It’s my 16 year wedding anniversary so you know what that means? A really long and embarrassing story about what happened a few weeks after my husband and I started dating.

My wedding photo. Okay, not really. Not only do I suck at drawing, I suck at trying to photoshop but I did look like a lacy vanilla cupcake at my real wedding. My hubby doesn't look like Johnny Depp but Johnny sure is nice to look at. He should get his head checked out though because it's looking flat. Maybe that's why he wears those wigs in his more recent movies.

*Beep, beep. This is a way too much info post. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Our 16 year wedding anniversary was actually on Friday (I’ve heard that 15 years of marriage means you get a big metal chicken. Damn! I missed out by one year.) but since I was sick last week, I’m behind on everything. Even my behind is behind me. Fortunately, that’s where it should be. My hubby and I were going to go out and do something but because of the plague I had, we got some take out at this hole in the wall Mexican place that we love.

After the hummingbird finally went to sleep, we were able to catch up on recent episodes of The Big C.

When we first got married I wanted romance dammit and we would leave sweet notes for each other around the house.

My husband finally washed out our recycling bin on Saturday after I nagged him about it for months. After 16 years of marriage, that was pretty freaking romantic for me. Especially since it usually takes him several months or even years to actually do something on his honey-do list.

He also gave me a couple of really nice framed pictures of the little hummingbird as well as a ton of “real” pictures of her that I can put in her baby book and photo albums. I’ve been asking him for “real” pics instead of just the pictures we have of her on the computer for over 2 years now.

I kept on telling him that I’ll just do it but he said he’ll do it because there’s one place in particular he likes to order from BUT he acts like it’s some top secret place and he wouldn’t tell me what the company name was. So, he must want me to nag him to death and I’ve happily obliged.

This is how it usually goes when I ask him to do something (like hang plants in our house that took him 9 months to do).

Me: Can you do x and y?

Him: Just put it on the to-do list.

Me: But will you actually read the list?

Him: *rolls eyes* I know what has to be done. Just put it on the list.

Me: I can just do it myself.

Him: Put it on the list. I’ll do it!

Me: Okaaaay! Sheesh!

3 months later, lather, rinse, repeat. Complain to my mom and ponder what the hell is the deal with men.

6 months later, same thing.

Me: I really need you to do x and y. Maybe I’ll just get a handyman if you can’t do it.

Him: Did you put it on the list?

Me: *stab stab stab*

~~~

I’ve mentioned before that we met back in 1995 and I was working at a beauty supply store. My coworker, “Lucy” was married at the time to “Eric”. My future hubby and Eric were roommates their freshman year of college. I didn’t see this at the time but Eric and Lucy set us up.

Lucy was pregnant with her first little babe and we both worked 1 pm-9:30 pm. Her husband would usually bring her dinner and they would go in the back room to eat. One night this guy came in with Eric. I was busy stocking shelves and didn’t pay much attention at first.

A few months earlier I ended a really awful relationship and there was no way in hell I was interested in dating ever again during that time. The other thing was my future hubby wasn’t like any of the other guys I had ever dated. He was clean-cut, was a junior in college, had a nice car, and was a sweet guy.

Before him I had Kate Hudson syndrome and loved rocker guys. I was into musicians but it wasn’t an absolute must. I had a special gift of picking losers. To be fair not all of them were losers but I’m sure my mom is shaking her head and saying hell yes, ALL of them were losers. I also liked dating older guys, anywhere from 5-10 years older and my then future hubby is only 6 months older than me.

But there was something about him and what really got me was his smile. He has this slightly crooked tooth at the top left of his mouth and when he smiled, it would get me feeling weak in the knees. He had come in with Eric to where Lucy and I worked a few times after that. Then Lucy asked me to come over one night to watch a movie. I said sure and on our way to her place, she stopped by to see if my future hubby wanted to come over.

She went into his place while I stayed in the car and when we were back on the road, she told me that he said no at first because he had to study and work on a paper for a class but she mentioned I would be there and she told me he immediately said forget the paper, I’ll be over soon.

We watched the movie ‘With Honors’ and at first my future hubby and I were sitting on opposite ends of the couch. We kept on inching closer together and by the time the movie was over, we were side by side holding hands and we’ve been together since.

About 2 weeks after we started dating, I found out that Nine Inch Nails was playing about 6 hours away and that’s when my future hubby told me that’s where his parents live and he would try to get tickets. My hubby didn’t really start listening to music until around high school and he wasn’t really familiar with NIN but I’ve always been such a music freak and really loved them.

We’ve seen NIN in concert so many times over the years and even though I tried, I couldn’t even guesstimate how many times we’ve seen them.

By the time my future hubby got the tickets and we were going to the concert, we had been together 3 weeks. Whenever I would start a new relationship, there were so many little things that would make me self-conscious. Does my hair look okay? Is there something in my teeth? Is there anything hanging out of my nose? When it came to things like going to the bathroom, I didn’t want the guy I was dating to know that GASP!! I did that.

To put it bluntly, I didn’t want a guy to know that I actually did something that everyone else does which is poop. After I was dating someone for a while I would be burping in front of him without a second thought or send a guy out to pick up some tampons but during the new relationship phase, I would be on my best behavior. You’ve gotta sucker them in before you let it all hang out.

I thought my future hubby and I would stay at a hotel when we went to see NIN but he said we could stay with his parents, in seperate rooms of course. I was nervous for all the regular reasons but one day when I was talking with my coworker, Lucy, I told her where we would be staying and she gave me this ruh roh look.

She told me that her hubby, her, and my future hubby went up there for a weekend and they were so weird. I told her that’s okay, I like weird. Lucy was like no, they’re REALLY fucking strange people. Later that night when the four of us were hanging out, Lucy and Eric, along with the future hubby, told me some of their weird and not in a good way ways. I still thought they couldn’t be that bad.

We drove in late that first night and my future in-laws were already asleep. I have to admit one of the first things I did was check the bathroom to see if they had spray but they didn’t and I thought shit, pun intended. Of course spraying after stinking up the bathroom screams out what you just did but their guest bathroom was really close to the living room and I didn’t want to use it and then have the smell float into the living room.

I did find some cleaning supplies under the sink that I could spray just in case. My future in-laws had to go somewhere the next morning so I still hadn’t met them yet. My future hubby and I were listening to the NIN cd The Downward Spiral and left it in his parents stereo, then went out for a bit.

The concert wasn’t until later that night so we were planning on going ice skating at the mall after lunch. When we got back to his parents house they were there and I was so nervous, especially after everything I was told about them. They didn’t seem that bad though. It wasn’t until we got engaged that the tide turned when it came to how my MIL acted.

His mom said that while we were out she saw the Nine Inch Nails cd and recorded it because she thought it would be great when she did her aerobics. My future hubby and I looked at each other and laughed. She told him later on that when she went to play the cd, she couldn’t believe we would listen to anything like that.

I was a vegetarian back then and his mom had made a quiche for lunch. When it came to the drink choices, I was going to have water but everyone else had milk and I wanted to brown nose a little so I had milk instead.

This is where I need to tell you that I’m lactose intolerant. I actually didn’t know there was a name for it until almost a year later when I saw commercial for lactaid pills. I obviously knew before then that milk was my enemy so I mostly just avoided it.

Since milk is the biggest offender, I use lactose free milk but other than that, I don’t really avoid much else but it also depends on the situation. If I’m out somewhere and I don’t know where a bathroom is, I try and play it safe.

 I still have ice cream, I can’t live without cheese, and I love Greek yogurt. I also still have things with milk in it like biscuits and gravy, quiche, mac n’ cheese.

I take over the counter lactaid pills when I remember but even then there’s a 50/50 chance they won’t work. My ass is unpredictable so I never know how mild or how bad the effects will be when it comes to anything I eat. I could have a bowl of ice cream and not have much trouble but I could have it a week later and end up in the bathroom saying oh my gawd what was I thinking?

I’m screwed no matter what because I’ve found over the years that a lot of things have lactose in it, not just dairy. I can just have french fries and be in agony. Some vitamin supplements I take as well as a few medications I’m on have lactose since it’s one of the things that’s used as a binding agent or a filler in food and meds.

This probably wasn’t what you had in mind when I wrote that post about wanting to be more upfront and how I sometimes hold back when it comes to what I say.

Here’s what I got from Web MD and it’s WAY more information than you want to know: symptoms of lactose intolerance can be mild or severe, depending on how much lactase your body makes. Symptoms usually begin 30 minutes to 2 hours after eating or drinking milk or milk products. If you have lactose intolerance, your symptoms may include bloating, pain or cramps in the lower belly, gurgling or rumbling sounds in the lower belly, gas, diarrhea, throwing up.

Your welcome for that unnecessary information.

Okay, so now that you got a lesson in being lactose intolerant, back to lunch with my future hubby and in-laws. I had quiche and a big freaking glass of milk. Oh my gawd! Before we were done with lunch I knew I was in trouble and my stomach was making noticeable rumbling noises. I excused myself and walked as fast as I could to the guest bathroom.

OY! I was in there for a while and before I walked out of the bathroom, I sprayed some cleaning product to cover the smell. When I walked out, everyone was in the living room and a few minutes later the scent of bathroom cleaner was in the air. I’m sure at least my future MIL was wondering what was up with that and why would I be in there cleaning her bathroom. That still makes me laugh.

My future hubby and I left for the mall and I thought that was it with my stomach issues but as he was parking, my ass was ready for Round 2. I told him I really needed to use the bathroom and thought I was going to shit my pants before I got to one. I hate using public restrooms, especially when I have to do more than pee. I think I have something like a public pooping phobia.

When you’re lactose intolerant though, it’s not like you have a choice and you can’t hold it. When I walked into the bathroom there were a few women in there and I was sitting in the stall thinking hurry the freak up people. I was in there for a long time and walked out of the bathroom where my future hubby was patiently waiting. I didn’t want him to know what I was doing in there even though it was pretty obvious so I said I must have eaten something bad earlier and threw up. Ha, he probably didn’t buy it but he didn’t say either way.

We started towards the ice skating rink and then ding, ding, ding, Round 3 started coming. I raced back to the bathroom where I thought I would die, not only because of the pain and agony that lactose can cause me but also of embarrassment because this was happening in front of my new boyfriend. Well, not literally in front of him but you know what I mean.

There was also a Round 4 so we never made it ice skating. Good thing though because years later when we finally went ice skating, I found that I’m the person you see at the side of the rink that has a death grip on anything I can get ahold of and ends up saying eff this, I’ll just sit and watch.

The NIN concert was amazing by the way. It’s brutal having to be the opening band for them and the first time we saw them The Melvins were the first band. The crowd just wanted Nine Inch Nails and some people in the floor area started tearing up the wood that was put over the hockey rink and was chucking it at the band.

Someone even lit their t-shirt on fire and threw it on stage. The band members ended up having to dodge behind the speakers that were on the stage.

Now scroll back up and look at the badly photoshopped wedding picture again that took me a surprisingly insane amount of time to do do. heh.

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11 Responses to It’s my 16 year wedding anniversary so you know what that means? A really long and embarrassing story about what happened a few weeks after my husband and I started dating.

  1. No Ordinary Momma July 14, 2011 at 10:38 #

    My first date with my hubby had some bathroom similarities (and I don’t do public restrooms)…and then the first time I spent the night at his place, I had INSANE gas and had to keep sneaking out of bed while he slept to go downstairs to fart. It was horrible. I feel your pain.

    • Elle July 18, 2011 at 20:48 #

      I would keep candles around my hubbys apartment as well as mine and if I would get gassy, I would light the candle with a match so the smell wouldn’t be as obvious. 😉

  2. talesof2children July 14, 2011 at 13:55 #

    The stories are so funny because we have all been there!! I am lactose intolerant to although I get the horrible pains doubling over….like labour pains rising and fall not so much continuous rounds just one and I’m out!! And the great pains we would suffer because we didn’t want to fart in front of them!! Has anyone seen the commercial where the women gets in the car and farts so loud and then her boyfriend gets in and says have you met so and so LOL kills me

    • Elle July 18, 2011 at 20:50 #

      I LOVE that commercial!

  3. themrs July 14, 2011 at 14:10 #

    my 11 year old just walked over while i was reading and said why is that cupcake marrying johnny depp? i’m dying here. and i love you.

  4. siggiofmaine July 14, 2011 at 14:18 #

    Love your post, not your pain. It’s a universal fear…”fahting” and “distemper” as I learned it was called in this part of Maine. When I let one loose ( a “faht”..if you are really from here, you say it with two syllables) by surprise (to me) as I was walking with a friend (female) …she looked at me in surprise and said “I didn’t know nurses did that ! ”
    It still cracks me up to think about that remark forty-ish years later ☺.

    ☮ ♥ Siggi in Downeast Maine

    • Elle July 18, 2011 at 20:53 #

      Lol! That’s so funny! 🙂 When I was 15 I just started dating someone and he was playfully chasing me down the sidewalk near my house. Out of nowhere I let out a faht and wanted to have the ground open up and swallow me.

  5. mayfly79 July 14, 2011 at 17:28 #

    Aww, that is so disgusting! And so sweet =) I’m glad to know there’s hope out there even for the digestively challenged lol…

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