My husband likes to steal other people’s cats in his spare time.

My little girl decided to wake up at 4 am and didn’t want to go back to sleep but guess what? It’s now about 6 am and she’s sleeping soundly while I’m wide awake.

Since I’m up, let me tell you a story about a man named Jed. A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. Then one day he was shootin’ at some food. And up through the ground came a bubblin’ crude. Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Wait! Wrong story.

Even though it’s been four months since our kitty, Zira, has been missing, we’re still on the lookout for her. Last week my hubby came home from work and the little hummingbird wanted to go for a ride in her wagon.

He said he wasn’t going very far with the hummingbird but we’ve always had a difference of opinion when it comes to distance.

My version of not walking very far = walking maybe 5-10 minutes.

My hubby’s version of not walking very far = hiking 25 miles through a snowstorm, a monsoon, a tornado, up a big ass hill, and having it take most of the freaking day.

I was sick and laying on the couch. They had been gone for quite a while and I had fallen asleep. I woke up to the phone ringing. Our phone says who’s calling and when I heard it was my husband, I did what any good wife would do and ignored the call. Then he called again and I thought something must be going on so I picked up.

My husband told me that he might have found Zira and said to meet him at the playground down the street. I kept saying what? what? are you serious? what? because I couldn’t believe it and then I asked him where he was. He told me he couldn’t explain which probably meant he walked to the next state over from us so that’s why we need to meet at the playground and he also said to bring the cat kennel.

My hubby was having a hard time keeping hold of the cat and wanted help with the hummingbird. By the end of the phone call I was up off of the couch and so excited. I was wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts but wanted to get to him asap and thought it was too time consuming to run upstairs to get my bra so instead I threw on my jacket to cover up the fact that I wasn’t wearing one, put on my flip-flops, found the cat kennel, and started running down the sidewalk to the playground.

There I was running down the street like a cracked out crazy woman, without a bra that I really need when I’m out in public. I’m only 5’2″ and have double d’s. Yeah, it’s a scary sight when I run without a bra, plus there’s a chance I might knock myself unconscious. When I win the lottery (I’m sure my chances would be better if I actually bought lottery tickets) I would get my boobs reduced.

Anyway, I was hoping I wouldn’t come across any children or parents because I didn’t want to scare them with my out of control boobs that were flipping around every which way.

I saw my hubby and as soon as I layed eyes on the cat, I was pretty sure it wasn’t Zira but I wasn’t 100% sure. We got back to our house and went to the backyard. My hubby was still holding the cat while we tried to figure out if it was our kitty. Then I was 100% certain that it wasn’t.

The cat was a tuxedo cat like Zira but there were things that were off. This cat had much bigger paws you know what they say about big feet and seemed bulkier. I told my hubby that not only is it not our cat, I think this kitty is a boy. He pointed out that since Zira has been missing for months, she could have changed. I agreed but said unless there’s some kind of kitty steroids out in the wilderness, this isn’t our cat.

I even went to grab some pictures to show him. Zira had a small white mark on the left side of her nose but this cat had a bigger round white spot on the lower right side of its face. My husband still wasn’t convinced and said he wanted to keep the cat in the backyard and bring the kitty to our vet in the morning to see if it was microchipped.

As soon as he set the cat on the ground, it ran underneath his grill. We set out some food and water and went back inside. That’s when I asked my hubby where exactly did he find this cat. He told me while he and the hummingbird were walking past a house, he saw the kitty in the yard.

I said Oh my gawd! What if you have stolen someone’s kitty and they were inside their house watching?!  While the cat appeared to be healthy and fed, it did seem like it had been a stray for a while so we didn’t think that would actually be the case but it didn’t stop me from calling my hubby a cat napper for the rest of the night.

There’s a scene in the movie Julie & Julia where Julie has to cook live lobsters and her husband keeps saying lobster killer in a sing-song voice. That was how I was saying cat napper and by the end of the night both my hubby and I kept on singing cat napper.

I was on pins and needles waiting for my hubby to return from the vet the next day. The cat ended up not being Zira which I knew but it was microchipped. The problem is the microchip only had info for a vet in North Carolina and our vet’s office kept on trying to contact them but there was no answer.

We were talking about what to do next and then a light bulb went on. We both looked at each other with an oh shit, this kitty probably has been cat napped look. I told my husband he should go back over to the house where he found the cat. Hold on….

Bwahahahahahaha. *breathes* Hahahahahahahahaha.

Okay, I’m back.

He went over to the house to ask if they by any chance had a cat. The only person home was the teenage daughter and she said they do have a cat and they’re from North Carolina. So my hubby came back to our house and got their poor, traumatized, stolen kitty while I was practically in hysterics because I couldn’t stop laughing and peed myself a little.

From what my cat napper husband got from the girl he talked to, the cat is always outdoors so it didn’t seem like this family even noticed their cat was missing.

My husband’s intentions were good and he was really convinced that it was Zira. It was an honest mistake but a funny one……that I can hold over him.

If he ever complains that I don’t cook that often, which I know he never will or else he’d get a knee to his nuts, I can always say Well, at least I didn’t steal someone’s cat. Or if the little hummingbird wakes up in the middle of the night and I don’t want to get out of our warm and cozy bed, I can say Hey cat napper, she’s all yours. People who steal someone else’s cat right out of their own yard have to get up.

This cat napping is like a get out of cooking and cleaning jail free card. Woo hoo!

To my husband’s credit, Zira and the stolen cat did look similar.

Our precious and dearly missed cat, Zira.

~~~

The kitty my cat napper husband took.

~~~

And just because, a photo of Maisy. My hubby finally set up the fish tank for the little hummingbird since she loves going to the local aquarium. We have 2 goldfish so far and Maisy seems much more interested in the fish than my little girl.

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22 Responses to My husband likes to steal other people’s cats in his spare time.

  1. Abby August 3, 2011 at 11:26 #

    haha LOVE this story! And I love that you guys still wanted to be sure she hadn’t just had a sex change operation while she was AWOL.

    • Elle August 3, 2011 at 11:46 #

      Lol! The kitty wouldn’t let us look up it’s skirt so to speak but I was pretty sure it was a boy (the vet said the cat was neutered). I told my husband he should just bring the cat back where he found it but apparently he thinks markings on a cat can change in the wild along with growing a penis. ;)

  2. Jessica @ Deployment Divas August 3, 2011 at 12:36 #

    OMG. that was the best story ever. The “she could have changed” had me rolling!
    I would flip if my cat got lost. Reminds me to make sure both have updated info on their microchips :)

  3. Heather Simmons August 3, 2011 at 13:00 #

    Sooo funny! I have had two black and white cats that look so similar to yours. The first one, I name Valerie (after an Ice Cream Sundae at a local place), a few months later, his goods fell out and she became a he. This does happen… and kittens sometimes don’t have their goods into place until 6 months or so. He was called Remington after that.
    The second kitty, Noah, was my therapy cat. I miss him dearly. He had to be put to sleep about 2 years ago. He was a dear. Miss him so much!
    I totally sympathize with you over the boob issue too!! They have not made an industrial size sports bra that can hold these ta-ta’s so that I would feel comfortable running with them… not like I would run anyways… but still. I will stick to yoga, and wait for the day I, too, can get a breast reduction.

  4. mommymetamorphosis August 3, 2011 at 14:12 #

    Still cracking up (I started reading this in the car while baby girl was a asleep and I just finished while I was laughing, this is no joke, my four month old did too!
    LOVE IT! Glad I don’t have a cat, for your husband to steal!

    • Elle August 4, 2011 at 22:18 #

      “Glad I don’t have a cat, for your husband to steal!”

      Omg! That is hilarious! ;)

  5. teri August 3, 2011 at 22:41 #

    I. Can. Not. Stop. Laughing.

    Holy hell.

    Many thanks to your husband for making me laugh so hard I peed my pants a little. (And, of course, to you, for writing about it so brilliantly!)

    LOLROFLMAOTTYLBFFNBC

  6. Suzi August 4, 2011 at 04:00 #

    That’s awesome. Maybe cat markings do change in the wild. I’m sure stranger things have happened… I also sympathize with the boob issue. I have to wear 2 sports bras when I work out to keep it all under control. I mean, I don’t want to give myself a black eye or anything.

  7. Elle August 4, 2011 at 22:16 #

    My hubby didn’t have the greatest day today so I read all of your comments to him and it gave him a good laugh. :)

  8. Denise Bacher August 5, 2011 at 00:30 #

    Zira is beautiful!! I do hope she comes home sometime.

    It was because my Halle went missing for 3 days that I now can never let her outside. Been 4 years since she has gone out and played in grass.

    When we found her again I was near to tears. As it was I found her in a parking lot of a hospital, so I know this cat is a roamer.

    But she seems content to be an indoor cat. Only going out on our porch to sunbath. Of course she has gained quite a bit of weight, but that should change when we get out of the apartment and into a house.

    And wow can I commiserate with the boobs issue. I had a reduction (from an H to a C) and I still did not feel right running. Now they are a D and I do not ever run if I can help it.

  9. Kim August 5, 2011 at 01:32 #

    I am impressed by the dedication you two have for your cat! I’ll remember it next time I see a man taking a cat from a yard or a woman running bra-less down the street with a kennel, since I see that so often and I’ll think, they must be looking for their lost kitty :)

    Hopefully it will be found!! It is an adorable cat and thank goodness you have such a good photo of its markings!

  10. Marianna Annadanna August 7, 2011 at 07:32 #

    What a joke! He STOLE a cat! hahahahahaha! Classic. Also, Maisy is adorable.

  11. NotMyYearOff September 15, 2011 at 21:45 #

    I can see why he stole him, they do look very similar :) I imagining him running down the street with kitty hidden under jacket!!-

  12. Becky June 19, 2013 at 08:40 #

    This is stupid… And it’s a Terrible story you steal someone’s cat and keep it and joke about stealing it? If you ever stole my cat you would be wishing you don’t get messed up more then you deserve and for all your friend commenters your also a retard for finding this funny. She said she didn’t return it because her (obviously retarded husband) said they change markings… This thread is disgusting poorly written with clique sassy one liners who only hillbilly alcoholic mothers would find funny. You should be ashamed of your self you selfish cunt.

    • Elle June 19, 2013 at 14:21 #

      A troll with no life called me a selfish cunt and my blog readers hillbilly alcoholic mothers?!

      Best Compliment Ever!!

  13. Becky June 21, 2013 at 10:54 #

    Yup, someone as fucked up as you and your family sounds, would find that a suitable compliment. I’m sure you have been called worse. I actually feel bad for your children (if your used up womb could even hold a child) for having two retarded parents who steals cats and brag about it on the internet.That’s animal abuse, trespassing, theft and just plain morally wrong. But since it sounds like your a red neck with the IQ of a fruit fly, I guess I can’t really blame you. Like I said this was a poorly written blog anyone who would find this garbage funny must be a hillbilly alcoholic. Either that or are just deranged idiots. Oh and your husband really must be a retard. lol

    • Elle June 21, 2013 at 23:19 #

      My husband found the cat roaming around outside of the house, near the street. No clue which house it came from. We were the ones who took the cat to the vet to find out if he was micro chipped so we could find the owners.

      He was dehydrated, and infested with fleas. A few months later, we found out the cat died because the owners didn’t give him the proper care that was needed and they were charged with animal abuse. So, Becky, go drink a big bottle of shut the fuck up.

      You need professional help.

      • stinker June 28, 2013 at 02:17 #

        yeah, take that becky!

        just found your blog and am having a good laugh :) too bad you’re not moving to good ol’ missouri. we could be hillbilly pals!

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