When your kid won’t go to bed and you just want to grab a bottle of Tequila and lock yourself in the bathroom so it muffles their tantrumy screams.

For several months we’ve been dealing with bedtime battles with the little hummingbird almost every night. She hasn’t gotten new teeth since last summer and then around January, BOOM! She had 6 teeth coming in at the same time.

I would like to take this opportunity to say f*ck you teething.

She was doing really well on Hyland’s teething tablets but then they got recalled. We do give the hummingbird acetaminophen or ibuprofen but I just felt better giving her the teething tablets. We’ve tried all the other homeopathic remedies and I’ve even used an amber teething necklace AND a bracelet on her but none of it has helped like the teething tablets did.

So with her brutal teething and waking up several times a night, it threw her off her bedtime schedule that we just can’t seem to get back on. Can you believe that out of those 6 teeth, there are 2 that are taking their sweet ass time coming in? *cries* It’s her eye teeth or what I call her vampire teeth.

Since she turned 2 last month, she’s at that age where she’s understanding a lot more. It seems that she’s become scared of the dark and her imagination is running wild but in a bad way when she goes to bed. We have night lights in her room and even leave the office light on for her which is across from her bedroom.

I ordered a projecting lamp/night light for her that spins around and shows butterflies on her bedroom wall but it hasn’t come yet.

Last night it took us over 3 hours to get her to go to sleep. I started to feel like Goldie Hawn in that movie Overboard when she spends one of the first days with her fake kids and Kurt Russell comes home to her babbling buh buh buh.

Sarah K. told me about an awesome book that I’m getting when it comes out so I’ll be able to read it when I go downstairs so I don’t lose my mind while the hummingbird and my husband are in our bedroom watching an episode of that little shit brat, Caillou, to calm her down before bed.

I think this book is hilarious and couldn’t believe well actually I can since some people don’t have a sense of humor that some people actually took this book seriously. Obviously this isn’t something I would read to my daughter. Well, maybe if my name was Ozzy Osbourne. It’s clearly a children’s book for exhausted parents whose kids spend hours fighting bedtime.

Here’s an excerpt:

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.

The lambs have laid down with the sheep.

You’re cozy and warm in your bed my dear.

Please go the fuck to sleep.

While looking at this book online, I came across a few others. My daughter had the book, Pat The Bunny, which has been torn to shreds but I found a perfect replacement.

And here’s another book that I’m sure will be a classic:


Sarah told me about the first book a few weeks ago but I was trying to find a picture for this post before I published it. Unless you’re a psychic, what you don’t know is that Sarah and I have known each other forever. We grew up in the small town of Footloose that obviously isn’t the real name.

She’s one of the few people who I’ve told about my blog. There was another friend I had told after months of talking and getting reacquainted with each other but after I told her about my blog and she checked it out, I haven’t heard from her since. It could just be a coincidence but I doubt it.

It definitely stung but the fact that Sarah gets my quirkiness makes up for it.

Okay, so back to the picture I was trying to find. My mom and I moved to Footloose, USA when I was about 3 but when I got in touch with my sperm donor (bio dad) when I was 9, I would go back and forth between Footloose and Los Angeles.

When I had my 14th birthday, I was living in the tiny town of Footloose and had some friends, including Sarah, over for a slumber party. To my mom and stepdad’s dismay, I was a huge fan of Guns N’ Roses at the time and even though they weren’t thrilled about my love of hard rock music, my mom made a Guns N’ Roses cake.

My mom and I have similar drawing skills so the gun she drew on the cake ended up looking like a blow dryer which was fitting seeing as how I was obsessed with my big 80’s hair back then.

We thought it was so funny (you probably had to be there) and I have a picture of the cake somewhere but I couldn’t find it.

Since my mom reads my blog, I wanted to say that I still think about that cake and wanted to let her know how much it meant to me. I’ve told her this before but she probably forgot. heh. I also wanted to thank Sarah for understanding my blog even though a few other friends from way back when have run the other way. xx

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5 Responses to When your kid won’t go to bed and you just want to grab a bottle of Tequila and lock yourself in the bathroom so it muffles their tantrumy screams.

  1. Sarah K. May 31, 2011 at 09:27 #

    I love this post and the books you mentioned. My philosophy is if you aren’t laughing you are crying! The people that are offended just need to get over it. I am happy to have reconnected with someone that shares my bizarre and totally inappropriate sense of humor. I feel like we should have kept in touch better over the years. Growing up in Footloose, USA was no piece of cake (unless it was a sweet GNR cake.)

    • Elle June 6, 2011 at 18:33 #

      I know. I really wish we kept in touch but at least we’re back in touch now. 😀

  2. Marianna Annadanna May 31, 2011 at 12:48 #

    Sounds like you’re trying all the right things. Keep at it, and it’ll get better. 🙂

  3. Sharyn June 1, 2011 at 07:28 #

    You should also check out Once Upon A Time The End: Asleep In Sixty Seconds http://tinyurl.com/3hqpqol, which is hilarious and G rated, for those times when the nosy neighbors might be eavesdropping while you read the bedtime story.

  4. Mandi June 5, 2011 at 12:03 #

    I can’t believe real life friends have gone the other way. I wish I knew you in real life!!

    I also can’t believe you posted that zombie book on here! It kind of haunts me.

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