SOC Sunday: Between a rock and a hard place.

It’s that time again for Fadra’s Stream of Consciousness Sunday. I have 5 minutes to write and have to post this without proofreading or spellchecking. And go!
#SOCsundayI’ve been having the hardest time with this and surprisingly haven’t said a lot about it on my blog. Unless things fall through like they did in December, I’ll be seeing my biological father aka sperm donor in a month. He really doesn’t deserve the title of father.

My mom left him before I was a year old and I didn’t meet him until I was 9. His call was completely out of the blue.

He called my maternal grandfather first who then called me. I’ll never forget that night. I was watching E/R with George Clooney. It wasn’t the ER that spent years on air but was a thirty minute comedy that obviously didn’t last long.

My mom had already married my stepdad at that point but I was so excited that I would finally be meeting my father. While he seemed to attempt be one at first, there was so much drama and when I decided to move to Los Angeles to live with him a few years later, all hell broke loose.

The last time I saw him was 19 years ago and for good reason.

My biological dad has schizophrenia and a lot of other issues. The biggest problem is that he always stops his meds, starts drinking, and his nose turns into a hoover vaccuum. Sometimes these episodes end with someone having to call the cops and having him placed in a psychiatric ward.

Then he promises that he’s going to stay on track but he always goes through the same cycle. I saw so much at such a young age. Not only that, my (now former) stepmother was just as unstable as he was.

He’s not coming just to see me in June. His girlfriend’s parents live nearby so I know I could easily not see my “sperm donor” when he comes to visit but I’m hoping it will bring some kind of closure.

While my husband is going along with this, he’s not at all happy about meeting my bio dad or even having me be around him. He knows everything that went on when I was living with him. The psychotic episodes, the drugs, the violence. So I don’t blame him but I have to do this although I’m f’ing terrified.

~~~

Want to try Stream Of Conciousness Sunday?

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
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7 Responses to SOC Sunday: Between a rock and a hard place.

  1. Marianna Annadanna May 1, 2011 at 13:36 #

    Nice job.
    I do that kind of writing all the time but rarely post it. I’ll think about it for next time.
    Good luck with the visit. 🙂

  2. dysfunctional mom May 1, 2011 at 15:18 #

    It’s so sad when kids have to deal with adult issues. It sounds like it was rough on you, and I hope that somehow this visit helps you.

  3. Jana A May 1, 2011 at 18:18 #

    I hope the meeting goes well. I’m sure it’s got to be terrifying. Sending love and positive thoughts your way.

  4. thepsychobabble May 1, 2011 at 18:31 #

    Well, I can certainly see WHY that was on your mind:p
    Heavy stuff. I’m afraid I’m fresh out of wise words (I say that like I had any to start with *snort*) but good luck in your decision.

  5. Wombat Central May 1, 2011 at 19:21 #

    You’re a brave lady. Hope it goes well for you… nice that you hubby is on board with it (albeit reluctantly). Good luck.

  6. alishayarbrough May 1, 2011 at 19:43 #

    much, much peace & love from someone who has been in a similar situation. you are very brave for writing it out!

  7. Fadra May 6, 2011 at 15:04 #

    I know this game. I’ve had my own twists of fate with my family but nothing like yours. You recognize that just because someone donated sperm, it doesn’t make them a father. That’s an earned title. My own father came to my wedding but I did not have him walk me down the aisle. It was my decision and one that cost me but I don’t regret it.

    Kudos to you for having an open heart. Whether you meet with him for his sake or yours, I think you’ll get some of the closure you need.

    (P.S. I was estranged from my father for 7 1/2 years, gave him another chance, and he came back a changed man).

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