What I didn’t expect after expecting. Alternate title: Holy Hell! Jebus criminy on a cracker!!

This has been sitting in my draft file for a few months because I keep on thinking of things to add. I could literally go on and on & write a book on this but tried to keep this kind of short, for me anyway.

I was told of things that would happen after I had a baby but in a vague way and of course I didn’t think some of this stuff would happen to me. Yes, you’re right. I’m a dumbass.

I talk about blood, pee, and poop so you should stop reading now if you’re super squeamish and would like to keep down that yummy meal you just had.

I’m just assuming you had a yummy meal. If it wasn’t yummy and you possibly have food poisoning and think dry heaving and possibly throwing up would make you feel better, then go ahead and read on. If you’re not sure that you’re ready to have kids then reading this will be perfect birth control.

Screw what to expect. Expect the unexpected.

No matter what anyone tells you will happen after you have a baby, including me, it might not happen to you. You just never know what to expect with a baby. Your cute little squishy babe grows so fast and changes so much that it can be hard to keep up.

There were so many things I had planned on once my daughter was born and with most of the things, I’ve gone the other way. Like television.

I had planned on not having her watch very much television but now that she’s 2, if I want to get anything done (a shower, scarfing down lunch before she sees me eating and ends up eating all of it even though she didn’t want much of her lunch…) I let her watch her favorite show along with a few others that she likes. I’m still in no way guaranteed to be able to get things done but since my little girl doesn’t always nap, it can guarantee some of my sanity.

Being a parent is harder than I thought it would be. There are times when my little girl will be throwing a tantrum and just when I think Calgon, take me away she’ll all of a sudden do something so cute that it makes my heart melt. But other times I can be counting down the minutes until my hubby gets home so I can hand her off to him and I can have a breather.

Lack of bladder control.

When I was pregnant (and way before that) I read about kegel exercises. Since I had to pee constantly while I was pregnant, the last thing I wanted to do were kegel’s.

I used to think only women who gave birth vaginally had problems with bladder control. Silly me. I pee myself when I cough, sneeze, laugh, and breathe although it’s not all the time.

Sometimes I’ll think I’m safe after I sneeze and then I’m thinking ha ha bladder, I won this round but it gets back at me a few minutes later. Usually when it happens I’ll say Ohhhh! and my hubby will be like you peed yourself didn’t you? and as I’m running up the stairs I’ll say yep and by the way, you’re having the next baby.

There will be blood. And look! More blood, and more, and more.

I thought how awesome it was that I didn’t have my period for several months but don’t be fooled. Not only do you get all of the periods you’ve missed at the same time, you get more for good measure. I was bleeding for weeks and had to wear diaper sized pads.

Mesh panties.

I had no idea these existed, just like the perineal bottle. I’m sure the look of What the f*ck?! I had was pretty obvious when the nurse handed me both. The hospital gave me mesh underwear along with huge pads that looked like they were made for the Jolly Green Giant. I have to admit, it took a few days but I started to like the mesh underwear, especially since my own would bother my cesarean incision. I even asked for a few more to bring home.

The first postpartum poo.

I wasn’t able to experience a vaginal birth since I had an emergency c-section but 3 days later I felt what it was like to give birth…out of my ass. Oh My Gawd! I was given stool softeners and took them but didn’t think it would be that bad.

There was a hand rail by the toilet in my hospital room and I thought it was there for help getting up. Nope. That hand rail is there so you can hold on for dear life while you have the poo that has come from the depths of hell.

Just a tip. Before you leave the hospital, steal bring home everything that isn’t bolted down.

I took a few of the waterproof pads they had on my hospital bed and some of the towels. Get my towels and bed all bloody? I think not. I know there were other things I brought home but I just can’t remember. Oh, that’s another wonderful thing about mommyhood. Mommy Brain. woo hoo!

When my daughter came home, we took the diapers, wipes, etc. The nurse we had actually went and got a new pack of diapers for us since the little hummingbird only had a few left in her NICU cart. Our nurse was helping us stock up on other freebies as well. I also grabbed a few of the drink pitchers I had used since they were perfect when it came to warming up bottles.

Just breathe.

As much as we wanted to bring our daughter home from the NICU, it was also terrifying. We were the ones responsible for this tiny person. I remember the first or second night after she came home. The swaddling blankets we got weren’t even capable of wrapping up a chipmunk and our little girl was only about 8 pounds at the time.

So my hubby went out to find bigger blankets and it was the first time I was alone with my daughter.

While my husband was gone, I gave her a bottle and everything was smooth sailing at that point. Then she threw up all over me and the couch. She also had a diaper blowout. There were tears on my part because I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right. Then I kept telling myself that my daughter doesn’t know I’m not doing everything perfect and I became more calm-ish. Don’t get me wrong, I still sent frantic texts to my husband to hurry the hell up.

*Quick sidenote. I discovered Aden & Anais blankets around her first birthday and my daughter LOVES them. We have to make sure to bring one with us wherever we go. They are pricey but so worth it.

Pregnancy weight and recovery.

Unless your name is Miranda Kerr or Gisele ‘I made pancakes and washed dishes shortly after giving birth, a birth that wasn’t painful, not even a little bit’ Bündchen *eyeroll*, try not to stress about your weight after having a baby. The weight will come off eventually and if it doesn’t, remember that your body went through a lot.

It’s the same with recovery and exercising. You might see women who’ve just had a baby a week before, jogging around the neighborhood but it’s fine if your thinking hell to the no and of course if you’ve had a c-section, you have to wait anyway. Recovery is different for everyone. Enjoy your crying, poopy, pukey, will not sleep for more than a few hours at a time, what the hell?! I’m going to die of sleep deprivation, baby. Yay!

Postpartum feelings.

It took me almost 14 years to have a baby it’s more like 13 but you know how I feel about that number (that’s for another post) and I thought everything would be like a diaper commercial. All smiley and happy. It’s not. Unless you’re a robot but robots can’t have babies. I don’t think.

There wasn’t any doubt that I loved my little girl and I had waited so long to have her. But the hormones were swirling around, here was this new little person in our lives, and my hubby and I were beyond exhausted. There were times, especially in the early months, when I would think What did I get myself into? or This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

I would hear people with newborns saying how it’s such an amazing time and everything’s great and so easy. I would end up feeling like an awful new mom because I didn’t always think it was rainbows and butterflies. In hindsight, I think my feelings were normal.

Don’t feel pressured when it comes to how you want to raise your child. We might have different ways we want to do it but we want the same outcome. To raise our tiny dictators as best as we can and have them know how much we love them no matter what.

I don’t think there’s a wrong way when it comes to raising kids and how you go about it. There will always be people who judge but just tune them out.

I wanted to breastfeed more than anything but it didn’t work out like I hoped so instead I pumped like a maniac. I beat myself up for not being able to breastfeed and felt bad because I had very little milk coming in but honestly, looking back now, I wish I would have just spent that time with my daughter soaking in all her sweet babyness (totally a word) instead of being hooked up to a pump several times a day.

I started cloth diapering her around her first birthday but lately we haven’t been doing it as often. I don’t know why since it’s so much easier than I thought it would be. I love cloth diapering. I was feeling bad about it but my hubby and I are doing what works for us.

Last but not least….

You will freak out about every little thing and that’s normal. There will be times when you’re not freaking out and then you’ll freak out for not freaking out.

Pretty self-explanatory. 

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30 Responses to What I didn’t expect after expecting. Alternate title: Holy Hell! Jebus criminy on a cracker!!

  1. Jen {at} take2mommy June 20, 2011 at 10:38 #

    You are dead on with all of this! Nice job…simultaneously scary and funny.
    I’m laughing because you stole the hospital’s drink pitchers.
    My youngest is 5 so giving birth is a distant, blurry memory (that I probably subconsciously chose to forget since it was so traumatic). So it’s been a while since I thought about this stuff. But you made it all come flooding back for me…mesh undies, unstoppable blood and all.

  2. Wombat Central June 20, 2011 at 11:44 #

    My hubby’s cousin told me horror stories about birth when I was pregnant. Such a lovely man. Not. He giddily warned me about the mesh panties. I then took great pleasure in urging him to tell my sister-in-law the same story. What? I wasn’t going to be the only one having mesh undie nightmares!

  3. Sharyn June 20, 2011 at 13:48 #

    This is a delightful story; I relate to it since I’ve lived every bit of it (I’d forgotten the mesh underwear. Ew.) I think we can agree, though, that there are plenty of times you’ll say to yourself: “Wow. This is the best. thing. ever.”

  4. siggiofmaine June 20, 2011 at 15:54 #

    Thank you for your wonderful blog. I am a bit older…ok…lots…my youngest is 40 ….so I missed out on the mesh panties and the disposable diapers…they were way too expensive and only for emergencies back in the day. But I can relate and you said it all so well. Enjoyed reading what you shared about the mystery that isn’t so mysterious…it’s just I didn’t want to believe it all til it actually happened.
    Siggi in Downeast Maine

  5. bitchypants June 20, 2011 at 20:25 #

    Love this. Preach the truth, Sista!

  6. Mcai7td3 June 21, 2011 at 00:14 #

    Spot on! All so true!! Those first few weeks are a mental frenzied blur aren’t they? It took weeks before the baby penny dropped. I had an emergency c section too and I just missed driving more than anything. we don’t have mesh underwear in the UK thankfully! 🙂

  7. immunod19 June 21, 2011 at 05:29 #

    Well said! My first born was smooth sailing – but my second one YOH!!!! different story FROM DAY ONE!

    She’s nearly 3 … but sometimes I still wonder… WTH …oh btw — I have a Barney Infestation at the moment… know of any good ways I can KILL HIM!

    • Elle June 22, 2011 at 22:10 #

      I think the only way to get rid of Barney is to set him on fire. You bring the marshmallows and I’ll bring the graham crackers & chocolate and we can make s’mores over Barney’s burning body. Just don’t eat the purple s’mores. 😉

      • immunod19 June 23, 2011 at 04:16 #

        Good and then we have to bury him somewhere he’ll never be found!

  8. immunod19 June 21, 2011 at 05:31 #

    oh and about the mesh underwear – we have them too – I might still have a pair in my underwear drawer ….which I still use – they quite comfy esp when its THAT time of the month!

  9. L.A.C.E. June 21, 2011 at 08:46 #

    Phew. You got it all right on!! a) I do everything pretty much I’m NOT supposed to like massive amounts of television and video games. (You do want my children to live don’t you?) The question I pose to those judgemental types. I love watching their jaws drop hahaha. b) I have four. I now wear pantyliners all the time. There are other things but I’d just scare you. c) with my second I bled for 8wks straight with no sign of stopping. My ob put me on birth control because apparently my body was confused. d) mesh panties rock. With my first 13 yrs ago they didn’t have mesh panties. It was suspenders, but for the giant pads. e) ouch! by #3 and #4 I ate enough fibre rich foods in the last two months I didn’t have that problem. Good thing, I was still traumatized by the first two times. f) even by #4 I took a few select things. g) my hubby had to take a minimum of 2wks off to be with me. I was a wreck, even with #4. h) Gisele is full of it! Even though I laughed through the birth of my daughter, and my 4th was pretty painless for the most part. I was definitely still walking like I was riding a horse for 24/7. The hospital bed and later my own was my friend for a good week or two.

  10. Marianna Annadanna June 22, 2011 at 09:02 #

    Well done. This is terrifying, but thanks nonetheless. 😉

    • Elle June 23, 2011 at 13:30 #

      Glad to terrify you. 😉 When the time comes, at least you’ll know what you’re getting into, like not having as much control over your bodily functions. woohoo! 😀

  11. Her @6degreeslove June 22, 2011 at 11:27 #

    I love you!!! this is AWESOME…and the list can continue to grow for at least the next 12 years (that I know of, I’ll increase that number each year I’m sure)….nice post…sending to my friend’s that just had babies.

  12. MK June 22, 2011 at 14:04 #

    I’m due in 3 weeks and I needed a post like this. No, seriously. I knew there would be a lot of “why the F didn’t anyone tell me this” moments, and having them clearly listed makes my life less stressful. Plus, I got to laugh slightly at your expense, instead of my own, which is a rarity for the last 9 months.

  13. papoe June 22, 2011 at 21:28 #

    Speaking of poo post c-section…you know how they are really concerned that you need to poo (which is why the stool softeners are prescribed), well I believe they start by asking if you’ve passed gas. After a day of laying around in my hospital bed I finally felt the need, so I let one go. Only there was moisture that I couldn’t stop. And a stink like you wouldn’t believe. Yes, I shit the bed. And my husband was there, so I had to tell him. Ladies, don’t be surprised if you shit the bed THE NEXT DAY!

  14. tessamalk June 23, 2011 at 03:43 #

    I’ve had my little girl home for just over a week now and reading this made me feel so much better about everything.

    • Elle June 23, 2011 at 13:16 #

      I’m glad it helped and it does get better, mostly. 🙂 It’s just really overwhelming at first. xx

  15. Katie June 23, 2011 at 07:23 #

    Yup. I had PPD too, and it was so obnoxious, because my hummingbird with rooster tendencies was so wonderful, but I felt like hell. And even without the PPD, I think I would have felt the same way.

    And I think I’ve decided that all the people who experience the 24/7 diaper commercial are big, fat liars.

  16. happinessafterheartache June 23, 2011 at 11:31 #

    I felt like a lot of this post was coming out of my own mouth (in a funnier way though). So much of what you said is SO true. But it’s not stealing from the hospital if they tell you to take it! When we were in the NICU they practically shoved the stuff at us. We were very appreciative, of course, but still felt like we were thieves. Hee hee hee.

  17. alissa June 23, 2011 at 12:39 #

    lol thats so funny and so right my little guy is 15 months and i had a c- section as well so i was surprised at the pee thing as well and those mesh panties are great. We also took as much as we could and our nurse helped us get more diapers and formula as well, In my opinion your paying for it anyway take all you can get, but you were so right with everything you said it brought me back to that time

  18. Fête Foreign June 23, 2011 at 14:38 #

    I love a good story from the battlefield of mommydom.
    Loved the mesh underwear.
    Did not love that I fainted after explicitly NOT following the doctors orders to ask for help to get to the bathroom on day one.
    Loved that my second slept for 9 solid hours after birth and so did we.
    Love that in the Fall they’ll both be in school for some/all of the day.
    Don’t love the above because they’re both so cute and cuddly.

    Love my cocktails . . . . (oops, did I say that?)

  19. abby June 23, 2011 at 15:38 #

    i am new to your site and let me tell you this is exactly what i went through after my c-sec. this is absolutely enlightening and i enjoyed your comments about each part. 🙂

  20. Melody June 23, 2011 at 22:34 #

    Elle, I randomly discovered your blog and have been reading entries for hours. I believe we are some sort of parallel universe- sister- kindred spirits. I almost believed that I had begun blogging in my sleep (which would be great- the ultimate in multitasking!)… My own little Sugarboo turns three July 5 and I am so with you on the random tantrums and picky eating. Eating dinner is actually the bane of mine and my husband’s existence. Stay solid, sister! Someday we will crawl out of the trenches of toddler warfare! Hahaha

  21. Ashby July 4, 2011 at 06:31 #

    Love this – the mesh panties really did add insult to injury didn’t they?

  22. Queen Gen July 18, 2013 at 07:18 #

    I think I need to add one that no one told me about – about 6 weeks after my c-section, and about 4 weeks after I started walking properly again, all the pain suddenly came back. Apparently the nerves that were cut during surgery began to heal, and my God did I suddenly feel it. Why doesn’t anyone warn you about that?

    Also, I had been warned about PPD. In fact, I was at high risk for it so I saw a psychologist throughout my whole pregnancy to help me get through it all. For some reason, being well-informed about it and knowing it happens to lots of people and knowing how we were going to tackle the problem, made me feel like the depression wouldn’t happen. I don’t know why I thought that. It has happened. I’m a wreck. I’m not sure it’s even possible to prepare someone for that.
    Queen Gen recently posted..Project rent-a-friend (this one’s for you, Josh)My Profile

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