Getting my yearly pap and waiting for my doctor in the exam room for 25 minutes in a thin paper gown while I’m sweating like mad and sticking to everything.

This woman remembered to wear socks... bitch.

This woman remembered to wear socks and is in a cloth gown… bitch.

I had my yearly woman’s wellness visit last week. Aka, awkwardly laying down while your legs are up in the air and your feet are in metal stirrups. Yay!

The hummingbird crawled into bed with me the night before which meant zero sleep for me. I mean zero, zero. I was beyond exhausted that morning and dragged my ass into the car to take her to preschool for the day.

We left later than usual, around 9 am-ish, but I thought since my appointment wasn’t until the early afternoon, I could get some sleep that I really lacked.

Naps aren’t my thing because once I’m asleep, there’s no way I can take a 30 minute nap. I end up sleeping hard, but for some reason my dumb ass always thinks “this time will be different”. Hahaha!

Besides the whole “doctor sticking her hand in my vagina” part, it was a good day because I wasn’t working and had the day off… from pretty much everything. Except my never-ending laundry. And dishes. And more laundry. And picking up around the house. But you get my meaning.

Before my pap, I was going to get a mani/pedi (my fingers and toes are screaming for one), grab some takeout from Chiptole, and make sure I shaved my legs. A day of bliss.

When I got back home, I set my alarm for 10:30 am. Easy peasy.

I set my actual alarm clock because if I use my iPhone, I’ll just think it’s someone calling and ignore it. What? Just saying the truth!

10:30 am: Beep… beep! I hit the snooze button. What’s 10 minutes? I can still get everything done in the amount of time I have.

10:40 am: Beep… beep! Hitting the snooze button again. My pillow is awesome and I’m not getting out of bed. I can still get everything done if I don’t screw around and I go straight to the nail salon.

10:50 am BEEP! Too cozy to get up. I’ll just sleep for another 20 minutes and skip the manicure.

11:10 am: Beep!!!! Umm… I don’t really need to shave my legs, right? Zzzzzzzz.

11:30 am: Oh shit! What have I done?? Priorities, girl! I don’t need Chipotle for lunch after all. But my toe nails… ewwww! I have to get those done. Getting up now!

11:31 am: Ooooh, I love my pillow!! Zzzzzz.

11:50 am: How in the fuck did I hit the snooze button for this long??!!! I need to get my ass uuu…. ppp….  zzzzzzz.

12:30 pm: Oh, it’s 12:30. WHAT?! It’s 12:30!!! I’ll be lucky if I can put on deodorant and clean my lady parts with some baby wipes. I’m definitely not going to wear my Uggs (Yes, they’re ugly as hell but I love mine! So cozy!! Also, you don’t need to wear socks with them.) I have to wear my socks and tennis shoes.

Sidenote: Because of my need for a pedicure, only both of my big toes still have a little nail polish on them. The others? Zip. I know, ick. I’m too lazy to take off what little paint I have on my big toes.

12:35 pm: Brush my teeth, put on my watch, run downstairs, and put on my Uggs. D’oh!

1:00 pm: Get taken back to the exam room, strip down, put on the tissue thin gown, and sit on the edge of the exam table.

1:15 pm: Start to quietly sing my own made up song… ” Where the hell is my doctor? Why isn’t she here? My cootchie is sweating, and I need a beer.”

1:20 pm Still waiting and sweating big time. Start thinking that my thin tissue paper gown will actually be the size of a tissue by the time my doctor walks in.

1:22 pm: Seriously???!!

1:24 pm: Look down at my toes and find that they look even worse in a floresent lit room. Wish I wore socks. I’m really hoping my doctor doesn’t notice my toe nails.

1:25: She FINALLY walks in. We have polite chit-chat, she asks about my daughter, then more polite but kind of awkward “soon this woman will have her hand in my vagina” chit-chat.

She tells me to scootch to the end of the table and put my feet in the stirrups. My dignity plummets. While I’ve never had a problem opening my legs before, especially in high school… sorry mom, my legs are locked together.

She opens my legs… my dignity extinguished, adjusts my left foot into the stirrup, looks at me, and says “I love the nail polish on your toes!”

D’oh!

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2 Responses to Getting my yearly pap and waiting for my doctor in the exam room for 25 minutes in a thin paper gown while I’m sweating like mad and sticking to everything.

  1. monica March 28, 2013 at 10:28 #

    i laughed out loud at the “gown will be down to a tissue.” ah, friend! the bright side: DONE for another year!!!
    monica recently posted..Waiting for Superman? Nah. I’m just waiting to find a $20 in my pocket.My Profile

  2. Naomi April 24, 2014 at 08:04 #

    My doctor told me they’re down to every other year! But I still had to do the rest of the exam, just not the culture. Doh!

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