Depression is an asshole and a scary rollercoaster ride of emotions.

*I started writing this before my miscarriage last month so this is sort of like a before and after.

*Updated to add. I hope I didn’t come off as teetering towards the edge of insanity. I was just feeling so vulnerable and sad when I wrote this and you know me, I overshare. I wanted to thank all of you for commenting and will reply soon. I know there are people who read my blog but I was hoping to know who the ones were that might not comment, out of my own curiosity, so thank you ladies. Mwah!

*Updated again to add. Chelle from Life On The Domestic Front is really fucking awesome and hilarious so if you haven’t checked out her blog yet then you should click on over there. I’ll share my howdy ho’s with her so drop a comment if you want.

Okay, I take that back. I won’t share my hos with her but give her a howdy ho for me. *bats eyelashes* Start with these posts The Ambien Wars and You Want To Talk About What???? then read all the rest. If you don’t want to Just Think Of All Of The Children!! Or Think Of All Of The Puppies!! Yeah, I don’t know what that means either but I thought I’d give it a shot. :^)

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After being on an antidepressant for the past 2 months along with another med to help “boost” it, I’m finally starting to feel more like myself. The better I’m starting to feel, the more I realize just how depressed I’ve been.

I still have good and bad days and never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. I know you can’t just take a pill and *bam*, you’re cured. Depression and anxiety doesn’t work like that. There are days I’m feeling okay and actually don’t want to crawl back in bed and hide from the world, not that I can anyway with a certain hummingbird on the loose.

I’ll think I’m on my way to feeling more normal, whatever the hell “normal” is, and while I feel I’m having a good day, I get mindfucked with a panic attack and my irrational fears start flooding in.

One morning while my daughter was eating breakfast, she started to throw her food on the floor and I scolded her. I told her no and if she gets really pissed, she hits herself on the head occasionally since she’s too young to really verbalize what she wants to say or what her needs are.

I told her she shouldn’t hit herself but instead she needs to be gentle and love herself. She went on eating and I froze right there in the kitchen. Saying that to my daughter did a number on me.

I’m not gentle with myself. I’m really fucking hard on myself no matter what I do. As easy as it was to tell my little girl she needs to love herself, I know I haven’t been doing that with myself, if ever.

I never think I’m good enough and so many of these feelings go back to things that happened when I was younger. I have a beautiful and precious 2 year old daughter and she needs to see that whatever I do, I put my heart into it and even though it may not be perfection, it’s the best I can do. Hopefully some day soon she’ll see that while I’m far from perfect, I love myself as I am.

I can’t say enough that if you think you’re depressed and as scary or as difficult it can be to get help, don’t give up because you shouldn’t have to go through life going through the motions and getting by.

If anyone knows of better links, particularly for those who feel they need to see a therapist and/or get medication but might not have insurance and don’t have the means to pay for either one out of pocket, please feel free to put the links in the comment section and I’ll add it to this post.

The birth trauma association.

Understanding depression.

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I have been having this long pity party for myself since my miscarriage. My heart always went out to other women who had them but you really don’t know how it is until it happens to you. I knew something was going on with my body but with my depression, anxiety, and being a mom, I pushed it back in my mind.

Even though I knew I was pregnant for only 2 days (I’m pretty sure I was about a month or so into the pregnancy and I think it was instinct that had me figure it out early), I still feel like I should have known earlier because looking back there were signs but I was so occupied with other things. I’ve been blaming myself and have such guilt. I still keep thinking about all of the what ifs.

This happening combined with the depression I already had makes getting out of bed so difficult.  I just want to stay there with the covers over my head but yesterday I started getting annoyed with myself because of this 3 week-long pity party. I saw my therapist for the second time yesterday which made me feel a bit better.

So, please bear with me because while I’m not stopping my blog, I do have some awesome guest posters in the next few weeks. I still plan on writing but I also wanted to give myself some time to just deal with all of these things that have been getting me down, including other things that my family has been dealing with which I will talk about soon enough since they are totally fine with me writing about it.

I almost made a rash decision in the middle of this and thought just for a second or two about pulling the plug on my blog for the umpteenth time because I didn’t feel like I could write anymore with being so depressed over the loss I’ve had.

I want to give a HUGE Thank You to the lovely ladies who will be writing about their embarrassing moments in the coming weeks. And thank you to anyone out there who’s reading this rambling.

I got this idea from Sara from Sarah Without An H awhile ago. She wrote a post and asked people who have been reading her blog and maybe never commented to give a howdy ho. Okay, she didn’t ask for a howdy ho à la South Park’s Mr. Hankey but I’d love to just get a hi from whoever is out there.

Every now and then I feel like I’m sending what I write out into no man’s land so it would be nice to know who’s out there reading about my crazy ass life. To quote what I say in my comment section, “C’mon, don’t be shy”….

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My pity party playlist (some of the songs at least).

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Glen Hansard ~ Angel At My Table ~ One of the most amazing Irish musicians I’ve ever heard. Love this guy. If you haven’t seen the movie Once, it’s a must.

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The Verve Pipe ~ The Freshman

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Nine Inch Nails ~ Hurt

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Counting Crows ~ Colorblind

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Dixie Chicks ~ Let Him Fly ~ I don’t really listen to country music but I love these ladies.

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Sia ~ Breathe Me

~~~

Damien Rice w/ Lisa Hannigan ~ Rootless Tree ~ Another one of my favorite Irish muscians. This song is dedicated to my depression….and my in-laws. P.S. There are a lot of f-bombs in this song but I’ve never heard fuck sound so beautiful before. 🙂

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31 Responses to Depression is an asshole and a scary rollercoaster ride of emotions.

  1. Kara (@AlwaysWonderin2) September 9, 2011 at 00:08 #

    I recently came across your blog and I’ve been reading ever since.
    Wanted to comment and say…HOWDY HO!

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 00:17 #

      Thanks, Kara! Howdy ho to you. 😀 And Mr. Hankey thanks you too!

      • Kara (@AlwaysWonderin2) September 9, 2011 at 01:51 #

        Your very welcome Elle…. And awww shucks, he’s so corny! LoL but he knows I eat my fiber like a good girl every Christmas eve.

  2. Aoife September 9, 2011 at 01:37 #

    Hi Elle, just wanted you to know that I read all your posts and I love them. Take a break and heal but come back to us. X

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 10:46 #

      Thank you sweetie. I’ll be back! *said in my really bad Arnold Schwarzenegger accent* xoxo

  3. e September 9, 2011 at 02:13 #

    Hi!
    to echo you: be gentle with yourself and go softly, sending you lots of love.
    E

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 10:47 #

      Thank you, E.

  4. Cheryl @ Coffee with Cheryl September 9, 2011 at 04:38 #

    Howdy Ho Elle! I subscribed via google reader a little bit ago, so know that at least one person reads every post! I know how you feel, too. Sometimes it seems like “who the heck am I writing this stuff for?”

    As for the depression, I’m there too. My hubby is going through a thing right now and it’s all I can do to not bring up the big “D” or whack him with a cast-iron frying pan on a daily basis. I joke, but some days it’s hard not to want to pack up the boys and run away. Keep your chin up. Hugs. xoxo

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 10:50 #

      Howwwdy Ho! Ya know, having a cast iron frying pan when my in-laws were visiting last weekend would surely have come in handy. Damn! I guess there’s always next time. xx

  5. Wombat Central September 9, 2011 at 04:40 #

    Waving from New York state. I think lots of bloggers often wonder if anyone is reading! Hang in there. I hope you enjoyed my cartoon rendering of my embarrassing moment. 🙂

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 10:52 #

      I loved your cartoon and the laughs I had. 🙂 I haven’t forgotten about you; I’ve been making a schedule up for everyone to post their embarrassing moments and will email you later. Love ya sweetie and thanks for being there.

  6. jennifer September 9, 2011 at 06:17 #

    shout-out!
    I know what you’re going through, and my heart goes out to you. Not literally. I need the actual ORGAN, so I’m going to keep it, you know, in my ribcage. But my figurative heart, that you can have. No postage due.

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 10:56 #

      Hey you! Damn, I was excited at the thought of getting a new heart or at least one to give to my MIL since she seems to be missing one. She doesn’t have one and unfortunately she’s still walking around and talking. Bwahahaha. 😉

  7. Rebeccat_11 September 9, 2011 at 06:33 #

    Hellllooooo! Greetings from Michigan – and while people are fleeing the state, I don’t think we’re no man’s land yet — so you aren’t alone. 🙂 I love your posts and one day we should find a way to ship our MILs off somewhere to be miserable together! Hugs!

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 11:00 #

      I’ll start building that ship as soon as my pity party ends. Or we can just send them to hell in a handbasket. 😉

      • Rebeccat_11 September 9, 2011 at 11:02 #

        I will look up basket weaving on YouTube as soon as I get home…

        • Elle September 9, 2011 at 11:41 #

          Haha! Love ya girl! Thanks for the laugh. xx

  8. Chelle September 9, 2011 at 08:03 #

    Hi Elle,

    Sorry I’ve been lurking. I hate that I don’t get comments on my blog, so I will leave one on yours.

    I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. I hope that things start looking up for you soon. I know how hard it is to deal with depression. Good for you for getting the help you need and for realizing you need to be kind to yourself.

    Hugs,
    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 11:11 #

      As much as I read blogs, I can be bad about commenting because I never really know what to say and if I do comment I usually ramble or say something dumb. 😉 I’m putting you on my blogroll and promise to comment more because I adore your blog.

  9. Karen September 9, 2011 at 08:44 #

    I look for a ‘mommyhood’ notification in my inbox everyday. I’m not a blogger (I wish I could write as poignantly as you), but I am a faithful reader & think of you often.

    Hugs from Oregon.

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 11:25 #

      Thank you, Karen! I think you should guest post sometime. I believe everyone’s a writer but like me, they can be too hard on themselves when it comes to what they write. I usually don’t like anything I write and always think I could do so much better.

      Hugs to you and since I LOVE Oregon (and Washington State) if you hear a knock on your door later tonight it’s me. That doesn’t sound creepy at all does it? 😉 The Pacific Northwest is my absolute favorite place to live. I’m in Northern Cali but lived in Seattle for a year and a half about 8 years ago and still get homesick for it.

      I’ll be waiting for a guest post in my email inbox from you. I know there’s something you would love to write about so think it over. 🙂

  10. Beadzoid (@MummyBeadzoid) September 9, 2011 at 09:23 #

    Hi Ellie, have never read your blog before but am following you on Twitter. I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine what you are going through. I also know how it feels to completely lose the ability to function, let alone write a blog, in the midst of depression. I too am a birth trauma sufferer though not through losing a child. A website I’ve found particularly helpful is a UK site (I’m a Brit) set up especially to help women who have suffered birth trauma (like it’s two founders):

    http://maternitymatters.net/

    I hope that you continue on the path to wellness. As well as medication I found Cognitive Behaviour Therapy really helpful.

    All the best

    xxx

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 11:38 #

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I read that website and know Jayne who’s one of the people who started that site. We connected since both of our daughters dealt with similar issues at birth (being in the NICU because of low blood sugar). The site is such a great thing for women like us and Jayne is wonderful.

      I just started therapy with a really great psychologist a few weeks ago. It will take some time but I’m hoping with medication and therapy, I’ll be feeling better in the near future. Much love to you sweetie. xx

  11. Truth Mama September 9, 2011 at 13:14 #

    Just wanted to say I really like reading your blog. Howdy ho! P.S. I love the Mr. Hanky reference. In fact, I named my cat “Poo” after watching the Poo Choo Train episode because no matter what I did, our apartment smelled like cat shit the day I brought him home. My husband gets embarrassed at the vet and spells it Pooh when we go there.

    Anyway, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I think a lot of stay-at-home moms suffer from depression so you’re definitely not alone. I know I’ve been having my own pity party lately. I think for me, it’s a feeling like I’m totally losing who I am and not doing anything for myself. Blogging has given me something that is “mine”. So keep writing and every day will get a little easier. Hugs!

  12. Christina September 9, 2011 at 13:22 #

    While I’ve never been in the same situation as you, I do understand anxiety and depression, and I completely understand needing to take a step back from the blog and just deal.

    Sending prayers and internet hugs your way.

    PS – Make you some of those Chocolate Pecan Pie Tarts. I find chocolate always gives me at least a tiny boost 🙂

    • Elle September 9, 2011 at 13:25 #

      Thank you so much, Christina. I totally plan on making those tarts this weekend and can’t wait. Squeee! xx

  13. Elle P. September 9, 2011 at 19:13 #

    I went through 2 ectopic pregnancies (2 years apart) and entered a pretty dark time after each. There was such turmoil going through my head because the way I saw it, my body let those babies down. The more I thought that, more I believed it and the deeper I went into my depression. Like I said, it was a very dark time… the best thing for me, was therapy. Talking it out certainly helped- vocalizing my feelings to a completely objective, who assured me, validated for me that it wasn’t my fault.

    This wasn’t your fault. I will email you those words everyday if you think it will help you.

    {hugs}

    • Elle P. September 9, 2011 at 19:16 #

      *completely objective person. (I hate making mistakes and I know there is another word I left out but I consider it a small victory by not fixing it.)

  14. up@night September 10, 2011 at 19:37 #

    I read your posts when my own little hummingbird goes to sleep…love the guest posts while you take care of you. I need to remind myself that telling my girl what to do & showing her how by doing it myself (like take care of myself & stay true to myself & confidence) are very different things. It’s a daily effort but worth it. Hugs 🙂

  15. Charlie September 24, 2011 at 13:14 #

    Hello! Better late commenting than never eh?! I’ve recently started reading your blog and love it! I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with a miscarriage. I’m in England and sending a huge virtual hug your way in support. X

    • Elle September 26, 2011 at 00:57 #

      Thank you sweetie. That means a lot. xx

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