Slowly step away and nobody gets hurt.

Dear Mom,

I know that you now have like 800 channels and I’m the one who talked you into getting a DVR so you would never miss anything but please slooowly step away from your television.

It’s hard but I know you can do it.

There was that movie you told me I just had to watch with the penis that becomes detached from some dude’s body and goes on a killing rampage and when I asked you if it was a porno you said “oh no, it’s nothing like that” and then when I watched this movie, I saw that Ron Jeremy was in it which means it totally was. The joke was on me.

A killer penis and Ron Jeremy? Thanks mom. Now I have to bleach my brain.

I asked what else you’ve been watching and when you told me, I about toppled over and died which is pretty much impossible for me to do considering I inherited my crazy personality from you.

Every time I talk to you, you tell me that you’ve watched like 100 movies in the past few days and here I’m stuck watching the Sprout channel all day long with Caillou, singing muppets, dancing mice, and creepy trains that have eyes. Then you ask what recent movies I’ve seen. What a way to push the knife in deeper.

With the exception of watching the Royal Wedding, you have to start reading the book you started before I did and that I started reading because you were but now you aren’t reading because of television. I’m up to page 840 now and you’re still on page 112ish…since February.

I have 200 more pages to go and at this rate, by the time you finish the book, I’ll probably have read it a few more times. So put the remote down and make a dent in your book so we can talk about Under The Dome. I’ve already predicted what’s likely going to be one of the discussions.

You: Sweetie, remember that part where that guy did that thing? Me: You mean that guy who did that big thing or the other guy? You: Let me think. It was the guy who did that thing. Me: Um, mom that’s not helping. What was his name? You: Hmmm….I’m not sure but it was that guy who did that thing at that place. Oh, his name was Bill. Me: You mean Dale. You: Yeah, that’s the guy. Now, what did he do?

See how awesome our conversations are. That’s why you need to start reading the book again.

You totally didn’t think I would write this did you? I told you I would. 😀 Of course you knew I wrote this because I called you and read this to you before I posted it.


Your smartass daughter

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7 Responses to Slowly step away and nobody gets hurt.

  1. misslexywoo May 1, 2011 at 01:11 #

    Hahaha just been falling around the place laughing!!! Sounds just like my dad! Always in front of the telly!
    A killer willy?!?! HAHAHAHA worst porn ever it must be!!!!

    • Elle May 1, 2011 at 12:34 #

      Yeah, I think I created a monster when it comes to my mom. She just had basic cable before she moved but besides telling her she just has to get a DVR, I also talked her into getting all of those channels.

      I like the killer willy over the killer penis. Now I’m cracking up and you know what that means. Peeing myself. 😉 Yay for mommyhood! Lol!

  2. Mom May 2, 2011 at 18:49 #

    Ok its time to get back to the book but Oh No wait. Myra & Jack make a porno movie is coming on. Wellll maybe after this one.

    • Elle May 2, 2011 at 20:58 #

      Haha! You mean Zack & Miri.

  3. Ryan Ann July 9, 2011 at 21:25 #

    ONE EYED MONSTER!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! My hubby convinced me to watch that a while back! That was a pretty….. ummmmmmmm….. messed up movie, to say the least. LMAO

    Now, Zack & Miri? Totally Loved it. But then again, I’d take Seth Rogen over Ron Jeremy AAAANY day!

    • Elle July 14, 2011 at 22:12 #

      Omg, you’re awesome. You’re the only person who knew what movie I was talking about. Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing. heehee 😀 I have to tell my mom, she’ll love that.


  1. 32 Flavors and then some. | This Is Mommyhood - August 19, 2011

    […] I expect nothing less than a dirty joke from my mom since that’s how she rolls. But I’m predicting her to tell me that she can’t think of any right now or sucks at jokes despite being an expert about a movie with a killer penis. […]

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