Seeing a biological parent after several years of estrangement is scary as hell and if you want to do me a favor, you can go in my place.

It’s been over 21 years since I’ve seen my biological “father” aka sperm donor and this weekend we’re going down to Los Angeles to see him. Well, hopefully it will be a quick visit since I only feel comfortable around him in small doses, even though it has been several years.

This is the first time my husband will be meeting him and the little hummingbird finally gets to meet her other “grandpa”.

I first met my “father” when I was 9 years-old and from then on, I was on the crazy train. It was worse when I decided to live with him when I was 12.

He’s schizophrenic and for years I saw him go through the cycle of getting his shit together, then he would be feeling on top of the world so he would have a drink here and there and forget to take his meds every day. That would lead to him becoming really erratic and he would start doing coke, speed, crank, or whatever the hell else he could get his hands on.

He would completely melt down and become abusive. I kept pretty quiet about it to my friends but on rare occassions would confide in one of them. The problem is he was known as the really cool dad and it was hard for the people I told to believe his abusive behavior.

The sperm donor also has another weapon… he’s very likable when he’s not going off the deep end. He’s a charming motherfucker kind of likable.

We’ve always meshed really well, even in those awful times when I was younger, and I reconnected with him 10 years ago, mostly by phone.

When he’s taking his medications and is lucid, I think “finally, this is the dad I wish I could have all of the time.”  He’s also so supportive of me and despite a major cash flow problem, he adores the hummingbird and sends her cards and presents.

But… I’m still very cautious. Just like when I was a kid, the same cycle repeats and just by hearing his voice on a message, I can tell if he’s stable or not.

You may be thinking why the fuck would you want to even be around the guy?

I honestly have no idea. He fucked me in the head pretty good when I was younger and while I never thought I could forgive or forget, the anger I had towards him when I was 16 has simmered down quite a bit.

Of course I still have my moments where I think fuck that asshole, he doesn’t deserve shit from me or my family.

And it’s probably true.

I would like to give it a chance though and as long as I know that he’s currently in a stable place, which he seems to be, I need to be able to see him, especially since we’ll be moving to Maine very soon, but also so he can see his granddaughter.

I would never bring her into an environment if I didn’t know it was safe (I have a few family “spies” that let me know if all is well with him) and I would like the hummingbird to meet him at least once. Because honestly, this is probably the first and last time she’ll get to see him.

The nice thing about going to LA is that for my Mother’s Day gift, my hubby booked a hotel right on the Venice Beach boardwalk. Ooooh ahhh! So, the visit isn’t strictly to see my sperm donor but to see as much of Los Angeles as we can since it will be a while before we’ll be there again.

Come to think of it, with the traffic the way it is there, the most we might see is the freeway.

And I can’t wait for the little bird to see where her mama grew up. I’ll just leave out my underage drinking, flings with musicians, parties, and the wild nights on Sunset Strip.

My version to her will be when I was younger, I was big in supporting the arts and showed a lot of enthusiasm in social situations.

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4 Responses to Seeing a biological parent after several years of estrangement is scary as hell and if you want to do me a favor, you can go in my place.

  1. Mandi May 28, 2013 at 13:53 #

    I just finally saw my dad again after not speaking or seeing each other for 9 years. I was a ball of emotions for a week leading up to it. In the end the meeting was short and sweet and we text each other every few days since then. I’ve been pretty cautious since the meeting because he’s been so unreliable in the past, and I think he knows I’m playing it safe. Keep your heart guarded, but let him in enough so you don’t feel guilt if something were to happen to him. That’s the only reason I met with mine. I now have a sense of peace from no longer being constantly angry every time I thought of him. Good luck!

  2. monica May 28, 2013 at 18:49 #

    oh, elle. I do not envy you in having to do this. I cannot imagine how hard it will be. my brother is a schizophrenic and my niece doesn’t really have a lot to do with him. and it’s just a sad situation. he wants to have a relationship with her, but he’s so crazy that it’s nearly impossible. right now he’s in a forensic hospital because he tried to knife someone with a butter knife when he was completely off his meds. since he’s been there my niece has married a wonderful man and had a beautiful baby girl. I wish things could be different for her because she is a wonderful young woman with a great family, but I know it’s so hard. i’m sure that your dad – in whatever capacity he is able – will be thankful for your visit. good luck!
    monica recently posted..Bad things happen in 3’s…or 13’s…or 33’s. But who’s counting?My Profile

  3. Notmyyearoff May 29, 2013 at 01:22 #

    Good luck Elle!! It’ll be exhausting emotionally but I hope its goes really smoothly for you all and gives you some closure to the hurt you’ve gotten from the whole situation. Thinking of you xx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted..History With A Toddler – A Visit to Lyme ParkMy Profile

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  1. A middle finger salute. | This Is Mommyhood - June 6, 2013

    […] and stayed in a hotel right on the boardwalk which was really nice. I couldn’t get a hold of my sperm donor and was starting to relax while we were there. Then on Saturday night he called and we set up lunch […]

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