Well, I wasn’t going to write about any embarrassing moments that I’ve had because I get embarrassed so easily, especially since I have social anxiety, so the list could go on forever but here are two things that popped into my head.
I was 13 and had just moved back to California from Footloose to live with my sperm donor. I had quickly developed a crush on this skater boy named Dax but since I didn’t have what I thought were cool enough clothes, I would borrow some from a friend.
One day I really went all out to get this guy’s attention so I sprayed the hell out of my hair with Aqua Net, put on my friend’s jean mini skirt and tank top, and wore these slip on shoes she had. The problem was that her feet were a half-size bigger than my size and her feet were wider so they would slip off my feet easily.
I was determined to
look like an idiot suffer in the name of fashion so I had to be careful when I walked and found after I had gotten to school that those suckers wouldn’t stay on my feet. Instead of walking I was sort of ice skating without the ice across campus by doing these long strides with my feet.
After an early morning class let out, I was gliding to the snack bar my school had to meet up with a friend when I saw Dax. Our eyes met, I started picking up my feet so he wouldn’t think wtf, and I knew this was it. He noticed me and we were making googly eyes at each other. As I was walking past him, our eyes still locked, my mind was racing about how we would be “going out” by lunch time.
When I could no longer look back his way I noticed that something was missing. My right shoe. Shit! That’s when his dick pickle (thanks for that awesome phrase, Marianna) friend noticed too and started laughing really obnoxiously. Dax hadn’t noticed but his friend was hitting him and pointing at me standing there with one shoe on.
I had no idea when the shoe came off my foot so I was scanning the cold concrete and there it was. Right in front of Dax. How the hell do I act all cool and slip on my lost shoe in front of him? I didn’t. By this time I was blushing so bad and his friend was still being a dick and laughing while I walked up to Dax and slipped the shoe back on my foot.
But the first time I did it my foot missed the shoe and knocked it over on its side. I tried to slip it on again but at this point because of his dickhead friend laughing, I was nervous and missed again.
That’s when I had to bend down, in a short short mini skirt, and pick up the shoe to put it back on my foot. By this time Dax was cracking up too but not in a making light of the situation way. More in an I’m a dick pickle way.
As embarrassed as I was, I put my shoe back on and glided off to meet my friend. Not long after when I got to know more people at school, I found I dodged a bullet when it came to Dax who was apparently a royal douchebag.
The next one is sexual so I’m not sure if I should write this since this is a family blog after all. I kid! I kid!
I had this one boyfriend (it wasn’t my hubby) and we had been dating long enough to be comfortable with each other but not long enough where I would pee with the door open or do something like burp.
We were in bed one time and it was getting pretty steamy. Then there was a problem. I was feeling kind of gassy and him laying on top of me didn’t help. I was squirming around and trying to get in a more comfortable position.
That’s when he went, ahem, downtown and at first I thought I would be okay. While he was still downtown I clenched up. Not because it was orgasmic but because I felt something coming on. After a few more minutes of clenching, I let out what seemed like the longest and squeakiest fart ever known to man.
I was fucking mortified.
This fart just didn’t seem to know when to stop. Looking back I’m sure it wasn’t as long as it seemed to be in my mind but I still farted in my boyfriend’s face during oral sex.
He looked up at me and was like what in the hell babe? We ended up laughing about it but I was still so embarrassed. Even now after all these years, that was one of my most embarrassing moments. The one thing that’s changed is that I can now laugh about it.
*Update. This is why my mom is awesomesauce. Here’s her comment to this post.
Ok Elle, this is your mama. You had SEX before marriage???????? Just kidding. I was standing out on my porch last week. It was very late and I was very gassy. I looked around and didn’t see anyone. I let a tiny but VERY loud fart and someone across the complex started laughing. I made a mad dash back to my apartment also mortified. Guess you never know for sure if you are really alone.