Sometimes I feel like I have to be Mommie Dearest but without the wire hangers and all the other psycho things. Maybe I’m more like Dina Lohan. Oh gawd, nevermind. I’ll take Mommie Dearest.

*When I wrote this yesterday, I was feeling frustrated. I was actually writing something else but ended up with this post because I needed to vent. It’s not like my husband and I are at odds 24/7 but as you know, when you’re in a relationship, that person can get on your damn nerves. :^) I spellchecked the post but I only glanced at what I wrote, otherwise I wouldn’t have hit publish.

Before we had our daughter, I used to think I would be the softie and my husband would be the disciplinarian. I know the universe is laughing at me now as well as the younger me inside my head, which oddly has the Ha Ha laugh of Nelson from The Simpsons, because I have to be the hard ass parent and it sucks.

Since I overshare, my hubby and I are kind of driving each other crazy lately. He still doesn’t understand what I’m going through with this bout of depression I’ve been having and doesn’t even try to understand. I guess you could say we’re going through some growing pains right now but without Boner.

Not my hubby’s boner, I don’t overshare that much although I easily could, but Boner from that 80’s show Growing Pains. Really?! producers and writing people for that show? What the hell were you people thinking when it came to naming that dude Boner? My best friend at the time had a huge crush on Kirk Cameron and I went along with it but I was majorly crushing on Johnny Depp and I still do to this day. But he’s gotten just a tad odd for me and that’s why Mark Ruffalo has kindly stepped in to take his place.

Anyway…

Growing pains, yeah, my hubby and I are going through them but his boner is fine thank you very much. We met about 2 weeks after I turned 20, married 5-ish months later and our 16 year wedding anniversary is coming up in July. If you’re doing the math, do bad math so then you can figure my age to be about 26.

Marriage is fucking hard at times. I’m happy for the couples who skip around arm in arm, are so in love all the time, and say everything is fan-fucking-tastic but I know marriage can be something you have to work at.

When our daughter was born there’s no doubt my husband and I became closer than ever but at the same time it can get harder because it’s so easy to lose yourself in your child and put your relationship on the back burner.

Yes, I love being a stay at home mom and my husband is awesome but that doesn’t mean I don’t go batshit crazy sometimes. When my husband is home from work on the weekends, our house can be chaotic.

He gets up with the hummingbird on the weekends so I can sleep in although this right here is me sleeping in. My hubby gets up really early during the week so he considers waking up at 7 am sleeping in.

He usually takes the hummingbird out in the morning and when I walk downstairs and see the tornado size mess that’s been made, I feel like a Southern Belle in a tight corset during a heat wave that just found out her husband has been cheating on her with her sister.

Translation: I feel faint, my knees are wobbly, and I want to run my hubby over with a horse-drawn carriage.

His excuse for all of the messiness is he’s so occupied with our little girl so he doesn’t have time to pick things up. Um, I do it all the time. Our house isn’t sparkly clean but even though I have little time with a toddler, I still manage to pick up.

A few weeks ago the little hummingbird was eating string cheese and she took too big of a bite. She wasn’t choking but my hubby took his finger and knocked some of the cheese out of her mouth which landed on the couch and then walked away leaving slobbery cheese on the couch which I had to pick up. Ugh!

Since this post is so long, here's a hummingbird break. I like to call this the "fireman yoga" pose.

When I was pregnant, my hubby and I would talk about the big issues when it came to raising our daughter. What we didn’t even think of at the time were the small daily issues that can come up. Most of the issues are food related.

I’ve actually had to tell my husband that giving the hummingbird Flipside crackers and cashews is not considered dinner. That was one of his dinner choices for her when I was having a migraine and was upstairs in bed. Gah!

The most common dilemma we have is he doesn’t think that she needs to have her food cut up. I have to remind him that she’s not some wild dog despite her acting like one at times and because the last thing you’d want to do it give a 2-year-old a knife, we have to cut her food up for her. I know it sounds so dumb but it can be frustrating as hell to always be reminding him of this stuff.

My hubby loves our daughter to bits and is very hands on so when it comes to dinner and since he’s been gone all day, he likes to take over and I try to keep my mouth shut but when he gives her food that’s almost as big as her head, like half a Belgian waffle, but doesn’t cut it up, I have to step in which ends up annoying him.

My daughter has been using a fork for quite awhile so she gives us this look like “hello, how do you think I’m going to eat this ginormous thing?”  The hubby thinks she can just pick it up with her hands but I’ll mention that she’s capable of using utensils and Omg, I know I’m totally boring you right now.

We go through this several times a week and I know that there’s a solution. He just needs to listen to me. Problem solved. Heh.

There are times when I feel like Mommie Dearest but not the house of horrors version. I have to be stern and discipline my little girl because my hubby is mostly afraid to. His response is usually “But she likes doing this.”

When it comes to her behavior, I’m thinking of the long term so that’s why I like to try and change it now instead of having it become a bigger problem later on. It doesn’t help that the hummingbird is a daddy’s girl so I end up feeling like the bad guy.

My daughter has been showing that she wants and needs me more and that’s helped with my confidence as a mom because before, I would always question my mommy capabilities since she would always want her dad. It would make me feel like I was doing everything wrong. I can still feel that way but it’s gotten better.

I think she acts this way because I’m there for her all the time but my hubby isn’t so when he’s home, it’s all about daddy. I hate to admit it, okay not really, but I love to hear the hummingbird call out MAAMEEEE when my hubby is with her and I’m in another room.

Another hummingbird break. I call this pic "cute".

When I was whining and complaining talking to my mom recently, I was going on about how during the week there are times I feel overwhelmed when it comes to dealing with the little hummingbird’s tantrums and meltdowns, keeping the house from becoming a disaster zone, keeping my daughter in one piece, and on and on.

Then I was saying how my hubby seems to think it’s easy peasy when he’s home and looking after our little girl and my mom pointed out it’s probably because he lets her do whatever she wants. It was an aha moment for me.  

My mom was telling me that I’m basically raising my daughter the way she raised me and that gave me such a lift. With the exception of my angsty pre-teen and teen years, I felt that my mom was pretty balanced when it came to discipline and although it would embarrass me when I would spend the night at a friend’s house and she would have to speak to their parents beforehand and get their phone number & address if she didn’t have it already, now I completely understand why she did that.

When it comes to the little hummingbird, I’ll probably take her friends fingerprints and run background checks.

When I was younger I thought it was so cool and was envious when I had friends whose moms let them do whatever they wanted but now I really appreciate that my mom was a parent to me and set boundaries.

So while my husband will probably be the cool and laid back parent in our daughter’s eyes, I hope that when she’s older she understands that the reason I did what I did is because I love her so much.

~~~

*Blog of the week yay, I remembered to do it this week: take2mommy. Jennifer is the sweetest and you just have to check out her blog. You can also follow her on twitter: @take2mommy.

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23 Responses to Sometimes I feel like I have to be Mommie Dearest but without the wire hangers and all the other psycho things. Maybe I’m more like Dina Lohan. Oh gawd, nevermind. I’ll take Mommie Dearest.

  1. Sam May 23, 2011 at 00:18 #

    Yes-this exactly! I think this is getting better at my house but it is so hard to be the bad guy. Or the one that has to say “I do all of this plus care for our son & the teen and you can’t spend ten minutes picking up the living room?” !!! I think this post clearly illustrates the difficulty when one spouse stays home-the other one just doesn’t get it.

    • Elle May 23, 2011 at 12:55 #

      That’s exactly how I feel, my hubby just doesn’t get what it’s like day after day.

  2. Wombat Central May 23, 2011 at 04:59 #

    I think most of the kids who had lenient parents growing up are now living in their mom’s basement. Mine was pretty strict, and now that I have my own kids, I’m thinking she was way too casual about our everyday activities. We were gone all day. I know where my kids are every minute. Also, the husband thing. Mine doesn’t think to ask them if they’ve done their homework after dinner, so by the time I get home from my brief stint out scrapbooking or something, I have to drop the hammer and play homework drill sergeant. Then bedtime police. Argh.

    Wish I could give you a hug, lady. Hang in there. You’re a good mama!

    • Elle May 23, 2011 at 12:57 #

      Thank you! That’s the thing about my hubby, he just gives in way too easily, especially at bedtime.

  3. marie May 23, 2011 at 07:41 #

    i love this blogging world. i have been married 4+ years and although it seems like a long time for me. most of my other friends are only in the newlywed phase right now or the we’re pregnant! phase. i loved those times but i wish i had a friend who could tell me that OMG, its hard to muster up the patience sometimes for husband/kids. i really enjoy these posts of people i have never met/probably will never meet(i.e. you) but it makes ME feel better about my life. like i am normal and its okay to want a vacation from the hubby.

    and the food thing must be something moms deal with alot unless you don’t care (and those moms, well, i hate to see your unhealthy kids. its not fair to anyone). i have a 2 & 3 yr old and the food thing gets so old after the first year. plus they are getting picky and then the snacks my hubby gives are inappropriate (popcorn at 4:30pm for a snack is basically dinner for them. thanks for letting me go to the gym but you just re-pissed me off. again.)

    anyways, my point is. i think too many couples and parents want the ideal life (no arguing, agreement on everything, perfect intimacy for both, and money is never a problem) but in real life; all these are issues we deal with daily or weekly. Its SO NICE THAT NOT EVERYONE HAS TO SUGAR COAT THEIR LIVES. i appreciate it. and i get it 🙂

    • Elle May 23, 2011 at 13:10 #

      It makes me feel normal when I’m told I’m not the only one that goes through something similar and I sincerely thank you for telling me that. 🙂 My husband’s parents NEVER argued in front of him or even disagreed with each other so when it happens with my hubby and I, he acts like it’s so tragic and that we shouldn’t even be dicussing things like that.

      After all this time we’ve been together, I have to remind him that it’s normal. And it’s not like we have huge fights either, we just don’t always see eye to eye and it’s healthy. I think it would be impossible to be married to someone and all you do is agree on every single thing, unless it was a robot. 😉 Maybe that’s why my in-laws are so strange. I’ll have to check and see if they’re hiding some kind of battery back or microchip next time I see them. 😀

      • marie May 24, 2011 at 10:40 #

        In response to your response; my hubby’s parents also never argued or disagreed on anything while he and his siblings were growing up. his mom was kind of a pushover, so he doesnt *want* a wife/mother to his kids like that BUT it makes him uncomfortable to fight in front of them. and just little stuff, like “hey did you get the milk like i asked you” “no, i forgot” “well, i hate when you do this, can you please go get it”. this is just adult life to me. I want my kids to see that HEALTHY discussions are good even when we don’t agree. I don’t want my sons to become like their dad where they walk away when it gets too hard. so yes, great props on the post here. and let me know if you find the microchip that makes his parents happy all the time (i think i might need to get it installed in me for my random bouts of depression and overwhelmed with life feelings 🙂

        • marie May 24, 2011 at 10:47 #

          actually, knowing what i’ve read about your hubby’s parents…i think i’d rather be crazy than be anything similar to them. i’m still perplexed on their thoughts on the UP movie. hello cuteness of a movie. next time you should put in back to the future and see their heads spin around trying to figure that one out.

  4. Jenn May 23, 2011 at 10:01 #

    I’m in the same spot – definitely have to be the tough parent, as my own parents were. I work and my hubs and I have had many a “spirited” discussion about the division of labor, as well. If I’m being honest, I create some of the drama myself. The floor does not ALWAYS need to be spotless and if the kids (my daughter is 6, my son is 4 tomorrow!! my BABY!!) have cereal for dinner, the world will not end. And, there are enough stresses in everyday life without losing it over something minor.
    But – that is still exactly what I did last night – I still want to kill him!! :^)

    • Elle May 23, 2011 at 13:24 #

      I completely agree about things not having to be perfect and spotless. I should post pictures of what my house looks like during the week. 🙂 What I didn’t mention when it comes to the food issue is that whenever we have dinner, my husband is always hovering over our little girl when it comes to her eating and she clearly gets annoyed by it. I just worry that it’s going to cause issues down the road because he can’t just give the hummingbird her dinner plate and let her be.

      His parents did that to him when he was younger (they never gave him his own space when it came to anything), actually they still don’t give us personal space when they visit, and it really bothered him so even though I try to let him do what he feels is right for our daughter, there are times when I feel like I need to point these things out to him since I know he doesn’t always realize he’s doing the same thing that caused him to resent his parents.

      Happy Birthday to your little boy! They grow way too fast and we must stop it. 😉

  5. Marianna Annadanna May 23, 2011 at 18:15 #

    Good job posting this gal. It’s tough to post “real” stuff but I’m glad you found an outlet for your frustration. If you ever need a friend to vent to, get in touch with me anytime.

    Also, I only say this as an attempt to help, though I know advice is not what you asked for.

    Maybe try talking to your Hubby? I’m sure you talk a lot. I just mean, I’ve had to learn over the last few months of Depression to explain how I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and what he can do to make me feel better. Lots more communication than we ever needed in the past. And it’s working out for us – so far 🙂

    xo

    • Elle May 24, 2011 at 22:27 #

      Thank you for being there. 🙂

  6. Sarah K. May 23, 2011 at 20:36 #

    Don’t feel bad. This is totally normal. It gets easier as your kids get older. On the rare occasion that I get a girls night I almost always come home to a destroyed house. Its like my husband doesn’t even see it. Last week he actually picked up and acted like he wanted a trophy when I got home. I was like a trophy that says I was not a lazy slob for once. Little girls are almost always Daddy’s girls, but when it really counts Mommy is who they turn to.

    • Elle May 24, 2011 at 22:46 #

      Thanks, Sarah. Not only does my hubby have selective hearing, it seem like he has selective vision as well. 😉

  7. Samantha May 23, 2011 at 20:37 #

    okay, so i’m only about to say all this because i feel like there’s safety in annonyminity (seriously, how the hell do you spell that?). but THANK YOU for this post. maybe it’s not just my husband and i that are fighting. i have to say…ever since our living son was born, we have been fighting nonstop. literally, almost every single night we get into an argument. and you’re not going to believe this, but we’ve actually argued about arguing. i just don’t understand what is happening to us, and it’s so upsetting. did you go through this after your hummingbird was born? i mean, obviously he’s driving you a little nuts right now, but did your relationship really change after she was born? after our first son died, we went through a really rough patch, but after we learned better how to deal, it brought us closer. i NEVER thought that a healthy, living baby would be so destructive to our relationship. we just fight about everything now. our son is about 8 months old now….do the arguments at least become less frequent??? please??? i’ve tried to explain to him that every since our living son was born, i feel like i have just NO more patience for anything. it’s like i only have a certain allotment of patience each day, and i use it all up being a stay-at-home-mom, and so then EVERYTHING else bothers the hell out of me….how messy the house is…the dishes not being done…feeling like he doesn’t realize just how much i do. most of the time, i just want to say, “grow up and be a responsible adult”. all the little, immature things that i used to just let slide bother the hell out of me now. but then of course, i’m “nagging”. i mean, sometimes i feel like we’re not even on the same planet. we just have such completely different views of how much each person is contributing. when he gets home, i ask him to watch our son so that i can cook dinner (not go out and get a manicure or go to a spa or a movie, but cook dinner and clean). so he feels like i’m being unfair and not giving him any time to rest after work. meanwhile, i’m like….do you realize that i NEVER rest? seriously, never. if i’m not watching LS, i’m cooking, or cleaning, or doing other chores. i’d say the majority of our arguments are about cleaning, and who is doing what as far as watching LS goes. like i said, we’re on two different planets. he thinks he’s watched him all night and i’ve taken away all his free time, and i’m like, “it’s only been and hour and a half, and i haven’t had free time for 8 months”.
    geez, sorry to go on so long there. you probably really didn’t need to know all that. really, i just wanted to say thanks for making me feel a little more normal.

    • Elle May 24, 2011 at 23:06 #

      I am so sorry for the loss of your first son. My heart goes out to you. You’ve gone through so much, you have every right to feel the way you do, and I just want to hug you.

      I think after you have a child, the first year in particular can be quite an adjustment and stressful. My daughter’s 2 and I feel like I’m just now starting to get the hang of parenthood plus trying to find the time to spend with my husband. Most of the time when my hubby comes home from work, he’s on daddy duty within a few minutes because there’s so much I need to get done or even so I can have a few minutes to myself after an overwhelming day.

      I’ve had complaints from my husband about it and I know he has so much going on at work but at the same time, being at home all day with your child is exhausting and I can get irritated because at least my husband has adult interaction and doesn’t have to spend day after day changing diapers, cleaning up, watching lame kid shows, and the list goes on.

      If you need somone to talk to, I’ll be here. xx

  8. Rebecca May 24, 2011 at 08:52 #

    I bet you are so glad you got all that off your chest. My husband does bone head things sometimes too. I hate blogging about it all but it sure makes me feel better when the comments start rolling in.

    I understand about not agreeing on various things when it comes to kids though. Gaahh And I have to be the hard a%% most of the time too. Food, what they wear, bed time, getting up too early, naps, etc. . . .BUT when it comes to playing outside? I’m all about digging in the dirt and playing with bugs/worms, etc. . . and that is when HE gets his panties all in a bunch. Ewaaoohh there is disease and germs in that dirt…………..*eye roll*

    • Elle May 24, 2011 at 23:20 #

      I never would have thought my husband and I would have such petty conflicts once our daughter was born. Grrr. 😉

  9. Cheryl May 26, 2011 at 06:29 #

    Oh WOW.

    I’m also a stay at home mom, and my marriage has been in trouble more than once since we had our first son. I swear, hubby half-asses everything he does – even just putting sheets on the bed…who the hell doesn’t make sure the top of the sheet is at the top of the bed? My biggest gripe is that he flat out refuses to put things back where they belong or to help put away folded laundry (I live in laundry-every-day-hell), so our house is constantly a disorganized mess…then he’s got the cojones to bitch about the house being disorganized! He also doesn’t think its unfair at all for him to come home and announce “I’m not doing anything, I’m too tired.” I feel like I’m dealing with a rebellious teenager.

    I’m also of the opinion that until working hubbies stay home for a month or two with their children, they will NEVER know how hard it is.

    I got to a point where I seriously wanted to rip hubby’s face off on a daily basis, and the fact that my mom was raised in the 50s really didn’t help – “He works, you should make sure the house is spotless and dinner is on the table every night, I did!” Oh. My. F’ing. God. Sorry mom, this isn’t the 50s or 60s anymore…marriage is supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP!

    So, my solution that has worked so far is this…

    I see a therapist once every week to two weeks (I asked hubby to come and he flat out refused – I’m going to get him in there eventually, you watch). Even if nothing else comes of it, at least I have a safe place to vent my frustration and de-stress.

    Much as it pained me to start this habit, when I get woken up at 4:30am by my 3mo, I get out of bed for the day. After we go downstairs and I feed him, he typically falls back asleep and I get some much-needed “me” time to do whatever I like. I just go to bed earlier.

    I’m also trying to lead hubby by quiet example…and this was the hardest part. I’ve just been letting him see me doing stuff that just needed to be done at any hour of the day. Even if its right before bed. Oh, and keeping my mouth shut. I tend to vent to hubby about a stressful day when he gets home or gripe about him under my breath a lot, and I’ve been working on this.

    The results? Happier me=happier, more helpful hubby and kids! That old saying is really true…”if moms not happy, no one is”.

  10. Hey.

    I just have to say, I can so relate, my dear.

    The tiny issues are slightly different, but they are there.

    And no matter how many times I speak, he doesn’t seem to hear what I’m saying.

    The plethora of frustrations add up.

    I get pissed.

    It doesn’t end well.

    Why don’t they just listen and retain?

    Why are we always the “bad guy”.

  11. Melissa E. May 28, 2011 at 17:55 #

    Just discovered your blog–love it! Your daughter is adorable. I’m a mom of a two-year-old myself (a son), and my husband also gets on my nerves. I’m messy and he’s clean, but his way of cleaning is to grab my piles, dump them in a box, and throw the box into the basement.

    I smiled when I read this post because it reminds me of my interactions with my husband. I try to explain the reasoning behind how I parent, and he just calls it “nagging.” Sigh.

    Men are fascinating, infuriating creatures.

  12. Jenny May 31, 2011 at 18:06 #

    I wonder if your mom danced a little jig after your call. Hearing your realization that her time as the “bad guy” was really because she loved you must have been priceless.

    • Elle May 31, 2011 at 18:31 #

      When I tell my mom these things, she likes hearing that I’m going through what she had to when I was younger. I let her know how right she was all along. 😉

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