I Hope You Dance

dancing-on-fathers-feet1

I had two “father figures” when I was a kid; my biological father that I didn’t meet until I was 9 years old and my former stepfather who my mom married when I was about 7. To put it bluntly, I would have been better off without the 2 I had.

It can be so hard, even at this age, to not be able to have a dad to reach out to.

My biggest dream as a child… besides a pony…. was just one dance with either father. Just once I wanted to be able to stand on my father’s feet and have that one little dance.

I don’t believe that a good childhood has to consist of a mother and a father. But I had a mom and two fathers and absolutely no kind of relationship with either one.

My bio dad, aka sperm donor, was too busy with his now former career as a musician, chasing women, and getting coked up. For 5 years I lived with that man and just wanted the love of my father. I was in my teens and desperately needed a father figure.

But I had to grow up fast and be the adult in that situation.

I haven’t seen my biological father since I was 17 but have been trying to meet with him just once more. He’s in Los Angeles but I just can’t ever seem to get myself down there. I’m still too afraid. Afraid of having to open up old wounds with him.

My former stepfather was just an asshole, plain and simple. I know he will even agree with this. Our relationship wasn’t that bad at first when my mom married him.

Then a few years later, my younger sister came into the world and around the same time, the bio dad finally came into the picture.

After that, the emotional abuse I put up with from my stepfather was fucking unreal. He’s the type to put others down just to up his ego.

The relationship I now have with both of them is civil but what really hurts is that my daughter is missing out on TWO grandfathers.

The surprising thing for me is that my bio dad has been much more thoughtful when sending my 3 year-old little gifts here and there and calling so he knows what’s going on, not only with her, but with me as well.

Too bad he didn’t care more when I really needed him.

My former stepfather, who I actually consider to be my “real” father (my mom was with him for 20 years so he’s been there for most of my life), has been the one that’s disappointed me.

He could seem to care less about my daughter but he showers his other 2 grandchildren with love and affection.

That right there fucking kills me. It’s so hurtful… beyond words.

Even at my age now, I still hope I get that one dance I wanted for so long. But it’s safe to say I won’t be standing on their feet.

We don’t want any crushed toes and I want to make it through the whole dance.

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4 Responses to I Hope You Dance

  1. thedavidcmurphy February 11, 2013 at 22:22 #

    That’s so sad. I’m having a daughter in a few weeks, and the thought of not being there for her would kill me.

    As for your stepdad. His treatment of his bio grandkids in favor of your daughter is horrible. That must hurt so bad.
    thedavidcmurphy recently posted..Beards n BelliesMy Profile

  2. LeeAnne Curtis February 12, 2013 at 04:53 #

    Elle – I am so sorry that you never had that dance. But that does not define who you are – a very loving Mother, great wife, excellent writer and someone who goes the distance when needed. The “Little Hummingbird” will fine…and I speak from experience here….I had both sets of Grandparents when I was born – My Mom’s Dad passed on my first birthday, and my Dad’s Dad was creepy (he had roaming hands and rushing impulses – so I learned to stay away from him). Do I feel like I was let down on the Grandparents side – not really. My Mom and my Dad were enough for me. Just be there for your daughter, she will make her own opinions soon enough as far as Granddads are concerned. You can’t out run the resilence of a child!!!
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..St. Patrick's day top and ruffled diaper cover by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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