I would love to take a hit off of the “know it all” bong my mother-in-law obviously smokes from.

stabbyHaven’t you heard?! My mother-in-law is a fucking genius! She knows EVERYTHING!

So, let’s go back a few weeks ago, to the weekend prior to the hummingbird’s 4th birthday on April 15th. I can only tolerate my in-laws for a few hours with each visit. I was done dealing with them by Friday night. They arrived just a few hours earlier so they were right on track.

A quick-ish sidenote… the Navy keeps changing its mind about moving us to Maine because of the hummingbird’s medical issues. I say fuck that. Where we currently live in Northern California, we’re about 2 or so hours away from Stanford, which is where we have to go to try to solve her ongoing medical puzzle.

When it comes to living in Maine, it will pretty much be the same set up as we’d be about the same distance to Boston. So, I don’t see it as a big problem but of course the military has to be a pain in the ass, as usual.

Anyway, after years of bitching about my mother-in-law, I find her not only to be a cold-hearted bitch but also a See You Next Tuesday. Or to be rather frank, a cunt. I’ve never cared for that word and don’t take it lightly but for her, I’ll make an exception.

Another sidenote… last quarter, my husband taught a class on a Tuesday and would never understand why a few of his students would chuckle a little when the hubby would say at the end of his class See You Next Tuesday!

He was telling me about it one night and that’s when I said, ya know sweetie, you’re calling your students cunts which is probably why they find it amusing. He was like Ahhhh, so that’s why!

Back to my MIL. I have been struggling with her for over 18 years and after this visit, I’m done trying to get along with her. She’s made it very clear that it’s never going to happen.

I could tell this woman that water is wet and I swear, she would fight me to the death to show that I’m in some way wrong. That’s how it goes with her for every visit but this visit in particular made her a know it all of every fucking thing in the universe.

My hubby and FIL went into the kitchen and I was stuck in the living room with my MIL while trying to make small talk. I only say as little as possible because of the way she always seems to respond to everything I say.

We talked about Maine for a minute.

Me: I’m a little concerned about how much snow we’ll get there but I know the hummingbird will love it.

MIL: No, you’re wrong. It doesn’t snow much there. Maybe once or twice a year.

Me: *mentally rolls eyes* How often have you been to Maine?

MIL: Never.

MIL: Oh look, is that The Notebook on t.v?

Me: It is.

MIL: You never told me much about your visit with author Nicholas Sparks last summer.

Me: I reluctantly tell her a few things that he said during the interview I had with him, especially when he talked about writing The Notebook. That included saying how old he was when he wrote the book and that it was the very first book he wrote.

MIL: I highly doubt he was that young when he wrote the book. That doesn’t sound right at all.

Me: Ummm… I’m just going by what he said in the interview.

MIL: No, I don’t think that’s true at all. I know he had other books before that too.

Me: Actually, he has written several books after that but The Notebook was the first one.

Mil: No, you’re wrong.

Me: *stab… stab…. stab*

After that, I totally shut down, excused myself, and went upstairs to have one of my party favors… a shot of vodka. There was more to the conversation with my MIL than this but I would like to keep what little bit of sanity I have left without rehashing it out.

I’m actually leaving several things out that she said and did during the visit because I am so done with her and over it. She’s just a bitch who only gets along with her 100 plus turtles that she has at her house. The woman is a turtle hoarder. I really need to write about that sometime. Don’t let me forget.

I think it’s the oddest thing that no mater what I say to her, she has to find some kind of fault with it. I’ve never thought this shit was a competition with her but she seems to think so.

We had the hummingbird’s birthday party on April 13th and I avoided my MIL like the plague. Luckily, with the other kids and their parents there, it was easy to do.

On Sunday, my hubby and I went out to see a movie. With Ryan Gosling, of course. The Place Beyond The Pines was really, really good. Then it was back to the snake pit with the in-laws.

On Monday, the hummingbird’s actual birthday, we went out for lunch with the in-laws. That whole thing was my fault because my husband was going out to lunch with his parents.

I had planned a birthday lunch with just the hummingbird and me and called the hubby to ask if his parents left yet. That’s when he let me know that they’ll be leaving after he has lunch with them.

My dumb ass suggested we all have lunch together since I’m sure they’d like to see the hummingbird one last time before they leave.

I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No matter how much I can’t stand my in-laws, I’d feel horrible if I kept the hummingbird and my husband away from them.

While we were waiting for our food at the restaurant and everyone was wrapped up in conversation, I was looking through my Twitter feed and started reading about something just happening in Boston. Then I was reading about bombs going off at the Boston Marathon and was shocked.

I’m very sensitive with things but I obviously know that a lot of people aren’t as hyper-sensitive with things like I am so I don’t expect them to have the reactions I would have. That’s why I don’t know why in the world I was surprised by my MIL’s lack of a reaction but I can’t imagine not feeling any compassion about something.

When I read about what was unfolding in Boston, I nudged my husband and told him that a few bombs went off at the marathon finish line.

With my MIL overhearing this, and being the delicate flower that she is, she responded with…

MIL: And?? What’s the big deal??

Me: It’s horrible. I can’t imagine how many people must have been hurt or worse. (I was trying to watch my words in front of my daughter.)

MIL: Oh well. They’re runners. They’re healthy.

I’m not trying to say my MIL had to feel a certain way about what happened in Boston but when two bombs go off and there are thousands of people around, I don’t know how she could be so indifferent to it.

There were a few seconds afterward where I wanted to dive across the table and stab her with my fork.

The in-laws finally left later that afternoon and I told my hubby I don’t expect to see them for quite a while after this visit. I told him if he wants to visit them with the hummingbird, that’s fine, but if they come to visit us after we move to Maine, there will be a lot of things I won’t keep quiet about anymore when it comes to his mom acting the way she does.

I’ve said this so many times before but next time, when they visit us, I will let the MIL know that if she can’t keep her ass in line and treat me with some respect in our house, she can go fuck herself. And yes, I would love nothing more than to use those exact words.

*Emotion Sickness – Silverchair

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11 Responses to I would love to take a hit off of the “know it all” bong my mother-in-law obviously smokes from.

  1. Johanna May 9, 2013 at 13:57 #

    Yes, the only way to deal with rude bullying people is to go in all guns blazing. Good luck!

  2. LeeAnne Curtis May 9, 2013 at 15:25 #

    I agree with Johanna – it’s your house, your child, your husband – she most definitely NEEDS a kick in the ass – and when you do it – send her all the fucking way to Maine since she is an absolute authority on that state and while you are at it – tell her you have had her shit way up to here – (hands above head, elbows bent slightly, palms face down) and it stops NOW!! Tell Hubs you are tired of her shit and you have NO INTENTIONS of putting up with her any more. He needs to grow a pair and tell his Mom that YOU are his wife and the little hummingbird is his daughter which makes you three a nice little family. If she can’t treat you with respect then she can’t be around you. HE is more than welcome to take the little hummingbird to see them when they stay at the hotel – but count you out!! 16 years is a long time to put up with bullshit and now it’s time to give her some of her own!!
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Seersucker Caterpillar Dress or Jonjonsizes 1-4 by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

  3. Ashleigh May 9, 2013 at 15:31 #

    I’m a new reader so excuse me if you have answered this before, but Does your husband back you up at all when it
    Comes to his mother? Has he told her she must respect you as his wife and the mother of his child, period? You have serious self control for not back handing this bitch.

  4. monica May 9, 2013 at 17:28 #

    sorry all that happened……….again. :o( yes, i’m all for the guns blazing thing. tell her how it is and has to be. and THANK YOU for enlightening me on the see you next Tuesday. love it and now that I KNOW it I will use it liberally. ;o) you are so hip. ;o) xoxo
    monica recently posted..You dropped a bomb on me, baby.My Profile

  5. k-dawg May 9, 2013 at 19:56 #

    Oh no. Oh hell no. She sounds so awful and terrible. I hope you drank a box of wine after she left, because I certainly would have. My MIL is nightmarish when she drinks, except no one talks about her very apparent drinking problem, so that the next time I see her following her verbal assaults, she doesn’t remember how much of a see you next tuesday she is and NO ONE’S allowed to talk about it.
    k-dawg recently posted..Ways in Which My Pets Have Prepared Me For MotherhoodMy Profile

  6. Regan May 10, 2013 at 12:18 #

    I wandered over from the Blogess. If you haven’t gone to babycenter and checked out the dealing with the inlaws and family of origin group, you should. They’re very to the point and have a lot of good advice ( that you sound ready for if your read to stab her instead of yourself to make it stop), and there are a fair number of military wives.

  7. Angie May 10, 2013 at 12:35 #

    She sounds awful! I would do all I could to avoid her.
    Angie recently posted..It’s been awhileMy Profile

  8. Meg Mc May 12, 2013 at 15:20 #

    I think you’ve been more than generous. It’s time to stop accepting unacceptable behavior and tell that woman to stick her attitude up her ass, if she can find room, what with her head already up there.

    Here’s the good news…with a mother like that…you can throw everything you got at this guy, and he’ll stick around. He’s see WAY worse. 🙂

    -Meg
    Meg Mc recently posted..In which I accidentally sexually harass a neighbor…My Profile

  9. Liz May 12, 2013 at 22:21 #

    Just discovered your blog-it’s fekkin’ hilarious! Your MIL and mine must be twins. There are times when the only way I get through visits is thinking about stabbing myself in the eye with a fork. It gives me a giggle and then I move on….

    It’s the fork or copious amounts of bourbon, five fingers, neat… and I’m not kidding.

  10. Fran May 16, 2013 at 13:51 #

    Smack your hubby. It is his job to ” deal ” with his mother. It should not be up to you to defend yourself…besides, he is in the navy, I am sure he has experience/special training in dealing with hostile forces

  11. April May 27, 2013 at 04:00 #

    After reading your posts about your MIL, It’s good that you are willing to lay down how you feel.

    But its likely that nothing you say will ever change her behavior or feelings. You cannot fix her no matter how hard you try. It sucks, I know.

    So whatever you say to her will have to be for your sake and not for hers, because she will not hear you. Give up the dream of what you think your relationship SHOULD be. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

    The only thing you can do is change your own expectations and set limits in order to protect yourself and be emotionally healthy. Tell that accusatory voice in your head that tells you you are not trying hard enough to shut up.

    Because you are wonderful. Truly.

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