Uncomfortably numb.

*I wrote down what I’m feeling and it’s probably a bunch of gibberish but I’m not reading it back or else I won’t post it so I’m sure there are spelling errors and all that jazz.

I’ve tried to keep it together when it comes to the miscarriage but by Saturday night I completely lost my shit. I’m sure the meltdown I had could have been worse but I have so many emotions and thoughts racing around in my head and it feels like my heart will never be the same. My husband has absolutely no idea what to say or do even though I’ve tried to talk to him several times.

I think for the first 4 or 5 days I was just feeling numb. While I was really upset over the loss, I figured that would be the worst of it. I wasn’t even fucking close. Everything has been irritating me and I’ve been laying in bed whenever I can. Part of it is because of the physical effects, the other is because I’ve been throwing myself a pity party.

I *finally* found a psychologist though. That in itself was difficult because of my insurance but also because it is so hard to actually make that phone call for the first appointment.

I had my first session with “Dr. Sweetly” last Friday. I unloaded so much shit within an hour and a half and felt a little better. I was also relieved because I really like her. I was scared she wouldn’t be the therapist for me since you just never know and might need to see a few before you find the right one you mesh with. As soon as she greeted me in the waiting room I knew I hit the jackpot.

A few hours later the cramping I’ve been having got so bad and hurt so much that I felt like the pain was going to split me in half. I called the P.A. at my doctor’s office but they close at noon on Friday so I had to go to a walk in clinic. At the time I was also still having awful pain from my sinus infection so when I went to the clinic I wrote that I needed to see the doctor for both things.

When I was called back and doubled over from the cramps and pain I was having, the first thing the medical assistant said was “they don’t deal with miscarriages there so I’m on my own.” Um, well fuck.

I’m really bad at hiding my feelings and by that point I was doing the ugly cry. My head felt like it was going to explode and I was having awful pain in my abdomen. The doctor came in and reiterated about not being able to “deal with or talk about (my) miscarriage”.

He said he’s only allowed to prescribe a medication for the pain that I’ve taken before which doesn’t do shit. A shot of nyquil would be more helpful. As I was walking into the waiting room (nobody else was in there except the hubby and hummingbird….and the receptionist) I sort of lost my shit then.

I was crying and saying this was completely pointless and totally wasted our time. I’m not very proud to say I dropped some choice words in front of my daughter, which normally I’m careful about doing, but I felt so screwed over and was in the worst pain. I would go as far as saying that it was almost as bad as when I was in labor.

I think it was because I had the two things going on, I wasn’t getting much sleep because of the pain which I know made it even worse, and the stress and emotions were just too much on my body. So, we had no choice but to go from the walk in clinic straight to the ER. On a Friday night. Oy!

We don’t live in that big of a city but the place was pretty full. It’s not like I’m looking for people in health care to drop to their knees and tell me how sorry they are for what I’m going through but I felt everyone I came across seemed so cold.

When the ER nurse called my name and brought me back to the curtained room he said so I see you have some sinus pain and a little cramping. Seriously?! I understand that you have to desensitize yourself somewhat when you’re in that profession but just a little bit of compassion would have helped.

I laid there for almost 3 hours before anyone even came to administer some meds but in the meantime I had to listen to the staff talk about what they were going to order for dinner and hear in detail about how one place makes the chicken they serve too spicy.

The one funny thing about being in the ER is after the meds I was given started kicking in, I started taking pictures of my finger. My hubby was walking around with the hummingbird in her stroller which isn’t an easy feat because we rarely use it anymore (and my daughter hates being stuck in it) but we knew we should bring it along in case she actually got sleepy. We got to the ER around 7:30 pm which is close to her bedtime.

E.T. phone home.

~~~

I kept on taking more pictures of my cool glowing red finger because the meds were really working some magic and pretty soon I started thinking when it comes to taking cell phone pics, I’m so freaking awesome. There I was in my little room in the ER having a photo shoot with my finger.

Then I thought holy shit, next I can take photos of the hospital socks on my feet and it will be genius. Yep, I was as loopy as they come with medicated induced grandeur. But thankfully I got distracted and the pictures of my feet didn’t happen. You’re welcome.

We finally left the ER a little after midnight and the hummingbird was freaking wired as can be. The doctor did very little for me except give me some pain relief and of course told me I should go to my regular doctor.

On Tuesday I did just that. Let me clarify; I normally see my Dr.’s physican assistant because last fall when I went to my doctor & told him I’m feeling really depressed and he refused to help I thought eff this guy. I know I need a new dr. but with my Tricare insurance the way it is, the only other primary doctors available right now suck to be honest.

While I was seeing the P.A., he set it up so I can have an ultrasound on Friday (today) and then this coming Monday I’m scheduled to see a gynecologist. In the meantime the P.A. was going to give me more medication to give me some relief since it wouldn’t be until the next week when I would see the gyno. I still have that appointment although the thought of dealing with another heartless doctor makes me sick.

 While we were talking, my primary doctor walked in the room not realizing the P.A. was with a patient and started walking back out. The P.A. stopped him and asked for his opinion. Then I thought phuckity phuck because my primary probably wouldn’t even prescribe water if it was needed, he’s that bad.

When the P.A. brought my primary doc up to date and told him he was going to give me more meds so I can make it through the week, Dr. Asshole said Absolutely Not! Grrrr! He said all that would do would mask the pain.

Okay, you might want to cover your eyes but what the fuck guy?! I feel like hell and I actually can understand his thinking (okay, not really although I understand people will have a difference of opinion…but as my mom says, my primary doctor is as fucking loony as they come) but I don’t give a shit if it masks the pain. It helps and I have a wild 2-year-old so it’s not like I really have any time to relax.

I did get in contact with the babysitter we’ve used before and who we trust but she’s in the middle of moving so she isn’t able to look after the hummingbird until next week when I have my next appointment with my therapist.

After having another mini meltdown, they decided the best thing to do was to go back to the ER so I wouldn’t have to wait for the ultrasound. Back we went and this time it was in the early afternoon and not much waiting. Also, I had a better experience with the nurses and the ER doctor.

The ultrasound didn’t show an infection and the Dr. said that in his opinion he thinks that part of the reason I’m still having problems is because of everything going on and because I wasn’t treated properly the first time around as far as pain management and he felt that with my depression and anxiety it just made my pain worse.

He gave me some loopy meds and while I’m starting to feel like I’m on the mend, I’m still a wreck. My cramping and lower back pain is almost too much to bear still. And the emotions I’ve been having along with the hormones make me feel like a basket case.

I know miscarriage usually happens because something is wrong but I was telling my husband last night how I can’t help but feel guilty because in the last month I was on 3 very stong antibiotics and some pain meds my ENT doc, Dr. Cool, gave me for the raging sinus infection I had.

He sees it differently although he won’t tell me what he’s feeling and I told him I can’t help but think how it was when we got the first ultrasound pictures of the little hummingbird.

I was just over 9 weeks pregnant and my daughter was a tiny ball with stumpy arms and legs. It seemed so surreal that I was pregnant but looking back, the wee little hummingbird that we saw in the ultrasound pics has turned into the most amazing little girl. I’ve heard people say once you have a child it’s like your heart is now outside of our chest and I feel that’s so true.

Even though I think I was only a few weeks into this pregnancy and might not have even found out I was pregnant if it wasn’t for intuition (I think I would have thought the miscarriage was just a really awful period), I can’t help but think about what this child would be like.

To make things worse my crazy in-laws are coming for a visit next Friday and staying for 4 days. Thankfully they’re staying at a hotel but when they visit they’re here at our house from the early morning until late at night so I don’t really get a break from them.

I really have no idea how I’m going to handle them, especially my MIL and her knocking me down every chance she gets. This time around my feelings are so raw.

My mom and sister know about the miscarriage but my in-laws don’t. At first I was thinking maybe if they did know I would get a slight break from my mother-in-law but I seriously doubt it. I’m thinking she would find a way to be even more horrible so we’re not saying anything.

Time to sharpen that shank again.

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22 Responses to Uncomfortably numb.

  1. Connie Laettner Krebs August 26, 2011 at 14:09 #

    I am so so very sorry hon, not only for your loss but also because of the physical part of it as well. It stinks being a mom and having to try to hold it together for your little ones. Let it out and there are plenty of people here for you!

    • Elle August 26, 2011 at 23:55 #

      Thank you so much. x

  2. Mcai7td3 August 26, 2011 at 14:22 #

    I hope you are ok, sounds really horrible. And not the out laws!!! Is there any way to put them off a couple of weeks whilst you get some much needed rest? I can imagine if it was me I would probably scream at them first time they pissed me off.

    • Elle August 26, 2011 at 23:57 #

      I wish they could delay their visit but it’s the only time my husband has a break from teaching until December. Waiting until then is fine with me but I know how much they want to see the little hummingbird.

  3. Wombat Central August 26, 2011 at 15:25 #

    In-laws adding insult to injury–GAH! I’m so sorry for your loss and pain and the crappy “treatment” you got at urgent care. I hope writing about this helps some, the therapy helps some, and whatever else it takes to make you begin to feel like you again. Hugs to you.

    • Elle August 26, 2011 at 23:58 #

      Thanks sweetie. xx

  4. Gumbygirl August 26, 2011 at 16:43 #

    I’ll be praying for you girlie. My MIL is coming next weekend too. Lord I hope we make it out alive. Keep your chin up I know it’s hard but you have an amazing hubby and an amazing hummingbird 🙂 just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get through this.

    • Elle August 27, 2011 at 00:00 #

      I hope you survive and don’t end up killing her. Wait….is that such a bad thing? xo

  5. Alicia August 26, 2011 at 16:50 #

    Okay, I am reaching through the screen and giving you a big, fat hug whether you like it or not! I cannot believe the insensitivity of ANYONE who works in the medical field. That just blows my mind. If you don’t CARE about your patients, then stop being a doctor/nurse/etc. UGH. Sorry, just pisses me off! This is soooo bad timing for the in-laws to visit, huh? 🙁

    • Elle August 27, 2011 at 00:04 #

      Exactly! I normally have the greatest respect for nurses but was shocked by the behavior of the ones I dealt with the first time I went to the ER. It helped somewhat the second time I went because my nurse was really great.

      The in-laws visit couldn’t be worse timing. Ugh!!

  6. Kat Powers August 26, 2011 at 18:25 #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter how far along you were. You lost a baby and you need to grieve. I had a similar experience (several times). I lost my babies at about 5-6 weeks. Once, I only knew I was pregnant because I had gone in for my annual exam. I understand that the medical staff feels they need to distance themselves, but how can they stand there (straight faced with no feeling) saying that there’s nothing they can do? I knew there was nothing they could do, but just a little sympathy would have been welcomed! I swear. I’ve gotten more sympathy for my phone being stolen, then I ever have from a doctor, nurse or PA while I was having a miscarriage. I totally how you are feeling. It was so hard to go for follow-up appointments because I would be surrounded by pregnant women. But, please remember that you are not alone. There are a lot of us out here who have been through similar pain. I had an easy first pregnancy, followed several miscarriages. Eventually, I got pregnant again and found a new doctor who figured out my problem. I went on to have two more awesome kids. But, I will always remember those lost babies. My kids did not replace those babies. Really, the thing that got me through the first miscarriage was my son, who was 4 at the time. I was so depressed and a friend reminded me how lucky I was to have a healthy, happy child and a good marriage (even if I was totally pissed at my husband for not knowing how to help me). I also felt guilt, I took an Aleve a few days before (not knowing I was pregnant) and when I realized, I thought it must be my fault! But, it wasn’t and it isn’t your fault either. I’m sending you a hug through the web. I hope you can feel it. (Sorry for rambling!)

    • Elle August 27, 2011 at 00:14 #

      Thank you for the hug and your kind words. That’s the problem with my hubby, he doesn’t understand that I need the time to grieve over this loss no matter how far along I was.

      And your more than welcome to have your comments be as long as you want. I felt better after reading yours so thank you. xoxo

  7. teri August 26, 2011 at 21:25 #

    I can’t believe you went through all of that to get the help you needed!!! It’s outrageous! I’m outraged for you!!! Let me know if I need to drive up there (with a ladder, naturally) and rescue you from the in-laws…they better be good to you or else I will be forced to use even more exclamation points on your post about how awful they were and no one wants that!!!!!!!

    • Elle August 27, 2011 at 00:16 #

      You absolutely must drive up here when my in-laws come to visit!!! I’ll go even more insane if you don’t!! I’ll leave my bedroom window unlocked for you!!!!!

  8. Ryan Ann August 26, 2011 at 22:00 #

    Oh Elle…. BIG, GIANT, HUUUUUUUUGE BEAR HUGS. I cannot even begin to imagine where you’re at right now, and I am so very sorry. I would personally LOVE to get my hands on that piece of dog shit “DR.” and beat some sense and compassion into him. That he could be SO cold, and heartless and… well,just plain STUPID astounds me. To not even want to give you pain meds because it will only “mask the pain?” Call me crazy, but I kinda always thought that was the WHOLE POINT of pain meds? UGH! I’m gonna stop while I’m ahead, or I will go on all night, because this has me so pissed off for you. I am literally in tears. >:-(

    Remember, I’m here if you need me… For ANYthing at ANYtime. I’m sending good vibes out your way… BIG HUGS again, my friend.

    • Elle August 27, 2011 at 00:22 #

      Yeah, the doctor I have is fucking crazy and I can’t deal with him anymore. I thought that was the point of pain meds too. As hard as it will be to find a new Dr., I need to start looking. You have my permission to beat the shit out of him…..and then not give him anything for the pain.

  9. Sarah August 27, 2011 at 02:03 #

    I’m so sorry to hear this!! I hope things go ok for you this week.

  10. Dysfunctional Mom August 27, 2011 at 02:07 #

    You have been through hell. I want to hold your hand, and walk to all these dr appointments with you, and scream at all of the ones who treated you coldly (or worse). Starting with the walk in clinic – “you’re on your own?” Seriously? WTF??
    And now the in-laws? You need a vacation. That’s just too much for anyone to deal with!

  11. Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl August 27, 2011 at 06:29 #

    Oh hon, so sorry for all you’re going through!
    If it was up to me, doctor’s would have to take 2 years of “Bedside Manner” classes to make them human. Some of them only get into it for the money, and that should be freaking illegal! They should also have to undergo psychiatric evaluation to make sure they actually feel compassion and sympathy so they don’t forget to at least try to fake it.
    If your mother-in-law gives you a hard time, give it right back to her! Sometimes getting angry at someone – and actually letting it show – is enough to help you feel better when you’re grieving. If I was there IRL, I would chain her up in the basement for you!

  12. Marianna Annadanna August 27, 2011 at 07:33 #

    Wow. What an ordeal. I’m so sorry darlin. Let yourself lose your shit sometimes – it can help. And keep going to see your new awesome therapist. It will get better. One little step at a time.

  13. Jamie August 29, 2011 at 09:17 #

    So sorry you’re going through this and the doctors are being insensitive. I couldn’t even imagine how your feeling right now, I’m sending you big hugs!!!

  14. MK August 31, 2011 at 03:27 #

    Every single emotion and feeling you’re going through is 100% justified. I know that doesn’t make it better, but sometimes people make us feel crazy for having feelings. Hang in there. I won’t say I know how you feel because I cannot even begin to imagine. Xoxo.

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