Pregnancy sucks… and then it doesn’t… and then it does… and then you just want that baby out.

littlebird-ballerina1*This post was inspired by Marianna from Snappy Surprise who’s pregnant with her first child. Let’s take a minute to welcome her to the mommyhood club!

Pregnancy is such a magical time. You start growing and growing and getting bigger and bigger. There’s some pretty wicked hormones running through your body that makes you cry over a candy commercial. Not just some crying with a light case of the sniffles… it’s the ugly cry.

And before you leave the house, you’re a bathroom ninja and you check to see where the bathrooms are in the vicinity of where you’re going. I’ve already written about some things I experienced in the days and weeks following my daughter’s birth. Now, it’s time to tackle pregnancy.

A case of the barfs –

I was puking throughout most of my pregnancy. The nausea would get so bad that I would get the spins. Prenatal vitamins were assholes and I would puke nightly after about an hour of feeling like I wanted to die. That was finally resolved when a nurse told me to take 2 gummy Flintstone vitamins without iron in place of the prenatal.

When I was pregnant, my sense of smell was on steroids. I would be dry heaving at things I loved prior to being pregnant, like pepperoni pizza. I would even carry plastic bags in my purse just in case I would get sick.

Cravings  –

I wanted anything lemony or citrusy. My biggest cravings were anything to do with fruit, potatoes, Taco Bell bean burritos with sour cream, and orange juice. Holy hell, I would stab somebody if they fucked with my orange juice. My poor husband.

Food aversions –

That freaking rotiserrie chicken at the grocery store would give me the biggest case of the barfs. It was awful and I would dread having to go grocery shopping. I must have looked like such an insane person before I started showing because there I’d be, going down aisle after aisle, gagging at the smell of that damn chicken wafting in the air.

The sweet spot. –

It was around 6 months when my pregnancy seemed more real to me and it was also around that time that the hummingbird was really, really active at night. My favorite part of the day was late at night when I would be laying in bed and she would be doing her acrobatic circus acts. I loved that bonding time with her.

I would also love when the hummingbird would get the hiccups when she was on the inside. After she was born, I would hold her close to my chest so I could get that feeling back.

The alien inside. –

One night while watching the alien inside of me move around, I lifted up my shirt and would see her poking through my stomach. Then, holy shit, there was an elbow or a knee that really poked up and went from the left side of my stomach to the right side. My first thought was that my baby was going to burst through my stomach like a scene in the movie Alien.

Nobody ever told me stuff like that happens and I was about to wake up my husband to tell him our baby is eating its way through my abdomen. Then it happened a few more times and since my stomach was still intact and my fetus didn’t eat through it, I was pretty sure I was safe.

Peeing every 5 minutes. –

You pee, and pee, and pee, and pee, and pee some more. One thing that should be very clear is that when a pregnant woman says she has to pee right this very second, don’t respond with “But we’ll be there in 5 minutes. Just hold it until then.” Especially if you want to live. There’s a baby sitting on our bladder and once we have to pee, we have to do it then and there.

I’ll eventually be able to lift myself off the couch between now and tomorrow night –

In my 7th month, I started to slow down more because of my basketball sized belly that would have me waddling like a duck. Once I would sit in a chair or on the couch, I would feel like I needed a forklift to get me up. It was getting more difficult to try to get comfortable whether I was sitting, standing, laying on the bed, walking, and driving.

No, I’m not moody, motherfucker. – 

I was moody through my entire pregnancy which by the way, I admit I would take advantage of sometimes, but in my 31st week of pregnancy, I was done, done, done. I was so ready for my daughter to be born. My mood was certainly helped by people who would say to me “Wow, you’re still pregnant! It looks like you should have had that baby weeks ago!”

Get this damn baby out of me now! –

I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t sleep, I had to pee ALL THE TIME, I wanted to eat soft cheeses again, and there seemed like there wasn’t anymore room for the hummingbird to grow. It was cramped quarters in my uterus and I was so antsy and restless to meet my baby. I finally did on April 15, 2009. Her due date was May 6 and that was when we were able to bring her home from the NICU.

Post-baby breast pump nipples – 

There are so many things I could go on about when it comes to post-baby but one thing really sticks out in my mind. I had been pumping for a few weeks and one afternoon, while my newborn daughter was taking a nap, I decided to pump a little extra longer than normal. When I took off the breast shield, I almost screamed.

My nipple was the size of a quarter.

Let me repeat.

My nipple was the size of a quarter!!

With my pregnancy hormones strong and having first time mom-itis, I thought I broke my nipple and it would never go back to its normal size again. I called my husband at work and as soon as he answered, I was like “Omg, Omg, I broke my nipple. It’s huge! I was pumping and now it’s the size of a freaking quarter! What do I do?!”

The hubby calmed me down (I’ll never know how he stopped himself from laughing at me) and tried to assure me that my nipple wasn’t broken and if I just gave it some time, it would go back down to its regular size.

Luckily it did. After that, I thought it was the coolest thing that my nipples could get so large. What? I blame it on being sleep deprived and the fact that I’m easily amused. If I could have, I probably would have stopped everyone I came across in my daily life and would have told them “Want to know something cool? My nipples can get as big as quarters! Wanna see?”

But then there’s that whole getting arrested for public indecency that I wanted to avoid.

What were some of your memorable pregnancy experiences?

*Yael Naim – New Soul

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15 Responses to Pregnancy sucks… and then it doesn’t… and then it does… and then you just want that baby out.

  1. LeeAnne Curtis May 20, 2013 at 10:06 #

    Fortunately for me, it was an easy pregancy. I did have weird cravings tho, with the favorite being steamed hot dog buns with mustard…no hot dog, just the bun and mustard. And the only other thing I can remember (this was 45 years ago) is when my water broke, I cried because I wasn’t ready for him to come….(.I was young and dumb -) so I laid on the bed and cried my eyes out, but to no avail. I finally went to the hospital at 4 am and my big bundle of joy arrived at 8:12 am. Hmm – I don’t think he even knows that!!
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Seersucker Caterpillar Dress or Jonjonsizes 1-4 by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

  2. Angie May 20, 2013 at 12:41 #

    I pump for my daughter, and it always amuses me how large my nipples are when I am finished.
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    • Elle May 25, 2013 at 13:32 #

      Hehe! I’m so glad I didn’t have my blog then because I probably would have posted a picture of my ginormous nipples on here. 😉

  3. k-dawg May 20, 2013 at 13:33 #

    I love this, thanks for sharing! I’m juuust about 36 pregnant with my first, a boy, and I’m totally over it. Like, sooo over it. There’s a list of random shit that happened to me over the past 9 months that I was completely unprepared for (including completely debilitating sciatica since 6 weeks that’s kept me out of work), but as I’m getting more toward the end, I’m finding more and more there are things happening to my body (without my permission, mind you) that I had no idea would go on. Pregnancy is pretty awful and I hate it, and I’ve finally just gotten to the point where I don’t feel guilty in saying that… I’m assuming having a beautiful child will make up for the 40 weeks’ worth of misery, right?? Right??!

    And dude, my nipples are he size of silver dollar pancakes, and I haven’t even pumped yet. Maybe I’m a freak! I’d take quarters any day!
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    • Elle May 25, 2013 at 13:39 #

      Congrats, k-dawg! It’s totally worth 40 weeks worth of misery. And then there will be times when you’ll think to yourself “What the hell did I get myself into!!” 🙂 xx

  4. Micky Marie Morrison May 20, 2013 at 13:41 #

    Loved this post! Found it hilarious and real!! I re-posted it on my pages facebook I liked it so much (!!

    • Elle May 25, 2013 at 13:39 #

      Thank you, sweetie! I really appreciate it!

  5. Lisa May 20, 2013 at 14:26 #

    Baby 1: Craved raw onions and the smell of gasoline (don’t worry, kid’s gonna be 29 next month, no apparent after effects, and no, I wasn’t huffin’ it, just liked the smell. Baby 2: Craved bagels with cream cheese and hot dogs. Couldn’t drive past a McDonalds without throwing up. Even the commercials, the smell, or the sight of it made me sick. Baby 3: Horrible morning sickness, only soothed by Taco Bell or watermelon. Baby 4: Horrible morning sickness, only soothed by KFC. Baby 5: Minimal morning sickness, a metric ton of weight gain. Lots and lots of crying. I won’t even get started on my nipples, although they never fully recovered.

  6. pamela May 20, 2013 at 20:41 #

    You never cease to crack me up! Baby #1, a boy, I craved craved craved OJ. As in drank like 2 gallons a week! And pizza from Romeo’s, Cap’n Crunch–not that shit with the freaky berries either (BARF) and ice cream of any kind. God help you if there was no ice cream in the house. I was nauseous at even the thought of looking at raw pork. Like pork chop pork. My hub would laugh hysterically at me in the grocery when I skirted around that section in the meat department. I kicked him really hard one day when he stuck a pork roast in my face. AN older lady laughed and told him “that’s what you get, son”.
    Baby #2, a girl, I ate so many cobb salads I thought I would sprout long ears and a fluffy tail. I could actually eat an entire fresh pineapple EVERY SINGLE DAY! No shizz. And so help me if the avocado was not on my salad. A restaurant next to where I worked forgot it one day and I swear, I wanted to shove that salad up someones ass! They never forgot it again. Oh, and I could never forget my daily soft asiago bagel with double bacon and swiss cheese from Bruggers Bagel. They saw me coming every morning and started making it before I walked in the door. LMAO

    I still love bacon, and fresh pineapple, and cobb salads. and Romeo’s pizza. And so do my kids.

  7. Ashley @ Forgetful Momma May 21, 2013 at 05:35 #

    All so true! I’m pregnant with #3 and it will be the LAST! I am tried of throwing up at my house, walking down the road, in public bathrooms (ewww!) and having to run outside of store where they have no public bathrooms to hurl my stomach inside-out at the slight smell of something, anything. My sense of smell is very heightened this time around, I can’t stand my dog, he smells like a dog and it makes me sick.
    We moved a few weeks after we found out we were expecting again and if anyone or I mention the town we lived in (for only 7 months) I cry like a damn fool. Even in stores. Yup, tearing up right now for thinking about it. Damn hormones.
    I feel bad for my poor children (4 &2) who never know which momma they are going to have, happy, cranky, sad, etc.

    Just yesterday I posted about some of the things I forgot about pregnancy up until this point.
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  8. Christie May 21, 2013 at 08:44 #

    I hated chicken, craved watermelon and looked 8 months pregnant when I was 5 because it was my 2nd. I was wanting that baby OUT and I was CONVINCED she would be early because her sister was- and then WTF not only was she NOT early but I had to be induced! Then I popped that sucker out in less than 10 minutes. No joke. I was serious when I said I wanted her out!!!
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  9. MeglyMc May 22, 2013 at 20:31 #

    When I was at the end of my pregnancy with my twins, I just remember a male friend looking at me and shaking his head and saying, “That just looks like it hurts,” and I wanted to say, “No shit.” Okay, I actually DID say that. Hormones. They win. All the time.
    MeglyMc recently posted..DNA is a crafty bastardMy Profile

    • Elle May 25, 2013 at 13:41 #

      That’s awesome you said it! 🙂

  10. Elaine Bayless May 23, 2013 at 19:14 #

    I remember that I could never dry off completely after peeing. Seriously, I would stuff half the roll up there and still when I got up pee went drip drip dripping down my legs. Stupid swollen labia. I had a milkshake daily in the third trimester when the heartburn hit. And while I didn’t have any major problems (no real nausea, no weird cravings, no swollen feet), I didn’t get any of the advantages like thick shiny hair either!
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  11. Naomi April 8, 2014 at 11:04 #

    I craved mostly fruit, and the doctor kept yelling at me to gain more weight. He had put me on that healthy diet thing, only whole grains, mostly fruit and veggies, etc.

    I found out that I had a fibroid — right by my cervix. It caused bleeding through all 3 trimesters, though the baby was just fine.

    The hubby never believed me about the baby moving around. She always stopped when I got his hand on my belly. One night, we watched tv in bed together, and he saw it. The alien trying to escape through my skin. He was impressed. I shared the time when she kicked the doctor when he was trying to take her heartbeat.

    I had the normal have to pee all the time, but the fibroid caused something unexpected. On my first and third trimesters, it would occasionally block my urethra, and I couldn’t pee at all. I had to get help peeing when I was in early labor. I came back when labor was going full, then had to wait for a room. There I was having full contractions in the waiting room, in pain, wanting to be alone, and all the other people there kept trying to talk to me.

    My nipples never looked like quarters, but they got plenty big during breastfeeding. We stopped breastfeeding at 20 months. My kid is almost 4, and my nipples are still shaped like penis heads.

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