Need some parentertaining advice? Ask Jamie from Life Is Better With Me In It. She has a child and family studies degree, she has absolutely adorable 6 month old twins, Scarlet and Clive, and what gives Jamie the ultimate qualification for giving out parenting advice is that she watches Teen Mom. Kapow! You can email Jamie your questions to askjamiequestions at gmail dot com.
Let’s get this show on the road….
My 2-year-old is acting possessed or has rabies but I know she hasn’t been around any strange dogs so I think it’s more likely that she’s possessed. There was this one time where it looked like she was foaming at the mouth *but* she was spitting her yogurt out. Supposedly.
She has also been keeping me up by not going to bed and while I didn’t tell my husband this, there were a few times when she was howling at the moon so she *could* be a possessed, rabid werewolf.
My question is since it’s 2011 and not the 1950’s, do I have to wait until after 5 pm to start drinking or can I just start carrying a flask around to deal with the terrible twos?
Come to think of it screw the flask, I just want to carry the bottle of vodka around. But I guess the flask might make it less obvious when we’re walking around our neighborhood.
I’m not really concerned if she’s a werewolf instead of it being the terrible twos but if she starts changing over during a playground visit, how should I go about explaining my possessed, rabid, toddler werewolf to the other moms?
Elle, I mean um, uh, Erin
All I can say is why the hell have you been waiting till 5pm to drink? A good mommy knows that a happy mommy is one that is constantly self medicating.
After reading your description of your 2 year old and her symptoms, I have diagnosed her with paininthebutitis. No need to explain this to other moms at play dates because 99% of kids develop it throughout their life.
Oh and it’s reoccurring, I know it sucks. There’s no reason to fear though because it’s not contagious if you drink enough, but if you don’t drink then you’ll slowly develop bitchyitis the adult version of the disease and it will wreak havoc on your life, similar to a zombie apocalypse.
As for carrying a bottle of vodka around that is completely acceptable for everyday occasions. If you’re going to a wedding, out to dinner, church, etc… you want to carry around a flask. After all you need to keep it classy.
Cheers and happy drinking!
I gave up on breastfeeding pretty quickly for a few reasons, one of them being that my nipples were on fire. Yes, fire. From thrush. From the antibiotics that they gave me after my c-section. My baby had it in her mouth, too – so, bonus.
The wonderful thing was that we kept passing it back and forth, like the last joint at the party. Or in the basement of the administration building. WHATEVER. I DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE BASED ON WHERE THEY SMOKE THEIR WEED.
Anyway, I went to a lactation consultant who told me that in addition to having thrush, I had a lot of milk and I was choking my baby from the abundance of nectar. So I had to wear these nipple guards.
We got more antibiotics (which, seemed counterintuitive because that is WHAT STARTED THIS FRESH HELL) and she also told me to paint my nipples with this purple dye stuff and then nurse my baby.
After my poor little baby started to look like Barney after each feeding I decided I couldn’t do it anymore because Barney is annoying and so is having a baby that had a purple face. Also, I was working and the only place to pump was in the bathroom.
Also, I say “also” a lot. What is my question again? Oh – did you have to do anything weird like this or was it just me? Tell me it wasn’t just me. Please.
Unrelated, I just burned my muffins typing this.
Let me start off by first saying, thank you for not judging people for where they smoke their weed! I can’t say my kids ever had a barney face, I only breastfed for 6 weeks, but I have had a few embarrassing parenting moments I’ve experienced to make you feel better.
When they were newborns I was beyond exhausted and I once forgot to put a diaper on Clive. I just snapped his little outfit together and of course he peed everywhere. As if that weren’t bad enough, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I was losing it and my husband came home and sat in it before I could wipe it up. I told him I spilt water (sorry Tim).
Oh and the first time I took them to daycare I came to pick them up and discovered Scarlet had leaked out of her diaper and had ruined her teacher’s outfit. The poor lady had a massive poop stain on her dress from my daughter. And it happened again this morning, but this time she didn’t ruin her teacher’s dress, just her car seat.
This is unrelated to parenting, but I literally had someone walk up to me this weekend and ask if I wanted a pill. I kindly said no thank you, I just drink a lot, and he said I look like the type of person who popped pills… I don’t know how to take that…
These are a few of the reasons I drink. Sorry about your muffins 🙁
I was wondering if you have any creative clothing suggestions for when my baby soils his clothes in public and i don’t have any extra outfits with me?
I mean hypothetically, as if i was one of those mothers who is too scattered to remember basic things like a diaper bag when going to run errands. . . also what if you did finally remember the diaper bag but you forgot to put diapers in it, not that it would ever happen to me and my son of course, because we are awesome, but just in case, for the benefit of all the lesser moms with messy little boys out there.
As you have obviously seen, babies poop in the most inconvenient places and at the most inconvenient times. Most parents say to keep an extra tee shirt or blanket in the car and sure that’s fine for the practical know it all parents, but for all the forgetful parents all I can say is thank you God for Lady Gaga.
Because of Lady Gaga we can dress our babies in whatever we want and just call them Baby Gaga. For example, your baby needs a new outfit and you’re in the parking lot of a restaurant. Just go inside
steal borrow some napkins and just tie them around their little waist.
If anyone gives you a bad look call it Chanel couture and give them the finger (that’s what Lady Gaga would do). No napkins around? Garbage bags and toilet paper work just fine. Heck let them go nude and say they like being controversial. It doesn’t even matter anymore!
Now you no longer have to worry about being one of those moms who remembers and your baby will look fashionable.
Giving you the finger with love,