There’s obviously no doubt that my daughter means the world to me and as I slowly crawl out of the depression I’ve been in, I feel even closer to her. The little hummingbird isn’t just getting half of her mom like she has been since anxiety and depression hit me full force. She’s getting all of me, all sides of me.
Since moms are only human, there are times I show my irritation. In the past, I would do my best to hide it or take a few deep breaths and then deal with her acting out. That’s not to say I’ve been perfect, just that I’ve done my best.
There are occasions when she’s being a typical 2-year-old and I raise my voice (okay, more like yelled while saying her full name) and gets into something she knows she shouldn’t be getting into, like taking the cats food and water dish and then dumping it all over the floor. Or when she gets angry and throws something in defiance. She has been testing boundaries more and more.
When I scold her she’ll get this look on her face like wtf mommy or start crying. This always makes me feel like shit but the killer is when she lowers her head and walks out of the room.
As soon as those incidents happen, I instantly wish I could take them back since I feel such guilt but I know that she has been fine tuning her little toddler manipulation. I know she needs discipline but I also know I could approach some situations in a more gentle way.
We moved her to her big girl bed last Sunday and it’s been rocky to say the least. We tried to do it a few weeks ago but she just didn’t seem ready which is why we waited a few more weeks.
A few nights ago she was in her bed, well mostly out of her bed, and yelling for us while having tantrums. Me and the hubby actually waited to have dinner until after she went to bed because he had to go back to the base to oversee flag duty that he has twice a month.
Anyway, while hearing her yelling, screaming, and acting out I felt my patience wear thin. Even when she’s tantrumy and a typical 2-year-old I still feel bad when I hear her cry and I swear it actually hurts my heart. On this night though I just couldn’t take it.
After dinner I went into my bedroom and shut the door. My hubby and I took turns putting her back into bed when she kept on getting out of her bed eleventy billion times. She would go to the security gate we placed in her bedroom door frame and start kicking and shaking it really hard.
Normally we let her get out of her bed but if she starts doing something like that, we go to her room, pick her up, and lay her back down in her big girl bed and tell her she need to go to sleep.
With all the screaming and crying she was doing on this particular night, it was at that point when I seriously contemplated getting in my car and driving to the nice hotel down the street. I had thoughts of ordering room service and being able to watch some trash television in peace and quiet while wering a nice fluffy white robe.
Instead of doing that I walked into the master bathroom with my iPod and just sat on the floor for about 20 minutes so I didn’t have to hear my daughter throw a fit. I reluctantly made my way back into the “battle zone” where my husband was so I could give him a break.
The hummingbird eventually calmed down and finally wore herself out and fell asleep. Of course by this time it was too late for me and the hubby to spend some much-needed time together.
Even though I doubt myself on a daily basis when it comes to me being a mom, I do know I’m a great mama to my little hummingbird. I’ve learned that just because I am a mom doesn’t mean that I have to give up some simple pleasures like reading a book or just finding time to sit down and write this.
I used to think it was bad when I would want some time for myself and I would feel so relieved when my husband would take our little girl out for a few hours on the weekend so I can have some peace. But now I know after being at home with her all week, those few hours that I do have time to myself have me be a much better mother because while it’s taken me these past two years to figure this out, moms are only human.
It’s okay if I don’t spend every single waking moment with my daughter. I still want my own identity and while being the hummingbird’s mom is a huge part of that, I don’t want it to be the only part. As much as I cherish the time I do have to myself, when she is out with my husband, I miss her every second.