My hubby and I are no longer wanting to rip each other to shreds. Yay for that! Still, when the zombie apocalypse comes, I’ll probably make a run for it after I push him into a crowd of brain eaters. Better him than me. Yep, I’m totally wife of the year.
This thing between me and him (him and I?) was just a bump in the road and I really appreciate all the comments. It helps to know I’m not alone.
Even though everything’s fine now, that doesn’t mean he’s never going to drive me crazy again, says Mr. Obvious. heh. In fact he can drive me crazy on a daily basis.
You know how when you’re with someone for any period of time, there are things they can do that drive you up the wall but then when you tell somebody about it, it can sound petty and then you might feel like a dork, like I did? Really though, it can be difficult to know how it is unless you’re in the other person’s shoes.
A few of the reasons I tend to overshare when I write is I feel like it helps me and I also hate to think that other people in similar situations might be feeling inadequate, for lack of a better word. It sucks to feel like you’re alone.
I want to thank everyone for leaving recipes that my little girl and I can try. I’m still planning on putting up a new page with these recipes but I’ve been really preoccupied. I promise when I have time, I’ll get to it.
Here’s the thing. Last week I found out what an asshole my primary doctor is when it comes to my depression so my hubby and I have been trying to find a solution because the insurance we have is a pain in the ass and they screw over doctors by not wanting to pay them. Several providers in our area, including my daughter’s pediatrician that she never even got a chance to see, have been dropping like flies because they don’t want to deal with our insurance.
I still have my primary doctor, unfortunately, and he refuses to even have me on an anti-depressant so he’s been making it harder than it should be to see a psychiatrist and get help for my anxiety and depression.
In the past, I’ve experienced depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for different reasons.
What’s so ironic is that this time around the reason I’ve been feeling like this is because of fucking doctors. I had less than desirable and very frustrating prenatal care, several medical interventions and a traumatic experience with my labor and delivery, my daughter ending up in the NICU and the feelings involved with that, and another traumatic experience just a week after my daughter came home from the NICU.
When the hummingbird was four weeks old, we were told by a doctor after he saw her blood work that it’s likely she has Leukemia. It’s so hard to put into words what that experience was like. My husband and I had to wait 5 days for the results after we brought her in for more blood work and it was pure hell.
As we were leaving the hospital in a total state of shock, this doctor told us to have a great weekend. We gave him an “Are you fucking kidding me??!” look. We went to the hospital after those 5 agonizing days and basically got a “Whoops, my bad” in doctor speak. I know mistakes can happen but I wanted to kill the guy.
We had very little if any communication with doctors when it came to all of these issues and there were several other incidents involving incompetent doctors so my dislike for them has turned into hatred.
I know that people have been through much worse and I should just be happy that I have a healthy child but all of these things have been building up inside me for the past couple of years. I’ve been thinking more and more about having a second baby so with everything I went through the first time around, I get extremely anxious and worry about what could happen the second time around. It’s needless worry and irrational but that’s what anxiety is.
There were times after I had my daughter when I thought I might have post partum depression but I believe it’s post traumatic stress.
Right now I feel so fucked over by my doctor and it’s the last thing I needed after going through so much over the past 3 years.
The other shitty thing is I was wanting to change my primary doctor but since my insurance is being such a dickhead, there aren’t any primary docs accepting new patients.
I’ve spent several months trying to handle my anxiety and depression on my own since the anti-depressants I’ve been on in the past have made me sick so I’ve been taking homeopathic remedies, eating healthier, having Jillian Michaels kick my ass by doing her exercise dvd’s and so on. Going on medication was my last resort. Well, now I’m there.
Thanks to a bloggy friend, I know of a medication that I haven’t tried before and I’m hoping to get on it as soon as all this doctor and insurance bullshit hopefully gets sorted out. I’m also still trying to find a psychologist to go to but my insurance has made that really difficult too.
If it wasn’t for my daughter, I would be in bed all day crying. I know I write about her tantrums, bedtime battles, and the frustrations of motherhood but I am so lucky to have my little hummingbird. She is the love of my life.