Nerves

Monday is the big day. It’s the first ultrasound for the baby bird. I am fucking terrified. I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs? I admit I’ve been a nervous wreck since I found out I was pregnant last month. I can’t bear the thought of finding out something is wrong… another miscarriage.

When I went to see my ob/gyn a few weeks ago, after asking some basic questions, she stopped and then asked what could she do to help me calm my nerves and feel more relaxed. She also gave me a hug.

I was fucking floored and wanted to cry after that. In a good way.

I NEVER experienced that kind of compassion when I was pregnant with the hummingbird and had to go to the military hospital in Bethesda and dealt with all of those asshole military doctors.

It finally feels like I’m healing from Postpartum PTSD after all this time. This pregnancy experience has been unbelievably better already and I feel like I actually have some say in these things, unlike last time when I just felt like I was ordered around with very little explanation.

Dr. Awesome even set me up to have my 20 week ultrasound along with a consultation for a VBAC with a clinic in Portland. Even if I don’t get the natural delivery I’ve been wanting since I was pregnant with the hummingbird, my doctor has already proven that I can trust her which is such a relief to me.

So, I don’t know why I’m still such a nervous wreck but I’m hoping that once I finally see the baby bird on the ultrasound, all of these nerves will finally settle down so I can enjoy the hell out of this pregnancy. Both the good and the bad that comes along with it… even the awful and constant morning sickness.

*Fake Plastic Trees

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4 Responses to Nerves

  1. Kim October 18, 2013 at 18:32 #

    I kind of love your Doc. I am so glad she was there for you like that. 🙂 It is pretty outstanding to find compassionate, kind people anywhere in the world, but in the medical profession it’s pretty outstanding – especially during stressful situations.

    I hope your ultrasound goes without a hitch. Enjoy the heck out of seeing that amazing little person squiggling around.
    Kim recently posted..Unveiling: Filofax Holborn PersonalMy Profile

  2. LeeAnne Curtis October 19, 2013 at 11:19 #

    Totally agree with Kim!! Sending up prayers for you, hubs, the humming bird and the little bird!!
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Dress and Capris in sizes 1/2 – 7 by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

  3. Kathy October 21, 2013 at 08:09 #

    Morning sickness is the sign of a healthy pregnancy (so said my doc). Enjoy seeing your little one.

  4. Tara October 21, 2013 at 08:51 #

    It is amazing to me how much different a second pregnancy can be if you have the right team of doctors and people behind you. I just had my second and had a moment with my doctor very similar to yours, and my delivery felt almost healing (sappy and weird, but truth). I hope your second bird keeps bringing you all the warm fuzzies of pregnancy!

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