I could never be a pediatric dentist because I’d probably end up fingerless and have to hold my dental instruments with my feet but nobody would want to go to a fingerless dentist so really I’m saving money and years of having to go to dental school.

We took the little hummingbird to the dentist a few weeks ago. I’ve heard some people say your kid needs a check-up at 1, some have said 3, some say not until they start school. Oy, it’s so confusing. She was born with a tooth, yeah it was a little creepy, and we’ve noticed that since she was getting her other teeth in, the one she was born with started receding into her gums and was looking kind of funky.

The day she was born, she had her tooth checked out by a pediatric dentist from the hospital. A few of the nurses were saying the tooth will probably need to be pulled and since I was like wha? nuh uh!, they had the dentist come and check it out and he said it was a real tooth that didn’t need to be pulled and to just leave it alone. Whew!

She had her 2nd BIRTHDAY!! back in April and my hubby and I were thinking she should go see a pediatric dentist soon which meant that we put it off since we’re totally responsible like that. Then the tooth that she was born with went MIA.

The hummingbird doesn’t really let us get near her mouth and since keeping my fingers is really important to me, I have to get creative and tickle her while holding her upside down or make animal sounds so she’ll mimic me and that’s when I was able to have .002 seconds to look in her mouth and see that nope, that tooth wasn’t there.

Since I am now a not at all total professional when it comes to taking my daughter to the dentist, here are my not at all professional thoughts and insights (?) when it comes to dealing with kids and dentistry.

If you follow these 30 really long steps, you too can be a not at all professional when it comes to taking your toddler to the dentist.

1. Have your husband make the dentist appointment. Soon your darling little girl (or boy) will be an angsty tween/teen who blames you for all of their problems. It will come in handy to be able to say You may be mad at me for embarrassing you in front of your friends by dropping you off at school in my pajamas BUT your father is the one that made your first dentist appointment.

2. The night after your husband has made the appointment, while you try to get your 2-year-old to brush their teeth, you’ll be thinking I am so glad I’m not a pediatric dentist because they are screwed.

3. You will also start thinking Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

4. Then you’ll be thinking how she freaked out when it came to taking her to see the Easter Bunny and get all panicky with thoughts of going to the dentist and finding out they have a thing for bunnies.

5. When you and your husband are in bed later that night, you’ll make the mistake of telling him about the dentist having a bunny themed office as well as saying Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

6. He’ll then ask if you have any anti-anxiety meds left and if you do you should take one. Then he’ll say our little girl is only going to the dentist and it’s unlikely they’ll have a bunny theme, particularly creepy Easter Bunnies.

7. You normally check on your sleeping daughter a few hundred times a night but you add another hundred because not only is your child at their cutest when they’re finally sleeping after a 2 hour bedtime battle, you think Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

8. After going back to your bedroom, you find that your husband has also become so worried about it and that’s why he’s asleep.

9. You start thinking how worried you were when you took your little one to your hairdresser for their first haircut and even though you prepared for the worst, your child didn’t freak out at all and did really well because she liked your hairdresser.

10. You then start thinking that even though your hairdresser moved hours away down to San Diego, maybe she does dentistry on the side but she just didn’t get a chance to tell you about it because the two of you were too consumed with talking about crazy in-laws and celebrity gossip.

11. You kick your husband in the leg for snoring because he ripped the mask from his CPAP machine off his face. Finally you go to sleep and dream about you and Mark Ruffalo in Hawaii.

12. Hold on a minute….still dreaming.

13. You wake up the day of THE appointment and you have those first few blissful minutes where you don’t worry about anything. Then it hits you and you think f#@!.

14. You get your daughter out of bed and find that she Houdini’d her way out of her footie pajamas and her diaper. She’s sitting in her crib buck naked with the biggest smile on her face.

15. Since you feel so guilty and are pretty sure your little girl will freak out at the dentist, you let her watch as much Caillou as possible, hoping she won’t notice that you’re stressing.

16. While your child is in their Caillou or other completely annoying kids show trance, you decide this is the perfect time to get a quick shower.

17. When walking out of the bathroom, you see that your child is buck naked on your bed watching Caillou and starts laughing when she sees you laughing. You try not to laugh too hard since you’re just wearing a towel and don’t want to pee yourself. There’s no time to take another quick shower and you don’t want to go to the dentist smelling like pee but if you have to end up doing that, blame it on your 2-year-old and just say they had a leaky diaper.

Also check to see if your daughter peed the bed. You just washed the sheets and blankets the day before and feel relieved that she didn’t relieve herself on the bed because the last thing you want to do is wash everything again.

18. Have your husband go with you to the pediatric dentist because Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

19. On the way there you start freaking out and your hubby suggests once you get to the dentist, maybe it would be better if you stay in the waiting room or better yet, the car.

20. Give him the look of death and remind him since you’re sure he’s forgotten that Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me and I have to be with her.

21. Start trying to get out of taking your little one to the dentist. You see a few Mexican restaurants and suggest going there instead. You can get your 2-year-old a crunchy taco and you rationalize to your husband that having her eat the hard taco shell would be just as good for her teeth as whatever the dentist is going to do.

22. Your hubby gives you the your crazy look and you’re pretty sure he’ll tie you up and lock you in the car so you don’t scare the other patients at the possibly bunny themed dentist office.

23. When he’s only halfway pulled into the parking space, hop out of the car so you can screw up his plans.

24. While you’re in the waiting room, give your hummingbird as many hugs and kisses as they’ll allow. Feel some relief that you don’t see anything having to do with bunnies so far.

25. After waiting for what seems like forever, you’re called back and think f*ck, here we go.

26. You were worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to get your little hummingbird’s mouth open. Your little one ends up screaming their head off so the dentist is able to get a good look at their teeth. It absolutely kills you to see your little babe scared and screaming so while your hubby holds your little girl, you go over and sit down in a chair before you faint.

27. Finally the torture for the both of you is over and the dentist is really awesome with your little girl. You wish she did adult dentistry and tell your hubby later that you wish she could be your primary doctor. The dentist lets you know that the tooth your baby was born with is definitely gone but other than that, everything looks fine.

She asks if you floss your 2-year-old’s teeth and both you and your hubby laugh out loud and then realize she’s being serious. You give her a smile and tell her you’ll try in a few years and after you can get your toddler to brush their teeth without having them throw their toothbrush across the bathroom every time.

28. You leave the dentist and want to spoil your poor little girl who still has tears in her eyes.

29. You don’t normally let her have much sugar but decide going to get a cookies and cream milkshake is in order. You and your hubby will be drinking most of it anyway.

30. On the way home, mention to your hubby again about stopping to get some crunchy tacos so the hummingbird can clean her teeth with the hard taco shell after the milkshake. Plus you’re really craving tacos but your hubby doesn’t stop buttmunch.

Happy brushing!

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9 Responses to I could never be a pediatric dentist because I’d probably end up fingerless and have to hold my dental instruments with my feet but nobody would want to go to a fingerless dentist so really I’m saving money and years of having to go to dental school.

  1. shelbus99 June 27, 2011 at 07:50 #

    We just had to take our two year old son to the dentist for the first time a few weeks ago. Our pediatrician had told us to wait until he was three, but of course, klutzy McGee decided to fall in the bathtub and take a small chip out of his front tooth. So, off to the pediatric dentist we went. And when I say we, I mean I sent my husband with him because I couldn’t do it…I have an irrational fear of the dentist and I knew that it would just be traumatic for both of us. Apparently the kid didn’t even cry! What the crap???

  2. Missy June 27, 2011 at 07:51 #

    I’m kinda there in panicking with you…. only I’ve put it off till my daughter was 4! Yes, 4, and she’s never seen a dentist. But now she had these balck spots on her 4 front teeth, so I figured I had to suck it up and go! We are not seeing a pediatric dentist, just a regular one. I’m taking my 8 year old for his checkup at the same time, and he has a permanent tooth with a receeding gum that I want checked out. So I’m hoping that him going first will help the little one relax, plus I’m thinking of making the hubby go with me, so if she has to be held down, he can be the one to do it. Just like I made him be the one to take her to have blood drawn! That’s TOTALLY a Daddy job in my book! And kid is freaky strong! I don’t think I’m capable of holding her!

  3. happinessafterheartache June 27, 2011 at 18:56 #

    This was so funny and cute. At least the dentist got to look at her teeth, right? I’m taking the twins to their first dentist appointment in August. SO looking forward to it. Fun times, fun times.

  4. dsfunctionalmom June 27, 2011 at 20:54 #

    This cracked me up! I wonder how you’ll deal with loose teeth when she gets older. They skeeve me OUT, I can’t handle it at all. I can do all manner of medical emergencies and ickies, but not dental.

  5. Mcai7td3 June 28, 2011 at 08:09 #

    Hahaa aww the brave little Hummingbird! We haven’t been to the dentist yet but I have made a mental note on what will happen. Cookies and cream milkshake sounds the perfect remedy afterwards too!! 🙂

  6. Marianna Annadanna June 30, 2011 at 05:24 #

    Ah! The dentist is so scary! My mom once made me go with her when she was having a bad tooth pulled. She was so scared and she wanted my support. I thought it would be fine. I was wrong. I never knew that watching the dental surgery from the outside (rather than being the one surgered) was SO MUCH WORSE. It still makes me cringe.

  7. Jen July 5, 2011 at 10:38 #

    so funny. & true. Child#3 is going for the 1st time on thursday. Save me. Although #1&#2 willingly accompanied our dental hygienists without a care. Or me. No joke. They told me it’s easier. So I stood out & looked through a window. Perfect angels. But at home? While ‘ nother superty. Gah.

  8. woodenmonkey July 5, 2011 at 19:33 #

    When I was seven (not my first trip to the dentist) the DDS looked in my crowded and warped mouth, and told my mom their wasn’t enough room for all my teeth. And that he wanted to saw my eye teeth in half to create more space in my mouth.

    He said this while he had his hand in my mouth. I of course freaked out and locked my jaws shut. With his hand in my mouth.

    There was much screaming (from him) and gentle coaxing (from his assistant) and finally I released his hand. My mother’s comment as we left the office was “What kind of idiot leaves his hand in a kids mouth while saying scary things?”

    As an adult, I really have to agree with her. What kind of idiot was he?

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