Tips on how to avoid cooking and cleaning when you’re allergic to it.

When it comes to being a stay at home mom, I know I can do better but there are times I can be so burnt out and exhausted when it comes to doing the same thing every day; giving the little hummingbird her breakfast, cleaning her up afterwards, cleaning her high chair and tray, letting her watch some obnoxious kids cartoon, giving her a snack, not having her like the snack I give her and finding something else, taking her to the park, trying to walk back home and having her throw a tantrum because she’s not ready to go home yet, giving her lunch, cleaning up, trying to get her to take a nap or at least have some quiet time in her room so I can have a little bit of peace, not having her give me any peace, and on and on for the rest of the day.

While I’m doing all of this with the hummingbird, I don’t really have time to do much else. Okay, scratch that. I know I can make the time to do these things but I just don’t want to. There, I said it. I know my husband works hard at his job but so do I. Not only that, he doesn’t have a 2 1/2 year old dictator boss that he has to deal with day after day. When it comes to his job he’s pretty much left alone in his office or in the classroom teaching. That sounds like paradise to me.

Problem – The dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the dishes in the sink are piling up. You’ve spent an exhausting morning dealing with a cranky toddler and you just want to lay your kid down for a nap so you can catch up on one of the several episodes of The Real Housewives that have been on your DVR for the past few months.

Solution – Forget the dishes and veg out in front of the television for an hour. You deserve it. When your husband comes home from work tell him that the oddest thing happened. You had planned on doing the dishes but not only did the electricity go out, so did the water.

Before he has a chance to question you, also make sure to tell him your child refused to nap even if they actually didn’t. Then really bring it home by telling him how tired you are and bring your hand up to your head saying you have the worst headache ever and you really need to lay down for a bit.

Problem – The laundry is piling up.

Solution – What laundry? I don’t see any dirty laundry.

Problem – The trash can is full.

Solution – Put on your shoes and smash the trash down as far as it will go. Later that night, right before bed, say oh by the way, can you take the trash out? and then run like hell into the bedroom and lay in bed, pretending that you’ve already fallen asleep. He’s still in his clothes but unless he’s a meanie, he wouldn’t dare wake his sleeping wife to take the trash out.

Problem – Cooking dinner.

Solution – Tell him you have raging PMS and your cramps are so bad that you can barely stand up. Add a few owwws and ohhhsss. By the time the take-out he ordered comes, you’ve miraculously recovered.

Problem – You see commercials for Hoarders: Buried Alive and you wonder when the camera crew came to your house.

Solution – Stay strong and be really stubborn. After 16 years of marriage, FINALLY convince your hubby that you need to get a cleaning lady to come once a week.

If all else fails, promising oral sex has always worked for me.

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12 Responses to Tips on how to avoid cooking and cleaning when you’re allergic to it.

  1. teri October 19, 2011 at 22:51 #

    Oral sex has not worked for me! My husband hates me. Or I’m just really bad at oral sex.

    • Elle October 19, 2011 at 22:55 #

      Maybe a hand job? Or give him a tube of KY and tell him to knock himself out. 😉

      • teri October 20, 2011 at 19:09 #

        Holy baby jeebus….I can’t stop laughing!

  2. Chelle Moser Newton October 20, 2011 at 06:48 #

    You guys slay me. Heehee. I have found that if you don’t follow through on the oral sex, you usually can still get what you want by promising it again. I’m so mean.

    I have stopped even pretending to care about all of those things. Once they get to be teenagers, your house is no longer your own anyway. The groceries disappear, the dishes pile up the minute you do them, the trash can is always overflowing, and you have no idea what that stench is that is coming out of the bathroom the younger boys share…well, you have a PRETTY good idea, but you don’t want to go in and find out.

    I feel blessed to have convinced my husband that we need a cleaning woman every other week and he pays for her because he knows I will be miserably unhappy if he doesn’t. And I have fibromyalgia, so I will be physically miserable if I have to do the cleaning. Washing one set of windows puts me on the couch for three days. I still have to do the dishes and the laundry and “clean up” for the cleaning woman, but it’s a small price to pay.

    Doing the same shit day after day after day gets BORING. So I write and play games online and go on Facebook and do the absolute minimum I have to do. He’s still here; I wonder why?

  3. happinessafterheartache October 20, 2011 at 07:42 #

    Things like dishes, laundry, and taking out the trash are 3 good reasons that I have kids. Now……I just have to wait a few years until they’re old enough to do these things. But believe me, I’m prepping them now. They already “help” with the laundry, and put their dirty dishes in the sink, and put the lid back on the garbage can after I’ve put in a new bag. Baby steps. And dinner? That’s husband’s job. I usually get it started because I get home first…..but if twins = terrors that day, then hubby is on his own with the cooking.

  4. SunshinesMommie October 20, 2011 at 15:59 #

    You seriously, rock!!! haha!! The oral sex promise totally works too!! But invariably fall asleep before he does to deliver. Oops….
    Hats off to you!! I am in the same spot and look at mom’s who are going to work, cleaning everything, AND taking care of baby as miraculous wonders. I WISH I could be like that. Alas, I am me. and I am doing enough for my baby by just BEING with her. Same for you. Screw everyone else’s expectations. Just live for the Hummingbird, and those moments where you can take YOU time!!

  5. Jen October 20, 2011 at 19:09 #

    I too have had great luck in the promise of oral sex department. In fact, I think my tally is pretty high. Fortunately, my husband has not asked to collect… yet.

  6. Sarah M October 21, 2011 at 06:00 #

    Oh my gosh so awesome thanks for all the tips…because I feel like I was reading a page out of my life story!! And i bet they wish they weren’t so persuaded by the mere suggestion of oral!! LOL

  7. Belinda October 21, 2011 at 12:32 #

    Very funny post and the comments equally so. Give him an offer he can’t refuse.

    • Elle October 21, 2011 at 13:22 #

      Belinda!!! Oh how I’ve missed you! xx

  8. Notmyyearoff October 26, 2011 at 08:02 #

    Haaaa love it!! I have been known to text my hubby from bed asking him to put the bins out. I add a “Mwah!” so it’s not mean 😉

  9. Suzi November 6, 2011 at 14:09 #

    Love it! Love it! Love it! My favorite solution is the one for taking out the trash!

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