This embarrassing moment comes from Teri who blogs at Diary of a Mad Hatter and is also one of the editor’s and a writer for our new site, Motherhood Uncovered, which will officially open its doors on the 26th. Yay!
stalking reading Teri’s blog for a year now and it’s one of my favorites. It’s so hard to just pick some of the posts I like because I love them all, no matter what she writes about.
So, you should just go to her site and read everything. Need to make dinner tonight? Three words. Order a pizza. That will give you more reading time. If cleaning up will take away from that, just let your family stand around the pizza box and refuse to give them plates.
Baby Bird is the. greatest. post. ever.
What happens at Barbie’s house stays at Barbie’s house ~ You have to see it for yourself. This made me laugh so hard.
Teri has an 11-year-old daughter and is currently going through infertility. After reading her blog for so long and now with us working together on the new site, I’ve felt crushed since she first said that she has PCOS and infertility. I have so much ladder love for her.
Q and A with Teri.
Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?
A. a flame thrower.
B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.
C. a chainsaw.
D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.
E. other and what would it be?
F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!
Teri: E – My hands because I’m a badass.
Elle: If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone who would it be?
Teri: A person who can make the elevator not be stuck anymore because OMG I am claustrophobic and I’m going to die just thinking about being stuck in an elevator. Thanks, Elle.
Elle: If you could drop everything and go anywhere (real or fantasy) in the world, where would it be?
Elle: Favorite guilty pleasure?
Teri: *Wink*wink* Also, The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Elle: If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never had to hear about them again, who would it be?
Teri: This is tough…so many to choose from…the pressure…I can’t do it…Celine Dion.
Elle: Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.
Teri: Oscar. (So I could say “Have you touched my Oscar Meyer Weiner?”)
Elle: What’s one of your favorite books?
Teri: What is it with all of these questions? I have so many! I’ll go with The Red Tent. No, The Bell Jar. No, Catcher in the Rye. No, Harry Potter. No, Beloved.
Elle: What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?
Teri: Anything by NKOTB.
Elle: A favorite non-mommy activity?
Elle: What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?
Teri: Love You Forever, OBVIOUSLY.
Elle: What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?
Teri: Pokemon. Pokemon. Pokemon.
Elle: What’s one of your favorite movies?
Teri: Steel Magnolias.
I don’t really have a witty title for this.
I had to go to the doctor unexpectedly to have my lady parts examined.
Because it was unexpected that means that I didn’t prepare ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo.
If you don’t it means that I didn’t shave or bring socks.
My biggest problem was the shoes I wore that should have been thrown out months ago because they stink to high heaven when I take them off but I haven’t been able to throw them out yet because they are cute. This is the same reason God makes babies cute so when they stink you don’t throw them away. It’s basic instinct, people.
I realized I was wearing my cute stinky shoes about halfway to my appointment. Given that I was already 10 minutes late I decided I would give my feet a good body spraying before I got out of the car and hope for the best.
The reason this is a big deal? If you don’t know then you are probably not a lady. Because if you were then you would know that when you get your lady parts looked at they make you take EVERYTHING off. They don’t explicitly say “take off your shoes” and I considered not taking them off but I thought it would be a little awkward for the doctor to examine me, completely naked, wearing a pair of snake skin pumps.
When I took off my shoes the stench was overwhelming. The body spray did not work. So I did what any respectable woman would do in that situation.
I washed my feet with the disposable wet wipes they have so you can freshen your lady parts.
I never wanted a pap smear to be over so quickly in my entire life. I kept thinking that she knew that I washed my feet with vagina wipes. I did my best to stuff the evidence as far down in the trash can as I could but it was hard because I didn’t really want to stick my hand in too deep and risk touching something that would give me herpes.
My doctor came in the room and washed her hands.
She did her thing.
I was cautiously optimistic that I had been successful.
Until she washed her hands for the second time and kind of did a double take in the trash can.
That’s when I realized that she probably uses this room all day and didn’t have many other patients today being that it is a holiday week so it was pretty obvious that I
was the only one who used all of the vagina wipes. I’m sure she was thinking that I didn’t look that clean down there. Or perhaps my flowery smelling feet now made sense. I don’t know. I don’t care.
I don’t want to think about it.
Stop making me talk about it already!
I normally don’t have a hard time looking the gyno in the eye after she has examined my nether regions but this time?
I stared at the diagram on the wall.
The one I usually avoid.
The one of the pretty vagina.
I came home and washed the shame off of me by putting on my yoga pants and t-shirt.
I tossed the whole outfit in the trash.
Burning day is tomorrow.