Fuck Depression

As you may know, I’ve been dealing with depression for a few years now. This isn’t my first time at the rodeo. I’ve had two previous episodes of it in the past 10 years.

Depression. It’s an evil fucking bastard. But I finally feel like I’m crawling out of my hole and can see the light.

The thing is, I have a pretty great life so some would think I have nothing to be depressed about. I’ve been told to exercise more and eat better and while that helps, it doesn’t solve depression.

I’ve even been told to snap out of it. Ummm, no. From my experience over the years, you can’t just snap out of it. Nobody can help you except yourself.

With depression, it feels like I’ve fallen into a hole and I’m trying my hardest to climb out of it but the more I struggle and try to get out, the further I fall into that hole.

It’s also led to tremendous guilt which just makes it worse. My daughter hasn’t gotten 100% of her mom. My husband hasn’t been able to have 100% of his wife and then I just fell deeper.

My love for writing, reading, and music completely dropped off the face of the earth. I barely had my head above water.

I was starting to feel like this is how I would be for the rest of my life. I finally started medication but there isn’t a magic pill for depression. Going to therapy has helped some but again, this is my battle to fight.

My depression has been especially difficult because this is the time of year I usually get into a funk. This time of year is when I’ve lost a handful of people over the years that I love and care for deeply.

When the anniversary of their death approaches, I feel like I’m experiencing the loss of them all over again.

Over the last few months, I’ve started to see glimmers of myself from time to time and it’s felt really good.

I’m tired of the self-loathing. I’m tired of the crying fits I have. I’m tired of not giving my all.

A few weeks ago, it felt like a switch turned on in my head. I really opened my eyes and looked at my life. I can’t make my depression disappear but what I have done is slowly get back into the things I love.

My daughter is finally getting her mom back and that fills my heart with so much love.

My husband and I are even at a point where we don’t want to strangle each other anymore. What am I saying. We’ve been married for 17 years so of course we want to strangle each other on a daily basis.

But we are opening the lines of communication up more and more. We’re still stuck in a rough patch but it’s getting much better between us.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% again after this bout with depression. It really has taken such a toll. One thing I am going to do is move forward instead of being swallowed up in the regrets I have because of it.

Have you ever experienced depression? How did you overcome it?

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8 Responses to Fuck Depression

  1. Ericka C. November 6, 2012 at 02:08 #

    I’m drowning in a sea of depression. It has changed me completely. I feel I will never get the real me back. Depression has caused me to isolate, stop doing all the things I love and has left me an empty shell of a human.

  2. WeezaFish November 6, 2012 at 02:18 #

    Oh Elle, so sorry this last bout took such a toll but yay lady you’re out the other side. I hear of so many who suffer like you, I wish I knew how to share whatever it is I have that stops me falling down those bastard holes of yours! Fuck depression indeed, may it fall down its own hole and never get out.

  3. Breathe Chick November 6, 2012 at 03:34 #

    My bouts with depression have typically been fairly brief and not life-shattering, but my anxiety? Not so much. It was paralyzing: barely able to leave the house, couldn’t bear my friends, and struggled to keep my head above water. Then, like you said, the switch flipped one day. Oh, I’m still an anxious person, but I’ve found some trickery to help keep it at bay (thanks to two wonderful and polar-opposite therapists). I will never be who I was. My husband has commented more than once that the woman he married has been lost forever. It took a while to mourn that loss, but I think I’m better than I was. I had a lot of empty spaces left, so this time I chose who/what to fill those with. That’s a pretty damn liberating approach for me. I know there will be days when I fight with every fiber of my soul not to fall off the ledge, but thankfully those days are fewer and farther apart, and I know it’s not forever. Hang in there…. 🙂
    Breathe Chick recently posted..What You Leave Behind…Patterns of Letters, Words, and DeedsMy Profile

  4. Allison November 6, 2012 at 07:00 #

    Yes, depression has been my unwavering, unwelcome passenger for a decade or more. There are times it goes and rides in the trunk, and I get a little bit of normalcy, but it never, ever seems to just get OUT of the car!
    These days I am struggling to not let it ‘take the wheel’. This time of year is the hardest. The sun goes away, and takes my much needed serotonin with it….. Over the years I have been on MANY medications, most of which just made things worse, until I finally found one that made things better! I take 15mg of Remeron (which is the lowest dose you can get) it is an anti-anxiety anti-depressant and for me it is just enough to take the edge off. What I really wanted to share with you, (prepare to enter the hippy, dippy, trippy zone)….I have been getting acupuncture for depression and anxiety. It is very effective. I think that if I wasn’t receiving it right now I would be in a much darker place…..like my closet……until spring.
    Maybe this could help you too? Reiki, is another treatment that has worked amazingly and pulled me out of dark places. And I was a HUGE skeptic. Reiki is especially good if getting a bunch of tiny needles poked into your body freaks you out…..
    I’m rambling now……sorry! I just know that aching, dark, desperate pain that depression causes. It is so great, and so heavy, no one should have to bear its weight alone.
    Allison recently posted..changes….My Profile

  5. Michelle November 6, 2012 at 07:21 #

    “The thing is, I have a pretty great life so some would think I have nothing to be depressed about”

    And that’s why it’s called “depression,” and not just “feeling sad about something.”

    Depression has been my constant companion since my teens, but I didn’t really figure that out until I was in my 30s. S/he/it comes and goes to some extent, but even when s/he/it is gone, I know depression can be right around the corner…

    Meds help. Therapy helps. Enough sleep/exercise/good food helps (and I’m a mom… so that happens when exactly?) For me, realizing that’s it’s coming and working hard to put my “care plan” in place before things get really dark helps… but depression’s good friend denial makes that hard.

  6. monica November 6, 2012 at 08:04 #

    aw, sweet elle. i have not suffered depression, but many, many friends and family members have. so, my heart is OUT to you, friend. you CAN overcome this. i’m happy to read that it sounds like you are on your WAY OUT. huge hugs to you. i don’t know what else to say that would help. how ’bout: there are so many people reading your blog and we love it! xoxo.
    monica recently posted..It’s the White Vote!My Profile

  7. Ashley November 6, 2012 at 08:34 #

    I have never really dealt with depression, except for a few months after giving birth. However, thank you for sharing your story and best wishes to you. Sounds like you are on the road to living a better life!
    Ashley recently posted..Ten thingsMy Profile

  8. Kira November 11, 2012 at 13:39 #

    I have suffered from depression periodically in my life, and since I moved up north a few years ago, it’s been terrible this time of year. I always promise myself I will take action to fix it, but inevitably I’m in a slump by December. This year is going much better for me! I have started taking liquid vitamin D3, and it’s helped me keep my mood level. I got dragged to an aerobics/yoga class by my neighbor, and then signed up. I think keeping a semblance of a routine, and having a reason to get out of the house and be active is a key factor in staying positive. Otherwise, I’d be in my pajamas for days on end, wasting my life staring at my computer screen for no good reason while my house falls to shambles and I am too forlorn to feed myself.
    I’m already feeling the benefits of these changes, and I am staying productive and POSITIVE even as the days get shorter. The fact that I haven’t begun to succumb to the persistent whispers of crushing doubt and inaction tells me that it’s working. 🙂 I have also been posting publicly about my struggle and my efforts to fix it, so that if I start to fall, I’ll have a support base ready to prop me up again.

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