*I started writing this before my miscarriage last month so this is sort of like a before and after.
*Updated to add. I hope I didn’t come off as teetering towards the edge of insanity. I was just feeling so vulnerable and sad when I wrote this and you know me, I overshare. I wanted to thank all of you for commenting and will reply soon. I know there are people who read my blog but I was hoping to know who the ones were that might not comment, out of my own curiosity, so thank you ladies. Mwah!
*Updated again to add. Chelle from Life On The Domestic Front is really fucking awesome and hilarious so if you haven’t checked out her blog yet then you should click on over there. I’ll share my howdy ho’s with her so drop a comment if you want.
Okay, I take that back. I won’t share my hos with her but give her a howdy ho for me. *bats eyelashes* Start with these posts The Ambien Wars and You Want To Talk About What???? then read all the rest. If you don’t want to Just Think Of All Of The Children!! Or Think Of All Of The Puppies!! Yeah, I don’t know what that means either but I thought I’d give it a shot. :^)
After being on an antidepressant for the past 2 months along with another med to help “boost” it, I’m finally starting to feel more like myself. The better I’m starting to feel, the more I realize just how depressed I’ve been.
I still have good and bad days and never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. I know you can’t just take a pill and *bam*, you’re cured. Depression and anxiety doesn’t work like that. There are days I’m feeling okay and actually don’t want to crawl back in bed and hide from the world, not that I can anyway with a certain hummingbird on the loose.
I’ll think I’m on my way to feeling more normal, whatever the hell “normal” is, and while I feel I’m having a good day, I get mindfucked with a panic attack and my irrational fears start flooding in.
One morning while my daughter was eating breakfast, she started to throw her food on the floor and I scolded her. I told her no and if she gets really pissed, she hits herself on the head occasionally since she’s too young to really verbalize what she wants to say or what her needs are.
I told her she shouldn’t hit herself but instead she needs to be gentle and love herself. She went on eating and I froze right there in the kitchen. Saying that to my daughter did a number on me.
I’m not gentle with myself. I’m really fucking hard on myself no matter what I do. As easy as it was to tell my little girl she needs to love herself, I know I haven’t been doing that with myself, if ever.
I never think I’m good enough and so many of these feelings go back to things that happened when I was younger. I have a beautiful and precious 2 year old daughter and she needs to see that whatever I do, I put my heart into it and even though it may not be perfection, it’s the best I can do. Hopefully some day soon she’ll see that while I’m far from perfect, I love myself as I am.
I can’t say enough that if you think you’re depressed and as scary or as difficult it can be to get help, don’t give up because you shouldn’t have to go through life going through the motions and getting by.
If anyone knows of better links, particularly for those who feel they need to see a therapist and/or get medication but might not have insurance and don’t have the means to pay for either one out of pocket, please feel free to put the links in the comment section and I’ll add it to this post.
I have been having this long pity party for myself since my miscarriage. My heart always went out to other women who had them but you really don’t know how it is until it happens to you. I knew something was going on with my body but with my depression, anxiety, and being a mom, I pushed it back in my mind.
Even though I knew I was pregnant for only 2 days (I’m pretty sure I was about a month or so into the pregnancy and I think it was instinct that had me figure it out early), I still feel like I should have known earlier because looking back there were signs but I was so occupied with other things. I’ve been blaming myself and have such guilt. I still keep thinking about all of the what ifs.
This happening combined with the depression I already had makes getting out of bed so difficult. I just want to stay there with the covers over my head but yesterday I started getting annoyed with myself because of this 3 week-long pity party. I saw my therapist for the second time yesterday which made me feel a bit better.
So, please bear with me because while I’m not stopping my blog, I do have some awesome guest posters in the next few weeks. I still plan on writing but I also wanted to give myself some time to just deal with all of these things that have been getting me down, including other things that my family has been dealing with which I will talk about soon enough since they are totally fine with me writing about it.
I almost made a rash decision in the middle of this and thought just for a second or two about pulling the plug on my blog for the umpteenth time because I didn’t feel like I could write anymore with being so depressed over the loss I’ve had.
I want to give a HUGE Thank You to the lovely ladies who will be writing about their embarrassing moments in the coming weeks. And thank you to anyone out there who’s reading this rambling.
I got this idea from Sara from Sarah Without An H awhile ago. She wrote a post and asked people who have been reading her blog and maybe never commented to give a howdy ho. Okay, she didn’t ask for a howdy ho à la South Park’s Mr. Hankey but I’d love to just get a hi from whoever is out there.
Every now and then I feel like I’m sending what I write out into no man’s land so it would be nice to know who’s out there reading about my crazy ass life. To quote what I say in my comment section, “C’mon, don’t be shy”….
My pity party playlist (some of the songs at least).
Glen Hansard ~ Angel At My Table ~ One of the most amazing Irish musicians I’ve ever heard. Love this guy. If you haven’t seen the movie Once, it’s a must.
The Verve Pipe ~ The Freshman
Nine Inch Nails ~ Hurt
Counting Crows ~ Colorblind
Dixie Chicks ~ Let Him Fly ~ I don’t really listen to country music but I love these ladies.
Sia ~ Breathe Me
Damien Rice w/ Lisa Hannigan ~ Rootless Tree ~ Another one of my favorite Irish muscians. This song is dedicated to my depression….and my in-laws. P.S. There are a lot of f-bombs in this song but I’ve never heard fuck sound so beautiful before. 🙂