Guest post: What I’ve learned in the past 4 years of being a mom.

 

This guest post comes from Christina who doesn’t have her own blog but you’ll be thinking she should after reading this. She has 3 boys; 4 years, 2 years, and 3 months old. You know what? She should be a contributing writer for the group website, A Nervous Tic Motion, so she can write whenever she wants. No pressure at all Christina. heh.

 

Q and A with Christina

Elle: If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

Christina: E. I have a newborn so I already am a zombie of sorts. As for weapons to fight said zombies?  I would fight the real zombies with soap and water.  That is what scares my little monsters and has them running away from me every time :) 

Elle: Favorite guilty pleasure?

Christina: I’m embarrassed to actually put words to my addiction but I really have a thing for terrible reality t.v  such as Keeping Up with The Kardashians and 19 Kids and Counting.  I’m secretly fascinated by all those Duggar kids. (You’re not really printing this are you?!?)  LOL.

~Elle’s note…Don’t worry Christina, I have a strange fascination with the Duggars and DVR the show.

 

Elle: What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

Christina: Caillou.  I think he’s a total brat and I want to know why he has no hair when everyone else in the show does.  Also Yo Gabba Gabba…..            

I want to be your Sister Wife after that answer! ~ Elle

                                      

A friend sent me an email that a lady with her first baby (8 months old) wrote and it was all about things she’s learned these past 8 months so it got me thinking about what I’ve learned in the last 4 years. What do you all think? True for you?

1. Your whole world will revolve around poop….for many years. Who has pooped? Who hasn’t pooped? Who’s poop is on the floor? Even your grown up conversations with your husband will involve poop talk or other bathroom humor.

2. You will swear you will never be THAT mom who feeds her kids McDonald’s (just like you vow you will never let your kid play in those germ infested nasty play places inside said McDonald’s) but, you will. You may start out making your own organic baby food purée and using Whole Foods brand shampoo so your kid doesn’t suffer the neurotoxicity and reproductive failure that good ole Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo causes. And you’ll sign your baby up for Mandarin lessons at 6 months old (even though all they can do is drool and smile) but soon…..very soon, you too will be chucking chicken nuggets to the kid in the way back of the mini van and bribing them with Diet Coke just to get them to use the potty (see #1 above)

3. The terrible twos are nothing to be scared of. It’s the F’ing fours that nobody has the heart to tell you about. It’s not because they hate you that they don’t tell you about the sassy, back talking four year old who repeats every bad thing you don’t want him to……it’s because, well, they love you and don’t want to scare you.

4. When people see 3 kids they feel the need to say “Oh! You’ve got your hands full” and it will annoy you to no end.

5. If you weren’t good at building things with Legos as a kid; you’ll still suck at it as an adult

6. You will never realize how little you know about the world and how things work until you have a two year old asking you to explain everything to them.

7. Toddlers LOVE band-aids. I mean, they freaking LoVe them. I don’t know if its the attention they get from people asking “what happened?” or what. But kids effing love band-aids.

8. You may say you will never let your kid wear Disney character shirts from Walmart, but you will. Wanna know why? Because toddlers are a pain in the ass to get dressed. Especially when they’re 3 and have opinions about EVERYTHING. If having a hideous, brown, $3 TowMater shirt makes getting dressed happen quicker, then you’ll be all.about.it.

9. Kids can actually grow and thrive eating nothing more than frozen Dino nuggets and fish sticks. For real peeps.

10. Kids won’t tell you when they’re shoes are too small. I have gone months without thinking about getting a kid’s foot measured, only to find out they’re wearing shoes two sizes too small and they never complained once. That may be the only thing they don’t complain about. Oh, and you will feel like the worst mother ever when the chick at Stride Rite tells you that you’ve been stuffing your poor baby’s foot into a too small shoe.

11. You will never be able to go to the restroom alone. Ever.

12. Minivans rock. I mean seriously, they are the freaking best invention ever. Everyone will say how uncool they are and they will mock you mercilessly…….but then they will all ask for the “tour” and they will “ooh and ahh” at the automatic doors

13. No matter how smart you are or what fab college you went to: it will still take you for.effing.ever to install car seats. (no matter how many times you’ve done it before)

14. Kids do not like Santa. They don’t want to sit on his lap or get their picture taken, he scares the crap outta them. He’s okay as long as he stays in the North Pole and brings them stuff. But as a parent you will still put your kid in an uncomfortable sweater vest and thrust them into the arms of a felt clad, strange old man and pay big bucks to capture the memory of your kid screaming his ever loving ass off in the arms of Jolly old St.Nick.

15. Toddlers will not tell you when they’re going to throw up. They can actually be telling you how hungry or thirsty they are while barfing midway through the sentence. And it will not be any less disgusting because they’re your sweet, precious babies. It will always be gross. Every time. No matter what.

16. The battery people and the toy manufacturers are in kahoots together. As are the Goldfish and Apple Juice folks.

17. You might weigh the same as you did before kids but none of your old clothes will fit you. Its like your whole body gets rearranged somehow.

18. The amount of laundry when you have kids is unimaginable. I mean, seriously unimaginable. If you hated doing laundry before kids: buckle up! It’s going to be a rough ride!

19. You will spend the first two years of your baby’s life trying to get him to walk and talk and the next 15 years trying to get him to sit down and shut up.

20. You will spend hours trying to get a kid down for a nap or to sleep for the night and once they’re asleep, you’ll stare and them and be so overwhelmed with their sweetness that all you’ll want to do is wake them up.

21. You will be so tired that you will *think* you hear a kid crying even when there isn’t a kid in the house…and even though you know that, you’ll still go and check.

22. The words to Dora the Explorer and Bubble Guppies will become the background music in your dreams. Really.

23. Even when your kids aren’t in the car with you, you will find yourself squealing with delight when a fire truck goes by!

24. You can never own too many Hotwheels cars.

25. You will be shocked and mortified when your 4 year old calls you a “Lunatic” (but you will laugh to yourself later about your kid’s comedic timing)

26. Children are painfully honest. When they cry and scream at you to stop singing in the car, it’s not because they’re fussy or tired. It’s because you have a terrible singing voice. (sad but true)

27. Nothing, and I mean nothing will be sweeter to your ears than hearing your kids help each other or proclaim their love to you.

28. Sometimes kids call things by the wrong name and even though its inappropriate, you’ll let them go on calling it the wrong thing. My son, for example calls tow trucks “hookers” and I don’t correct him because, well, its pretty hilarious to hear him talk about “how fun Hookers are to play with.”

29. Be prepared to watch the same movie 200,000,000 times.

30. Your college degree will not prepare you for your new ‘waitress gig’ (otherwise known as Motherhood)

31. Other Mommies will judge the heck out of you. For everything. Haters gonna hate

32. If you’re going to have kids, you need a smart phone. Period.

33. People lose their minds when they see a cute baby. Perhaps that is why total strangers feel the need to touch your newborn on the hands or mouth after sneezing into their own hands.

34. If you were an OCD germ phobe before kids, it will only get exponentially worse. (see #33)

35. No matter how lame you thought it was before: a bunch of siblings in matching clothes is freaking adorable. Nuff said.

36. You will be proud of your snarky two year old when he says “Excuse you!” to the lady who almost mows him down with her shopping cart.

37. T.V is a great babysitter. If you disagree, its only because you have a real life babysitter to occupy your kids while you shower, prepare meals etc.

38. At the end of the day, you will not want to trade one sleepless night, puked on shirt, dirty diaper, sassy remark, temper tantrum throwing minute to be lucky enough to be your kids Mama.

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7 Responses to Guest post: What I’ve learned in the past 4 years of being a mom.

  1. aislin @ scribbles by a. November 29, 2011 at 07:57 #

    i love this post!! i may not be a mommy with 4 years of experience under my belt, but since becoming a full time nanny i can agree with about 90% of your list! especially bloody caillou. ugh. and poop [and the lost luxury of peeing in private] and opinionated three year olds.
    however, i plan on raging against the mini van for forever!
    aislin @ scribbles by a. recently posted..day 239. my humble abode.My Profile

  2. ValerieCH November 29, 2011 at 17:59 #

    The list cracked me up. My sons are now 23 and 26 and this brought back a lot of good memories. :)

  3. vickie November 29, 2011 at 19:07 #

    I loved this list. Even though I have a not-quite-one-year-old boy, I still managed to relate to most everything. And I can’t wait to get psyched about seeing fire trucks in my not-too-distant-future!
    vickie recently posted..YMCAMy Profile

  4. marie November 30, 2011 at 06:37 #

    I have a 2 boys age 2 and 3. this was the best post and i want to print it out and post in on the wall! i love that you actually said all the stuff we moms do (like tv and mcds). most moms do it but LIE. and yes, the comments “i would go crazy if i was in your shoes” um. no you wouldnt. i have 2, not quadruplets. i want to say to so many ppl “well, i’d go crazy if i had to live with your husband/annoying daughter/walk around with that face”. too far? ehh. Nice guest post! do it more :)

  5. Monica DeLaCruz November 30, 2011 at 07:33 #

    omg. your list is a crackup. totally true. and, yes – you need a blog. you simply must share this wisdom with others on a regular basis.

  6. Catherine November 30, 2011 at 11:24 #

    I could completely agree with ALL of these! So funny! I could add a few more specifically about twins and their evil twins powers. LOL
    Catherine recently posted..Med-sin too!My Profile

  7. Christine December 1, 2011 at 15:59 #

    I love this! My son also calls tow trucks hookers! He’s been doing it for two years and I haven’t corrected him.

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