Dudes. Hold my hand. You are NOT going to believe this.
Parents are having other parents SIGN LIABILITY WAIVERS WHEN THEY COME OVER FOR PLAY DATES. No they didn’t! OH YES, THEY DID. As in,”You can put your coat and shoes there, and here is a pen for you to sign the waiver. It’s just standard procedure here at the Smith household.” I found out about these a few months ago. Here’s a story over at Today Moms about it from back in March, just to prove to you that I am on the level about this one.
Oh my gosh you guys, at first I thought — unreal. It’s too much!! Are we really THAT paranoid and crazy that we feel we have to be released of legal responsibility for someone’s child when they come over to play with Legos?
But THEN I thought — hold the phone. This could be incredibly awesome.
So I have written up a Liability Waiver. I am totally going to have everyone who comes over to the house sign these from now on. I might even bring them to the park.
WAIVER OF LIABILITY, ASSUMPTION of RISK and INDEMNITY AGREEMENT for PARTICIPATING CHILD/CHILDREN in FUCKING AWESOME PLAY DATE.
My minor child has my permission to participate in a play date at your home. In consideration of my child’s participation in the play date, I, on behalf of my child and myself, hereby agree to the following:
- I am aware that participation in any play date activity can potentially be dangerous, particularly at your house, where your sense of humor is questionable and your husband is generous with his wood-working tools. I fully recognize and understand that there are risks and hazards associated with participation in this play date. These risks start at cuts, scrapes, and bruises. That’s just level one. If the play date gets even more awesome, it may lead to broken bones, muscle strains, pulls or tears, or other bodily injuries. Anything more awesome then that is against the law and will not be done during this play date. Pinkie swear.
- I hereby attest that my child has no physical, health related or other problems which would preclude or restrict their participation in this fucking awesome play date. Their sense of balance is excellent, and their instinct for self-preservation is fully developed.
- I agree that my child must abide by all rules and regulations of your household for participation in this play date. If they get mouthy or belligerent, I give your family permission to give them “the look” and/or the “side eye” as necessary.
- Should my child require emergency medical treatment or first aid as a result of illness or injury associated with what will surely be the raddest play date ever, I consent to such first aid and/or treatment, and to pay for any and all associated costs. In exchange I get all rights to photos of the injury and the story of how it happened, which I may feel free to embellish as much as I wish on Facebook and other mediums.
- I hereby acknowledge that there are differences in what different homes consider an “acceptable level of cleanliness and good manners.” I therefore waive my right to bitch about the fact that at your household my children might not be expected to wash their hands, will be free to wear their shoes wherever they’d like, will almost definitely be given processed snacks, and may come home with a new appreciation for the art of the fart.
- Should my child need to go potty while at your home, and they ask for help, I acknowledge that this would be an uncomfortable situation for the play date host. I also understand that the play date hosts do not feel comfortable touching any butt holes except for their children’s and their own. As such, I accept that my child may be shouted directions and encouragement through a closed door, and I promise to withhold judgment regarding the state of my child’s anus when they return home.
- My child may return home from this play date with new, distasteful habits, or using shockingly vulgar words, and tell me that they picked these up at your home. By signing this form, I am acknowledging that my child — while lovely — can be a filthy liar and is not to be trusted. And besides, we both know that that kid Stevie in their class is the one who is truly responsible. Fuck Stevie.
- To the fullest extent permitted by law, I hereby release and forever discharge, and agree not to sue the magnificently kick ass play date’s hosts. I also release them from responsibility for any loss, damage, illness or injury to person, property, or animal in any way arising out of or relating to my child’s participation in the play date, whether due to the negligence, mistake or other action or inaction of the hosts. In other words, if you fuck up, it is totally cool. You will stay on my Christmas card list.