Silence.

*I wrote this last year. I hate that another year has gone by without you. I miss you, Danielle, more than ever.

The other day I was wondering what you were doing but then I remembered you were gone. I can’t believe it’s been seven years since you left us so early. Even though we didn’t always get along, I loved you like a sister.

It’s not surprising, we had known each other since preschool. Our moms were great friends. We would spend Christmas Eve at your house and get a personal appearance from Santa Claus.

I even remember being at your house when they debuted Michael Jackson’s video, Thriller. Your mom was peeking through her fingers the entire time. As you got older, you grew your hair long. It was the most beautiful brown hair I have seen.

You were at my wedding but I was so overwhelmed with people that I never got a chance to say hello. I’ve seen my wedding video and watched as you stood aside while I greeted people. There is so much guilt I feel because of that.

You moved out of the small town where we lived. I had moved away several years before. You got married but by then we had lost touch. I would always ask my mom how you were.

I’ll never know what led you to take your own life on that day. Your mom has never recovered. Nobody will be the same. The shock of it was with me for months and then disbelief set it. It has been with me since.

I was never angry at you but I wish you would have talked to someone, anyone. I still can’t accept that you are no longer here, even after seven years. So I will continue to catch myself wondering what you’re doing.

*www.save.org/

*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8288

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4 Responses to Silence.

  1. Trisha October 25, 2011 at 04:31 #

    Beautiful words for a horrific situation. We may never know what leads people to make that decision; we can only do everything in our power to help others see it is not the only answer.

  2. Annie October 25, 2011 at 08:37 #

    I have lost a few people to suicide. I know that the pain of living was so great that they couldn’t face another day, but the finality of their decision never seems to get easier to accept. Maybe it is the guilt…or like you wrote, maybe it is the fact that they didn’t feel they could talk to anyone. Danielle must have been a very special person. I have to believe that wherever he is, he knows you still care.

  3. SunshinesMommie October 25, 2011 at 09:35 #

    My condolences on your lost…. I too, have had several friends commit suicide. I hurt for them, for their families, and all those who loved them. It is like a big hole that can’t be filled, except with silence. Profound, Elle. Very touching.

  4. Marianna Annadanna October 25, 2011 at 18:52 #

    This is such a sweet post. We all have guilt, but if the roles had been reversed, would you have held it against her? Of course not.

    I’m sorry you lost a friend. Big hugs.

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