This Is Why You Shouldn’t Try To Pick Your Brain.

miyagi-fly1There are several special moments in a parent’s life when you think “What the fuck, kid??” Monday morning was one of those special moments. We’ve all been sick and I had spent most of the night not sleeping while the hummingbird slept soundly in my bed, kicking the crap out of me.

I finally fell asleep only to later be woken up to her standing on my head while she grabbed my phone and started watching Curious George.  She soon hopped out of bed and walked downstairs to where my husband had been sleeping on the couch since there wasn’t anymore room in our bed.

I think it was the stuffed octopus in the bed poking me in the back that woke me up but I also heard screaming from the hummingbird. When I ran to her room, I saw her laying down and freaking the hell out while my hubby was trying to get a wad of tissue that the hummingbird somehow stuck WAY, WAY up her nose.

There was a lot of tissue up such a tiny nose and while my daughter had tears running down her face and was crying hysterically, I tried so hard to hold it together and not laugh at how insane the moment I was in was.

My heart went out to my little girl but I couldn’t help but wonder thank you, Carrie Bradshaw, “Did someone spike my coffee with acid? Is this really happening??”

Ahhh, gotta love parenting.

I’m rarely the calm parent who takes everything in stride but it was probably the cold medicine that chilled me out because while I could sense my hubby was becoming a little frazzled, I remained pretty damn calm, thankyouverymuch.

I looked up the hummingbird’s nose while she screamed some more, trying to calm her but failing to get her to settle down. The wad of tissue was so far up her nose.

We tried to get her to blow her nose but she still hasn’t mastered that yet.

Then she got even more upset and I stood there for a few seconds thinking “oh my fucking god” and “I see a trip to the walk in clinic in the very near future.”

But I didn’t want to be that parent who walks into a medical clinic all frantic because my 3 year-old made her own homemade giant bugger and we couldn’t get it out.

Before I had gone to see what was wrong in the first place, my husband had tried to blast it out with saline spray which just made it get lodged up in there further.

I reluctantly went to get my tweezers but by that point, the hummingbird’s screaming was so bad and my heart hurt. This was getting serious, yo.

I wanted to run back into her bedroom with the tweezers, hand them over to my husband, and say TAG, YOU’RE IT, then run out of the room but I pulled this parenting shit together.

I had no idea how I was going to get the tweezers anywhere near the hummingbird’s nose but then my inner Mr. Miyagi came out and I was one with the nose.

I’ve found in the little hummingbird’s nearly 4 years that when it comes to parenting, most of this shit you just have to make up as you go along.

You never really know what you’re doing when it comes to parenting and are pretty much on your own and fucked so you have to sink or swim.

So, with my Miyagi powers strong and in the “zone”, I calmly (omg, y’all, I need to give myself a pat on the back for dealing with it as calmly as I did because I’m NEVER that calm…ever) handed the tweezers to the still screaming and crying hummingbird who wasn’t having any of it.

I told her that if she holds them, she could stick the tweezers up mommy’s nose and she was on board with that. And I stood there while she poked and proded my nose with the tweezers.

OUCH!

I still didn’t know where I was going with this tweezer thing, only that I wanted to get them in my hand so I can pull out the huge wad of tissue in my daughter’s nose, but I didn’t want to freak her out anymore than she already was.

How do I let her let me get that sucker out?

That’s when she answered my question and started to settle down more. She put the tweezers up to her nose a few times and then the next thing I know, she pulled the waded tissue out of her nose herself.

I jumped up and down and clapped like a winning motherfucker on a game show.

Yes! She got that damn thing out of her nose all by herself. Boom, just like that. And it was big.

Because of the celebrating with a big bowl of ice cream for her right after, I forgot to take a picture of that sucker. I know, total blogging FAIL.

I did learn something though. I’ve heard so many stories of things going up a kid’s nose and thought I was in the clear now that my daughter is getting older.

Nope.

If your kid hasn’t had a traumatic “OMG, there’s something up my nose!!!” incident yet, just wait. It’s one of the many rights of passage for parents.

Like when your kid poops in the tub. Except I’m still waiting for that one to happen.

And when it does, you will be the first ones I tell.

Any traumatic nose or poop in the tub war stories?

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12 Responses to This Is Why You Shouldn’t Try To Pick Your Brain.

  1. Anna January 29, 2013 at 11:02 #

    We are still recovering from a family-wide disgusting cold that just won’t go away… oh, I so hear you! We got woken up quite a few times because our 4-year-old daughter was feeling bad, stuffed up, headachey…. and we felt just as bad and not really knowing what to do. But, as you say, you definitely have to make it up as you go along, that’s exactly what I have been doing since the beginning of this parenting adventure!
    Anna recently posted..Celebrate Valentine’s By Giving Cardstore.com Personalized CardsMy Profile

  2. Judi January 29, 2013 at 11:29 #

    With my son, it was those little tiny balls fired from soft air guns. And he got it stuck in his ear.

  3. RyanAnn January 29, 2013 at 13:57 #

    “I jumped up and down and clapped like a winning motherfucker on a game show. ” Omfg best thing I’ve read in a while! Lmao

    • Elle January 29, 2013 at 14:34 #

      After I wrote it, I almost deleted it but kept it in and hoped at least one person would appreciate it. Thanks! :D

  4. thedavidcmurphy January 29, 2013 at 16:59 #

    When my brother was younger, he apparently got a button stuck up his nose (I can’t personally verify: I was either a fetus or a sperm, but I’ve got reliable sources). Fortunately for my Mother, my Nana was there when it happened. Right when my Mom was about to dial 911 before she lost her voice through shrieking from terror, Nana stepped in, and using vaseline, massage and maybe the force, got that damn loogie covered button out of his nostril.

    Of course, we’ve come a long way since then: now when buttons come off, it’s a whole new wardrobe. “Tell me more about this ‘Sewing’ you used to do, Nana?”
    thedavidcmurphy recently posted..Life of PieMy Profile

  5. Wendy Zamora January 29, 2013 at 20:58 #

    I am petrified of the day when (notice I say when, no if) my son gets something lodged up his nose. This is one of those huge irrational parenting fears I have, along with the day when my child projectile vomits (spit up doesn’t count). I just can’t see myself holding it together the way you did. Kudos!

  6. Jessica January 29, 2013 at 21:01 #

    Don’t even get me started on “code browns” as we call them in our house (poop in the tub for the rest of you). *sigh*

  7. Jen January 30, 2013 at 11:07 #

    Well, we never celebrated this type of event in the traditional sense. But as a toddler, the Divine Miss M wanted no part of going poo. Ever. Not in the diaper, not in the potty, never, ever, ever. Needless to say, actively retaining it makes the task increasingly difficult and we were on that vicious circle seemingly fooooreeeeveeeeerrrr. So, “I jumped up and down and clapped like a winning motherfucker on a game show” – pretty sure I emulated that every time she went poo for many months. The joys of motherhood. ; )
    Jen recently posted..Daily Decisions of Coming OutMy Profile

  8. Kate January 30, 2013 at 18:14 #

    When I was little, I shoved one of those beads that you can iron together up my nose… Required a trip to the hospital to get out (yes, it was THAT FAR up there)!

  9. Andi February 1, 2013 at 02:53 #

    My daughter managed to get 5 pieces of corn up her nose…she laughed while I panicked.

  10. jennifer February 5, 2013 at 08:16 #

    my son shoved a tic tac up his nose. After messing with it for what seemed like forever I decided to take him to the fire station around the corner to see if they had any ideas. While getting him out of the car he sneezed and it came flying out and nailed me in the eye!!

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