Head above water, barely.


I love this time of year but at the same time I hate it. I love that my 2 1/2 year old daughter is starting to understand the upcoming Christmas holiday and her face lights up when she sees pictures of her beloved Sabby (Santa) in stores or on television.

What I hate is that there have been a handful of people who I love dearly and they’ve passed away during this time of year. It feels like a punch in the stomach.

In exactly 2 weeks it will be the first anniversary when my aunt died and it was so unexpected. My emotions of losing her are still so raw and the closer the date comes, the more depressed I become.

I’m trying really hard to put on a happy face for my little girl and others but the depression and anxiety I’ve been experiencing are really kicking my ass.

I’m finally starting to feel like the meds I’m taking are in full force but right now I feel like everything is flooding in on me.

The therapist I’m seeing has been amazing but I think the whole two steps forward, one step back with this depression is also partly due to the fact that we’ve started to get into the really difficult things that have happened in my life.

Hearing myself talk about these things out loud with her makes what I’ve experienced real. Daddy issues, abuse, feelings of abandonment, postpartum ptsd, the miscarriage I had in August that I’m still grieving over; I’m having to face them full on. It used to be that I would just try to push these things deep down in my mind.

What’s helping me keep it together is the little hummingbird. She’s such an amazing little girl and helps keep me distracted.

Even after all this time, my husband still doesn’t understand and can’t relate to the depression and anxiety I’ve been experiencing. Or maybe he does but since he’s not much of a talker, he doesn’t know what to say or how to comfort me during these shitty few months.

I do think that after this month I’ll get back on track since that’s how it’s been in the past although I know this depression isn’t going to miraculously go away.


There’s been a song that’s been stuck in my head and I have no idea why but since it’s been torturing me I can’t get it out of my head and I thought I would torture you share it with you. I kinda sorta remember when this song came out but at the time I was a huge Guns N’ Roses fan so I didn’t pay much attention to it.

This song has also been stuck in my head and I remember when it was out, my younger sister used to be so spot on when it came to saying the first part of this song and it would crack up my mom and I.

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4 Responses to Head above water, barely.

  1. Catherine December 5, 2011 at 05:48 #

    **hugs** Be strong. 🙂

  2. Izzy December 5, 2011 at 14:02 #

    The Holidays are such mixed emotional times aren’t they?
    As someone who has been through A LOT (yikes) of therapy, and done the whole ‘bring all the trauma to the front, so you can confront it and move past it’ routine, I fully understand your feelings…Hang in there, the Holidays won’t last forever, and hug that beautiful blessing of a baby you have…And perhaps your husband. 😉

    • Elle December 6, 2011 at 10:00 #

      You so get it. I thought things I was going to confront weren’t as bad until I said them out loud. It’s like you have to relive these things over again…..and it sucks.

      I’m cuddling with the little hummingbird as I type this and as far as my hubby, if he’s lucky he’ll get more than a hug. ;D Thanks so much Izzy. xx
      Elle recently posted..Win a one of a kind Peeny Christmas ornament.My Profile

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