Depression. It’s an evil fucking bastard. But I finally feel like I’m crawling out of my hole and can see the light.
The thing is, I have a pretty great life so some would think I have nothing to be depressed about. I’ve been told to exercise more and eat better and while that helps, it doesn’t solve depression.
I’ve even been told to snap out of it. Ummm, no. From my experience over the years, you can’t just snap out of it. Nobody can help you except yourself.
With depression, it feels like I’ve fallen into a hole and I’m trying my hardest to climb out of it but the more I struggle and try to get out, the further I fall into that hole.
It’s also led to tremendous guilt which just makes it worse. My daughter hasn’t gotten 100% of her mom. My husband hasn’t been able to have 100% of his wife and then I just fell deeper.
My love for writing, reading, and music completely dropped off the face of the earth. I barely had my head above water.
I was starting to feel like this is how I would be for the rest of my life. I finally started medication but there isn’t a magic pill for depression. Going to therapy has helped some but again, this is my battle to fight.
My depression has been especially difficult because this is the time of year I usually get into a funk. This time of year is when I’ve lost a handful of people over the years that I love and care for deeply.
When the anniversary of their death approaches, I feel like I’m experiencing the loss of them all over again.
Over the last few months, I’ve started to see glimmers of myself from time to time and it’s felt really good.
I’m tired of the self-loathing. I’m tired of the crying fits I have. I’m tired of not giving my all.
A few weeks ago, it felt like a switch turned on in my head. I really opened my eyes and looked at my life. I can’t make my depression disappear but what I have done is slowly get back into the things I love.
My daughter is finally getting her mom back and that fills my heart with so much love.
My husband and I are even at a point where we don’t want to strangle each other anymore. What am I saying. We’ve been married for 17 years so of course we want to strangle each other on a daily basis.
But we are opening the lines of communication up more and more. We’re still stuck in a rough patch but it’s getting much better between us.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% again after this bout with depression. It really has taken such a toll. One thing I am going to do is move forward instead of being swallowed up in the regrets I have because of it.
Have you ever experienced depression? How did you overcome it?