Ask Jamie: A rabid toddler werewolf, a little Barney, and baby Gaga.

Need some parentertaining advice? Ask Jamie from Life Is Better With Me In It. She has a child and family studies degree, she has absolutely adorable 6 month old twins, Scarlet and Clive, and what gives Jamie the ultimate qualification for giving out parenting advice is that she watches Teen Mom. Kapow! You can email Jamie your questions to askjamiequestions at gmail dot com.

Let’s get this show on the road….

Jamie,

My 2-year-old is acting possessed or has rabies but I know she hasn’t been around any strange dogs so I think it’s more likely that she’s possessed. There was this one time where it looked like she was foaming at the mouth *but* she was spitting her yogurt out. Supposedly.

She has also been keeping me up by not going to bed and while I didn’t tell my husband this, there were a few times when she was howling at the moon so she *could* be a possessed, rabid werewolf.

My question is since it’s 2011 and not the 1950’s, do I have to wait until after 5 pm to start drinking or can I just start carrying a flask around to deal with the terrible twos?

Come to think of it screw the flask, I just want to carry the bottle of vodka around. But I guess the flask might make it less obvious when we’re walking around our neighborhood.

I’m not really concerned if she’s a werewolf instead of it being the terrible twos but if she starts changing over during a playground visit, how should I go about explaining my possessed, rabid, toddler werewolf to the other moms?

Thanks!

Elle, I mean um, uh, Erin

Dear Elle Erin,

All I can say is why the hell have you been waiting till 5pm to drink? A good mommy knows that a happy mommy is one that is constantly self medicating.

After reading your description of your 2 year old and her symptoms, I have diagnosed her with paininthebutitis. No need to explain this to other moms at play dates because 99% of kids develop it throughout their life.

Oh and it’s reoccurring, I know it sucks. There’s no reason to fear though because it’s not contagious if you drink enough, but if you don’t drink then you’ll slowly develop bitchyitis the adult version of the disease and it will wreak havoc on your life, similar to a zombie apocalypse.

As for carrying a bottle of vodka around that is completely acceptable for everyday occasions. If you’re going to a wedding, out to dinner, church, etc… you want to carry around a flask. After all you need to keep it classy.

Cheers and happy drinking!

Jamie

~~~

Jamie,

I gave up on breastfeeding pretty quickly for a few reasons, one of them being that my nipples were on fire. Yes, fire. From thrush. From the antibiotics that they gave me after my c-section. My baby had it in her mouth, too – so, bonus.

The wonderful thing was that we kept passing it back and forth, like the last joint at the party. Or in the basement of the administration building. WHATEVER. I DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON WHERE THEY SMOKE THEIR WEED.

Anyway, I went to a lactation consultant who told me that in addition to having thrush, I had a lot of milk and I was choking my baby from the abundance of nectar. So I had to wear these nipple guards.

We got more antibiotics (which, seemed counterintuitive because that is WHAT STARTED THIS FRESH HELL) and she also told me to paint my nipples with this purple dye stuff and then nurse my baby.

After my poor little baby started to look like Barney after each feeding I decided I couldn’t do it anymore because Barney is annoying and so is having a baby that had a purple face. Also, I was working and the only place to pump was in the bathroom.

Also, I say “also” a lot. What is my question again? Oh – did you have to do anything weird like this or was it just me? Tell me it wasn’t just me. Please.

Unrelated, I just burned my muffins typing this.

Teri (from Diary of a Mad Hatter. This post is a must read from her.)

Teri,

Let me start off by first saying, thank you for not judging people for where they smoke their weed! I can’t say my kids ever had a barney face, I only breastfed for 6 weeks, but I have had a few embarrassing parenting moments I’ve experienced to make you feel better.

When they were newborns I was beyond exhausted and I once forgot to put a diaper on Clive. I just snapped his little outfit together and of course he peed everywhere. As if that weren’t bad enough, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I was losing it and my husband came home and sat in it before I could wipe it up. I told him I spilt water (sorry Tim).

Oh and the first time I took them to daycare I came to pick them up and discovered Scarlet had leaked out of her diaper and had ruined her teacher’s outfit. The poor lady had a massive poop stain on her dress from my daughter. And it happened again this morning, but this time she didn’t ruin her teacher’s dress, just her car seat. 

This is unrelated to parenting, but I literally had someone walk up to me this weekend and ask if I wanted a pill. I kindly said no thank you, I just drink a lot, and he said I look like the type of person who popped pills… I don’t know how to take that…

These are a few of the reasons I drink. Sorry about your muffins 🙁

Jamie

~~~

Dear Jamie,

I was wondering if you have any creative clothing suggestions for when my baby soils his clothes in public and i don’t have any extra outfits with me?

I mean hypothetically, as if i was one of those mothers who is too scattered to remember basic things like a diaper bag when going to run errands. . . also what if you did finally remember the diaper bag but you forgot to put diapers in it, not that it would ever happen to me and my son of course, because we are awesome, but just in case, for the benefit of all the lesser moms with messy little boys out there.

Thanks!

Anna

Dear Anna,

As you have obviously seen, babies poop in the most inconvenient places and at the most inconvenient times. Most parents say to keep an extra tee shirt or blanket in the car and sure that’s fine for the practical know it all parents, but for all the forgetful parents all I can say is thank you God for Lady Gaga.

Because of Lady Gaga we can dress our babies in whatever we want and just call them Baby Gaga. For example, your baby needs a new outfit and you’re in the parking lot of a restaurant. Just go inside steal borrow some napkins and just tie them around their little waist.

If anyone gives you a bad look call it Chanel couture and give them the finger (that’s what Lady Gaga would do). No napkins around? Garbage bags and toilet paper work just fine. Heck let them go nude and say they like being controversial. It doesn’t even matter anymore!

Now you no longer have to worry about being one of those moms who remembers and your baby will look fashionable.

Giving you the finger with love,

Jamie

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12 Responses to Ask Jamie: A rabid toddler werewolf, a little Barney, and baby Gaga.

  1. Cajun Asian Chronicles September 7, 2011 at 13:28 #

    I’m definitely gonna babysit for someone this weekend and do the baby gaga couture for an outing…I think it’s definitely a trend that will catch on

    • Jamie September 9, 2011 at 08:29 #

      Thanks, my baby girl Scarlet can rock the shit out of a paper bag so well that I’m surprised that it hasn’t caught on.

  2. Ami September 7, 2011 at 14:21 #

    hahaha LOVE IT! Definitely about to ask a question!

  3. teri September 7, 2011 at 21:13 #

    Jamie, I never forgot to put a diaper on the baby so that does make me feel slightly better. Thank you.

    But on to more important things – THE DRUGS. Did he offer you a red pill or a blue pill? IT MATTERS.

    • Jamie September 9, 2011 at 08:31 #

      Red. I probably should have just taken it.

      Sigh* just another way I disappointed my mother…

  4. Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl September 8, 2011 at 15:43 #

    Thought you’d like to know that I have a friend who’s nickname is Silly Sally Sippy Cup. Because she used to put vodka in a sippy cup to take the dog for a walk. TOTALLY TRUE.

    • Jamie September 9, 2011 at 08:33 #

      She’s totally my hero.

  5. Elle's Mom September 8, 2011 at 16:34 #

    Baby Gaga that is so funny. My grandson had a blow out in a restaurant. Other daughter placed paper towels around his bottom and marched out with a “dont mess with me” look. I walked outside laughing my butt off.

  6. jennifer September 9, 2011 at 06:14 #

    @Teri- I know you already feel better but wanted to let you know that it is not just you, my son and I passed thrush back and forth for a while. It sucked. I felt like my nipples were on fire and I can only imagine how his mouth felt. They made us both take antibiotics at the same time so I avoided the purple stuff, though it was offered to me as a “natural alternative”! I said no thank you, we are pro-antifungal. I could explain the antibiotic thing but I won’t because I am trying to give up being insufferably pedantic. Kind of. @Jamie- it seems to me that you are awesome and hilarious.

    • Jamie September 11, 2011 at 10:12 #

      Jennifer- I am most certainly awesome and hilarious. Thank you for noticing.

    • teri September 11, 2011 at 11:26 #

      Jennifer…I can always feel even better…thank you! I don’t remember if I took antibiotics too (I probably did)…I know my baby did…plus the purple dye…it was almost 12 years ago and my brain is a little fuzzy.

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  1. Bend over and cough. « This Is Mommyhood - October 7, 2011

    […] started doing her parentertaining advice column in September, Ask Jamie, with the first one being A rabid toddler werewolf, a little Barney, and baby Gaga, and she’s also a contributing writer for Motherhood […]

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