The other day I was wondering what you were doing but then I remembered you were gone. I can’t believe it’s been seven years, eight years, nine years, ten years eleven years, twelve years,thirteen years since you left us so early. Even though we didn’t always get along, I loved you like a sister.

It’s not surprising, we had known each other since preschool. Our moms were great friends. We would spend Christmas Eve at your house and get a personal appearance from Santa Claus.

I even remember being at your house when they debuted Michael Jackson’s video, Thriller. Your mom was peeking through her fingers the entire time. As you got older, you grew your hair long. It was the most beautiful brown hair I have seen.

You were at my wedding but I was so overwhelmed with people that I never got a chance to say hello. I’ve seen my wedding video and watched as you stood aside while I greeted people. There is so much guilt I feel because of that.

You moved out of the small town where we lived. I had moved away several years before. You got married but by then we had lost touch. I would always ask my mom how you were.

I’ll never know what led you to take your own life on that day in November. Your mom has never recovered. Nobody will be the same. The shock of it was with me for months and then disbelief set it. It has been with me since.

I was never angry at you but I wish you would have talked to someone, anyone. I still can’t accept that you are no longer here, even after thirteen years. I will still catch myself, wondering what your doing.


*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8288

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3 Responses to Silence

  1. Michelle November 30, 2012 at 18:46 #

    Elle, I’m so sorry to hear you lost someone to suicide. I cannot imagine all of the things you felt and are still feeling. Sending you and her family love and prayers.

  2. Emily Fowler November 30, 2012 at 22:43 #

    Although it has been over 25 years since my mother attempted suicide (she did not succeed and she is glad of it, now), I still sometimes feel like I’m back there, wondering “What if I hadn’t gone in to say goodnight?” (I was in Jr. High, so some nights I was “too old” for goodnight kisses), or what if my sister had panicked (as I did) and hadn’t called 911? Sometimes I think our brains need a switch to turn off the “What ifs?”

    Thank you for the post and I hope that your heart will remind you of all of the good moments, not just the “What if” of one moment of distraction on a whirlwind day that happened to be caught on tape. Wishing you happier memories.

  3. monica December 1, 2012 at 05:49 #

    suicide. so tragic. so sorry for your loss. i lost my sister to suicide when i was in the fifth grade. 🙁 it touches so, so many lives.
    monica recently posted..Lessons for a future Monster-in-LawMy Profile

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