Okay, so a dingo didn’t eat my baby but I haven’t gotten much sleep for a while and couldn’t think of anything else for a title.
It took my hubby and I almost 14 years to have the little hummingbird. Long story long is that while I was ready for a baby soon after we were married, he kept on dragging his feet and making excuses.
For the first couple of years I could deal with it and with him being in the military and all the moving we did, I understood. But once we were stationed in Virginia Beach for nearly 3 years, even though he was gone a lot, he would tell me he’s just not ready. It was difficult because the other officer wives had children already and here I was childless and so we didn’t have much to talk about.
After about 5 or 6 years there was a lot of tension between us over the matter. I know marriage is a roller coaster and that was a down period for us. My hubby wouldn’t even talk about having kids which was beyond effing frustrating.
I was on birth control but when 8 or so years of marriage went by without any baby plans in the near future, I had some people saying to just stop taking it because this waiting game for a baby was getting ridiculous.
I honestly don’t know if either of us have fertility issues or how long it could take for the little hummingbird to get a sibling in a few years since we never tried to have a baby. Sure there were times when we would move somewhere and there would be a lapse in me taking the pill because I would have to wait to see a new doctor and get a prescription but I never got pregnant during those times.
The miscarriage I had in August concerns me into thinking there could be an issue but I know there are so many reasons why that happens. The pregnancy was also a surprise like the hummingibrd.
Being childless continued after 10, 11, 12 years of marriage and now that I look back, I think there was a much deeper issue for my husband’s excuses and having such a long delay for us having a baby. Maybe this is because I’m just now getting to the heart of my depression with seeing my therapist but I think a lot of it had to do with the way he was raised and the things he went through. While I know plenty, I also think there are things he has left out or has supressed.
To sum it up, I think he was terrified of having children because he didn’t want the same thing to happen to our kid/s that happened to him. There’s so much about his parents, especially my MIL, that I don’t say….believe it or not.
Fast forward to June of 2008. We were living in Arlington, VA and I went in for my yearly exam. The doctor ended up writing a prescription for the wrong birth control which I didn’t notice until I was in the parking lot. I thought I would simply run back into the clinic to get it changed but when I went back, the doctor was already with another patient.
I left my info and told the receptionist what the problem was and thought it would be straightened out soon. Wrong. I never heard from the doctor. I even went to the clinic to speak with someone to no avail. The whole time I was thinking I just want my damn birth control, not meth, and this was crazy to go through all of this.
Then I was told I needed to come in for another exam so the doctor could stick her hand up my hoo-ha and do another pap smear even though I had already gotten the results from the one a few weeks prior and it was clear. I would explain that I’ve done this less that a month ago and just needed the correct prescription.
She had written a prescription for a birth control pill that wasn’t anything like what I’ve been taking so I was worried about how it would affect me since I’ve learned over the years that I need to be on a low dose of birth control or else I become like a pissed off Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 3 except my meltdown doesn’t become viral or get a cool song remix.
After calling several times, going to the clinic, leaving messages, and all of that good stuff, I thought eff it. I know obviously by not being on birth control my chances of getting pregnant became sky-high but my hubby knew the dilemma I was in so we used other forms of birth control.
Wait a sec, this just in….it didn’t work…obviously.
The subtle signs were there but I really didn’t think anything of it. The biggest giveaway should have been when I went downstairs from our 18th floor apartment to the little convenience store on the first floor and instead of getting something with chocolate, I had this intense craving for something lemony which has never happened seeing as how I’m a chocoholic.
The physical symptoms I was having were very close to when I get my period so again, I didn’t think anything of it. Soon after I had to drive my hubby to the Naval Hospital in Bethesda because he had broken his foot and was finally getting surgery on it. There I was driving on the freeway and I had the worst nausea. I blamed it on nerves because of my husband’s surgery.
Normally I have the nose of a dog but my sense of smell went up tremendously. Also, just a week before my husband’s foot surgery, we went to a music festival in Maryland and while it was awesome, I was beyond exhausted which was another sign…..ding, ding, ding.
One other sign that I seemed to ignore was I had this intense need to pick out a girl’s baby name. I had names already picked out for my firstborn….Emma Rose for a girl and Caden Gage for a boy but I had picked out these names years ago. The girl name I loved had become so popular and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to use that name after all.
So, I poured through baby name websites when without knowing it I was about 3 weeks pregnant. Nothing really jumped out at me but then I found a baby name book I had gotten years ago. While I was flipping through the pages, whoop there it was. I knew there would be very few girls named “the little hummingbird”
I kid, I kid and was certain that would be the name I would use someday. I had no idea that “someday” would be 8 months later.
A few weeks later in September I remember sitting in the living room listening to Kings of Leon “Sex On Fire” over and over and all of these things finally came together for me. I knew I had a pregnancy test somewhere so I ripped through my bathroom cabinets and finally found it.
I peed on the stick and it was positive within seconds. I was in total shock even though it shouldn’t have been that surprising. So, I convinced myself the pregnancy test was “broken”, ha, and ran across the street to CVS where I got a 2 pack of one brand and a 2 pack of a different one. I rushed back home and all were positive.
Then I went to the grocery store down the street because holy hell in a hot pocket, all of these tests had to have been broken because of some kind of conspiracy, right?
I peed some more and those were positive too.
When my husband came home from work that day, I was going to act cool about it and wait to tell him but that lasted all of 2 seconds. He was really shocked to say the least. Even after I went to take a blood test the next day, he still wasn’t convinced.
It wasn’t until 2 weeks later when I went in for my first ultrasound and we saw the hummingbird that it really hit us both.
There was another photo we got on that first visit and I swear it looks like she’s tap dancing. When I think about it now and how she can’t sit still for even a minute, she probably was tap dancing in my uterus.
After the first doctor’s visit, my hubby really seemed to come around and once she was born, it was love at first cry…for all of us. Then just a day after she was born, she was rushed to the NICU and our lives were changed even more.
The feelings I have when I think about her 21 days in the NICU are still so fresh in my mind, even after 2 1/2 years. We were in the dark most of the time when it came to her issue with hypoglycemia (that was resolved when she was 6 weeks old) which was really frustrating. I was pretty much like my daughter would be…fine one minute, crying the next, then fine again.
Over two years later, I’m amazed and so thankful
and exhausted at how she’s such a free-spirited, sweet, animated and theatrical, and oh my gawd she never stops moving, ever entergetic little girl who is poking me in the back and saying in a whisper, mahmeee, mahmeee, mahmee as I write this.
It’s World Prematurity Day and while the hummingbird was born at 37 weeks, I know there are many of you who are celebrating your miracle babies. I was born about 6 weeks premature and weighed 4 pounds 4 ounces. I also had a congentital heart defect and my prognosis was grim….6 months tops to live.
Tricia who has her personal blog Stream Of The Conscious and writes for our awesome group website A Nervous Tic Motion wrote an absolutely beautiful post about her twin boys being born at 27 weeks. She also made a video of the time that they spent in the NICU so I would suggest having a box of tisues handy.