A guest post from a mama of twins who lives by her own rules and would protect her babies from zombies by using vegetable oil.

*I want to give a big thank you to Jamie. My house is filled with the plague and my hubby and the little hummingbird are hacking up their lungs. I was doing that at the beginning of the week but now I have some kind of raging zombie sinus infection so I asked Jamie if she would mind doing her guest post a little earlier.

My head feels like it’s going to explode so the biggest question I have is if I have a zombie sinus infection and my head goes kaboom!, would I be able to eat my own brains? Did I mention I’m on some awesome pain meds and shouldn’t be allowed to go near a computer? Let’s get to Jamie.

I’m a married mother of 5 month old twins, Clive and Scarlet. I love my babies with all my heart, even though I’m convinced they’re out to turn my hair gray before I reach 30. My mission in life is to  drive my husband crazy before he drives me crazy and I’m winning so far.

I’m an amateur blogger with a blog I started just a few weeks ago, Life Is Better With Me In It, and I promise to post more adorable pictures of my babies, because the world needs it.

Q and A with Jamie.

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Jamie: My first instinct was to take the flame thrower but then I figured that I would probably not only burn myself but the entire building I was hiding in, so I’m going with vegetable oil. That way I can just pour it on the ground, they slip and fall, and I run away. Oh and the fact that I won’t burn down the town is just an added bonus.

Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?

Jamie: Speidi (if they can share a name they can share a rocket) because I’ve always wanted a parade thrown in my honor and I think that would do it.

Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house?

Jamie: Rebecca Black’s Friday and Miley Cyrus’s Party in the USA makes me want to shake my money-maker and makes my husband want to kill himself. Win win!

Elle: What is an embarrassing moment you had as a teenager?

Jamie: Definitely the time I was arrested in front of my boyfriend’s house (now known as my in-laws house), taken to jail, and mistaken as a crack whore by the warden. All on the night of my mom’s 40th birthday party bash. Nothing says happy birthday Mom like a midnight jail call!

~~~

Having a degree in Child and Family studies plus being a mom of twins pretty much makes me a parenting expert. Harvard might as well just give me a doctorate.

Children don’t come with instructions. I’ve always hated that line. It’s a sucky thing to say to a first time parent who every time that is said quietly thinks to themselves, no shit.  So since no one has come out with instructions I’ve decided to write my own.  You’re welcome!

1. I’ve heard many parents say “Give your children plenty of  praises” I say don’t. Instead, teach your children to praise you. You’re the one raising them, giving them free stuff. You deserve the most love.

2. Lie to your children to make your life easier. Grandma may have poisoned those cookies so I have to eat them all just in case.

3. Sing your baby rap songs as if they were lullabies. Baby’s gotta learn pimpin’ early.

4. The day after your baby is born go to Wal-Mart and let him roll around. They need to build up their immune system and they can’t live in a bubble forever.

5. Use television as a babysitter. Parenting takes up too much time as it is.

6.  Play favorites with your children. Competition is healthy and they need to compete for your love. Whoever makes the best martini wins!

7.  Give your children lots of sugar and carbs. The bigger they look, the smaller you look!

8. Don’t make them buckle up their seatbelts. They need to be able to move around and give a shoulder massage on demand.

9.  Always let them watch rated R movies. The more they know the less you have to explain.

10. Discourage most forms of reading. The words are big and complicated and the kid will just start bugging you to tell him what the words say and mean.

Look for my book coming out in 2012! Ok there’s not a book, but there should be because I’m freakin’ AWESOME.

~If you would like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not I’m looking at you Sarah K., send me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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16 Responses to A guest post from a mama of twins who lives by her own rules and would protect her babies from zombies by using vegetable oil.

  1. Elle's Mom July 28, 2011 at 18:09 #

    Hey Jaimie, great post. My favorite is #4. I had a customer today who was sick and didn’t want to get too close to me. I told him that it was ok I have been exposed to more germs pushing around a Wal-Mart cart. Bravo to you being the mama of twins. A good sense of humor will serve you a long way in the road to come.

    • Jamie July 29, 2011 at 06:03 #

      Thank you, a sense of humor is the only way I survive.

  2. Elle P. July 28, 2011 at 18:56 #

    My favorite is # 2, you evil genius! I will be heading over to “Life Is Better With Me In It” momentarily.

    Elle and fam, I hope you feel better soon!

    • Jamie July 29, 2011 at 06:04 #

      Thanks Elle, I hope you enjoy my blog. It’s pretty new but I hope enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.

      • Elle P. July 29, 2011 at 19:46 #

        I REALLY enjoyed reading it last night! I even tried commenting but it wouldn’t except Elle as my username, nor would it accept my blog name Spill the Beans. Any suggestions? Haaaaaalllllpppp!

        • Jamie July 30, 2011 at 14:17 #

          Hmm I don’t know why it’s not working. I’ll look into that. Thanks!

  3. Ami July 29, 2011 at 06:23 #

    Hahahahahaha I would buy that parenting book!

    • Jamie July 29, 2011 at 14:30 #

      Thanks, I would too :) but i wouldn’t have to because it’s my book and I hope they give me at least one free copy. They’d be jerks if they didn’t. Now I’m pissed at fake publisher. I need another drink.

  4. Abby July 29, 2011 at 06:25 #

    Hmmm, you definitely have something there with number one…so since your advise was not readily available 14 years ago…please tell how to accomplish this with a teenager. Thanks!

    • Jamie July 29, 2011 at 07:29 #

      Abby,
      You’ve asked the right person for this advice. A lot of child experts will tell you to take away things like, cell phones, ipods, computers, etc. and not give them back until the teenager behaves. I agree with this to an extent. You should take those items away, but make sure to replace them with electronics from the 90s. Make your teenager carry around a huge 90s cell phone, a walk men (not for CDs the cassette ones), and work on an old computer with dial up speeds. They’ll be so embarrassed they’re walking around looking lame and they’re beloved Facebook won’t load that they’ll never piss you off again.

  5. Cheryl M. July 29, 2011 at 06:52 #

    We’ve got malaria over here…it’s a combo cold/conjunctivitis/ear infection. So fun for all – especially the 5yo and 5mo! I say we team up and sell our germs to the government so they can save the money they are paying to all those chemists for biological warfare…what we’ve got would beat the hell out of anything they come up with!

    Great idea with the vegetable oil Jamie! I’ll have to finally cave to my husband’s bizarre desire to buy a vat of it at BJs!

  6. Jamie July 29, 2011 at 07:49 #

    Cheryl,
    Great idea of selling your germs to the government!
    I highly recommend the vegetable oil idea. Plus it’s super cheap and with the millions you’ll make selling your germs you can just buy a warehouse full of it for the zombie Apocalypse. You and I will need to team up after zombies attack. I’ll have my people call yours.

  7. happinessafterheartache July 29, 2011 at 10:49 #

    I am definitely taking this advice to heart. I figure there’s only really one rule; Why worry about messing up your kids? We’re all messed up and doing just fine thank you very much. TV, Junk Food, Rap Music, R rated movies; all of these things fit right in to that one rule.

    • Jamie July 29, 2011 at 14:25 #

      I like your philosophy. I feel like we would be BFF’s and our kids could gripe together about how much their therapy bills cost because of us. Cheers!

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