*I wrote down what I’m feeling and it’s probably a bunch of gibberish but I’m not reading it back or else I won’t post it so I’m sure there are spelling errors and all that jazz.
I’ve tried to keep it together when it comes to the miscarriage but by Saturday night I completely lost my shit. I’m sure the meltdown I had could have been worse but I have so many emotions and thoughts racing around in my head and it feels like my heart will never be the same. My husband has absolutely no idea what to say or do even though I’ve tried to talk to him several times.
I think for the first 4 or 5 days I was just feeling numb. While I was really upset over the loss, I figured that would be the worst of it. I wasn’t even fucking close. Everything has been irritating me and I’ve been laying in bed whenever I can. Part of it is because of the physical effects, the other is because I’ve been throwing myself a pity party.
I *finally* found a psychologist though. That in itself was difficult because of my insurance but also because it is so hard to actually make that phone call for the first appointment.
I had my first session with “Dr. Sweetly” last Friday. I unloaded so much shit within an hour and a half and felt a little better. I was also relieved because I really like her. I was scared she wouldn’t be the therapist for me since you just never know and might need to see a few before you find the right one you mesh with. As soon as she greeted me in the waiting room I knew I hit the jackpot.
A few hours later the cramping I’ve been having got so bad and hurt so much that I felt like the pain was going to split me in half. I called the P.A. at my doctor’s office but they close at noon on Friday so I had to go to a walk in clinic. At the time I was also still having awful pain from my sinus infection so when I went to the clinic I wrote that I needed to see the doctor for both things.
When I was called back and doubled over from the cramps and pain I was having, the first thing the medical assistant said was “they don’t deal with miscarriages there so I’m on my own.” Um, well fuck.
I’m really bad at hiding my feelings and by that point I was doing the ugly cry. My head felt like it was going to explode and I was having awful pain in my abdomen. The doctor came in and reiterated about not being able to “deal with or talk about (my) miscarriage”.
He said he’s only allowed to prescribe a medication for the pain that I’ve taken before which doesn’t do shit. A shot of nyquil would be more helpful. As I was walking into the waiting room (nobody else was in there except the hubby and hummingbird….and the receptionist) I sort of lost my shit then.
I was crying and saying this was completely pointless and totally wasted our time. I’m not very proud to say I dropped some choice words in front of my daughter, which normally I’m careful about doing, but I felt so screwed over and was in the worst pain. I would go as far as saying that it was almost as bad as when I was in labor.
I think it was because I had the two things going on, I wasn’t getting much sleep because of the pain which I know made it even worse, and the stress and emotions were just too much on my body. So, we had no choice but to go from the walk in clinic straight to the ER. On a Friday night. Oy!
We don’t live in that big of a city but the place was pretty full. It’s not like I’m looking for people in health care to drop to their knees and tell me how sorry they are for what I’m going through but I felt everyone I came across seemed so cold.
When the ER nurse called my name and brought me back to the curtained room he said so I see you have some sinus pain and a little cramping. Seriously?! I understand that you have to desensitize yourself somewhat when you’re in that profession but just a little bit of compassion would have helped.
I laid there for almost 3 hours before anyone even came to administer some meds but in the meantime I had to listen to the staff talk about what they were going to order for dinner and hear in detail about how one place makes the chicken they serve too spicy.
The one funny thing about being in the ER is after the meds I was given started kicking in, I started taking pictures of my finger. My hubby was walking around with the hummingbird in her stroller which isn’t an easy feat because we rarely use it anymore (and my daughter hates being stuck in it) but we knew we should bring it along in case she actually got sleepy. We got to the ER around 7:30 pm which is close to her bedtime.
I kept on taking more pictures of my cool glowing red finger because the meds were really working some magic and pretty soon I started thinking when it comes to taking cell phone pics, I’m so freaking awesome. There I was in my little room in the ER having a photo shoot with my finger.
Then I thought holy shit, next I can take photos of the hospital socks on my feet and it will be genius. Yep, I was as loopy as they come with medicated induced grandeur. But thankfully I got distracted and the pictures of my feet didn’t happen. You’re welcome.
We finally left the ER a little after midnight and the hummingbird was freaking wired as can be. The doctor did very little for me except give me some pain relief and of course told me I should go to my regular doctor.
On Tuesday I did just that. Let me clarify; I normally see my Dr.’s physican assistant because last fall when I went to my doctor & told him I’m feeling really depressed and he refused to help I thought eff this guy. I know I need a new dr. but with my Tricare insurance the way it is, the only other primary doctors available right now suck to be honest.
While I was seeing the P.A., he set it up so I can have an ultrasound on Friday (today) and then this coming Monday I’m scheduled to see a gynecologist. In the meantime the P.A. was going to give me more medication to give me some relief since it wouldn’t be until the next week when I would see the gyno. I still have that appointment although the thought of dealing with another heartless doctor makes me sick.
While we were talking, my primary doctor walked in the room not realizing the P.A. was with a patient and started walking back out. The P.A. stopped him and asked for his opinion. Then I thought phuckity phuck because my primary probably wouldn’t even prescribe water if it was needed, he’s that bad.
When the P.A. brought my primary doc up to date and told him he was going to give me more meds so I can make it through the week, Dr. Asshole said Absolutely Not! Grrrr! He said all that would do would mask the pain.
Okay, you might want to cover your eyes but what the fuck guy?! I feel like hell and I actually can understand his thinking (okay, not really although I understand people will have a difference of opinion…but as my mom says, my primary doctor is as fucking loony as they come) but I don’t give a shit if it masks the pain. It helps and I have a wild 2-year-old so it’s not like I really have any time to relax.
I did get in contact with the babysitter we’ve used before and who we trust but she’s in the middle of moving so she isn’t able to look after the hummingbird until next week when I have my next appointment with my therapist.
After having another mini meltdown, they decided the best thing to do was to go back to the ER so I wouldn’t have to wait for the ultrasound. Back we went and this time it was in the early afternoon and not much waiting. Also, I had a better experience with the nurses and the ER doctor.
The ultrasound didn’t show an infection and the Dr. said that in his opinion he thinks that part of the reason I’m still having problems is because of everything going on and because I wasn’t treated properly the first time around as far as pain management and he felt that with my depression and anxiety it just made my pain worse.
He gave me some loopy meds and while I’m starting to feel like I’m on the mend, I’m still a wreck. My cramping and lower back pain is almost too much to bear still. And the emotions I’ve been having along with the hormones make me feel like a basket case.
I know miscarriage usually happens because something is wrong but I was telling my husband last night how I can’t help but feel guilty because in the last month I was on 3 very stong antibiotics and some pain meds my ENT doc, Dr. Cool, gave me for the raging sinus infection I had.
He sees it differently although he won’t tell me what he’s feeling and I told him I can’t help but think how it was when we got the first ultrasound pictures of the little hummingbird.
I was just over 9 weeks pregnant and my daughter was a tiny ball with stumpy arms and legs. It seemed so surreal that I was pregnant but looking back, the wee little hummingbird that we saw in the ultrasound pics has turned into the most amazing little girl. I’ve heard people say once you have a child it’s like your heart is now outside of our chest and I feel that’s so true.
Even though I think I was only a few weeks into this pregnancy and might not have even found out I was pregnant if it wasn’t for intuition (I think I would have thought the miscarriage was just a really awful period), I can’t help but think about what this child would be like.
To make things worse my crazy in-laws are coming for a visit next Friday and staying for 4 days. Thankfully they’re staying at a hotel but when they visit they’re here at our house from the early morning until late at night so I don’t really get a break from them.
I really have no idea how I’m going to handle them, especially my MIL and her knocking me down every chance she gets. This time around my feelings are so raw.
My mom and sister know about the miscarriage but my in-laws don’t. At first I was thinking maybe if they did know I would get a slight break from my mother-in-law but I seriously doubt it. I’m thinking she would find a way to be even more horrible so we’re not saying anything.
Time to sharpen that shank again.