Unfinished

The grey sky and the ocean, so calm, yet I knew a storm was coming.

There were streaks of clouds on the right side of the sky and the sun was shining to the left.

I wished I could go with the latter but didn’t feel I was worth the rays of the sun.

Depression has consumed me for too long and it’s getting harder to reach the top for air.

It’s a battle each day and sometimes I lose.

I fall into the hole.

My heart is racing. My head is spinning. It’s hard to breathe.

I live life like everything is fine to the outside world and it’s not.

People don’t see me struggle to get out of bed some mornings, desperate to crawl under the covers so I don’t have to face the day.

My marriage? Currently strained because of many things. Will we get through it? We do every time. But it’s lonely.

My daughter? She’s my lifesaver.

I want things to go back to normal but I’ve realized with depression, this is my new normal. I don’t want any part of it but it’s not something I can shake off.

So, I’m trying.

I’m trying to handle my depression and anxiety the best way I can. A lot of times I don’t feel it’s good enough. But it’s going to have to be for now.

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12 Responses to Unfinished

  1. Katrina June 21, 2012 at 22:38 #

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. Your writing is powerful and you will heal. the piece above talks about weather – clouds always pass, the wind roots out the old dead trees and lets the light in for new growth.

  2. Ericka C June 22, 2012 at 06:33 #

    I can relate to this in so many ways. I had to repost on Twitter. I love your blog.

    Ericka C
    @ecophobicericka via Twitter

  3. Donna June 22, 2012 at 11:32 #

    I know it doesn’t really help – but perhaps it is comforting to know – you are not alone.
    Donna recently posted..This Boot Was Made For Sitting Around and ComplainingMy Profile

  4. Colleen June 22, 2012 at 12:21 #

    I struggled with two very long bouts of depression over the course of my life, each which lasted for YEARS. Much later, when seeing my current therapist she asked, “Why didn’t you go SEE somebody?” meaning a mental health professional. I couldn’t answer why not. It just hadn’t occurred to me in that way that I didn’t think what I was going through was *worthy* of needing a mental health professional. IT WAS. I hope you have a therapist or someone else you can go to to discuss what you’re dealing with. {hugs}
    Colleen recently posted..The many sides of crazyMy Profile

  5. LeeAnne June 22, 2012 at 17:06 #

    I can PROMISE you it will get better with time. The help of a good therapist is key! If you aren’t getting what you need from this one, find another until you are comfortable walking in and letting loose. I went through 5 before I found THE one. My son went to 3 before he found THE one. His wife went to 3 and his son has been to one. One thing I have learned through all of this is – Each morning, in Africa, a lion wakes up and knows that he has to run faster than the slowest gazelle if he wants to eat. The gazelle wakes up and knows that he has to outrun the fasted lion if he wants to live. Each day YOU decide if you are the gazelle or the lion! Either way you win! That helped me a lot. Especially when I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there for at least a week. Know we are keeping you in our prayers and hugs to you all.

  6. Monica DeLaCruz June 22, 2012 at 20:25 #

    aw! elle. so sorry you are going through this. you WILL get through. fight the good fight. huge hugs!

  7. Suzi June 23, 2012 at 09:41 #

    Sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. ::hugs::
    Suzi recently posted..Baby PoopsMy Profile

  8. Elle June 24, 2012 at 22:33 #

    Thank you all for your support. xx

  9. weezafish June 25, 2012 at 05:29 #

    Elle, bless you. Sending e-hugs (which are better than they sound) over the oceans to you. It WILL get better, always does.
    weezafish recently posted..ADD/ADHD and Ritalin: Time to Admit MistakesMy Profile

  10. Trisha July 24, 2012 at 14:17 #

    Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your words. How many of us have suffered as well but been too ashamed and afraid to share. You have helped others by what you have shared and hopefully the love you’re getting back will help you.

    Sending hugs your way. You will get through this – it won’t be easy but you will.

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