doctors I had previously that made a few misdiagnosis and did unnecessary surgery. Like how for over a year my sinuses were completely blocked and I was in agony but these so-called doctors told me there wasn’t “anything wrong and I should just blow my nose”. Grrr.
My primary is a good doctor except for not wanting to prescribe medication for anything which come to think of it, makes him kind of crappy. He has a great physician assistant on staff who gave me a one time prescription for anti-anxiety meds but I know he won’t prescribe it again. The P.A. even said when I first asked him that because of my doctor’s stance on those meds, he’s not allowed to prescribe them but he went ahead and did it the one time. I’m sure my crying swayed him.
There’s been more added stress and anxiety because my in-laws are visiting. It’s so hard to really put into words just how bad my mother-in-law can be. I may come off as a loud mouth on my blog but I hate confrontation and I’m normally a quiet person (except around my hubby and mom) so when the in-laws visit, I keep my mouth shut. It’s not like I challenge my MIL to a cage match as soon as she walks in the door.
For the first 12 years of my marriage I let my MIL walk all over me and never said anything to her about it. I just did the proper thing and bitched about it to my mom and husband. 🙂 When I was pregnant with my daughter, I noticed her behavior towards me became worse. I still didn’t talk back to her but it made me realize the way she treats me wasn’t just in my head, she loves to be mean.
While I was pregnant, my in-laws visited us 2 or 3 times and my MIL would have the attitude that I was always being awful to my husband. He would be the one who would offer to help me and get my jacket or offer to get me something to drink. My MIL would make asshat comments and tell me I need to stop being so controlling. Just because my hubby comes over to help me when he sees me trying to get up off of the couch at 34 weeks pregnant, I’m controlling?!
After the little hummingbird was born, my mother-in-law’s attitude towards me has become more hostile. She completely ignores the fact that I’m the hummingbird’s mother and likes to stress that at least our daughter has such a great father. While I don’t tell her to eff off like I really want to, I do have more courage to disagree with something she says.
Just an example…when we were living on the east coast she visited a couple of times in the Fall and Winter. She would want to take my daughter, who was around six months old, out for a walk and there were a few times I thought it was just too cold and told her I rather not have the little hummingbird go outside. Of course she would have such a lovely attitude towards me after that
NOT. Now I just think screw her, I’m the mom so I have every right to have my say. Before I had my daughter, I would be afraid to rock the boat so I would never saying anything.
The next 4 days will be filled with all kinds of her passive-aggressive crap so there might be times I’ll go on Twitter and be ranty. I hope I make it until Monday….