Damn, my toenails are looking kind of funky. I need to go to the nail salon. I’ll definitely go this weekend.
Okay, I’ll go no later than next Wednesday.
Well crap, I just can’t seem to take my lazy ass to the nail salon. But I will go no later than the end of next week.
Finally… on the way there…
I will only get a pedicure. I will only get a pedicure. No waxing. I won’t let them talk me into getting anything else done. Just a pedicure.
Greeted: Hello, welcome! What you like?
Me: I need a pedicure.
Them: You want fingers done too?
Me: No, thanks. Just the pedicure.
Them: Okay, pick color and go down to seat number 4.
Nail tech: Hello! How are you?
Me: Good, thanks.
Her: You getting fingernails done too?
Me: Umm… no… just a pedicure.
Her: It’s only 10 dollar extra.
Me: No, thank you.
Her: It’s really good for the nail. It won’t take that long. Your nails will look pretty.
Me: Uhh.. umm, well, okay. I’ll get a manicure too.
Her: Oh good! You be looking so sexy!
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Do you need me to wax your eyebrows.
Me: No. I’ll get that done next week.
Her: You sure? Only 5 dollar more?
Me: No, thank you. I’ll just wait.
Her: You look very pretty with eyebrow wax. It won’t take long.
Me: No, really, that’s okay.
Me again: Okay, come to think of it, I should just get them waxed now.
Her. All right. You be so sexy!
Taken back to get waxed.
Her: You want me to do your upper lip too? Just 3 dollar more?
Thinks to self. WHAT THE FUCK? DO I HAVE A MUSTACHE? I’M TRYING TO HAVE A NICE, RELAXING TIME AND THEN THIS LADY IMPLIES THAT I NEED AN UPPER LIP WAXING! WHAT THE FUCK LADY?!
Me: Okay. That would be fine.
Her: Good, good. You look so much better with waxing.
Goes to get fingernails done.
Her: Do you want a design on your nail?
Me: Oh, umm, no thanks.
Her: How about pargabinm?
Me: I’m sorry what?
Her: Paragbinm? 5 dollar more.
Me: *confused look on face* Thinks to self. I’M SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE ASKING ME? THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT SHE’S SAYING! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SAY YES OR NO.
Her: Okay, good. Your hands so dry. I get the paragbinm.
Me: Looks at her bringing back a bag. Duh, she was saying paraffin.
Thinks to self… Holy fucking fuck! This shit is hot!
Her: Is it okay?
Me: Shakes head and through gritted teeth because if I didn’t grit them, I would be screaming THIS SHIT IS FUCKING HOT, I say uhhummm. Good.
To self. MOTHERFUCKER!
Her: Okay, go wash hands.
A minute later…
Walks to the front desk.
Her: Let’s see. That will be 548,932 dollars.
Me: To self: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! IT WAS ONLY 5 DOLLARS HERE AND 3 DOLLARS THERE!!
Me: Here you go… *hands over card*
Her: Bye. You look so pretty!
Me: Thanks! Bye!
Walks to car. Thinks to self, I can’t believe I just spent that much money and all I was going to get was a pedicure. Next time, I’m just sticking with a pedicure. How hard can it be to say no to the extras?
2 weeks later…
Her: You want me to wax the hairs on the side of your face. 5 dollar more and I’ll wax your sideburns.
To self. SIDEBURNS! THIS LADY IS SAYING I HAVE SIDEBURNS!! FUCKITY FUCK!