What do my mom, a pickaxe, pedicures, and a kitty have in common? I really have no idea.

I was talking to my mom recently and she told me that she had just gotten a pedicure.

When I was younger I would try to do my own nails but I’ll try to cut all of my cuticles and hangnails and I just make things worse. There’s usually blood and pain involved as well as some fuck’s sprinkled in.

So I would think to myself screw it, just go to a nail salon. My nails can be pretty for awhile and I feel RAWR sexaay when my toenails are painted a deep red color.

I got my mom into getting pedicures and whenever she visits, we make time to do that together.

Post-humminbird, I get a pedicure once or twice a year if I’m lucky and my mom goes every month. At first I had to talk her into getting it done because she deserves getting pampered but she would say oh, that’s okay. I don’t need to go but now I’ve created a pedicure monster kidding.

Pre-hummingbird, I didn’t get them that often but since I only had a cat and as long as I got her permission not really (she was very demanding), she was fine with letting me get one if I gave her extra catnip and I would have to agree to let her paw me to death when she was trying to get comfortable on the couch or the bed.

She would paw and paw and paw and I would think just lay the hell down already because when you’re pawing me in the same place for several minutes, it freaking starts to hurt kitty. If I moved a muscle, the whole process would start all over again.

Sometimes after all that pawing, my cat would decide I wasn’t good enough and just hop off.

Nuh Uh! Are you kidding me, kitty?!

Um, Anway….

Around my mid 20’s, I started to feel like the roles between my mom and I reversed.

It’s hard to explain but I’ve gotten more maternal with my mom. I’m sure I’m not the only one that has gone through this role reversal. She’s protective, maternal, and wants what’s best for me and I’m the same with her. So, I guess it’s not really a reversal but it’s early in the morning and I can’t think of a better word to use.

It’s not that she isn’t capable of taking care of herself, she can kick ass, but sometimes I find myself telling her things she used to tell me when I was younger and she’ll say okaaay mom. Kids these days! What are you gonna do?

When my mom was telling me about her pedicure, she said the person doing it accidentally cut the side of her big toe. Then she told me how her big toenail is half dead and the nail tech cut it as short as possible. Being that our roles have reversed, I’ve been trying to convince her to go to the doctor.

Me: Why is your toenail half dead?

My mom: I hit my toe with a pickaxe*.

Me: *picturing my mom dismembering bodies* Why in the hell were you using a pickaxe?

Mom: I was trying to start a garden. *Obviously I don’t really garden but now I want to if I can use a weapon like a pickaxe. I’ll just be sure to wear steel toe boots*

Me: Well, shouldn’t you be aiming for the ground and not your foot? (I get my smartassyness from my mom and I mean that in the best way).

Mom: I was trying to but I was wearing flip-flops and wacked my big toe with the pickaxe.

Me: What?! You were gardening and thought it would be a good idea to swing around a sharp object while wearing flip-flops?

Mom: I know, it was stupid.

Me: Why don’t you go to a doctor? It doesn’t seem right that your toenail isn’t healing and keeps on getting nasty at a certain point. I thought with something like that happening, your nail would’ve fallen off. *shivers* *gags*

Mom: I did see my doctor and they were surprised it didn’t fall off too. They cut it down as much as they could and said it would take some time to heal.

Me: Well, when did you see your doctor about this because maybe you should get it checked out again?

Mom: Hmmm….let me see…it was about 3 or 4 years ago.

Me: WAIT, WHAT?!!!!

Mom: What?

Me: MOM! 3 or 4 years is a long ass time. You need to go again because something’s not right.

Mom: Yeah but I think it needs some more time to heal.

Me: WHAT?! It’s been plenty of time. What if your toe ends up falling off? Then you’ll wish you didn’t wait to see a doctor again.

Mom: My toe isn’t going to fall off.

Me: You never know. Or what if your half dead toenail is a zombie and tries to kill you and then it goes around killing other people? You will have caused killer zombie toenails.

Mom: If my half dead toenail ends up being a zombie and tries to kill me, I have a pickaxe to protect myself.

So what do you think? Should my mom get her zombie toenail looked at again before it causes a zombie toenail apocalypse?
 

*I thought it was spelled pickax but Google got up in my face and was like, well didn’t you mean “pickaxe”. Fine hoity-toity Google, I’ll spell it your way, you punkass. Google also had to brag and be all pretentious that they found “pickax” in about 430,000 results (0.28 seconds). Google, I wouldn’t brag about being so fast if you get my meaning.

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4 Responses to What do my mom, a pickaxe, pedicures, and a kitty have in common? I really have no idea.

  1. Mom June 16, 2011 at 18:01 #

    Elle, this is one of your funniest stories yet. Ok, I will see a doctor.
    Love, Mom

  2. Ryan Ann July 9, 2011 at 21:08 #

    LMAO!!!! I can totally relate to this! (ok, really, I can relate to both sides, having had many convos with my mom like this… aaaand having gardened with flip flops on. I wasn’t swinging a pickaxe, but I was shoveling and weed whacking. Those damn plastic… strings? hurt when they snap and fly at you! OUCH. LOL)

    Anyhoo, Just thought I’d let you know, I can relate… Hell my mom and I live together. Good thing I’m fond of fireworks. 😉

  3. Elle July 14, 2011 at 22:06 #

    Lol! I’ve had a weed whacker vs. me showdown before and yes I was wearing flip flops too. 🙂

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