Because moms are only human.

There’s obviously no doubt that my daughter means the world to me and as I slowly crawl out of the depression I’ve been in, I feel even closer to her. The little hummingbird isn’t just getting half of her mom like she has been since anxiety and depression hit me full force. She’s getting all of me, all sides of me.

Since moms are only human, there are times I show my irritation. In the past, I would do my best to hide it or take a few deep breaths and then deal with her acting out. That’s not to say I’ve been perfect, just that I’ve done my best.

There are occasions when she’s being a typical 2-year-old and I raise my voice (okay, more like yelled while saying her full name) and gets into something she knows she shouldn’t be getting into, like taking the cats food and water dish and then dumping it all over the floor. Or when she gets angry and throws something in defiance. She has been testing boundaries more and more.

When I scold her she’ll get this look on her face like wtf mommy or start crying. This always makes me feel like shit but the killer is when she lowers her head and walks out of the room.

As soon as those incidents happen, I instantly wish I could take them back since I feel such guilt but I know that she has been fine tuning her little toddler manipulation. I know she needs discipline but I also know I could approach some situations in a more gentle way.

We moved her to her big girl bed last Sunday and it’s been rocky to say the least. We tried to do it a few weeks ago but she just didn’t seem ready which is why we waited a few more weeks.

A few nights ago she was in her bed, well mostly out of her bed, and yelling for us while having tantrums. Me and the hubby actually waited to have dinner until after she went to bed because he had to go back to the base to oversee flag duty that he has twice a month.

Anyway, while hearing her yelling, screaming, and acting out I felt my patience wear thin. Even when she’s tantrumy and a typical 2-year-old I still feel bad when I hear her cry and I swear it actually hurts my heart. On this night though I just couldn’t take it.

After dinner I went into my bedroom and shut the door. My hubby and I took turns putting her back into bed when she kept on getting out of her bed eleventy billion times. She would go to the security gate we placed in her bedroom door frame and start kicking and shaking it really hard.

Normally we let her get out of her bed but if she starts doing something like that, we go to her room, pick her up, and lay her back down in her big girl bed and tell her she need to go to sleep.

With all the screaming and crying she was doing on this particular night, it was at that point when I seriously contemplated getting in my car and driving to the nice hotel down the street. I had thoughts of ordering room service and being able to watch some trash television in peace and quiet while wering a nice fluffy white robe.

Instead of doing that I walked into the master bathroom with my iPod and just sat on the floor for about 20 minutes so I didn’t have to hear my daughter throw a fit. I reluctantly made my way back into the “battle zone” where my husband was so I could give him a break.

The hummingbird eventually calmed down and finally wore herself out and fell asleep. Of course by this time it was too late for me and the hubby to spend some much-needed time together.

Even though I doubt myself on a daily basis when it comes to me being a mom, I do know I’m a great mama to my little hummingbird. I’ve learned that just because I am a mom doesn’t mean that I have to give up some simple pleasures like reading a book or just finding time to sit down and write this.

I used to think it was bad when I would want some time for myself and I would feel so relieved when my husband would take our little girl out for a few hours on the weekend so I can have some peace. But now I know after being at home with her all week, those few hours that I do have time to myself have me be a much better mother because while it’s taken me these past two years to figure this out, moms are only human.

It’s okay if I don’t spend every single waking moment with my daughter. I still want my own identity and while being the hummingbird’s mom is a huge part of that, I don’t want it to be the only part. As much as I cherish the time I do have to myself, when she is out with my husband, I miss her every second.

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11 Responses to Because moms are only human.

  1. marie September 16, 2011 at 08:03 #

    i’ve always felt a little out of control with my 2 and 3 yr old boys. i have felt like i am too mean or too nice and then sometimes i just wish they would just “go away” for a few hours or sleep in past 6:30am or clean up their toys or stop throwing the food on the f-ing floor already. BUT then i feel all shitty about it b/c so many people cant have kids and i do, blah blah. i try not to bitch about them because hello, i asked for kids right? what did i expect, a couple of angels who actually listen and never do anything bad? i dunno. but i’ve come to see that “society” tells us to never spank, yell, etc.b/c it will scar these kids so we all feel so bad about “losing control” but MAYBE its a good thing. my kids know when i yell, i mean it. you cant reason with a 2 yr old. like with your bedtime debacle. “society” says if you force bedtime, it will mess them up and if you dont run when they cry, then they will feel unloved, etc. HOWEVER, when i have let my kids cry themselves to sleep b/c its bedtime(!!) then i am actually doing them a favor in the long run. they need to figure out how to go to sleep with my holding their damn hand. Look at the kids these days- theycant go anywhere without their cell phones, ipods, computers, etc. they are ALWAYS connected to another person. Is that really healthy? what happens when these kids grow up and depend on themselves for encouragment, happiness, etc.? Bacically, what i am trying to say is that maybe those of us who feel like bad moms(or less of a mom at times) are actually the ones who are raising the good kids. and the moms who feel like they are the great moms and buy their kids everything, never say no, are actually the “bad” moms. because i think, you can’t be a parent and a friend all the time. –thats all 🙂 keep doing what your doing so i can write ridiculously long comments while i *gasp* am not playing with my kids

    • Elle September 16, 2011 at 08:54 #

      You are so right about moms who give their kids everything. I know it will backfire eventually. Also, I *love* your “ridiculously long comments”. 🙂 xoxo

  2. Sarah K. September 16, 2011 at 08:36 #

    I thought perhaps you would feel better if I told you that with 2 of my 4 children we literally locked them in their bedrooms until they fell asleep because there was no other way to make them stay in their rooms during the crib to bed transition. We found a baby gate didn’t work for them because they were able to see outside of their room and they threw stuff over the gate and trashed the house and prolonged the situation. I turned the locks around on their doors and locked them up like Death Row inmates. I still monitored them by going outside and peeking in the window (yes it was creepy and stalker like) to make sure they were fine. I unlocked the door once they were asleep. Don’t worry they were perfectly safe we never left it locked for long or without adult supervision. Sometimes you do what you gotta do to make it work.

    You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting time to yourself. You were a person before you were a wife and a mother and you shouldn’t lose yourself to those identities. I struggle for time alone and find that if I don’t demand it for myself it won’t happen. So stand up for yourself and enjoy those little moments of alone time even if it’s just going to the bathroom without some short person barging in on you.

    • Elle September 16, 2011 at 08:50 #

      I love you, girl! I heard about the whole turning the locks around on the doors before but my my hubby didn’t see any reason….buttmunch. 😉 Even though the hummingbird is nearly 2 1/2, we still use a video monitor.

      Even though we have those thingys on her dresser so she can’t open them up, every night she’ll take everything out of her bottom dresser drawers from the teeny tiny space, the little stinker! 😉

      Btw, I’m still dying for you to guest post and even have some pictures of us from back in elementary school picked out….hint, hint. 😀

  3. Laura September 16, 2011 at 10:28 #

    Can I get an amen? There are days that i am bone-tired and my patience has run out on all levels,….and then i feel guilty for taking a few minutes for “Me” time. I seriously don’t know when the guilt will ever end. Love this post.

    • Elle September 20, 2011 at 15:48 #

      I never knew that motherhood can be so great while at the same time being frustrating.

  4. Chelle September 16, 2011 at 12:25 #

    I so remember those days of just wanting to get into the car and drive away. I was five miles from the nearest airport and I would think that I could just drive over there, park, and jump on the first plane going ANYWHERE but where my three kids were. I was perpetually mad at my husband (which made TOTAL sense, right?) and I yelled at my kids and then apologized. Repeatedly.

    I think what makes a good mom is letting your children know you are a human being and sometimes being a human being isn’t pretty. What I learned from my parents (because they never did this) was that if I do something that I feel was unwarranted or too harsh, I apologize. And if I feel like it wasn’t the right punishment, I change it. I think my kids appreciate that sometimes Mom makes mistakes too.

    You are doing a fabulous job and you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t want to spend time alone in your bathroom plugged into your iPod. I wish we’d had those when my kids were little. My middle son almost got thrown into a wall because I just needed him to stop crying for FIVE MINUTES. Of course, I placed him gently into his crib and walked away. But come on. We all think from time to time about what it would take to just shut them up already. As long as we don’t act on those feelings of resentment, we’re good.

    Having kids is a blessing. And then having time for yourself is a bigger blessing. Don’t sell yourself short Elle. These are the rough years. I promise it gets better.

    Hugs,
    Chelle
    http://www.lifeonthedomesticfront.blogspot.com

    • Elle September 20, 2011 at 15:48 #

      Thank you so much, Chelle.

  5. Liz September 19, 2011 at 11:29 #

    I know I am a few days late on reading your post. I just found your blog via The Bloggess. I SOOOO needed to read this right now. I’m a SAHM with a 2 year old that is at this moment whooping and hollering instead of napping (she’s still in crib). I’m ready to pull my hair out. I would be fine with her giving up a nap if then she wouldn’t be a terror/exhausted until bedtime. Looks like today there’s no choice. Ugggghhhhhhhh.

    We just moved a few weeks ago and my fuse has gotten shorter – no adult friends here yet – while (like your daughter) my little one is starting to push boundaries farther and farther. It is good to hear that I’m not the only mom that loses her cool from time to time. Also, I really needed to hear that its human to need some time away. I need to figure out how to get that…quick! 🙂

    • Elle September 20, 2011 at 15:55 #

      We just put the little hummingbird in her big girl bed last week and while she’s getting more adjusted to it at night, I’ve been going mental during naptime because she thinks it time to party and I just want a few minutes of quiet.

      I think my iPod has saved a bit of my sanity since I can listen to a few songs and feel somewhat recharged after dealing with tantrums and having to watch Nick Jr. most of the day. 🙂

  6. NotMyYearOff September 22, 2011 at 08:17 #

    I’m suddenly not looking forward to the transition from cot to bed! It makes me wonder how people with multiple kids do it. You sound like a fab mummy to me. When you have a tigger toddler that doesn’t want to sleep it can be bloody tiring! I look at my niece and she is like a hyperactive jack in the box, all over the place and then she finally crashes and burns and goes to sleep!

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