Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

This is a totall recall post which is something I repost because I’m being too much of a lazy ass  because I like that I can look back and see what I was doing then. 

I wrote this when we were making the move from D.C. to Northern California in July 2010.  I would never want to do that move again unless we flew. Driving was awful, especially since the hummingbird could only tolerate being in her carseat for 5 or 6 hours which made the move much longer.

I could swear I’ve already used this as a total recall post so if I did, pretend you’ve never read it before. ;^)


Banging my head against a spike would be more fun

July 22, 2010

The hubby will be known as buttmunch for this post.

Cue the Law and Order music.


The buttmunch and I were packing and trying to get everything together since we were going to a hotel that night. I had the little girl’s things packed and went to get my things together. I asked my buttmunch if he could go downstairs and get some toys for the little girl.


Around 8pm that night we were on the way to the hotel and the buttmunch went back to the house to pack some more. Soon after, I put the little girl to bed. I called the buttmunch a few times to remind him what to bring back to the hotel.


The next morning my buttmunch went back to the house since the movers were coming, so it was just me and my daughter. After breakfast I went over to a box that the buttmunch brought and looked through it for toys.


There weren’t any there so I looked through a few bags. Not there. I looked through her bag, my bag, the buttmunch’s bag. Nada. I was starting to panic but before I went into freak out mode, I looked through EVERYTHING again. Nope.


It was raining outside and there wasn’t anything for her to play with inside. The little girl just had a few books I had packed in her bag and normally she loves to “read” her books. She must have smelled the fear on me because when I would give her a book, she would throw it on the ground and give me a bitch, please look.

Then she started to run around the room and whine. It was her special whine. The kind that makes me feel like my head is going to explode any minute.


I then called the buttmunch. When he answered I politely and in a very calm tone, and not at all yelling *coughnotcough*, told him that we didn’t have any toys at the hotel room. He couldn’t bring the toys by (and I didn’t have the car) since he was waiting for the movers and told me that I “had the stroller, so there was that“.

May I remind you that it was raining.




I found a pack of tic tacs that she grabbed at the store the day before. She wouldn’t let them go and chewed off most of the wrapper so they were ours for keeps. Those only amused her for a few minutes.

While the little girl was racing around the room, I sat on the couch dazed from the lack of caffeine. I contemplated dragging the both of us to the hotel lobby so I could get my hands on some coffee and the little girl could run around in a bigger space.

To get to the lobby we had to go outside and walk what seemed like a mile in the pouring rain, so I decided it was best to just stay in the room.


While I was twitching around from my caffeine withdrawal and a whiny toddler, I found two plastic spoons. I thought “Yay, she loves spoons!” A few seconds after giving her one, she dropped it on the nasty hotel room carpet. The same carpet that turned her white socks black within a few hours.

So I threw it away and gave her the second spoon. Same thing. Finally, I just let her start throwing things out of our bags onto the nasty carpet. The carpet Dateline NBC says is covered in fecal matter, salmonella, and sperm. I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.

While the little girl was going through the bags, she struck gold. She found a Ziploc bag full of tampons, the ones that come in bright colors. She was entranced with my bag o’ tampons. The little girl started roaming around the room with the bag, shaking it and holding it above her head.

This kept her occupied for about 10 minutes. While she was playing with her new toy, I was looking through the bags again, not for toys but for anything resembling caffeine. No such luck.


After she got bored with the bag, I spent the next seven hours repeatedly singing the Elmo Duck Song, Elmo’s Song, and letting her play with my cell phone (which surprisingly still works). I also got quite a workout staying in a room that wasn’t child-proofed. Finally after one of the longest. days. ever, the buttmunch came back to the room.


Hmmm, what’s that sound? Is it me saying no sex for a week? Well, that’s nothing new.

*We’re still not in California. It has taken us forever to drive across the country and as of this morning we are in New Mexico, about an hour from Arizona. I finally got my hands on a new laptop (thanks to my sweet hubby, the buttmunch).

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7 Responses to Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

  1. Angie March 30, 2012 at 05:41 #

    My daughter loves to play with tampons as well. I don’t get it, but it entertains her. Oh, the Elmo Duck song. Some nights it runs through my head as I try to sleep. It makes me hate ducks. 🙂
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    • Elle March 30, 2012 at 07:49 #

      “It makes me hate ducks.” OMG, that’s priceless! 😀

  2. Jen March 30, 2012 at 05:55 #

    “I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.” Funniest thing I have ever read in my life!! 🙂

    • Elle March 30, 2012 at 07:47 #

      Haha! Thanks, Jen! 🙂

  3. JR Reed March 31, 2012 at 09:49 #

    First off, *fist bump* for the use of “butt munch”. I find it to be a very under-utilized phrase. Second, last summer my then-13-year-old daughter and I moved from Buffalo, NY back to So. Cal. and we drove. Somewhere around Kentucky she woke up from her nap, read a book for a bit, took off her headphones and asked, “Who’s having more fun on this trip? You or me?” I glanced at her, thought about pushing her out and replied, “What do you think?”

    • Elle April 1, 2012 at 17:07 #

      Hahaha! You crack me up! On the long drive from the east to west coast, I was hoping my hubby would push me out of the car so I could be put out of my misery. 😉

  4. Melissa April 1, 2012 at 18:15 #

    I couldn’t stop giggling every time I read the word “buttmunch”. Awesome.

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