The hummingbird is napping right now which is a miracle and I’m watching Lost In Translation for the 20,000th time this month so I have time to write a very long and boring post.

Last week I mentioned how exhausted I am because the little hummingbird has been battling bedtime for months. Only a day or two after I wrote that, she’s been getting better. She still can put up a fight but not the ginormous ones that can last 2-3 hours. I always think if I write about something I’ll jinx it and make it worse but it actually seems to make things better, not always but most of the time. Just like when I was wanting to kill my hubby over petty things. After I vented about it, things improved.

Hmmm…..I would love to have Johnny Depp and/or Mark Ruffalo appear in my living room and give me a back massage……………damn, it didn’t work.

Another reason I’m so freaking exhausted and haven’t been posting as much is because I’m finally on an antidepressant. You may or may not have read that my primary doctor was being an asshole when it came to helping me with the depression I’ve been going through as well as anxiety and panic attacks.

There were 12 psychiatrists I would have been able to pick from and go to but they’re in the same practice at the local hospital and since they’re overloaded with patients, they will give a consultation and put you on meds if necessary but they need a primary doctor involved with monitoring the meds and my doctor refused.

I’ve said in another post how confusing it was because when my hubby and I lived here previously, I had the same doctor and he had no problem prescribing these meds. I was told by a member of his staff recently, who was working at my doctor’s office back when I lived here 5 years ago, that he has never prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. Huh?

When we moved back here last summer I was thinking about trying a different doctor but decided to go with the one I had before because I thought he would give me the help if I needed it. Big mistake. I still can’t change primary doctors right now because nobody is accepting my insurance.

The anxiety I’ve had has been building up for nearly 2 years and then last fall it turned into depression. I wasn’t even going to mention it on my blog but I talk about everything else on here. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of taking meds because when I’ve been on antidepressants in the past, I get the worst side effects. But then I figured I’d rather feel zombie-ish and exhausted than cry at the drop of a hat. Of course depression is exhausting anyway.

Things are different now since I have my 2-year-old hummingbird so I can’t lay in bed all day, crying and feeling crappy like I had done when I went through depression pre-hummingbird. I also figured that since I’ve been trying to resolve this on my own for the past couple of years and it wasn’t working, I knew I had to give meds another try.

I know that therapy is a really important part of dealing with this and I’m still trying to find a psychologist but it’s been difficult since my insurance has pissed off so many providers.

I finally found a psychiatrist who doesn’t require any monitoring by my primary doctor but when I googled him and read some of his reviews, my heart sank. I know people are going to have many different opinions about doctors but when I read several that said things like avoid this doctor at all costs I thought effity eff.

I really don’t have any other options though so I’m stuck with this guy. When I called for the first appointment, they made it very clear that he doesn’t do any psychotherapy, he only does medication. My husband tried to look on the bright side and keeps on telling me that at least I’m on meds but last week was really bad and when I went to see this psychiatrist, who I’ve dubbed Dr. So Called “Doctor”, it sucks that he’s so cold and I was really needing to talk some things out. I’m still checking my insurance so if another psychiatrist becomes available, I hope to switch.

The best way I can describe him is if he was a lawyer, he would no doubt be an ambulance chaser. When I go to see him, I’m in his office less than 5 minutes. He has this huge wooden desk and a few chairs to his right side. I basically just sit there while he goes over my file and he asks me to come back the same time next week, gives me an appointment card, and writes down how many med samples I need that I then give to his receptionist who goes and gets them. He’s waiting to see what dosage I need with the meds before he prescribes them. At least that’s what I hope he’s doing.

While I’m sitting there in silence while he reads my file, I stare at his shoes. He has these shoes that look really tight on his feet and buckle on the side but they’re never buckled. I see him in the late afternoon so maybe his shoes bug him by the end of the day but all I can look at are his unbuckled shoes and wonder why in the hell doesn’t he just get another pair of shoes. It looks like he takes his shoes, stretches them out as far as they will go, and even has the tongue of his shoes sticking up so his shoes look like they have a boner.

I’ve suffered for fashion before although not for years. I live in yoga pants and flip-flops but from what I’ve seen, he could care less about fashion. My hubby and I talk about Dr. So Called “Doctor” and his unbuckled shoes after every appointment. For the rest of the day I wonder about this guy’s freaking shoes. Is it the only pair he owns? Do they give him super powers? Are they permanently stuck on his feet?

The so called “doctor” has me on an antidepressant and also an anti-anxiety med to take as needed. As shady as this “doctor” seems and as much as I don’t like him, I wanted to cry tears of joy when he said he’s giving me an anti-anxiety med. I’ve been having horrible panic attacks (not that panic attacks are ever a joy to have), sometimes two a day, and knowing I have something just in case makes me feel better. It’s like a placebo effect.

Since I’ve only been on the meds a couple of weeks, I’m still getting used to them so my mind is kind of loopy which is really nothing new and they make my brain feel fuzzy. I have no idea how else to describe it except feeling fuzzy.

So, to make another short story really long which is what I do best, this is why I haven’t been posting that often. I’m sure soon enough I’ll be posting my usual crazy nonsense (I’ve just started a post about this wheelbarrow guy in my neighborhood who’s probably a serial killer and possibly burying people by our house and another about pain in the ass cupcakes. I know, riveting stuff.) but right now when I try to write, I end up staring at a blank screen with the cursor going blink, blink, blink.

I’m having moments where I’m starting to feel a little more like myself but I know it’s going to be a long process. I’m looking forward to finding a therapist because I know that will make me feel so much better. I’ve been to a few therapists in the past and I’ve been really lucky when it comes to having great ones.

The last therapist I went to taught me different ways to deal with anxiety but when I’m in the middle of a panic attack, it’s really hard for me to use what she taught me since my thoughts become irrational. Anxiety is my biggest issue and if it gets to be too much, it ends up turning into depression if I let it go on for too long.

Having depression and anxiety is hell and it’s like you’re a prisoner in your own body but I’m hoping in the near future, I’ll be feeling much better.

I promise in my next post I won’t even mention the D word or ponder why this “doctor” won’t buckle his only pair of super power shoes that are stuck on his feet.

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7 Responses to Finally.

  1. Mama And The City June 30, 2011 at 15:22 #

    Oh my. Wow, I have been hearing a lot about anxiety, depression, etc.. (or mental problems in general) from other people too. It is funny, but I had severe anxiety since my teens until 5 years ago. Now I only have mild anxiety and only with some few specific things. I totally understand how it is to live in fear. I have to say I am not sure I know about depression, but I was very lucky to find out that what I was feeling was called anxiety and that I wasn’t alone. I quickly looked for help – free of course. Luckily I found a free workshop at UBC in the department of psychology and they ran a study for anxiety using cognitive behavioral methods. It worked as a charm for me. Yes, it is true, it doesn’t help you right in the moment you have the anxiety attack, but forces you to challenge the attack with those principles. I can happily say that all that anxiety is gone and the part that is still lingering only got reduced. I now treated with meds when needed. Good luck with this.

  2. siggiofmaine June 30, 2011 at 16:29 #

    I am so grateful that you have the courage to share…as a nurse, I can tell you that the side-effect of feeling sluggish will by six week or so go away…I found your description similar to mine … I always described it as my brain was stuffed with fluffs of cotton. i have suffered from depression and panic attacks most of my life, since my teen years. My physician described it to me as a motor needed a tune-up … and the pistons are a knocking and need to be lined up again.

    Remarkably there are people who don’t get depressed or have panic attacks and they will tell you that it is all your imagination and you are just looking for an excuse to be “lazy”… that has been my experience, anyway. I had a psychiatrist told me not to worry about the tremendous amount of weight I’d put on in two weeks, and that it would come off when I stopped the med…I asked him if he’d ever been over weight, and he said “no” and i told him a few choice words and then went to my family doctor to plead with him to take me off the med…which was controversial and possibly lethal…he did and I found someone else.

    With all you shared, i could write for hours, but this is your blog, not mine. Please share, knowing people care. Write on my blog if you need someone to listen and not judge.

    Thanks for all you shared. I love the topics you write about…and it is endearing that you call your baby, a hummingbird…i can picture her busy little movements, flitting from thing to thing, place to place in my mind.

    Peace and love, Siggi in Maine

  3. Wombat Central June 30, 2011 at 19:24 #

    Okay, I was going to keep my yapper shut, but when Mama and the City mentioned CBT, I had to jump in and high five her. If there’s any way you can find a psychologist who specializes in anxiety through the use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, please do! Mr. Buckle shoes is obviously not in the business of helping people get better. He’s dispensing bandaids. Sometimes meds are necessary. I get that. But to dispense them without the accompaniment of therapy just doesn’t make any sense. Rant over.

    I’m glad the Hummingbird is sleeping a bit better. Maybe when you all catch up on your sleep (ha ha), you’ll feel even better. 🙂

  4. Heather Simmons June 30, 2011 at 20:46 #

    I have been through similar issues. I have bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder- and finding an ARNP and counselor that are both good to work with and respectful was so important to me. I am lucky that I have both at this point.
    I am sorry that you are struggling. If you ever need to chat or get support…. let me know. I am struggling with not being on meds since I am breast feeding our lil sunshine… and I am having to pay attention to post pardum psychosis- that part is scary to me.
    The idea is, according to MY ARNP who was also a midwife and also has bipolar, is that the more I breast feed, the more I will produce prolactin which produces a calming affect and I may not need to go back on meds for a bit. But, we will see. I still have a lot of anxiety.
    I wish you the best and hope that you find the therapist that works for you.

  5. Mcai7td3 July 1, 2011 at 07:23 #

    You mention the D word as much as you bloody well like. If it helps make you feel better then why not. Although I do want to hear about the serial killer too of course. We had a witch living at the corner of mine, but she’s died now. And I think I was about 6 at the time.

  6. Raineaine July 1, 2011 at 08:15 #

    Thank you for sharing this. It can be so hard to find a decent doctor or therapist sometimes, and I’m sorry that your insurance is making it even more complicated. Have you tried checking with community mental health or your local hospital to see if they know of any providers who might be affordable outside of insurance? If there’s a nearby college, sometimes their health services or counseling department also has a list of doctors and therapists by specialty.

    I know that sounds like a rare thing, and it probably is, but I absolutely love the psychiatrist I go to now (he’s the 5th or 6th therapist I’ve been to since my teens, and the first one whose personality has not just rubber me the wrong way) and he does not handle insurance. Still, he charges less than half of what many others do, so I’m only paying about $5 more per appointment than I would have to pay with my crappy insurance coverage.

    Even if you have to stay with the doc with the weird shoes for the medications, it may be worth finding a therapist or some sort who doesn’t prescribe – sometimes clinical social workers and regular psychologists can be a cheaper option, and they’re often great at therapy since they can’t prescribe meds on their own.

    Anyway, I hope things get better for you soon and the fog lifts some. I also hope you can get the meds straightened out and find a good doctor that is afforable or covered by your insurance.

  7. Marianna Annadanna July 2, 2011 at 16:29 #

    i started with a low dose for one month, but then had to double it for the second month. I’m finally feeling a bit better but my doc says it’ll be a few more weeks before the last lingering symptoms (lack of motivation, etc) will continue to fade. The meds cause fatique too, which is a downside. But overall, I feel some extra room in my head. No other way to describe it. Extra room to think and breathe and live a little. Good luck doll. Email anytime.

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