I thought I was dealing the best that I could with the loss  I had.

The miscarriage.

There I was, strutting my shit on the elliptical machine in the hotel gym room the other day, with only a few minutes left.

I had my iPod on shuffle and the Kings Of Leon, Milk, came on.

I thought I was dealing with my feelings okay considering the circumstances but that song brought out all my hurt and pain I felt about losing the baby that I wanted so much.

I had all these dreams and hopes for this child.

It made me want to scream out and just crumple onto the floor. I had no idea just how much the loss was affecting me until that moment.

I think my feelings about the loss were numb until that day.

The only words I could utter to my husband later that night was that my heart is so broken.

My heart breaks for the baby that never will be.

I love you, my little peanut.


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11 Responses to Milk

  1. LeeAnne Curtis July 22, 2013 at 19:25 #

    Still sending healing thoughts and prayers your way. My heart hurts for you, hubs and the little hummingbird.
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Noah's Ark Tee Shirt by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

  2. Emily July 23, 2013 at 01:38 #

    Grief isn’t a straight line from loss to healed. I heard it described once as a spiral, looping up and down, forward and back, but always leading just a little farther from the dark with each loop around. Wishing you the strength to take it one day at a time.

  3. Johanna July 23, 2013 at 03:40 #

    Peace, love and healing. Hope the pain eases.
    Johanna recently posted..Lessons My Mummy Taught MeMy Profile

  4. thedavidcmurphy July 23, 2013 at 08:48 #

    I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been going through depression hard right now, with nothing close to your pain to deal with. I’m thinking of you every day x

  5. Fran July 23, 2013 at 10:02 #

    In Canada there are support groups, perhaps you can find one in your area? Many people go through this, we just don’t often talk about it. The silence is isolating.


  6. Ragemichelle July 23, 2013 at 16:53 #

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace soon.
    Ragemichelle recently posted..It’s Absolutely NOT A Dirty WordMy Profile

  7. Rachel July 23, 2013 at 19:09 #

    I have been reading your blog for about 6 months and this is the first time I’ve commented. I have unfortunately had 3 miscarriages and can completely relate to you. I am just so very very sorry. I would never wish a loss of a child on anyone. It is indescribable. And even though it wasn’t a fully formed baby, it was your baby and I understand that. Ive ha people try to tell me i shouldn’t be upset but there’s no way around that. It is a sad horrible loss. I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope your pain will heal as fast as it can. I still have a rough day every once in awhile, but I have definitely found happiness again. It definitely changed me though. Xxxx

  8. Lynn July 30, 2013 at 12:39 #

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I have no words. I’m sending love and hugs, sweet girl. xo
    Lynn recently posted..And later, Sandra Bullock and I will be trying to find our keysMy Profile

  9. Erin August 5, 2013 at 10:15 #

    So sorry for your loss. I miscarried our first child 17 years ago. It does get easier. I still have the I wonder thoughts. What would he or she be like? Would he be towering over his father by now? Would she be my volleyball star? Since losing the baby at a young stage and not knowing what gender the baby was I refer to the baby as Alex (Alexander or Alex for Alexis). I encourage you to give the baby a name because it will be with you forever. He or she was a little person and giving them a name helps with the healing in ways. We now have 5 children (3 bio and 2 adopted). I got a tattoo two years ago with 5 stars representing the 5 kids. Lately though I feel like Alex needs a spot to. How could I have not given Alex a star? Well Alex wont be getting a star but a moon above those stars shining down on his or her brothers and sisters. Another way of healing and remembering my baby.

    Ignorant people will tell you that you can have other children. Punch them in the throat for me please. That is rude and wrong to say. Know that if they say that they just don’t understand the grief that comes with it. Sending you a virtual hug.

  10. Rachel August 14, 2013 at 11:51 #

    Elle, I am keeping you in my prayers. I had a miscarriage in 2008 and am still not over the loss. It was my first pregnancy and I now have a 3yo boy who lights up my life. However, on the anniversary of my miscarriage and the day she was supposed to be born, I am insane with grief. I know you are busy with unpacking and getting used to your new area, but please know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

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