That bitch…. aka… my mother-in-law.

bitch-mil1When I was younger, I saw how my mother-in-law treated my mom and couldn’t believe my stepdad NEVER stood up for her.

I didn’t feel like it should have been my mom to say anything because that just seemed like it would add more fuel to her MIL’s fire.

My grandmother, Josephine, was very hard on my stepdad, and I didn’t approve of it either, despite the conflicts my stepdad and I had.

The difference?

My mom would defend my father, whether he was there or not.

When I married into my husband’s family, my mother’s words stand out in my head,  “Watch out for that woman (MIL), I can tell she’s controlling”.

Mother knows best!

I already learned that when planning my wedding from hell with the MIL.

When I saw my MIL together with her mother-in-law, I thought AHA, now I get it.

The relationship was toxic.

What leaves me scratching my head is that there is absolutely no reason for my MIL to turn around and treat me the same way. She should know. I’ve seen how her MIL hurt her.

I used to think “Maybe that’s all she knows” after years of dealing with her MIL but fuck that.

My mother-in-law is a grown ass woman and should know right from wrong.

I’m not letting this woman fuck up my daughter’s 4th Birthday Party for me.

Sure, she probably will which I fucking hate because it’s my baby girl’s birthday.

Sure, she’ll give ALL the credit to my hubby for the “fabulous” party.

But fuck her.

I want to say my peace when the mother-in-law pulls her shit, trust… she will, and I want to let her know that I wish she wasn’t so critical with me.

I just don’t know how to say it without ruffling feathers. Or do I need to ruffle those mofo feathers to get my point across?

The suggestion box is now open!

*These are some “party favors” that I’m keeping in my purse for mother-in-law emergencies.


**Pearl Jam – Porch

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16 Responses to That bitch…. aka… my mother-in-law.

  1. Becky April 11, 2013 at 12:05 #

    I don’t get it.

    Why see her? Why invite her?

    Because your daughter loves her? Well, your daughter probably also loves to run around naked but you don’t let her do that. What kind of example are you showing your daughter – that it is ok to treat mommy badly?

    Stop. Just stop. Don’t see her.

    Family doesn’t get a free pass.

    (And yes I walk the walk – we no longer see my mil or my father at functions nor do we invite them because they would disrespect the spouse.)

  2. Erin Ahrens April 11, 2013 at 12:08 #

    It must be so challenging to be so much more considerate of other’s feelings and to withhold this with her. I, on the other hand, have no problem telling someone that their behavior, words, etc., are inappropriate. I think she would do a 180 the moment she realizes that you will not tolerate that behavior. It’s sorta’ like a child. They don’t want discipline, but they really do. I would scare the crap out of her and the next time she says something hurtful, just look at her and say, “That does not make me feel good. If you feel it is important to say hurtful things, you will need to leave.” Can I assume she is also the center of attention? Generally, the controlling/rule maker is also so desperate for approval, that if you show her that you don’t approve of her ways, she might take a step back. You, my friend, need to put her in her place. And when you do- do it with authority and don’t shrink backwards. GOOD LUCK! Happy B-day to the little four year old!

  3. Johanna April 11, 2013 at 12:51 #

    My own mum was like that. Horrid. I spent years trying to figure out a way to make her see. She never did. She was a spiteful cow right until the last phonecall she made to me before she died. No lesson there I guess except that some people never change. I just wish I’d stood up to her more for my own sake, but personally, I was too scared. Sounds horrible to say it, but my life is a million times better since she passed away. She’s probably arguing with God right now about what colour the sky should be, hah!

  4. Heather April 11, 2013 at 13:02 #

    I’m not a parent but I grew up in a household where my dad’s mom was rather mean/dismissive/rude to my mom’s face and behind her back. Even as a kid, I understood that Grandma was being mean and rude and I couldn’t understand why. My aunts were even worse It stressed me out when I was a kid. If you won’t stand up for yourself, then stand up for your kid’s sake. It is not ok for people to treat others badly and you need to demonstrate that even if it is uncomfortable. To this day (20 years later), we STILL deal with Grandma and Auntie hatefulness, because we never got into a habit of pushing back and standing up for ourselves and each other.

  5. Gumbygirl April 11, 2013 at 16:06 #

    Good luck to you sweetie. My hubby doesn’t say anything to her because she is his last living parent. So he uses that pitiful excuse to have her treat the kids and I like second class citizens. She pulled a real doozie in feb and I haven’t spoken to her since. We are building a new house and she keeps telling the hubs she is coming to help us move. I told him that if she helps move he will be moving into the new house by himself and she can come live with him. I have decided that life is too short to deal with fucktards like her and if the hubs doesn’t get onboard with me then he will be a very happy man living with his mother. Stay strong and I agree when she says the snotty stuff tell her outright that what she said is inappropriate She will either get the hint or stop coming around. Either way its win win !

  6. Angie April 11, 2013 at 23:15 #

    That is so tough! My MIL has pissed me off, but I usually just let it go because I don’t want to cause an issue in the family. However, if you are at your breaking point then it may be time to say something.
    Angie recently posted..I forgotMy Profile

  7. Donna April 12, 2013 at 02:04 #

    I agree with Heather about all how a toxic relationship will effect your child. My parents “had to get married” 47 years ago and trust me when I say, my grandmother never, ever let my mom forget it for a moment. She was constantly putting my mom down, talked about her like a dog to anyone and everyone, undermined her at every turn and worst of all told us kids bad things about our momma. She was in fact a terrible, miserable woman and she just passed away last year at the ripe old age of 93…..I wasn’t sorry to she her go! As I grew up, I realized that the lies she feed me were just that, lies. I have apologized to my momma for the way I treated her because of my grandmother but I still carry that guilt. My momma is truly my best friend and the most wonderful caring woman around. She has always treated my hubby as her own son (we’ve been married 27 years) and never even said the first bad word againist him to me or anyone else. She realized she had the MIL from hell and has gone above and beyond to not repeat that history. You need to speak up or hubby’s got to or it will scar your daughter. My parents have been married for 47 years and it wasn’t until the last couple of years that my daddy stood up to his mom. It really bothers him that he didn’t do it sooner but he was just afraid to confront her and cause conflict in the family. Hell, there was huge conflict in the family because of her actions. He now sees that by not speaking up he allowed his wife and woman he loved, to be abused and he deals with that guilt daily.

  8. Paige Hudson Garcia April 12, 2013 at 04:58 #

    Ohhhh…goodness…somebody stop her!

    She will continue until corrected, and she should be, immediately. No gray area, no politically correct nonsense, no guilt, no fear. STOP HER. Firmly, finally, and with no regrets.

    (Please don’t feel like you are being a bad person by setting healthy boundaries for you, your husband, or your daughter – you are protecting your family. Your hummingbird learns to stand up for herself out in the world by your example. Your feelings ARE important and you have the right to protect yourself!)

    Even though your MIL may be family, that is all the more reason she should be cherishing the 3 of you, rather than taking it as an invite to get away with bad behavior.

    Your hubby loves you. If he wishes to have a relationship with her, he should feel free to…as long as he understands that you & the hummingbird will not be involved as long as she treats you badly. Happy wives/mommies are better than tense/sad/angry/unhappy ones any day, I’ll bet he’ll agree!

    Everyday, get as happy as you can as fast as you can – it’s nobody’s job but yours.
    BIG HUG and best of luck! Keep us posted.

  9. Joy@BundlesOfJoy April 12, 2013 at 06:04 #

    Your job as a mom is to make sure you’re the barrier between you MIL’s nastiness and your daughter’s happiness. Whatever road you decide to take, let that be your guiding mission.

    Personally, I would endeavor to never make a scene in front of my daughter or our guests/friends, regardless of your MIL’s actions. Your daughter needs to see a difference between your MIL’s behavior and your behavior over the years so that she can learn to follow YOUR model, not your MIL’s. Maybe it’s the Southerner in me, but pointed graciousness can be just as powerful as snarkiness, and you look much better for it.

    But I also believe in drawing boundaries and expressing them clearly to your MIL in advance. If she chooses to cross those boundaries, than she chooses to un-invite herself to celebrations in the future.

    Good luck. You have a tough road to travel.
    Joy@BundlesOfJoy recently posted..So Our Neighbor Bought A BulldozerMy Profile

  10. Christie April 12, 2013 at 07:35 #

    Where is your hubby in all this? What is his stance on how she treats you? Having a bitch MIL is, well, a bitch. And you shouldn’t need to put up with this and your HUBBY should make sure you don’t.
    Sure, you can limit contact, ban her from gatherings, but that will only add fuel to the fire. While it would be Sooooo easy to say “fuck it” and never see her again, that’s not really a win/win situation. While you don’t want to have your kids see your MIL beat you down, at the same time you don’t want to damage their relationship (IF it’s a healthy one, if not then the “fuck it” is appropriate and suggested).
    But hubby needs to be on board. Let him know what you expect- not what you WANT- what you EXPECT from him in this situation.
    Then tell him it will be the coming of a new dawn before he’s off the couch and back in your good graces if he doesn’t….
    Christie recently posted..Multi-Tasking or How A Mom Does 100 Things At Once and Dad Is Still On #1 Of His Honey-Do ListMy Profile

  11. monica April 12, 2013 at 11:54 #

    BEST of luck. ;o) thought you might enjoy this in case you missed it!
    monica recently posted..What to do if you are abducted by aliens.My Profile

  12. Nicole April 12, 2013 at 20:13 #

    I just took the punches with a smile. It was hard at first, but then my son got old enough to see how horrible she was and how he runs away from her and says he doesn’t like her. She can be as cruel as she wants to me, but the fact is, my kid and her kid like me better than her. She can have her bitterness and cruelty, I’ll have the snuggles and laughter 🙂

    (Definitely keep the vodka stash, though. Bullies HATE it when people don’t play their game. She may up the ante.)
    Nicole recently posted..Kitchen Essentials: Chasseur Round Dutch OvenMy Profile

  13. LeeAnne Curtis April 13, 2013 at 17:54 #

    I am wishing you the best luck I can. My current MIL is 93, and believes she sits on the right side of God…..yeah right – She feels it is okay to talk trash about anyone as long as she isn’t called out on it. Me – I have always treaded where angels fear to tread – NO ONE is going to take up for your child like you. And even tho my child is now 45 with 2 of his own, it is still the same way – say what you want to me – I am grown and will stand up for me – MESS WITH MY FAMILY – bend over, kiss your ass good-by because it will belong to God. AND I do have to give props to my Hubs – when MIL had to move in with us last year (no retirement community here would allow her, does that tell you something?) he informed her that I run the house, it was my house also and what I said goes…..And honestly, that has really helped a lot – but I am still looking at getting a tongue replacement because I have almost bit mine in too….The little hummingbird will also figure this out on her own (as you did with your Mom), but by then the damage is done – your MIL needs to know when she hits your door, it’s your rules or she can go somewhere else!

  14. Amberoni13 April 13, 2013 at 23:28 #

    I am going against most of the stream here and say you probably can’t totally cut your mother in law off without future contact. Having insane in-laws myself, it is kind of a fantasy to make believe that you can move and not give them the address, or get new phones and never give them the numbers. My husband fully knows his parents are nuts and fantasizes just as richly, if not more so. Thankfully, they mostly turn on each other with the insanity and hateful words/actions rather than on us – we mostly manage to stay out of it.

    Instead of going with the fantasy, though, I am going to go the Lorelai Glimore direction. Speak your mind, especially to stick up for yourself, but have a little bit of a sense of humor. You seem to be able to laugh about (some) of the insanity afterwards, and write about it to share. Anytime your mother in law says something crazy (like that she thinks she and her husband will raise your daughter if something happens to your husband), LAUGH AT HER. If she looks puzzled or offended, tell her that what she has just said is so insane that you thought she was joking.

    You are a good person – you are a good mother – your husband and daughter know that. You know that.

  15. Beadzoid April 14, 2013 at 06:54 #

    Yeesh, horrible situation. I know how you feel (FIL, not MIL in my case), and it’s hard when your husband doesn’t stick up for you and you are stuck having to keep the peace for the sake of your husband and the kids. It’s a shitty situation to be in alright and I don’t know the answer. But if you find it, do let us know!!!
    Beadzoid recently posted..The Lullaby TrustMy Profile

  16. mads September 13, 2013 at 04:51 #

    don’t worry ladies…. god is watching over these bitches[fucked up mils] and they are soon gonna die horribly ……everyday i pray to god to give me strength so that i could bear that bitch in my life……..she is the worst person i’ve seen in my life……she lies all the time, she is fake, nonsense, nobody around her [even her own siblings] likes her,she always try to put me down………….i hate her from the bottom of my heart……..i never thought i would be so negative towards my mil…..but believe me she is hopeless…..

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