It’s not all rainbows and unicorns although sometimes I wish it was but it would get annoying and be really stinky having unicorn poop everywhere.

My hubby and I are no longer wanting to rip each other to shreds. Yay for that! Still, when the zombie apocalypse comes, I’ll probably make a run for it after I push him into a crowd of brain eaters. Better him than me. Yep, I’m totally wife of the year.

This thing between me and him (him and I?) was just a bump in the road and I really appreciate all the comments. It helps to know I’m not alone.

Even though everything’s fine now, that doesn’t mean he’s never going to drive me crazy again, says Mr. Obvious. heh. In fact he can drive me crazy on a daily basis.

You know how when you’re with someone for any period of time, there are things they can do that drive you up the wall but then when you tell somebody about it, it can sound petty and then you might feel like a dork, like I did? Really though, it can be difficult to know how it is unless you’re in the other person’s shoes.

A few of the reasons I tend to overshare when I write is I feel like it helps me and I also hate to think that other people in similar situations might be feeling inadequate, for lack of a better word. It sucks to feel like you’re alone.

I want to thank everyone for leaving recipes that my little girl and I can try. I’m still planning on putting up a new page with these recipes but I’ve been really preoccupied. I promise when I have time, I’ll get to it.

Here’s the thing. Last week I found out what an asshole my primary doctor is when it comes to my depression so my hubby and I have been trying to find a solution because the insurance we have is a pain in the ass and they screw over doctors by not wanting to pay them. Several providers in our area, including my daughter’s pediatrician that she never even got a chance to see, have been dropping like flies because they don’t want to deal with our insurance.

I still have my primary doctor, unfortunately, and he refuses to even have me on an anti-depressant so he’s been making it harder than it should be to see a psychiatrist and get help for my anxiety and depression.

In the past, I’ve experienced depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for different reasons.

What’s so ironic is that this time around the reason I’ve been feeling like this is because of fucking doctors. I had less than desirable and very frustrating prenatal care, several medical interventions and a traumatic experience with my labor and delivery, my daughter ending up in the NICU and the feelings involved with that, and another traumatic experience just a week after my daughter came home from the NICU.

When the hummingbird was four weeks old, we were told by a doctor after he saw her blood work that it’s likely she has Leukemia. It’s so hard to put into words what that experience was like. My husband and I had to wait 5 days for the results after we brought her in for more blood work and it was pure hell.

As we were leaving the hospital in a total state of shock, this doctor told us to have a great weekend. We gave him an “Are you fucking kidding me??!” look. We went to the hospital after those 5 agonizing days and basically got a “Whoops, my bad” in doctor speak. I know mistakes can happen but I wanted to kill the guy.

We had very little if any communication with doctors when it came to all of these issues and there were several other incidents involving incompetent doctors so my dislike for them has turned into hatred.

I know that people have been through much worse and I should just be happy that I have a healthy child but all of these things have been building up inside me for the past couple of years. I’ve been thinking more and more about having a second baby so with everything I went through the first time around, I get extremely anxious and worry about what could happen the second time around. It’s needless worry and irrational but that’s what anxiety is.

There were times after I had my daughter when I thought I might have post partum depression but I believe it’s post traumatic stress.

Right now I feel so fucked over by my doctor and it’s the last thing I needed after going through so much over the past 3 years.

The other shitty thing is I was wanting to change my primary doctor but since my insurance is being such a dickhead, there aren’t any primary docs accepting new patients.

I’ve spent several months trying to handle my anxiety and depression on my own since the anti-depressants I’ve been on in the past have made me sick so I’ve been taking homeopathic remedies, eating healthier, having Jillian Michaels kick my ass by doing her exercise dvd’s and so on. Going on medication was my last resort. Well, now I’m there.

Thanks to a bloggy friend, I know of a medication that I haven’t tried before and I’m hoping to get on it as soon as all this doctor and insurance bullshit hopefully gets sorted out. I’m also still trying to find a psychologist to go to but my insurance has made that really difficult too.

If it wasn’t for my daughter, I would be in bed all day crying. I know I write about her tantrums, bedtime battles, and the frustrations of motherhood but I am so lucky to have my little hummingbird. She is the love of my life.

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10 Responses to It’s not all rainbows and unicorns although sometimes I wish it was but it would get annoying and be really stinky having unicorn poop everywhere.

  1. themrs June 1, 2011 at 05:09 #

    i don’t want to give useless advice, because when i rant i HATE THAT! so i will say that i’ve been there, it sucks, it’s ok to feel pissed about it, and i will be praying you find a GOOD doctor. they are definitely hard to find. i’ve had some similar experiences and it makes it very difficult to trust a medical professional 🙁

    all that being said, if/when you have another baby, i would highly suggest getting a doula. no matter what kind of birth you’re hoping for, she will help calm some of those fears and help you have a much more pleasant birth. i wish i lived closer, i’d do it for you! i’m getting ready to be a doula in two weeks for a friend who is having her first V-bac after a very traumatic birth experience. the majority of what we’re working (other than breathing and natural birthing basics) is relaxation and just getting her mind in the right place. helping her not go into it with fear and anxiety. if you ever want to know more i’d be happy to chat about it! just message me on FB>

    all in all, you are not alone. and you have lots of anon friends here to bitch to 🙂 hope this day is better than the last!!

    • Elle June 1, 2011 at 12:44 #

      Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your words have really helped. I will fight to the death so I can have a doula when I have another baby. I wanted one the first time around but had my daughter in a military hospital where I didn’t have any say.

      I had a different doctor at every prenatal appointment, which is something else that angers me because I wanted to build trust with the person that was going to deliver my daughter. I still have no idea who delivered her and the doctor’s name isn’t even on her birth certificate.

  2. Marianna Annadanna June 1, 2011 at 17:15 #

    I know you know I KNOW where you’re at with the depression stuff. I hope you find a good doctor, and in the meantime it sounds like you’re doing everything right. Keep talking about it, and stay active, and go easy on yourself.

    And believe it or not, there are actually some good books out there. I doubted it, but I did some digging at the bookstore and I think I’ll pick a few up soon.

    Also, if you’ve never tried it before, Yoga is amazing. It teaches all kinds of body/mind/soul tricks that really help me manage day-to-day (even though I haven’t gone in a while).

    Email me anytime doll. xo

    • Elle June 2, 2011 at 19:58 #

      Thank you. I’ve been looking for books on the matter but haven’t really found anything so if you find a good one, please let me know. I have a few yoga dvd’s but have been too lazy to actually try them. Does it count if I’ve watched them while sitting on the couch eating chips? 😉

  3. Samantha June 1, 2011 at 20:13 #

    oh my gosh, i sympathize with you on so many things you just said. first, yes, it sounds like it’s DEFINITELY time for a new primary care. what the eff is his problem anyway? it’s not like you’re asking for pain killers or sedatives, or some highly addictive prescription medication. good god, last time i checked antidepressants aren’t even controlled substances. i can understand a doctor’s reluctance to prescribe some of those addictive medications, but i don’t understand why he refuses to prescribe you an antidepressant. seriously, if he’s worried about liability, isn’t the fact that you’re asking for help and he’s refusing a liability in itself? if you went in there with high blood pressure or diabetes he would certainly treat that wouldn’t he?

    yes, i hate doctors too. actually i hate most people in the medical profession (except nurses for the most part. ironically enough, i’m supposed to start nursing school soon). i have a friend that is a PA and she told me that in her program they were specifically taught that ALL patients lie and that you cannot trust patients. i’d like to give a giant eff you to that theory. it just doesn’t make sense. of course, there are many people who are going to lie to either get prescriptions (painkillers, sleeping aids, etc), and there are others that are going to lie because they’re embarrassed, but to specifically teach that you can’t trust patients i think is completely irresponsible. let’s think about this for a second…many people, myself included want to live a healthy, happy life. they don’t want to be sick. i NEVER lied about anything with my three pregnancies because all i wanted was a healthy baby. why would i lie about something that could impact my health, and risk the health of my babies? it just doesn’t make sense.

    now…for as much as i hate about 99% of doctors, when i find a doctor i like, i totally fall in love. with my first two pregnancies, i hated every single person i saw. they ignored me, they didn’t take me seriously, they assumed that everything was going to be okay, and it wasn’t. if i had one thing i could tell doctors, it would be to NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING. just because a woman is young and healthy DOES NOT MEAN that her pregnancy is going to be fine. just because someone has had something crazy happen to them in the past doesn’t mean that something else crazy can’t happen. but with my third pregnancy, i LOOOOOOOOOOVED my doctors. i found a practice that was absolutely incredible, and i owe my life to them. i had to drive an hour and a half one way every single week (sometimes more), but it was worth every second. there is no price, no amount of inconvenience that isn’t worth it if you can get a healthy baby at the end of the deal. so all that said, do you have any choices for doctors further away from where you live? maybe you can expand your radius and search around. i have found that it really is trial and error with doctors. it can feel like you’re wasting a lot of time sometimes, but for me, to have a good doctor is worth looking for and working hard for.

    another thing…don’t most hospitals and doctors offices have some kind of patient care liason that will assist with patient-doctor issues? i’ve been hospitalized more than i care to remember for my pregnancies, and there was always someone that you could ask for if you weren’t happy with the care you were getting. that person kind of served as a mediator and would try to help resolve the situation. also…and i don’t know too much about this, but isn’t there always a state medical board? maybe they could help.

    holy crap, i’m so tired i can’t keep my eyes open. i want to write more…but….falling…..asleep…..

    • Samantha June 2, 2011 at 06:59 #

      “patient advocate”. that’s what i was thinking of…not liason.

    • Elle June 2, 2011 at 20:15 #

      At the time I was having all of the issues, we were going to 2 military hospitals and since I got so fed up, I asked if they had an advocate or somebody that would listen and help but they didn’t have anything like that there. It’s probably because they knew just how awful they were.

      That’s crazy about the PA being told that. I know some people can take advantage but others who are in desperate need for help shouldn’t be punished too.

      What I can’t believe about my current primary doctor is that he was my doctor when my hubby and I lived here 5 years ago and I didn’t have any problems when it came to him prescribing an anti-depressant and something for panic attacks. It makes me wonder if he had some issue with a patient, maybe a malpractice suit, and that’s why he refuses to do anything now.

      Still, it’s obvious that I’m having a tough time of things and I’m beyond frustrated that he won’t even work with a psychiatrist so I can get on medication. That’s my *only* option right now since there currently aren’t any providers taking my insurance that are even 2 hours away from where I live.

      And yay for you starting nursing school. 🙂 I’m a nursing school dropout and regret not doing it.

      • Samantha June 4, 2011 at 18:51 #

        that is really bizarre about your primary care and his complete 180 with the medications. maybe he needs to be on some medication himself. like i said, i personally think that it is malpractice for him to refuse you treatment. i would think that would be a massive liability for him. and again, if you went in there with diabetes or hypertension, they would certainly treat you. and that leads me to my NEXT rant, which is just how society in general views mental illness and depression. so many people are made to feel ashamed and embarrassed about depression….like we’re not “tough enough” or we just need to stop whining. and i will admit that i think there are plenty of times when some people are just being complainers and need to suck it up and deal. HOWEVER, there are just as many cases of true depression, and those people really do need help…whether it be through medication, therapy….i actually know someone who had such a horrible bout of depression (and elderly lady) that she couldn’t even get out of bed. she was in really bad shape, and they tried everything possible. and you know what finally ended up working really well? electroshock therapy. depression for some people really is an illness and needs to be treated as such.

        does your doctor have a nurse that you see beforehand that just takes your vitals and stuff? maybe you could try to pump her for information, even if it’s just to gently ask WHY he won’t prescribe antidepressants. i’m so bothered by this just because i don’t understand the reasoning. has he actually GIVEN you a reason? damn doctors. they think they’re so frigging smart. if i actually make it through nursing school i can’t believe i’m going to have to work for those assholes. i think that’s going to be the hardest part…taking orders from someone i think is a shmuck.

        i wish i could somehow help you.

  4. Elle June 4, 2011 at 22:11 #

    @Samantha I haven’t had the chance to talk to one of his nurses but I did talk to my doctor’s receptionist a few days ago and she was telling me how he just refuses to prescribe anything that’s addictive. That’s really all she had to say so it’s baffling because it’s not like I’m trying to get crack.

    Right now I just have to keep on checking my insurance and hope that a psychiatrist, who doesn’t require anything from my primary doctor, starts accepting new patients. And the same with getting a new primary doctor. Hopefully new doctors come along soon but my insurance has really pissed many providers off.

  5. Mandi June 5, 2011 at 11:58 #

    Good luck with your doctor. It doesn’t even make sense why he wouldn’t prescribe it. Maybe you could go in and ask for something more addicting, then when he says no say okay I’ll just go for an anti depressant then! Maybe? 😉

    Glad your hubby made it through alive. We go through the same phases!

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