A miscarriage is horrible and even though you feel like you want to die, you surprisingly won’t. That’s really hard for me to believe right now, but that’s what I have to keep telling myself.

I’m angry, pissed off, hurt, devastated, heartbroken, furious, in emotional hell, and want to get the fuck out of this hotel room.

We were only in Maine for 3 days when it happened.

It’s fucked up that I have to deal with this while stuck in a hotel, without any comforts of a home, and I feel like I want to die.

Pity party, table for one.

I honestly don’t know how this kind of emotional and physical pain doesn’t kill you.

Even though we thought one was enough, we found that we do want a baby #2 and will try again… once we heal and after plenty of time to do so.

We continued looking at houses the next day because we have to do what we have to do. I had to put on a happy face while we walked through homes, while my huge pads were soaked in blood and my body was in such pain.

Absolute hell.

One house we looked at had a 1 month old baby boy. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and die as soon as I saw him.

After we left, my husband and I went straight to lunch to have a drink.

We finally found a home that’s beyond what I dreamed. But we don’t move in until mid July so our things have to be put in storage.

So, here we will be, at the hotel until then.

The bleeding, cramping, and pain are still in full force. When the hummingbird catches me crying, she asks if the baby is making me sick.

She doesn’t quite understand what happened.

I cry even more because she still thinks she’s getting a brother or sister.

Thank you all for your support through this hell.

My therapy.

Dexter

Dexter

PJ

PJ

My 4 year-old tissue monster.

Rawr!

Rawr!

What made me actually crack a smile that was so desperately needed.

Awesomeness

Awesomeness

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

*Goo Goo Dolls

 

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18 Responses to A miscarriage is horrible and even though you feel like you want to die, you surprisingly won’t. That’s really hard for me to believe right now, but that’s what I have to keep telling myself.

  1. Johanna July 5, 2013 at 04:27 #

    I am so sorry to read about the loss of your baby. Thank you for sharing so bravely. Hope the pain subsides with time and all the things you listed above, especially your beautiful little daughter, give you lots and lots of comfort during this time. Sending you love, peace and healing.

  2. Michelle Mossey July 5, 2013 at 07:46 #

    Elle, my heart breaks for you! I cannot even imagine how horrible you are feeling, physically and emotionally. Thinking of you and praying for you during this sad time.
    Michelle Mossey recently posted..DistractionMy Profile

  3. Megan July 5, 2013 at 08:23 #

    I’ve been there, and I feel your pain. It will get better, and you’ll find the strength to try again, I promise. I wish more women would talk about it–so many of us go through it, but no one says anything. Just know you’re not alone.

  4. Rose Marie B July 5, 2013 at 09:38 #

    Fuck! Well shit! DamnItToHell! I hate this! This sucks!

    I’ll be angry for you…you just take care of you and dream of the new home and a new chapter of your life. I’m so so sorry. 🙁

    Love,
    Rose
    Rose Marie B recently posted..5 Senses on the 4thMy Profile

  5. Notmyyearoff July 5, 2013 at 11:56 #

    I’m so sorry Elle, I can’t believe it. Sending you lots of good wishes at this really hard time xxx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted..Working Out and Going To WorkMy Profile

  6. TK July 5, 2013 at 18:05 #

    Miscarriages suck. I had one child, three miscarriages, and recently gave birth to twins (at 44! without IVF). It will get easier, less painful and less awful. Hold on.

  7. LeeAnne Curtis July 5, 2013 at 19:08 #

    Elle – I finally told Mom today and she said to make sure I tell you how sorry she is. Know that you and the family are in our prayers daily. Sending you love, peace and light as you go forward through this pain.

    Much love to you all –
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Noah's Ark Tee Shirt by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

  8. Poppy July 5, 2013 at 19:55 #

    I’m so sorry, Elle. Lots of love and hugs to you.
    Poppy recently posted..humpMy Profile

  9. Amberoni13 July 5, 2013 at 22:48 #

    Tears for you, although I know you cry enough of your own.

    I hope your old doctor can call in a good prescription for you (since you were still waiting a little to be able to take Zoloft).

  10. Tammy July 7, 2013 at 03:49 #

    Nothing worse than being away from home when you’re going through something horrible. I’m so sorry.
    Tammy recently posted..Gandhi-Mom Doesn’t Live Here Every DayMy Profile

  11. Angie July 7, 2013 at 22:55 #

    I am so sorry! Sending hugs and thoughts your way!
    Angie recently posted..We survived!My Profile

  12. Delia Fairchild July 8, 2013 at 13:14 #

    Hi Elle

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. And to not be in the comforts of your own home must be extra hard too.

    I had a miscarriage between my 2 children. And it feels like such a huge loss. And husbands don’t fully understand it as well. It took a full year for me to want to start trying for another baby. And now our toddler is healthy and great. I look back and think that if I had never had the miscarriage, I would have never had my baby that I have now.

    But while you are in the moment, it is hard to imagine the healing that will take place over time. Honoring your feelings and sharing your emotions when you need to is so healing.

    My daughter was 3 at the time of my miscarriage. She knew I was pregnant as well. When I told her the baby was no longer growing inside my belly, she somehow understood. I was so nervous about telling her because she was so excited about having a sibling. But she was so strong and emotionally supported me in a way that blew me away. I just told her that the baby decided to stay in heaven for now and it wasn’t time for it to be apart of our family. Or something like that. I don’t recall the exact words. Telling her, really helped me in my healing.

    I hope you find some comfort and so glad you found a home to move into soon!

  13. reader July 9, 2013 at 03:53 #

    I’m so sorry this happened to you! Hope you’ll find the best way to cope – for me that was (and is) talking about it to anyone who’d listen. We lost one just before Christmas and even though we haven’t yet told people about the pregnancy (it was just days the 12 weeks mark), I found I wanted to talk about it. Wasn’t so enthusiastic about all the ‘helpful’ advice though: ‘It must be less hard since you have one already’, ‘It’s probably better, there had to be something wrong’…

  14. Fran July 12, 2013 at 22:44 #

    Argh. Been there, done that. It suck so bad. I feel for you.

  15. Megly Mc July 13, 2013 at 12:56 #

    I’m so very, very sorry. Living unsettled is awful, and having something that is both loss AND physically painful… 🙁 I’m just so sorry.
    Megly Mc recently posted..Please, Lord, Let Him Be Single.My Profile

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