I’ll never meet you but I love you.

It’s been about 8 weeks since I miscarried and I’m still reeling over it. I still cry at least once a day over this being that I’ll never meet. My hubby won’t talk about it so I thought the best thing to do is write down what I’ve said to him in the last several weeks to get everything out.

                                                           

I only knew you existed for such a short time and while it was so hard for me, I thought my feelings about your loss would start to be more manageable, not get worse like it has.

I keep thinking about when I saw the little hummingbird when I was 9 weeks along and while she was difficult to make out on the sonagram pictures and being pregnant seemed so surreal, I look at her now and I’m amazed by this person I was a part of creating.

I know you would have been just as incredible.

I’ve had baby names picked out for you for quite a while.

If you were a boy, and something in my gut says you were, we would have named you Benjamin, Ben for short.

If you were a girl, your name would have been Claire.

I’m really trying not to dwell on this but I think about how I would have been a little over 3 months pregnant. I would have been in the “safe” zone now and would be able to tell people of your existence.

But I can’t.

And it kills me.

I was so shocked when I found out about you since it was such a surprise but the shock wore off within a day.

You’re constantly on my mind and my heart has been ripped to shreds.

I want to tell you that I love you and I always will.

I know my love for you will never go away but I hope the pain I have of your loss will get somewhat easier to handle….

Eventually.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

, , ,

15 Responses to I’ll never meet you but I love you.

  1. teri September 30, 2011 at 18:37 #

    Oh sweet lady, my heart is breaking for you. I pink puffy heart you. Lots of hugs and chocolate to you.

  2. Marianna Annadanna September 30, 2011 at 18:51 #

    Oh, darling. This is such a lovely letter. You are so strong. My heart aches hearing that you’re still in so much pain. I can only tell you that I imagine how difficult it is, but that loving and talking about little Ben or Claire will help. This baby can be a part of your life even though he died.

    I told hubby about your struggles (sorry, hope that’s ok) and he said he’s really sorry too. He said he doesn’t know much about pregnancy or miscarriage (neither do I), but that he expects it would be really hard for him to wrap his head around and maybe B just can’t relate to what you’re going through.

    One more thing. This WILL get better. It WILL. I promise. I didn’t believe it, and then it did.

    xoxoxo

  3. sarahk. September 30, 2011 at 20:12 #

    This makes my heart weep for you. It is such a difficult thing to deal with, I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. It’s so amazing how fast the highs and lows of life come and go. I am sure it was meant to be and happened for a reason that you will never know, which really doesn’t make it any easier. All you can do is take one day at a time and enjoy the little hummingbird, which I am sure you are doing anyway. Hugs!

  4. Elle P. September 30, 2011 at 20:17 #

    When you feel ready, I will send you a poem that helped me. I don’t know why but I found peace and comfort in it and was finally able to come to terms with what happened. Like I said, when you’re ready, it’s yours. Just let me know.

    xoxo,
    Elle

  5. NotMyYearOff October 1, 2011 at 04:29 #

    Those are lovely names and people do say a mothers instinct is always correct. I hope you are healing and baby happiness finds you again very soon. Xxx

  6. Chelle October 1, 2011 at 07:06 #

    Elle, I am so sad with you. And none of what you are feeling is wrong. It really isn’t. You are mourning a death of someone who is very real to you.

    I saw my oldest son’s heart beating when I was three weeks pregnant, so I completely understand. You are wondering what happened, why it happened, if you could have done something differently. But there wasn’t. There are no words that will make this better and the fact that people couldn’t see that you were pregnant makes it harder for them to relate.

    Each little life is important and you will always remember this one. It is not okay to trivialize what happened and you shouldn’t be expected to just get over it. To your hubby, it wasn’t real, he hadn’t felt the baby kick or move or seen it on a sonogram, so to him, he probably doesn’t understand what the big deal is, but to you, it’s a life that was inside you and I am crying just thinking about how much grief you are feeling.

    It’s okay to cry. It’s okay that you gave that little life a name. And it’s okay to feel everything that you are feeling. This is not the end though. Things will get better, although you will never forget this one. Hopefully there will be another little life for you soon. When you are aching to be pregnant, the enormity of losing a baby is overwhelming. Just know that you are not alone and there are a lot of people crying with you.

    {{{{Hugs}}}}
    Chelle

  7. Wombat Central October 1, 2011 at 07:19 #

    Big hugs followed by a kick-ass sundae. xo

  8. delagar October 1, 2011 at 11:47 #

    It’s fifteen years since my miscarriage, and I still have days when it hits me and I find myself crying. I still miss that child.

    She or he would have been Sarah or Leo.

    But yes, it will stop hurting *as* *much*, or at least as much all the time.

    Feel better.

  9. jkfrisch October 1, 2011 at 13:06 #

    I know how hard it is. You are dealing with it the best way you can, by sharing with people who understand and care. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me…

  10. TJ Brown October 1, 2011 at 15:55 #

    I am so sorry about your loss. Your husband will talk about it, it’s just that guys think they have to be the big man and not show their feelings. You’re not going through this alone.

    • Elle October 2, 2011 at 09:09 #

      My husband is a man of few words so thank you for your persective. It means a lot to me.

  11. Alicia October 2, 2011 at 17:05 #

    Lots of hugs. Thinking of you. No one can understand miscarriage as much as another woman who has been through it. I am glad you have this blog as an outlet for your feelings…and know you have MANY of us here supporting you!

  12. Megan Bee October 5, 2011 at 05:36 #

    I know I’m a little late to respond, but just wanted to say how sorry I am.
    I had multiple losses in the last few years, so I have been there and it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. My husband was similar in that he didn’t want to talk about it. Months later he would tell me it was because he just didn’t know what to say. It’s different for them, they don’t see anything, feel anything, etc. Now that I am pregnant, it took a while for my husband to get excited. Not until I was showing and he felt the baby kicking. Before that he had very little connection with her.

    Take lots of time to grieve. It is a loss and needs to be remembered.

  13. Paula February 9, 2012 at 10:23 #

    I know this is an old post but I’ve just recently started reading your blog. I’m sorry to hear about your loss and I know how you feel. I had four miscarriages in 5 years and it hurt every time. I was lucky enough though to have my 1st son back in ’08 and just had my 2nd son a year ago. They never told me why I had so many miscarriages and for the first three they didn’t give me a D&C. (Which I think is what caused the last three) Finally after my fourth my doctor gave me a D&C and we were finally blessed. I find myself sometimes watching my two little ones play and wonder what the others would have been like, but I can’t dwell on that. If I had those kids I might not have had the two I have now. I just hope over time your pain will a ease a little. I don’t think it ever goes away totally. Your husband will come around eventually and talk to you. I think sometimes our husbands don’t know what to say b/c they didn’t share the connection we did with the little one growing inside of us. Thanks for sharing.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. a guest in the ‘hood « The Polka Dot Palace - August 7, 2012

    […] of her posts made me cry, some of them made me laugh, and some of them just made me feel like I’m not alone on this […]

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge